He’s 9 years old and for the most part well adjusted and popular, but some of the kids on the bus are bullying him pretty badly. It started this year with name calling and now it has progressed to physcally hurting him and taking his things out of his backpack and destroying them. Today he came home with holes torn in his backpack that the bullys ripped with a pen.
The bus driver really sucks and I’ve had problems with him for years. He feels that his only responsibility is to drive the bus, with no concern about what’s happening on it. I’m on the phone with his boss almost weekly.
My son is not sure how to deal with these kids. He’s afraid to report it because he doesn’t want it to come back on him, for the same reason, he doesn’t want me to speak with the principal either. He’s told the kids many times to “Knock it off” and “Cut the crap”, but they don’t listen. If he’s hits them, he will get suspended. And unfortunatly, it’s the word of two kids against one.
The other two boys are the same age as him, but not in the same class. They only ride the bus together. My son is not allowed to change seats on the bus either.
He feels hurt by all of this and powerless, he’s embarrased to let his mommy handle it for him, but he doesn’t know what to do.
I had a lot of experience with this with my son. it really tears you up, doesn’t it? You could search bullying and/or my name to find several threads on this - and many of my thoughts when this was more of a problem for me than now.
I suggest a 3-fold response.
You have to involve the school/bus company. Your child is in their care. They are required to keep him and his property safe. Beware that the school may try to slough off responsibility by suggesting you contact the other kids’ parents yourself. And you do not need to accept that “not allowed to change seats.” Instead, insist that your child not have to ride next to these kids. Once the kids are identified (including your son) it will be harder for the bullies to get away with stuff.
Work with your son to ensure that he understands that hedoesn’t deserve this, and that he cannot allow these kids to damage his stuff. If this involves standing up when something happens and shouting for assistance from the driver, or going immediately to te principal/teacher and reporting the kids by name, that must be done. You simply cannot afford to keep replacing damaged and stolen stuff, and your son should not be an easy target.
Talk to the other kids’ parents. Tell them that the kids don’t have to be friends, and you are telling your kid to stay away from them. But you are also going to involve the school.
IME, you are going to end up acting in the future. No reason to go thru the pain of waiting.
I wish I knew what to tell you. I was bullied pretty regularly in Junior High, as was someone else I knew. I did the “ignore them” routine, but they did not go away. My friend fought back and got his ass handed to him for his troubles (and it didn’t stop the bullies). Looks like you can’t believe everything you see on TV.
I agree that the bus driver needs to be brought into this. The school should also be informed. It might increase the bullying, but so what? It’s going to increase anyway. At least this way there’s a chance it may decrease.
Tell him to single out the leader, there is always one. Punch the leader as hard as he can in the nose. He may get suspended but he will probably not get picked on again and his self esteem will improve. In the grand scheme of things, getting suspended once is no big deal. Parents getting involved may also make it stop, but the bullies will just find more subtle ways to pick on him. Your son needs to break the bastards nose. IMHO
I was pushed around as a kid. My mom told me to ignore them, but that was impossible.
There are two things I wish I knew when this was happening to me:
How to defend myself. If you can cope with the possibility of your son being suspended (for a first time offense?), then this is invaluable. Just knowing that he could take these punks would be huge for him, I think. Yes, he could get in trouble, and it may not stop the bullies (I disagree with Legomancer, and think it would stop them), at least he wouldn’t feel powerless, and a victim. Bullies target who they think is weak. If there’s a price they’ll have to pay, they’ll think twice.
Dinsdale was spot on with making sure your son knows he doesn’t deserve this. He has to know that they are the jerks, and that he isn’t a loser or nerd, or whatever word kids use to make fun of people.
I would caution you about involving the other parents. The biggest bully in my neighborhood learned all his bullying tactics from his father. His father pushed him around and mentally, emotionally, and physically abused him. It was the only thing the bully knew, and he took it out on the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. If you go to the parents, be prepared for them to be major assholes.
Like Legomancer, I was bullied in middle school. I tried everything I could think of to make them go away. Telling the teacher usually invited more trouble after school and ignoring them just didn’t work.
When I finally asked my parents what I should do, my dad told me to just “kick his ass.”
So I did. Sure, I got suspended (zero-tolerance crap) and my grades took a hit, but the bullies left me alone. I didn’t wake up scared to go to school after that and I had the confidence to make more friends.
This isn’t the most elegant solution and I don’t recommend it. Get the school and teachers involved. It is the school’s prerogative and in their best interests to make sure your son is safe. Make sure the bus driver is going to handle the situation, too. Failing that, see if you can talk to the bully’s parents.
Whatever you do, make sure this does not continue.
Thank god nobody has wheel in here telling your kid to “Talk to the bully… reason with him” :rolleyes:
The Bus Driver should be protecting your boy while he is on the bus though. That is inexcusable. People have been fired for less.
However, terrible to say but more likely than not, dragonjunior is probably going to have to learn to stick up for himself… or at the very least hang around with kids that are in “his group” for more protection.
You can sue the little bastards, the bus company and the school district for assault, battery, trespass, etc. I’d gather you would rather not do this. You can also talk to the police or district attorney to press criminal charges.
Find a local Karate instructor who teaches kids and ask your son to go to a class or two to see if he likes it.
Kids this age can be very insecure and for that reason call attention to others in a bullying manner. This is a problem that the bullies have. It is important that your son not become their “punk” or it could make him skittish for years to come.
My friend was bullied by a guy (at least twice his and my size) for a few months. So I got sick of it and I threw him up against the lockers. It had an added effect because his friends started laughing at him. He got mad and ran off crying. That stopped the bullying. So in other words, add another vote to the punch the kid in the nose solution. A suspension is a small price to pay for a huge boost of confidence. Plus you could argue that it was the school fault for not doing anything beforehand and possibly get him off. Oh and make sure he knows how to throw a punch, because if he does it wrong it could really hurt.
I got bullied to the point that I, quite literally, peed blood from the beatings.
My parents kept saying that I needed to “work things out for myself”. Or “defend myself”.
I fought back, & was punished by the school, & by my parents for fighting in school.
I also got my ass handed to me.
Fighting back never helped me. I only got hurt, & then dumped on by the system.
The only input I can give is this—
[list=1]
[li]Don’t tell your kids to solve it themselves. They need your protection. They wouldn’t be coming to you if they could take care of it themselves.[/li][li]Get your kid examined by a physician. The injuries may be much worse than you realize.[/li][li]Ask your family doctor about the signs of clinical depression in children. Don’t skip this one. Your kid is taking a mental beating, as well as a physical one.[/li][li]Don’t talk big, & then fail to follow through. If you make the promise to help your child, & then wimp out, he will never forgive you.[/li][li]However bad you think it is, you’d better believe it’s worse.[/li][/list=1]
The solution in my case was Catholic school, for a few years. Not perfect, but an improvement.
But my basic mistrust of the whole human race has blighted my life. I was turned on by the rule breakers , the rule makers , and my own parents.
I hope your kid turns out better than me.
I do not advise choosing a physical response. Report these incidents to the head principal. Document in detail, what is going on. I t would be very helpful to have witnesses. The problem I have with fighting back is that your son could wind up on the short end of this. That would make things much worse. Our school suspends all students involved in the fight. If you do not get satisfaction with the principal, file any criminal charges that are appropriate. You may want to go ahead and do this now. I would. This way, everybody involved knows you are very serious and that you will not accept this inaction on the part of the school. The kids that are bullying should be suspended. If things continue, they will be put through the system and eventually expelled. Our Discipline Management System and Student Code of Conduct speaks to this issue specifically. If your district does not have a policy in place that is satisfactory, contact the superintendent and board members. Be persistent and demanding.
Good Luck.
pv
Been there, suffered badly for it. It got better when I was placed in a private Junior High. (Gradeschool seemed to be the worst.)
In my generation, Trying to punch the guy back may or may not have been a successful solution.
In a Post Columbine™ environment, it’s completely unacceptable. You need to contact the School. If they don’t budge, bring up Culumbine as a SEVER failing of the system to protect and monitor the students.
Then contact the parents.
The Sue everytbody in sight. Your kid doesn’t need to be at the sending OR receiving end of ANY KIND of violence.
I agree that the school should be contacted about this issue. At the same time I think the idea that you should send your kid to a Martial Arts class would be a good idea.
I believe that combining both ideas has the best chance of getting things fixed. Let the school and bus driver know that you will sue if this continues to happen. At the same time find a self defence class for your son. Explain to your son, and make sure the teacher of the class understands and teaches, that the only time it is acceptable to use force is to defend yourself. If your son has to punch a bully in the nose to stop the harrasement take it as something that must be done.
From my experience as one of the bullied as well as my perspective as a teacher, I can tell you that there are two kinds of bullies:
the ones who are so low they can only feel better by making someone else low
the ones who are utterly bugfuck
The first kind will back down if your son punches him in the nose or otherwise makes it obvious that he will retaliate in kind, bumped up a notch or two. The second kind will take the first opportunity to pound your child into a greasy spot. The good thing is, your kid can almost definitely figure out which one his harrasser is, and then you can make your decision from there.
It’s not that I think violence is a good answer, but it may be the fastest, most certain, least expensive way for your kid to respond while the world is the way it is. So, I’d suggest at the very least, you take the kid to a martial arts class or teach him how to hit.
If you feel like taking matters into your own hands, call the principal and explain to him that if this behavior does not stop NOW, you will hold him, the school district, the bus driver, and all other parties legally liable. The courts have looked favorably on this, and many parents of bullied children have won large settlements because the school did not make an effort to stop the bullying. Also, you might explain to the principal that you have instructed your son to protect himself, and if there is any zero tolerance bullshit that interferes with his right to an education, you’ll make sure your lawyer knows how to spell the principal’s, superintendent’s, and school board members’ names correctly.
I was bullied through elementary and middle school, and part of high school. When I was a freshman in high school, the day started with a good bullying at the bus stop, continued torture on the bus, and then whatever could happen in hallways between classes, then back on the bus to a final round of torture. My parents knew what was going on and called the school. Result: more bullying. My mother decided to walk to the bus stop with me. Result: Even MORE bullying. I started to walking to school (it was a mile away) and that stopped the problem. No one can pick on you when you aren’t there to pick on. When my parents found out I was walking to school (and later on, getting a ride from a classmate), they got mad and put me back on the bus. And the bullying started again, but worse. A lot more physical abuse. After about a week of that, I told them I was walking (or getting a ride) and that was it. If they wanted me to ride the bus that badly, they could get a new kid.
As a kid, I knew that if my parents got involved, it was just going to get worse for me. The more they complained, the more I got beat up. I would let your kid walk to school, or take him. Or let him ride with a friend (or at 9 years old, a friend’s parents). If you get him off of the bus, he won’t be there to be bullied. Fighting is probably just going to cause more problems for the kid, and getting involved will probably make things worse. I would get him off of the bus.
I’ll have to go with teaching the kid violence is not the strongest recourse. That being said, it’s what I did after I got beat up enough years. Learned how to fight.
However I also learned to joke my way out of situations, and THAT has probably come closer to actually saving my life.
They used to say “bullies are cowards”. A recent study suggested, however that bullies actually can have very high opinions of themselves – that they feel they are special. That tip could have saved me quite a few confrontations. That is: they aren’t insane – they think they’re better than you. So treat deal with their opinion.
As long as he shows weakness, this will continue…if he gets into one good rumble with them, win or lose, he will gain some respect…just like in Christmas Story when that kid went crazy on the red head.
