I was just thinking my response above was a bit too flip. I really do feel for dragongirl and her son and I don’t have any original thoughts on solving the problem, other than those stated by others. I do like the idea of calling the police, which welby1 suggested. However, I really do support removing the child from the situation. There doesn’t seem to be bullying issues off the bus and the fact that a parent is willing to make the effort of driving her child to school instead of suffering on the bus shows real support and love to the child. People do legitimately remove themselves from problems all the time.
Wow! Thanks to everyone for the responses.
If I had to drive him to school, I could, but I don’t feel that it will fix the problem. The bullys aren’t in his class this year, but there’s a pretty good chanch they will be sometime. I would like to have this stopped, not avoided.
We live in a rural area and things are very spread out, so I don’t know any of the kids or their parents or even where they live. It’s a regoinal school. My kids are on the bus for about an hour each way.
I have tried calling the police, but, to be honest they just don’t seem to care. We don’t have a local police department, we have to call the state police and they actually got pissed when I called them for something similar in the past. I did pursue it to their superiors and will probably have to again.
This morning my son decided to speak to the principal himself. I asked him if he wanted me to call and follow up, but he said “No, I want to handle it.” I did tell him that if this was not solved today, I will be talking to the school myself. My boy took his student handbook with him and highlighted the parts that say zero tolerence for bullys and he plans to show it to the principal. I told dragonkid that he had my permission to hit back in order to defend himself.
When I was a child I was bullied for years until I was a junior in high school. I decided I had had enough. I beat the crap out of one of the girls. I was never popular, but they didn’t fuck with me again. So, I can understand what he’s going through. I don’t want him to have to wait as long as I did though.
Thanks, again. I’ll keep you posted.
I would suggest, as others have, going to the authorities immediately, and harshly. They do have a responsibility to keep your son safe, and should take some sort of action to do so. The idea that seating assignments and such cannot be changed is nonsense.
The bus driver can and should maintain order, I recall a driver when I was in school that kept every student inside their seats the entire trip. One head poked into the aisle was his cue to stop the bus and reprimand everyone. We didn’t poke our heads into the aisle… Sure, we hated that driver, but there was order to spare on his bus.
However, you must also realize that the authorities (and you) cannot stop all bullying, it is impossible to maintain that sort of surveillance. If the authorities fail to stop it after taking steps to do so, it will fall to dragonson. He may have to resort to violence, as has been suggested, sometimes that’s the only way.
A day late, and a dollar short, as always… 
I kicked, bit, and pounded into the ground anyone who thought that picking on the shortest kid in school, with bright red hair and glasses (read: moi) was a good thing. That’s because I realized at a very young age that I could get hurt every day, or I could get hurt once and never again.
This would happen about once a year, as new kids came to school and thought I was an easy target. Didn’t make me any friends (in fact, I spent all my school time almost totally alone until grade 8), but I wasn’t a victim.
Any time a teacher called me on it, I would politely tell them that I had told them not half an hour ago that X was harassing me, and that if said behaviour wasn’t stopped by the teacher I would have to stop it myself.
School sucks.
dragongirl, your kid sounds rather mature about this whole thing, did he think of the highlighting and such on his own? Good boy. Keep us posted, I’d love to hear what the principle had to say to him, and I’m curious if this helped.
First let me say your child sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders.
I think most of the best suggestions you will get have been mentioned. All I’d add it that documentation is 80% of any legal proceeding. If you have a meeting or conversation, productive or not, memorialize it in a letter. Send a confirming letter to the other party summarizing what was said and who will be responsible for doing what.
If you make a demand for action verbally duplicate it in a letter and send it by certified mail. Nobody likes to get certified letters from people who are demanding action. If the school is less than responsive. Don’t give them another chance move on to the State Education Department.
Lastly if you find the rural police are soft on this issue, remember its almost November some local official is up for re-election, with luck it will be a State assemblyperson or a Congress member. Nothing gets a local sheriff moving like a call from the man or woman who controls his budget.
As someone who was terribly bullied through out his career in school, I can at least tell you the fallacies as I have seen them.
If I had a nickel for everytime someone told me: “If you just ignore them, they’ll get bored and go away.” I’d be wealthy right now. They will generally NOT go away. Most bullies will redouble their efforts until they get the payoff they desire.
Punching the bully or the leader of a group of bullies GENERALLY does not stop them from attacking you, no matter how well you deck the guy/girl. Often, this is just what they want. They want to see their victim dragged down to their level and lose it. From what I experienced, it often also reinforces why they are attacking you and ensures it will happen again.
A parent’s involvement in the process is KEY. But, the parent cannot afford to give up hope and they CANNOT STOP working for the interests of their child in making sure they are safe. My mother gave up when I was in the sixth grade. Nothing she did stopped things, and it only kept on at the same level, or got worse.
Some of the highlights of my experiences with bullies:
3rd Grade: Nicolet Elementary School - Kaukauna, Wisconsin. My first day at school, a 5th grader decided to put me in a headlock on the playground to show me who was boss. I bit him and kept my teeth in his arm until a teacher showed up. I was punched in the head multiple times. I kept my teeth firmly buried in the neanderthal’s arm. I did not let go until the teacher showed up and asked me to let him go. Mind you, until then, I was in a headlock the ENTIRE TIME.
4th Grade: Jefferson Elementary School - Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I was leaving after school to go home and was passing by the church that was next to the school. About 15-20 of my classmates jumped out of the bushes and were moving on me to attack. A couple of them had switchblades. Were it not for two passing rollerskaters(it was 1978), who grabbed me under the arms as they were passing and skated me back to school, who knows what could have happened.
9th Grade: Oshkosh North High School - Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Had a gun pulled on me and waved in my face by the leader of a group of misanthropic, hygeine free, LOSERS. Talked me way out of having my head decorate the walls behind me, and when I reported it to the Vice Principal, had a repeat of the gun in my face on the way home. That time I had to confuse them with absurd logic and run. Oh, if I had only had the postings of Jack Dean Tyler or december to fall back on, they still might be confused.
My house was egged on a regular basis, threatening phone calls were not uncommon, I was followed and chased home off and on, and other games would be played with me by those who got off on tormenting me. I spent my Sophomore and Junior years of high school getting chased to many of my classes by the football team. Luckily I could out run them. No wonder they didn’t win very often. Losers.
I dropped out of high school in my Senior year because I could no longer handle it. When it came out that I was actually gay, even the Freshman were harassing me. I had been incredibly depressed and suicidal at times because of the mass of harassment, lack of protection, and my loss of a sense of freedom and safety.
Even out after school I had to worry about being harassed by bullies if they saw me at the mall, out walking, at the library, etcetera.
My experiences are extreme, I grant you. Some have it even worse than I did. They NEED PROTECTION AND HELP.
It has to be nipped in the bud IMMEDIATELY or it grows like a cancer and your kid remains a target and a victim.
The biggest laugh last night was when I commented that the boy who was harrassing my son, “Probably just didn’t get enough love.” My eldest daughter actually snorted milk out her nose, and all 3 agreed that was one of the stupidest of the many stupid things adults like to say.
What a bunch of cynics I’m raising!
Oh yeah - I just took Lord of the Flies out from the library, and we’re gonna have our own little family book discussion group.
I was bullied in school too, and I can say that fighting back may or may not work. Like others, I had a friend that decided to fight back and ended up out of school for two weeks from the beating that he got. I guess if you’re going to fight back, make sure you can win.
I don’t know why, but for some reason real world rules don’t apply in schools. Theft and assault/battery are crimes, and should be handled as such. The school policy of fighting=suspension for all doesn’t make sense to me. Isn’t school supposed to prepare you for the real world?
I don’t really have any advice though, other than him fighting back may not be the best option.
Most of my bullying happened when I was living in Wisconsin, also during the 1970’s.
What is it about that place?
In the end, the only thing that worked was moving halfway across the country – and that was unrelated to my school situation – halfway thorugh high school. Fifth grade and middle school were total, pure, HELL for me. I STILL get nervous when I see a group of kids of that age, and it’s been twelve years. I was never physically bullied, but psychologically – oh, yes. And nobody ever did ANYTHING.
Part of me understands just why the kids who shot up Columbine did it. Not that I condone it, but I think I know where they were coming from, and that is SCARY.
Well, My son went to school today, prepared to speak with the principal. When he got there he was hit by a panic, he was afraid that if he reported the bullys, he would get a beating.
First thing tomorrow morning, I will be at school. I plan to tell them that if this situation if not fixed, they will be hearing from my attorney, the police and every TV Station and newspaper I can find.
This is just too much for a nine year old to handle by himself, I give him credit for trying. I remember being scared to go to school, and I refuse to have my kids feel that way.
Dragongirl, my heart goes out to you and your kid.
But I agree with a lot that’s been said. as I get older (I’m 35) I’m shocked and dismayed at how gullible many people are of people who act confident, even when they don’t know a damn thing.
The punch in the nose may backfire grandly.
Are there any other options? How about sending him to a private school and invoicing the regular school?
Also: Document Document Document.
I was never able to fight back physically against the bullies, but I kept an even psychological keel by breaking into their lockers and stealing all their textbooks or vandalizing their fancy cars, etc. Not something I’d probably recommend as general advice, but it worked wonders for me.
Good luck getting everything sorted out.
-fh
Welby1 had the most effective answer. Nothing you do is going to help. Nothing your child says is going to help. Principals are like business executives. The minute you raise a problem, YOU become “the problem”.
Get a letter from an attorney threatening legal action against the school, the bus company and the parents of the children in question. Legal Spam. You don’t have to have any interest in actually going through with a big legal sendup, you just have to look like you’re prepared to do so. Then they’ll start acting.
With Zero-Tolerance (Intelligence) in action, I would advise against punching the kid in the nose. Once again, your child becomes “the problem” and the other kids are the victims. Their prior actions will be willfully ignored in the zeal to punish your child and attack you for pointing the finger at the other children when clearly, your child is to blame.
But yes, get your child into the Martial Arts. Not (only) because of the bullying, but because it will make him a better and more confident person. Assuming you find the right instructor. (Hint: If you get visions of Cobra Kai when visiting, run the hell the other way and look elsewhere)
I’d also like to point out that your state police answer to your governor. Document everything. Send letters, file the responses, and if you don’t get any action contact your governor’s office and the media.
I dont’ give a shit how mediocre the state police think your problem is, they have a duty to respond to your criminal complaint. Call them to that duty if you have to scream.
Just because it hasn’t been said enough:
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
If it isn’t written down, it never happened.
I wish I had an answer for you, but nothing I ever did seemed to work, except growing up and getting the hell out of my home town.
The one thing my parents did that helped enormously was to let me know school wasn’t real life. The wider a kid’s horizons are outside of school, the easier it is for him to deal with anything school throws at him. So spend some time with your son. Find out if there’s any cool stuff going on in your area – local festivals, art classes, volunteer opportunities, whatever – and check it out together. New hobbies are always good – do you think he might like a model kit or a chemistry set or anything? It’s better yet if he has some activity that brings him into contact with kids who aren’t in his immediate peer group; having a younger buddy who looks up to you, or an older one who will look out for you, can be a huge lift to the spirits.
Hope this helps a little. It’s a long tough road, and kids shouldn’t have to go through this sort of thing.
Can it finally be established that not all bullies are in fact cowards and are taking out their repressed emotions on other school kids?
I’m not denying the fact that some do because of jealousy and repression at home or at school, but in my experience bullies bully because thay can get away with it in an environment that really does a half hearted job of trying to solve it. When I was at school, there was a whole culture of duck- and-cover mentality . School children would establish a whole structure of a bullying mechanism.
*The most popular would bully less popular
*The less popular would bully inside their own group
*The least popular would face an endless tirade from the both above.
This would be for cigarettes 99% of the time.
I hated this repression by them. Their strength was the main factor of their bullying not some emotional problems.
Another was boredom, this is a big factor of bullying.
And what did my school and government do?
Take them out bowling
Give them Cheques
Give them awards for ’ Outstanding behavour’
Im glad i’ll never return there and I can get on with my life.
As for the current labour government thinking of these policies
F*ck you!
(WHAT A RANT)