How do I break into the superheroism biz?

[rjung]

You should read this book.

Granted, it doesn’t have a whole lot of useful, real-world advice, but it is funny as sin. Sample excerpt here.

[C_K_Dexter_Haven]

The “low price” is $98.98 ??? … I think the subtitle is, “How to make lots of money off suckers”

[pravnik]

@C K Dexter Haven

The Lone Ranger had a mask, white horse, silver bullets (in case of werewolves, I always presumed) and a faithful Indian companion. But those were the simpler days of yesteryear.

On the serious side, a couple of decades ago there was an unknown “hero” who was trying to fight the companies that were polluting the Fox River in Illinois. He would break into the headquarters at night and dump a sackload of crud in their lobby, with a note (IIRC) saying that this was what they’d been dumping into the river. He became known as “The Fox” (in honor of the river and also an obvious Zorro-reference.)

I dunno if you’d call him a “super-hero” (some of us did) or if you’d call him a deranged loonie (others did.) I don’t know whether he was ever caught or whatever became of his crusade. I’m just sayin’.

Interesting…it has a certain panache, but I don’t know how well it would play out in the long run…sort of a more clandestine version of Homer Simpson’s “Pieman”.

[tracer]

@Max Carnage

Tell that to Superman:

flight
invulnerability
strength
x-ray vision
heat vision
speed
super icy breath
super hearing
subliminal hypnosis (pre-Crisis explanation of why the glasses worked as a disguise)
rip-off growing criminal-capturing cellophane chest emblem (Superman 2 only)
super ventriloquism

You left out:

thriving unprotected in space (Supes doesn’t need to breathe air)
time travel by flying around the Earth backwards really really fast
those “levitation rays” fom Superman 2 that CandidGamera mentioned
telescopic vision
ultraviolet vision
infrared vision
natural radio transceiver
cape that can protect Lois Lane from a deluge of molten metal
invisibility if he moves around so fast you can’t see him

[tracer]

Oh, and:

never, ever needing to go to the bathroom

(Batman also seems to posess this amazing superpower. Dave Barry once wondered if that was why he was always grimacing.)

[Dewey_Finn]

You don’t necessarily need a lot of specialized skills or talents to be a superhero. England has Angle Grinder Man who goes out in a blue leotard to cut off the wheel clamps from cars.

[Ranchoth]

Well, if become a superhero doesn’t work, maybe you could consider becoming a supervillain? It’s a bit easier…and since you’re a defence attorney, you’re halfway down the “villain” career track anyway, in most people’s eyes.

[Airblairxxx]

@pravnik

I’ve been thinking lately that I need a hobby, and have been considering doing some superheroics on the side. I’m a thirty four year old male, in relatively good physical shape. . . My fatal flaws are relatively poor (but correctable) eyesight, allergies, and a tendency to procrastinate.

Tell ya what: I’m a year older, probably a lot heavier than you, and my eyesight is better. Howzabout you being my sidekick? I could call you “Little Buddy”.

We’d have to make sure that we have different allergies–I’m mostly pollen–and you’d have to promise never to ask me what happened to my last “Little Buddy”.

[SteveG1]

@Triskadecamus

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior, that’s the key.

Throw things at targets all the time. I mean all the time! Pretty much have to keep a pocket full of stuff, too, so you can do it as you ride the bus to work, etc.

That skill works for Bullseye too, in case you ever decide to go bad. Hmmmmm a lawyer by day, contract hitman by night

[RealityChuck]

You’re in luck! You can purchase a copy of How to be a Superhero by Mark Leigh and Lepine. Judging by the price of a used copy, it’s probably a perfect guide. And they have a guarantee: Save the universe in 30 days or your money back. You can’t lose!

Questions answered include:

How can I obtain super powers of my very own?
What should I avoid when designing my costume? (example: anything patched together with lace doilies)
Are there any secret identities I should definitely avoid? (the guide cautions against choosing a known serial killer who’s known to be on the run).
How can I afford the hi-tech equipment a modern superhero requires?
What’s the best car for catching criminals?
Bad places to change into your costume. (They tell you to avoid changing in a store window)
What the hell are man-droids?

There’s a special appendix on super pets.

[Dewey_Finn]

Pravnik, if you’re an aspiring superhero, you may want to head to Brooklyn, home of the soon-to-open Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co.

[furt]

Superbarrio

Polar Man

Angle-Grinder Man.

[rjung]

@C K Dexter Haven

The “low price” is $98.98 ??? … I think the subtitle is, “How to make lots of money off suckers”

You haven’t read the book. If you have, you’d know why the current owners aren’t eager to give it up.

(And yes, I have my copy. Muahahahahahahahah!)

[BMalion]

Just say this out loud…

“3X2(9YZ)4A”

[BMalion]

@pravnik

This sounds promising. I have just one Uncle, he’s a retired Air Force general who used to work at the Pentagon. He was in Vietnam, though, although he never spoke of any Artifact. I suppose that’s the point though. So maybe some sort of top secret program from which the Artifact was stolen before falling into my hands, you think? I could do that.

Well, that’s it! just you wait and he’ll give you the Magic Green Beret that he’s been using secretly all these years…
…to create magic monkeys who throw fruit and stuff.

[Max_Carnage]

My God! My copy of How To Be A Superhero is worth $100??? Holy crap, I better keep that one out of the library/bathroom.

[Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow]

@Sean Factotum

About the only time of the year you can be an effectively dressed superhero in public is Halloween. But what is the plausible limit to costume parties your neighbors believe you’ve been invited too?

This is why so many superheroes live in New York or its alternative-universe equivalent – you can dress like a total freak and no one bats an eye.

I suppose now would be a good time to link to on a real-life costumed self-styled superhero: Terrifica, scourge of the NYC pickup scene. (A picture, which has been removed from the ABC article.)

[RealityChuck]

@C K Dexter Haven

The “low price” is $98.98 ??? … I think the subtitle is, “How to make lots of money off suckers”

No, it’s to weed out those who aren’t willing to make a committment. And, besides, aren’t most superheros millionaire playboys? This ensures it remains that way.

[Tapioca_Dextrin]

Surely the most important skill you need is the abilty to flaunt your underwear in public without blushing. If you practice this on a regular basis, you should soon come to the attention of the appropriate authotities.

[Baggins111]

First things first. You need to get a cape. If you can’t get a cape in the color you want for your particular vendetta / crusade color scheme, then you may have to get what you can get at the Goodwill store and adjust accordingly.

Bath towels or bed sheets tied around your neck do not work. Get a real cape.

After that, go with what Tapioca said.