Everything I know, I learned from comic books (spoilers)

Cafe Society
1

If your sidekick quits, it is probably not a good idea to hire his girlfriend for the job in an attempt to make him jealous so he’ll ask for his job back.

If you are a sidekick, and your boss fires you, it is probably not a good idea to steal contingency plans from his computer to unite your cities assorted criminal gangs under his control and try to implement them yourself in an attempt to get your old job back. Bad things can happen when you do that.

Someone should be on monitor duty on the satellite at all times, just in case a non-superpowered spouse of a member of your organization gets bored and decides to pop up and do some stargazing. You never know what costumed supervillians might come by looking for trouble…

Always keep a fire extinguisher arrow handy, just in case a cranky yellow skinned demon wants to breathe fire on you because your soul isn’t actually inside your body.

If you’re going to get blowed up with an airplane, make sure Superman is nearby so Hal can resurrect you using lint from his cape.

If one of your friends dies, try laying him out in the sun for a while and see if he gets better.
Being able to thread a needle underwater looks cool, but it is not a terribly useful skill. Work on deflecting bullets with your bracelets.

Never let a man chain your bracelets together.

Let your hair grow long, grow a beard, and lose the orange shirt. Really, you look much better that way.

With great power comes great responsibility.

2

Your second paragraph has spoiled part of War Games for me, hasn’t it?

(I get all my comics on the first Friday of the month, so haven’t read any War Games yet)

3

Oops, sorry about that. Sometimes I forget that not everybody can snare their comics on a weekly basis. I’ll e-mail a mod and ask for a spoiler warning.

4

Literally a spoiler warning.
Ho ho ho - :smiley:

5

Can I at least keep both my hands?
(Well, front paws in my case.)

6

People with alliterative names are frequently more trouble than they’re worth.

Redheads are always unstable.

Beware criminals who form Brotherhoods, Gangs, Cabals, Syndicates, Secret Societies, Squads or employ adjectives like Evil and Fearsome in their names.

More people know your secret identity than you think.

There’s basically no resale market for superhero headquarters.

Batman is a pretty good singer.

Ralph Digby has stretchable body parts, but he’s still a four.

Norse Gods speak Elizabethean pigdin English for some odd reason.

All black superheroes are back and to the left.

Wonder Woman is a virgin, despite the Invisible Man joke.

7

There are only two stable kinds of love/romantic relationships…unrequited love, and loving a person who’s tragically died. (No, not that kind of “loving.” You know what I mean.)

Superheroes never accidentally kill anyone, now matter how many people they assault and/or whale on with superhuman strengths, fantastic weapons, or pieces of cities.

A seemingly large number of black superheroes have the word “Black” in their name, and/or abhor guns and try to defeat inner-city gangs using “less-than-lethal” means.

There are very few black super villains of the “world-conquerer” type. And even fewer evil black Mad Scientists.

Despite the fact that super-high technology fairly common among super heroes and villains, government agencies, and obsessed geniuses working in an underfunded workshops and garages, little or none of it ever makes it to public use, or the civilian market.

…Except for the secret of making face-masks with blank white eyeholes, which is free to the world.

80% of superhero costumes would get you laughed at in real life. (With more recently designed costumes, the odds are a bit better. Of course, a lot of modern costumes are just dark clothes, dark leather jackets, and sunglasses. Which at least looks more comfortable than “underoos over spandex.”)

No matter what the universe, some variant of the Cthulhu Mythos will be present.

It seems that superheroes don’t “make the world a better place” so much as “keep the supervillains from making the world worse.” (You’d think that if one or two of the hundreds of superhumans joined the Peace Corps or some UN infrastructure development program, you could really raise the quality of life for a lot of people…)

On TV versions of comics, it’s not “OK” to show even Nazis being killed. Not even during WWII. Not even when the Nazis are attacked as they’re manning a concentration camp, and are throwing grenades at people trying to escape.

Robots and A.I.s who don’t want to be “human” are either evil, or comic-relief.

8

That there is a cruel, cruel God who has decreed that sidekicks seem more trouble than they’re worth except for the one time they saved the day and so now you are burdened with a high maintenance life insurance policy.

9

Dating a superhero is bad. Marrying a superhero is worse.

10

Female supervillians look good in skintight costumes.

11

All archers overcompensate for their lack of “real” superpowers by being loudmouth jackasses.

Chicks dig swamp monsters and large birds.

Women all look basically alike except for the hairstyle and costume.

Only one female teammate gets to wear fishnets at a time.

12

Despite being a member of a group whose members include sorcerers,magic users, world class scientists power ring wielders, people from alien civilizations far advanced of our owns, amazons, and others who regularly come back from the dead, if shot by a white faced maniac , you will be confied to a wheelchair for life.

13

If you say you’re a superhero, the laws against operating jet-powered aircraft inside the City of New York will be suspended just for you. Hell, need a lift fifteen blocks uptown? Take a Quinjet!

A thousand years from now, pink spandex will be acceptable attire for heterosexual men.

Zeta Beam = license for bigamy!!!

If you’ve suddenly and inexplicably become creepy and immoral, check the splash page credits to see if John Byrne has started writing you.

If Reed Richards barks an order at you that makes no sense whatsoever, just do it. It’s based on an unsound, dimly-understood scientific principle, so naturally things will turn out just peachy!

If the guy’s name makes more sense spelt backwards, he’s probably Atlantean.

It doesn’t matter how many times Dr. Doom has tried to kill you or how recently. If you’re invited to a state dinner at the Latverian Embassy, go to it!

14

The more sanctimonious the guy in tights is about you being wrong, the more likely you’re on the right path - particularly if his costume has a picture of a bat on it.

15

Superhero deaths rarely occur directly; there is usually a few minutes where the bad guy divulges important secrets and feeds his ego, then makes his getaway, giving the hero some alone-time to engineer his/her escape.

16

If you have Superspeed and the basic scientific knowledge of a police forensic scientist, you can achieve any effect.

Superman is very difficult to shop for.

The planet-devouring menace keeps a weapon capable of stopping him in the trunk of his spacecraft.

Martians love sandwich cookies.

Your sentient android teammate can and will either 1.) realize the ‘truth’ of his machine nature and betray you or 2) be reprogrammed by your archenemy.

Mogo doesn’t socialize.

17

Sure he was decapated, disolved in acid, blown up, and the ashes scattered on eight different planets while you watched just so you could be sure that he was really dead this time, but he’ll get better.

If a friend you haven’t seen in years but were really close to shows up suddenly they’ll either be dead in twelve pages or the villain behind the whole thing.

No one wants to buy something with a number greater than 100 on it so when you reach that number start over.

18

And, by extension:

Nearly all women have enormous, grapefruit-like breasts. Those few women in the world who are cursed with breasts smaller than a D cup are deformed freakish monstrosities who should keep themselves hidden from public view.

19

(Great thread topic!)

  • Beans are good (Hulk).

  • “The poor little rich boy” was my first exposure to literary irony (Richie Rich).

  • Avoid objects colored yellow and things made of wood (Green Lantern).

  • Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot (Batman).

  • Don’t call newspaper editors “chief” (Jimmy Olsen).

  • What, me worry? (Alfred E. Nueman/Mad).

  • “Excelsior” means “always upward” (Stan Lee).

  • Sleeping gas, drugged darts and chloroform all seem accessible and plentiful to the underworld (various comics and shows).

  • If you get frozen alive, you will survive if you’re a super-hero (Captain America, Batman).

  • Radioactivity, Gamma rays, and cosmic rays won’t cause death, but will give you super-powers (Spider-Man, Hulk, Fantastic Four).

  • Never accept a cigar or shake hands with a clown (Joker).

20

The most logical choice of costume for a female crimefighter is something that wouldn’t look out of place at a strip club.