Everything I know, I learned from comic books (spoilers)

Cafe Society
21

Supervillains, no matter how often they are defeated, will continue to directly challenge the superhero, instead of going to another city and working incognito.

It’s quite simple to come up with witty quips while you’re fighting for your life. However, villains, for some reason, can only come up with heavy-handed insults. Perhaps a quick wit it just another superpower.

Superheros who can stretch any part of their body tend to find it easy to get girlfriends.

The more powerful the hero, the more common his weakness is.

If a hero dies, he’ll be back.

22

Supervillans have the uncanny ability to go from initially successful criminals to creepy stalker types, obsessing over superheroes a great lot and often whittling away their assets/resources in trying to defeat the hero, as opposed to, oh, I dunno, trying to get away with more crimes?

Supervillans, truer than all else, are ‘asking for it’. If they do commit crimes later on down the line, it is used as bait.

The puny guys will always ‘hold out’ on their ‘secret power’, saving it for some undeserving superhero/boss/lifemate, as opposed to the countless people the talent could have theoretically saved.

23

Full-time anesthesiologists must be obsolete, seeing as how easy to use and side-effect free the various “sleeping gas”/“transquilizer dart”/“stun laser”/etc. devices in the world are.

It’s always more important to stick to your own moral code than it is to save human lives.

Even superheroines who fly or jump great heights have been known to wear skirts.

Almost everyone who gains superpowers also happens to have enough sewing skills to design and make a costume for themselves.

24

Fully one half of the inhabitants of New York City are clones.

Radiation is your friend.

The secret to being an unstoppable crime fighting force? The Boy Scout motto.

Guys: if you’re wearing spandex pants, don’t forget the codpiece. (“Must be cold out there today, eh Bats?”)

Don’t make fun of Superman in bed, or he’ll tear you in half like a phonebook.

25

On television: It will cost more to repair the damage done to a city whilst stopping the supervillian than it would have been to just pay him/her/it off and send him/her/it on its way. And the superhero who caused the damage won’t be the one footing the bill for that elevated train track.

In print: Supervillians that turn good (that aren’t just working a long-term con) are going to die. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but sometime before #101 is released.

26

And they’re frequently named Sue.

27

Not only that, but exposure to radiation causes: an irrational attraction to spandex, megalomania, and angst magnetism. Thus food irradiation is a bad thing. (As I’ve got a lifetime occupational rad dose, I wanna know when I get my superpowers. I’m willing to skip the spandex, though.)

And this is different from what happens if he’s happy with you in bed? How did Larry Niven describe it?

Superman and sex just seems bad all around.

28

Not just for the reasons Niven gives, either – don’t forget, he’s Faster than a Speeding Bullet.

29

If you can fly, travel between dimensions, bend steel with your bare hands, and see through solid objects, chances are pretty good you can also impregnate an Amazon through three layers of Spandex.

30

If your planet is about to be destroyed, Earth is a good place to go.

If your planet is safe and secure, DO NOT GO TO EARTH! It will inevitably lead to the destruction of your planet, and, eventually, to the rest of your people as all the havens they seek will also be destroyed.

Peace.

31

When an entire planet is destroyed, at least one person will survive who will have miraculous powers and either become a super-hero (Superman, Element Lad) or a super-villian (Mano, Lobo).

32

If a person’s only superpower is that he is really good with a bow and arrow, he will be a superhero.

If a person’s only superpower is that he is really good with firearms, he will be a supervillain.

If a person’s only superpower is that he is really good with a sword and/or bombs, he could go either way.

33

Weren’t Mano and Lobo both actually the ones who destroyed their own planets? (I know Lobo did, and I have a vague memory of Mano doing so…) Which would put them in a different class from Superman or Element Lad (Or Martian Manhunter or… DC’s done a lot of ‘Last of their race’ characters.)

34

Inventing substances or devices that violate the laws of physics is no problem as long as I am a suitably nerdy, pale and/or obese man. The thicker my glasses, the easier the inventing will be.

I can get all the books, PhD theses, and other materials I need for a scientific education that makes me an expert in a field of less than a hundred world-renowned scientists without anybody noticing or asking questions with the possible exceptions of- Mom, whose basement I live in. My landlord who complains about the noise. The old guy whose stand I buy my dailly paper from and who always makes some dumb science joke.

I can build my invisibility, teleportation, time travel, death ray, fighting robot, Iron Man style armor, or other device out of easily and cheaply obtained materials and parts. Nobody will notice the huge device in my living room, until Mom or the landlord walk in just as I strap myself in and press the button.

In some cases, the final crucial piece or the substance needed for a power source can only be obtained through theft of a museum, university, or military base. Fortunately, one of my side projects has produced robots, mind control devices, or genetically engineered creatures which can be used to steal this final part.

Joining STAR labs, AIM or any similar organization of brilliant scientists will result in either-an untimely death, defeat by a super hero and a long stay in prison, accidental mutation into a hideous monster with subsequent career as a supervillain, my colleagues using me as a test subect which will result in the above transformation.

If I use any one invention for a period of several years, it will have an unforseen side effect on me. This will be negative, and possibly fatal, if I have become a supervillain and am in good health, or wealthy. It will be positive if I have become a supervillain and have just been through something that would kill a normal human. If I have become a superhero, the effect will almost certainly be positive. If it is not, it can be reversed after a short but intense quest.

35

If I am a superhero, I will have come from a supportive family while never actually having a traditional family/marriage/relationships of my own.

If I am a superhero, chances are overwhelming that I am an only child.

If I am the only child of superhero parents, odds are excellent I will follow in my superhero parents’ chosen profession, to carry on their legacy.

If I am one of the rare superheroes with siblings, odds are good they will have similar abilities and training as me.

If I am a female superhero with a female sibling, chances are excellent she will be a partner and a rival.

If I am a female superhero with a male sibling, odds are excellent my brother is a jerk, a self-deluded twit or a jerk who thinks he’s a saint and God’s gift to women (or men, depending on his orientation).

If I am a male superhero with a female sibling, chances are exellent my sister will have either extreme personality disorders or is secretly evil. In either event I will never approve of her choice(s) in men.

If I am a male superhero with a male sibling, odds are excellent my brother will be among my rogues gallery, if not my mortal enemy.

If I am a male superhero with a (non-soperpowered) girlfriend, odds are excellent she will die, either directly or not, at the hands of my enemies.

If I am a female superhero, odds are excellent I will have an unrequited attraction to one of the legendary alpha males while being constantly hit on by lesser male heroes.

If I am either a male or female superhero with an attractive well-known super-villain who constantly flirts with me, I must never give in to sexual attraction, no matter how often our paths cross or how circumspect we could be.

36

If, after beating the most improbable odds, I defeat a cosmological, intergactic, primordial entity that destroys worlds (and was about to destroy the earth), I will not destroy it while it is broken and nearly lifeless… I will let it go.

I do this because… because… well, nothing good ever comes out of it. The entity goes on to destroy other worlds.

OK, so what I learn is that I’m a freakin’ idiot.

37

The judicious use Hostess Fruit Pies[sup]TM[/sup] will defeat most common street criminals, and 2nd tier wannabe super villans.

38

Damn! astro beat me to that one!

But that super allegation of yours, needs a super cite[sup]TM[/sup]:

http://www.seanbaby.com/hostess.htm