Recently I came across a 20+year-old Marvel Team-Up–or maybe Marvel Two-in-One. Whichever one starred Spider-man rather than the thing. Anyway, it was the first appearance of Arcade, and Spider-man was trapped in Murderworld (an amusement park for assassins. Unable to find his way out because of the multiple illusions and death-traps, Mr. Parker decides to just start smashing equipment till the whole thing stops down. This decision leads to the following gem of monologue:
Then and now, this line makes me chuckle; I can easily imagine an untold FF-Spider-man team in which Ben Grimm offers this gem of super-heroic wisdom to the younger heroes. Thinking of it, I wonder what other bits of advice older heroes give newbies?
Here’s some possibilities:
Screw the mask, kid. The best way to keep a secret identity is to pretend you don’t have one. People don’t look for things that don’t exist.
You can’t trust anybody with super-powers or magic technology. Always be prepared with ridiculously complicated, borderline sadistic plans to take down your fellow heroes. Just wing it with your actual enemies.
Keep your receipts, and make sure you have a good accountant. You can deduct all your gadget and gear expenses if you have proper records.
Do not annoy Wonder Woman. I know she’s got a a world-class ass and a rack only someone with super-strength could support, but peeking at her in the shower is NOT WORTH IT. Let me say it again–do NOT ANNOY WONDER WOMAN.