I get the need to protect infants and toddlers, but really, at a certain point you have to let the kids get a few minor bruises and scrapes for normal development. Being protected all the time from everything means the kid won’t learn what is and isn’t a hazard or how to deal with danger when no adults are around.
The kid needs to start learning his limits as a toddler, not when he’s suddenly turned out of the house at 18 or 21 or whatever when there won’t be supervision and the potential consequences are much, much worse than a skinned knee.
You say that, but after a while you become comfortable with turning away for a few minutes. You think nothing could happen, especially when your child is with a group of friends.
I turned away for about five minutes while cooking dinner. The windows were open, the curtain was drawn. And my sweet six year old Bella was raped.
Hah, I don’t want any more kids, and both me and my wife are worried about it due to how hard the first pregnancy was on her. Her nosy friends are always asking her so when you going back for the second one.
Holy shit!! By one of the kids in her group of friends? I am so sorry.
My husband and I often disagree over parenting styles. I believe his “laid back” style is born out of pure laziness, rather than some need to let my 2.5 y.o. learn on his own. I’ve posted about it before, but I think my son and husband are going to have a real “cats in the cradle,” relationship. Ask your wife what her concerns are. Does she really think you are not supervising appropriately, or is it something else?
I agree with the other poster who said have another kid. It is amazing how quickly she will loosen up. I just had my second, and the difference in anxiety is crazy. With the first, you never want to put them down. You literally will sit uncomfortably for three hours, desperately needing a pee, so as not to disturb their sleep. With the second, you will break them off the nipple mid-nurse and put them on the ground to go get the fresh cut lime for your corona. It could not be more different.
As others have said, you’re not going to stop her or change her habits with your son.
Personally, what I would work on is getting her to accept that when she is supervising your son she does it in her way, and when you supervise your son you do it your way. Honestly that is the part that bothers me – not how she handles it, but that she wants to intervene with how you handle things. My daughter is three years old, and from the way you described things, I would be okay with your style of supervision. She plays in our fenced-in yard, and sometimes I go inside to fold laundry because the laundry room window looks out over the yard, with the door left open so I can hear her. (Disclaimer: could change depending on the specific needs of your son, which I don’t know, or if there are major things you have left out of the story, like if there is a pack of wild hyenas in your yard.)
My suggestion for how you handle this situation is to be clear and consistent when communicating to your wife what you anticipate when you are the primary supervisor of your son. The worst would be if you agree to be more restrictive to appease her, but then don’t follow through.
I think it’s an absolutely fine lesson for kids, too, to gain an awareness that different people do things differently. Being able to roll with that is a good life skill. My daughter already knows that when she’s with my mom, some things are more restrictive (my mom will hover over her a lot more, and not let her go as far away in a park or a playground) but some things are more permissive (limitless juice and candy!).
This is really important to building a well-adjusted, independent adult, which is surely the point of having children. grude, what does your wife say when you raise these points (which I’m sure you already have)?
Hate to tell you man, but one or more additional kids is the solution to your problem. That or just hold your tongue until the kid gets a driver’s license.
I agree. Do not do this. It doesn’t sound like you will, though. You want advice on getting her to loosen up. I think you will need the intervention of a professional to do this.
Since she probably won’t go to a therapist because you think her parenting suggests an anxiety disorder, I would suggest (and I say this as someone who worked with autistic people for about ten years) that you get your son properly diagnosed, then seek help from a behavior specialist on how to handle some of the difficulties-- the ones your son has, and the ones that come from clashes in parenting styles as well. A professional will tell you that it’s just as important to foster independence in an autistic child as in any other child. Maybe this will help your wife back off a little.
Nah. The reason for having children is to have an excuse to play with toys.
It sounds like your wife is running a real police state around there. Take away his ID and teach him to refuse to identify himself and there’s not much she can do anymore.
Ask her which she prefers, trying to change herself to be more like you, in which case she gets to expect oversight by you so she’s not so smothering. This choice includes the right to oversee your parenting as you attempt to become more like her. (Goose/gander)
Or
You can both acknowledge that you each have very different parenting styles, and that they will some how balance each other’s excesses out for your son. With this choice you must expect no right to oversee or criticize the other, just as you will be free of critism and oversight from the other parent. You both just have to trust that though your styles be different, your child will navigate that just fine, and you can both take refuge in knowing the other IS a good and loving parent even though they have a different style from yours.
I don’t believe either one of you are capable, or willing, to become more like the other one. Neither of you will change, in fact. That means what you need to to is stop trying to change each other, and accept how it is, while negotiating your way to a compromise you can both live with.
You must accept and respect how she parents, and she must accept and respect how you parent, even if you parent very differently. I’d guess staying out of each other’s parenting, is more likely to succeed, than either of you changing to parent more like the other.
( Colour me stunned, in a thread about conflicting parenting styles, there are so many people who think another child is a great idea! They are struggling to parent together this child and another one is the solution? )
No, that’s not true. You have posted about your wife a lot, unless every time you say “my wife” you are using the phrase to mean “my wife’s sister.” Off the top of my head I can think of threads about your wife and nudity on the beach, your wife and where you’re buried, and something about your wife and how you think she is absolutely stupid about [money? credit cards?] but in real life she is a rocket scientist.
Thank you for this. I mean, I’m not saying grude is always bashing his wife. But there is a pattern of him painting her as the “unreasonable” person in their conflicts.
My almost 8-year-old is 82lbs. He’s also about 4’9, I’m not quite sure. I just know I’m 5’5, and he comes up to my chin. Well-child check in a couple of weeks, and I’ll know for sure.
We’ve been teaching him to say “Give that little kid back his lunch money, or you will learn what ‘swirlie’ means” since he was four. He actually did stick up for a first-grader on the bus this year, who was being bothered by a third-grader, who didn’t realize that my son was a year younger than he (the third-grader) was. Apparently, when he found it out, he suffered some kind of belated bruise to his dignity. I’m not really clear on what happened, because according to my son, ALL he did was say “Shut up and leave the little kid alone.” According to a witness, my son kicked the bully’s bus seat, and according to the bully, my son verbally threatened to kick him. My son is sticking to his story.
Hah I forgot about the beach one(which ties into the overprotective thing), I post about my wife of course but it isn’t mostly complaints or thinking she is crazy. The burial thing I was just stunned that she assumed I would be buried away from her(she had a strange idea that nationality effected burial).
She made a stupid statement about how credit cards work, none of it qualifies for crazy.
Now my parents, that is crazay.
EDIT:Monstro had said this wasn’t the first thread where I posted about my crazy wife, my reply was meant to indicate I can’t remember a previous thread where I did except the tadpole one. All the others were fairly routine things that I wouldn’t even say rose to the level of conflict.
He rarely plays with other kids unless we go to a fast food place with a placeground or a park, there is a kid his age nearby but he never comes out of the house and is only obsessed with iphone games.
Yep and he doesn’t even look chubby, he has more muscle than fat. He still wants me to carry him sometimes like if he isn’t feeling good, it has allowed me free workouts.
Ask your wife what her concerns are. Does she really think you are not supervising appropriately, or is it something else?