Parenting Etiquette-It's not my place to advise, however..

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My husband and i are friends with a couple that have a 10 month old baby. We’ve known them for a few years, before the baby. He was married, they had an affair, he left the wife, and the girlfriend got pregnant.

A few months ago they moved into the same building and so because of that, we spend a lot of time with them. Neither she nor i work. I don’t work because my husband and i moved to the uk for his job, and i don’t need to work…that’s not relevant to this story, but only to point out that I’m home a lot.

So because of that, I’ve spent a lot of time with her and the baby. He was a good infant. Didn’t cry, slept well, took his bottle etc. Can’t really be a bad parent when you’re meeting the needs of your infant, and they did. Well.

However, the older the child gets the less interested she is in meeting his new needs. Learning to walk, learning to understand words, giving him the opportunity to explore.

Hell, feeding him food is a chore she’d rather not do. He isn’t underweight at all, in fact he’s a chunky little adorable bundle of joy. But she’d rather stick a bottle in his face than get him to eat. If he doesn’t like something, she gives him a bottle, if he’s fussy while he is eating, she gives him a bottle. He likes baby yogurt. That’s about it. She feeds him food maybe once a day and the rest is bottles.

She’s good at the maintenance. She loves her son. But she pretty much moves him from bouncer, to walker, to bottle, to nap.

And it seems that the older he gets the less she interacts with him on a meaningful level. Just the maintenance.

There’s SO much more to this, but I should stop. If you’ve read this far you’ve got the idea.

We know that it’s not our place to say anything, and quite frankly the child isn’t being neglected. But we are increasingly frustrated by her lack of interest.

Their relationship to each other is a whole other can of worms.

Clearly I’m WAY too close to this.

2

Yes you’re absolutely right, she’s a bit behind and may be in a parenting rut. Can you be a resource, bring over parenting / child rearing magazines/books/websites. accompany to baby play places, bring lunch include baby spoon and some Gerber’s, baby needs a high chair or place to safely sit and have a meal.

Child rearing It’s an adventure that keeps you running to catch up.

3

You don’t sound like a UK native, so I’d approach it from the “hey, I’ve never seen (nearby thing that is cheap to visit), come with me!” and see what happens. Going out means more interaction than staying in and it might build some habits.

4

I bought a highchair for our place so he has somewhere to eat. When we go grocery shopping we buy foods and snacks for him.

I’ve bought board books that sit unused. I’ve bought age appropriate toys because he didn’t have any suited to his learning level.

Yesterday we went to a park so he could go on the swings and a slide. I introduced him to a horse. When we go for walks i name everything. Look baby, it’s a dog, it’s a cat, it’s a tree, that sort of thing. But that’s her job! She just doesn’t interact with him on that level. I relay stories about raising my own kids in hopes that she will learn something.

They dont have family here. His are in Canada, she doesn’t speak with hers. So i think she sees us as surrogate grandparents.

I like them, i like the kid, but if i continue to spend as much time with them as i do I’m afraid I’ll say something i regret.

I want to buy her a parenting book, but i feel that might be overstating my already rather obvious attempts at trying to show her what’s important for her child.

5

If she’s not reading the books you gave to the kid, not interacting with the child, not playing with him with the toys… what makes you think she’d read a parenting book you gave her?

Look, by doing as much as you’re doing you are helping the kid. Even if you do no more than you are currently doing you’re doing more than you have to do and it’s a positive good. Keep doing what you enjoy (seems to me you do enjoy the kid) and try not to stress to much about it. Doing more risks what the kid currently has (interaction with you) by alienating her.

Yes, it’s unfortunate she’s not a better parent. But I don’t see how you can fix that.

6

Does she have any friends with similar-aged children? She may feel more comfortable taking cues from them than from you. Also, what does the Health Visitor say?

7

She has no other friends with kids. She has no other friends.

She hasn’t seen a health visitor or whatever since she moved from their old place.

He isn’t behind on his motor skills, but his interaction with the world and his problem solving skills are behind. His father is great, btw. Better than great. But i dont spend my days with him. However, he does have a positive influence.

My husband and i were talking about it on our walk tonight and i thought that maybe the best thing for her and the kid is for her to go back to work and the kid to go into daycare.

I was a stay at home mom, but i loved it. She doesn’t love it. She is doing him no favours by staying home and resenting the work involved with raising a kid.

Maybe in a child friendly environment, with people who are payed to look after kids might be better for him?

I think I’d have more luck convincing her to go back to work than convincing her to pay attention to her child.

8

Any chance she’s got some lingering postpartum depression?

9

My question too. It may take everything she has just to do the minimum.

10

Health Visitors are available until the age of 2 and are as much for the mother as the child. Indeed, not having a Health Visitor visit may get her flagged with Social Services. This can be good, or it can be very bad indeed - it all depends upon the social worker.

11

Why the hell not?
She (or the kid) needs one badly.

And what the heck is going on with the father that he is allowing this?
Have a heart-to-heart talk with him about this. While this isn’t (yet) child abuse, it’s certainly into the ‘neglect’ area. If he doesn’t do something about this, it’s time to report it to the authorities, and get help for that kid!

12

Home Start is a very good UK organisation for mothers having a range of difficulties, including isolation. One of their good points is that many of the people they help go on to become volunteers themselves.

13

She had postpartum, took meds for it. This was before we became close, so I just heard the stories. From what she’s said, she wouldn’t hold the child. She holds him now. She really truly loves him and in no way mistreats him, she’s just…a few days ago she said she misses when he was a newborn and he was less demanding. Because he was such a good infant I think she assumed he’d be a good toddler. She’s not willing to face that his needs change the older he gets.

Oh, the husband. I absolutely agree that he needs to talk to her about this, seriously. He makes jokes, and little comments, but he doesn’t speak up in any serious way. I think he is afraid to say anything for fear of making her angry…at least that’s the way I see it. However, he works for my husband, and my husband doesn’t want to give him advice about this. They text a little about it, but he’s never reached out in a way that suggest he wants advice either.

We all talked to her last weekend about depression because she was complaining about being tired and sleeping all the time. She did go to the doctor, has to get blood work done but hasn’t gone yet.

I’ll mention the health visitor, and home start, that sounds like it could be really positive. Somehow try to slip it in to a conversation without setting off alarms.

14

I feel awful that a new mum is not revelling in her kiddy’s development. Strikes me as something has gone wrong somewhere, either with PPD or something else: mums are normally so eager to get their babies up to developmental par, or even beyond!! For this mum to be so blah about it indicates that something is wrong.

And it MIGHT be that she’s just not all that maternal, in which case, getting her back into a job and the bub into a child-care centre will be the best thing.

15

No matter how good a toddler is, (s)he will need a lot more care than a healthy baby. Had she ever taken care of any kids? I see a huge difference between how people with previous childcare experience and without react to their own firstborn.

16

Is it remotely possible the child has developmental problems? I used to work with people with developmental disabilities, and I have seen parents lie to themselves about where their children should be developmentally, otherwise, it would be clear they are behind. One way to do this is to pretend they are dealing with a younger child than they actually have. This might sound ludicrous, but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen people with obviously autistic toddlers feeding them bottles or breastfeeding them because they refuse solid food, and saying quite contentedly that they aren’t “ready” for it yet-- at 22 months.

I’m just throwing that out there because I’ve seen it, and it popped into my head.

It sounds like post-partum depression is much more likely.

17

I thought of the perfect phrase for what they both do.

Distraction, not interaction.

If he gets fussy they give him a bottle, a soother, tickle him until he laughs, stick him in a bouncer with the iPad on the table…that sort of thing.

We usually walk with them all in the evenings, and the dad has started to pick up on some of my cues, so that’s good.

As to developmental problems, and i have thought a lot about it, I’d have to say no. He crawls really well, and all the motor skills are there. Communication and interaction with his environment are where the problems are. I dont think its developmental, but more a lack of stimuli.

For example she told me she picked up the remote to change the channel on the tv and he immediately looked at the tv. So he sees that the one thing causes the other to change. That’s cool. However, if i point at a dog and say, look baby, a dog, he stares at me. I told her next time we go to the park we are taking the remote.

I get that some people aren’t maternal, or don’t think it’s important to read to their kids, or feel stupid talking to babies, and the kids turn out just fine. So maybe it is MY problem.

18

How involved overall is the dad? Is this his first child as well? I’m sure it’s overwhelming for both of them, it seems that’s inevitable for at least a short time after the baby arrives.
I think you’ve done all you reasonably can, Kat; much more and you may find yourself pushed away.

19

I don’t claim to know much about raising children, but this sounds like the best advice. You pretty much sound like every grandmother of a first-born child ever, which you seem to have accepted as your role. You seem to be doing a good job, now just own it.

20

Her parenting seems weak as hell, but being a frequent presence and modeling good behaviors is probably the best you can do.

I have a 10 month old and it’s hard not to interact with her, to be honest. She’s expressive, curious, and into everything now that she can crawl. We talk, read, and dance with her throughout the day, but she often keeps herself preoccupied so we get breaks and can recharge without guilt. Does he have plenty of toys? My daughter can busy herself for decent stretches of time as long as she has little baskets of stuff she can overturn and rummage through. I don’t know if independent play can be taught, but it sounds like that is what this child will need to figure out somehow.