My two-year-old pushes me away - huh?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m the father of an almost 2.5 yo. girl who has spent quite a big portion of her life away from me (in two-three-week bits separated by similar time in the same house as me), apart from the last half-year or so. She’s a sunny, bright child with a bit of temper. Everything I’ve read on child-rearing suggests a toddler between the age of two and three moves away from her mother while the role of the father grows substantially. My therapist tells me a girl of this age, especially, is in need of approval from her father.

For some reason, my daughter has started to push me away, telling me to go away, when I get too close. When she wants to drink water, she won’t give her mug to me to fill it up. If I sit down on a sofa where she already sits, she promptly tells me to go away, pushing me to make it clear. Judging from her face, my attempt to interact with her really pisses her off. When I ask why I can’t give her water etc., she consistently tells me “because you’re sad”. This baffles me and my wife, knowing that I’ve overcome depression and anxiety and am happier, calmer, funnier than ever before, and have been so for a long time now. I don’t think my daughter has witnessed me being sad, and I’m quite stunned at her estimate, her being so very young.

I’ve done my best to notice my child, smile at her, listen to her, aid her and support her, tell her she’s doing great. I’ve never exploded at her or hit her. Her rejection feels especially bad since I was an emotionally neglected child who grew up to resent his parents. The thought of my daughter not growing close to me, telling me stuff, relying on me, loving me when she’s bigger just tears me inside. Sigh.

I’d like to hear suggestions, experiences, anything to help alleviate my fears. I know I have a sore spot here, but her reactions still seem out of place.

2

Is it possible that someone else has told her about your depression/sadness? Kids sometimes will pick up things that adults assume they can’t understand. Since it’s impossible to have an “adult” conversation with a two-year-old perhaps a child psychology professional should be consulted…

3

I know it is hard not to take personally, but it could just be a phase.

I also think your daughter may be picking up more than you know. Even if you don’t think she has ever seen you be sad…they just know. Keep doing what you are, and be as positive as you can, and I bet she will come around in no time.

My husband isn’t getting much love or kind words from our son right now, and I am sure it bugs him a bit. But, I think it will change soon.
In fact my five year old made his daddy a Valentine Card with some real writing and a bunch of scribble writing. When my son “read” it to his dad it said something like this, “Dear dad. Even though I don’t love you so much, I am glad you take good care of me. You are a nice dad. I just love mom. Love, Orion.” Talk about up and down!

My card was all gushing love and sentiment. I keep telling my son, that he can love us both at once, and sometimes tell him that we do know he loves dad. His dad will just say, “Well I still love you!”.

I spend about a lot more time with my son than my husband does. I believe it is a big part of why my son and I are bonded a bit more. I try to make sure my hubby does the bedtime routine most nights, just so they do have some special time together. He often looks at it as a chore, and wants to beg off. But I just keep reminding him that he son, “doesn’t love him”, and that if he would read him a bedtime story and give him a few more snuggles, that might change.

It is also good if there are a few activities that just you and your child do. My husband plays more “boy” games with our son, such as using the light sabers for a good fight, or playing with his transformers. So maybe you can find a book, or a board game, or something that is special for just the two of you. That can help.

4

Very few people can resist your sustained intention to love and accept them exactly as they are, and your daughter is not likely to be one of those people. In the mean time, though, there could be any number of things going on. She could be angry with you about the changes in that last six months. She could be angry about the big portion of her life away from you and trying very hard not to love you because you might go away again (never mind if you didn’t go away/wasn’t your fault/couldn’t help it, she’s two.) She could be upset about the changes in you which you find to be all positive – and no doubt they are but some kids prefer the devil they know. She could be going through a phase having to do with attachment to her mother and having nothing to do with you at all. Or any combination of the above plus whatever else she has thought up.

Try not to be too reactive to the “you’re sad” thing. While kids are eerily observant my own experience is that they are mostly observant of what gets a reaction out of their parents and it sounds like she hit a bulls eye with that one. I wonder how your wife responded to that?

In general, try to find something that you always do with her. Make somethign up if necessary. It does nto have to be a big circus like thing, it does need to be a consistent, every single day come hell or high water thing. She needs to see you stop doing other things you consider important to do it.

We had a not dissimilar situation with both of my kids when Dearly Beloved became more involved with the family after some years of having had the kinds of jobs which routinely pull long hours. For Eldest, the thing that helped was that his father did his reading homework with him – this was easy to sell as the reading homework was in Dearly Beloved’s native language and not in mine.

But the tale of Youngest may be instructive, as Youngest was most vocal about rejecting his father’s new presence in the family. He did all you mention and more. For Youngest the magic key was when his father took the job of taking him to the toilet in the middle of the night every night. (Youngest slept right through wetting the bed and never noticed until the next day). This was not done on purpose, it only worked out that way because Dearly Beloved goes to bed later than I do.

This last was most puzzling to Dearly Beloved since as far as he could tell, Youngest remained unconscious throughout, or nearly so. (That was after all the problem) So it was not as though they were having Quality Time together or anything. Doesn’t matter, he did it every night, night after night. When he was tired and didn’t feel like it and when his back hurt and when Youngest didn’t wake up and when Youngest was mad and yelled at him and when Youngest was happy and sang a little song.

Don’t take it personally. She does love you and does not want to show it/fears it for some reason known to no one, not even her. She has to feel safe and there are few things more vulnerable than a 2 year old. Find something regular, routine, low stress and do it with her every single time. Over her objections if necessary, she needs to know you love her even if she’s a little jerk. If you do something just for her, tell her that – I am glad you like it, I thought of it just because I thought you might like it. You can let her know that she hurts your feelings or what have you, if you can do it without being manipulative or scaring her. Uniform positive-ness gets a little creepy and some kids do have great radar for when you are faking it.

You are just going to have to feel your way, try to remember it will be over before she gets married (as my great aunt used to say)

5

Maybe you could tell her you used to be sad, but now she’s around, you’re not sad anymore? IANAP, of course…

6

You could make a game out of her response. “You don’t want me to sit with you. How far away is enough.” Move two inches away “Is that far enough.” If she says “no” move a few more inches. “Maybe you’d like it better if I put this newspaper on my head so I can’t see you. How about if I sit on the table? On the floor. Maybe if I sit really quiet like this (making very funny face).” At some point she is probably going to laugh and start playing the game. Then after a few minutes “You know, I really like playing this game with you. You are one of the best gamers I ever met.” If her mother is in the room she could say “I really really like it when you and Daddy play together nice like that.”

7

Clearly she gestated upside down in the womb and received a horrible mismatch of hormones in development, leading her inner development to be that of a male child. Her Oedipal bloodlust is now bubbling to the forefront, and by Saturday, you’ll likely be dead and she’ll have absconded with mommy.

Sorry. It’s too late. You did your best.

8

FWIW, I think my daughter was closer to 4.5 when she started really making the transition away from Mommy and towards Daddy.

I think you need to do all you can to not take it personally. Gradually try to develop little things (games, activities, etc) that are unique to you and her. Do you have much time with her when mommy isn’t around?

Other than that, let her take the lead on when she wants to become closer to you.

9

Some of this too, may be an independence phase for her. At that age, kids are learning how to do things for themselves and want to prove that they can. When she won’t let you get her water, will she let you help her fill the cup herself? Does she want to sit by herself because it makes her feel like a big kid? Maybe you teaching her how to do things by herself can be a bonding time for you. I’m a nanny and the 3-year-old girl I care for was so proud of the fact that “Daddy showed me how to do my own buttons!”

In the meantime, be patient. 2-year-olds will push buttons and test limits, but most of them grow out of it!

10

My understanding (as a non-parent) is that this normal behavior for children this age. They are establishing their independant personalities and part of this is creating a seperation from the other people around them. And they establish this seperation by simple and direct means like yelling “NO!” and physically pushing people away.

11

My son did something like this. When he was around 2-1/2, perhaps 3, he decided he liked Mommy best, and actually broke up with me. He’d always preferred me up to that point, and always always asked for Daddy if given a choice. Then one day he very seriously told us that he liked Mommy better than me now, then looked at me dead-serious and added, “but I still love you”. And that was it – from that day to this (he’s 10 now) he’s liked Mommy better, but I’m still pretty OK.

I think some of this is your kid making a choice. Kids don’t have a lot of control over their lives, and they get to make very few choices, except trivial things like what to eat tonight. They may choose one parent over another because they can, and for little other reason. I think it’ll all work out fine, and I’d advise you not to invest too heavily in this issue.

12

I’ve found that ice cream usually works.

13

My kid is only six months old, so I haven’t gotten to experience this particular heartbreak yet. But I know my wife just hated her dad for a while when she was about that age (he was gone a lot for work, which probably had something to do with it), but not long after she got to the phase where she wanted to go everywhere with him. So hang in there.

14

Are you sure that your daughter is referring to your mood (sad as an emotional state) or is she suggesting that you do not currently meet her personal requirements for interest/social acceptability (sad as in lame, socially inadequate).

My teenagers tell me I am sad all the time, usually when I am happy and telling really, really funny jokes :wink:

You would be surprised at how children of that age absorb slang and use it. And most toddlers go through some stage of rejecting a parent (or both). It is the start of the development of independence. You may be sensitive about your absences and other issues, but don’t get them mixed up into what is often common childhood behaviour.

Si

15

I’ll second this. I went through a bit of the same thing as you with my daughter (same age as yours), and what solved it was a brilliant suggestion from my wife that I read to her every night before bed. She still pushes me away once in a blue moon, but I’m able to overcome it by engaging her with some other subject to get her mind off the pushing-away and more on herself, and then to me.

16

Thank you all for the suggestions. Already making me feel better. My daughter has been generally cranky lately, and just told us she’s sad. We’re a bit worried, given the prevalent gamut of mental issues on my side of the family, but it surely may be just a phase, her practising the not-so-sunny stuff. She eats well, sleeps well, works hard on her drawing and puzzle-solving skills etc., cranky or not. We’ll see where it goes. I am the resident rough-houser (is that the right word?) here, and she just loves it when I lift her on my shoulders, “wrestle” her etc… She’s much braver than I ever was. I love her.

17

Probably this is it, you are radiating sadness from your heart. Therapy can help us convince ourselves we are happy and have us believe it when our heart is crying out in pain. Children, especially very young ones can pick up on these things as they haven’t been overly influenced by the world. You might ask her if she knows why you are sad, or look deeply into your heart for pain you are hiding from yourself.

18

I happily admit I am not above outright bribery for smooches from my 3 year olds.
Ice cream is guaranteed to work (oddly enough so are cashews - I didn’t even know little kids liked nuts until they saw me munching away and demanded their fair share).

19

Keep doing what your doing, and keep smiling when you do it…you’ve got plenty of time to turn her ambivalent behavior around. Don’t take anything she says or does personally…you are just one of two people that she is testing limits with.

The open arms and love will come as long as you keep doing what you’re doing. It’s way too early to start diagnosing her with mental issues that may stem from her parent’s issues.

20

IANAP either, but this seems like a lot of pressure to put on a kid.