JohnClay,
His girlfriend has made comments about wanting to die…listening to tapes at some point might be helpful, but right now she needs to get in ASAP to see a doctor, even at the hospital…
A part of the program is about being skeptical about a voice they call “Depresso”. I’d be worried if she had put thought into how she would kill herself though. “Everything is lost” is obviously not accurate. Perhaps most of everything is lost, but not EVERYthing (in some situations everything is lost, but not in her one). Well I’ve helped myself overcome depression… not others so much.
BTW also check out:
You could ask her about it… I suspect that she isn’t getting all of those needs…
Was she depressed before you two started seeing each other? I’ll put my money on “yes”, which leads to “that’s evidently not the cause” and to “that counselor should see a proctologist about the craniorectal inversion”.
Making your relationship a “Morse code” one certainly isn’t the way. You need to figure out whether you can put up with this long-term (hopefully she’ll find a better therapist, or meds, but maybe she won’t), and whether long or short-term, all you can do is be there.
ETA: when my parents were depressed, Dad out of work and Mom bedridden (all at the same time, yay), what I did was keep the house clean, the family fed, and the clothes washed as needed. Was there any other option?
I’m not sure where I heard it but somewhere it said that you need to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship… though maybe she can learn to be happy alone while staying in the relationship… (personally I only finally got into a relationship after I was basically happy - even though I attempted to get into relationships earlier on) [That saying might not be true though]
Totally agree with you!
I am just getting better from a debilitating bout of depression, I wouldn’t be in the place I am now without my boyfriend.
One thing you need to keep in mind is, that depression makes you look at everything with a negative slant because you feel so negative about yourself. My guess is that when she is talking about breaking up with you she is feeling so low about herself and life in general that she can’t get her head around the fact that you love her. She probably feels that she is not worthy of you.
I told my boyfriend exactly how I was feeling, sadness, anxiety, worthlessness etc and he kept asking why. It took him a while to understand that there was no reason to explain why I was feeling as overwhelmed and sad as I was, it was just how I felt and couldn’t snap out of it. Once he understood that there is no quick fix he started helping me in a different way.
I was having trouble getting off the couch and sometimes wouldn’t shower for 2-3 days, it was simply too overwhelming to think about let alone act. So he helped me by taking baby steps. He would run a shower for me and wash my hair. He would sit with me and make sure I ate enough healthy food.
As I started to improve, he would write me a list of chores to do each day. Very simple things, that would only take me 10 minutes or so, like folding the laundry or putting the dishes away.
Since she is already motivated and active, perhaps you could do something similar to the lists of chores, perhaps including suggestions that she make an appointment with a counsellor.
If she is not already on medication, perhaps it is time that she started taking some, or if she is, it might be an indication that she needs to change her meds. I have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist and have had to try several medications to find one that was effective for me.
The catalyst for me to seek professional help was the love that my boyfriend showed me. His relentless support finally made me see that I am loveable and worthy of getting help.
It has made our relationship stronger. I hope the same can happen for you, good luck.
Ryan Liam,
To be honest this thread is a bit frustrating…you make several statements where your gf made despairing ,possibly suicidal comments and your worrying about whether you should move in with her?
She sounds seriously ill…and your asking for advice on if you should move in?
How about making her safety a priority…it doesn’t matter and nobody should care if you move in, etc. The priority should be focused on getting her immediate medical help.
This sentence indicates to me that you are unaware of how serious depression is…you wrote that once she told you she “wanted to die” and apparently you did not take some immediate action to help her (such as getting her to a hospital or calling a psychiatric eval team to come assess her) for her own safety. Instead you felt annoyed at her for thinking “negative”…if you think a person with the illness of depression is just a “negative thinker” you must not know much about it and I kind of think you won’t be able to be helpful to her.
I hope the best for her and that she will get real psychiatric intervention.
I’m sorry if this is harsh, but I am frustrated that in the midst of her making a suicidal comment, your only concern seems to be if you should move in with her…
So can you tak to her about being evaluated right away , ?if she can’t get in right away to see a psychiatrist (not a general doctor) then just a hospital
I think your GF got the therapist’s message mixed up…it should actually be: “If you are not able to love yourself and your life, then you are not able to love someone else and be a part of their lives.” And she is showing you that she is unable to love you because of the depression. You have already told us your frustration regarding her behavior. Do whatever you can to get her to see a psychiatrist, even though she seems to be getting better because depression can be cyclical/seasonal and untreated, she could become depressed easily again.
As Tollhouse mentioned, you should consult a suicide hotline or hospital to help you determine the validity of her statements “I want to die.” That’s great that her friends know, but do her parents know? They could also be influential (but also could be the source) in assisting her to get more help/support.
Do not move in with her until she has managed her depression. It should be a goal further down the road that should only happen if she is scheduled to see a psych (at minimum, once per week), and her depression is managed with the correct medication and she has a number of months agreed to between her and the psych that she has improved. If you move in now, you will probably be even more frustrated with her and may resent her eventually. Like I said earlier, move in later once the depression has been managed and treated.
Good Luck.
Depression is one thing, and suicide is another. It’s important to understand that suicide doesn’t appear out of nowhere. People with depression who attempt suicide go through a progression of statements and actions. Saying “I wish I were dead” or “I want to die” does not mean that she’s suicidal. It means that depression has distorted her thinking and emotions, but it hasn’t prodded her into action.
If you believe your girlfriend is suicidal, ask her flat out. “Girlfriend, are you having thoughts about killing yourself? Do you have a plan for killing yourself? Are you going to follow your plan?”
It sounds awful. You don’t want to believe someone would do that, and you don’t want to accuse them of being that far gone, but believe me, it’s not going to offend her. It will probably relieve her, and she will almost certainly be honest when she answers.
phouka,
yes, depression is progressive…however in someone who is already depressed such as his girlfriend, making comments such as “everything is lost” (which he states that she did say) and “i wish I were dead”. should be taken very seriously. oftentimes a person who attempts or commits suicide has made comments about death, or feeling hopeless in the time leading up to the suicide. This is very common sign that precedes a suicide. Often times a depressed person doesnt come right out to announce, "i am going to kill myself " they do not have to spell it out in order for it to be a risk. So, her despairing comments that “everything is lost” …and “i want to die” …yes, should be taken very seriously with help sought immediately.
Tollhouse, you’re speaking to someone who suffers chronic bouts of severe depression with occasional suicidal ideation and impulses for the last twenty years of my life. Don’t presume to lecture me.
I thought this was interesting:
There are many good resources available Ryan Liam, on major depression. You can if you read over them,or if you talk to a mental health professional, learn that when a depressed person makes references to or about death, such as “everything seems lost” or “i dont see the point to life” or “i wish I could sleep forever” " life is hopeless" “i want to die” etc these are examples of making references to hopeless or death and if you read on it or ask a doctor, they will tell you that these should be taken very seriously. It doesnt mean that person will try suicide BUT its a major warning sign that commonly precedes suicide. Survivors of suicide often later recall the loved one had made some type of gesturing. In some cases they dont but the majority do make some suicidal hints, comments or gestures before they do. So all that to say it doesnt necesarily mean she would but it should be taken serious