I agree with those who’ve said accept it politely and sock it away. You can’t stop them from giving you money without a big scene and it’ll come in useful later.
Why on earth does your mom think you’re mentally disabled?
Also, I think it’s somewhat common for parents to lose it a little when their kids are thinking of moving out. My mom did the same thing. My dad not so much, but they’ve been divorced since I was 2 and he and I are acquaintances, occasional friends at best. I think you’ll just have to deal until they stop. Unfortunately, your mom may never stop. I’m 38 years old and have birthed two children, yet I’m still the baby and the “lucky” recipient of occasionally cloying attention from my mom. I’ve just learned to deal with it and try to appreciate it.
You can’t do it without offending them. So either take the money and put it into a savings account for them (they’ll need it when they’re older), or refuse it and risk hurting their feelings. Don’t give them your bank account number for direct deposits, don’t cash their checks.
Deciding that the strings attached to parental funding are not worth accepting the money in the first place is very adult of you. Just stick to your guns about it, and don’t let them manipulate you into taking something you don’t want or need (this is bog-standard boundary-enforcement, it’s not easy but it’s necessary, etc).
off-topic, but this is not an obligation the OP has to accept if he/she doesn’t want to.
There’s an old For Better or Worse comic about your situation:
The father sends money to the college-aged son, and the wife argues with him.
She says “you should have invested that money for our old age”
He answers: “I just did”.
Take the money, put it in a separate bank account, and leave it there.
Until the day comes when you cannot leave it there.
By then, you may be 19, and need the money for youself.And your parents will be glad they helped.
Or you may be 49, and need the money for your parents’ health care. And you will be glad that you helped.
That’s what family is all about.
Another thing to remember, Zinnic, is that there may be a time when your parents cannot help you with money. Maybe their financial situation will one day preclude cash gifts or emergency bail-outs. Take the money now before they change their minds, man!
My 84-year-old father-in-law insists on writing us a check whenever we go out for a meal together or (worse) sometimes when I make a nice family meal. He even gave me a check to cover what he felt were his part of the expense of Christmas dinner, which actually did hurt my feelings a little. I’ve learned to just smile and take the checks and then never cash them.
On the other hand, I have an independent adult daughter who started making a decent, secure income this year, and it takes every fiber of my strength not to offer her money every time I talk to her. She needs a new computer? Well, we could buy that for her! Her coat isn’t warm enough? I saw one in a store that would be perfect! She needs new boots?? Why didn’t we go to the shoe store when she was home for Christmas? I don’t know why I do this, because she truly values her independence and is rightly proud of the hard work she’s done to get where she is. I try really, really hard not to give in to this impulse, and when I do fail and end up trying to give her money, she refuses it with a smile. I hope she understands that I’m not questioning her ability to support herself. It’s just that old habits die hard, and it can be really tough for parents to learn new ways to express our love once our kids don’t depend on us financially any more.
So, yeah, take the money, thank them, and sock it away. Try to see it in the best light you can, and if they seem to be trying to exert too much control over you by giving you cash, give it back then.
My parents just gave it a new twist. “Were gonna be dead soon enough, so we rather see it help you now, instead of when we are dead”
No way I can argue with that one.
Zinnic, from your OP it sounds like you see a lot of high drama in your interactions with your parents. I’m going to suggest that you take the initiative and push the thoughts of drama out of your mind. If you want to interact with them as fellow adults, then take the lead on this. You will likely see that their motivations and expectations are much less charged than you originally thought. Don’t look for the worst in this situation, don’t make it bigger than it is.
So, take the money, kindly tell them, “Thank you, but you really don’t need to do this.” And then pocket it, and go on with your day.
As parents of second year university student, we are quite familiar with the desire of our daughter to make her own way in the world. Miss DrumBum has been a world class saver since she was able to count and over the years has developed quite a pile of money. We are picking up the cost of attending school ( tuition, books, room & board ) but after her first year, she soon realized that the ancillary costs and living on her own were quite a bit higher than she expected, and these were consuming much more of her own money than she expected.
I expect that you will encounter unexpected costs while you are away - car/bike breaks down, school items, etc. - so as other posters have suggested, take your parents help. Trust me, you will need it. If you still have feelings of guilt save the money you don’t use and spend it on them later.
As others have said just taking the money and thanking them is the path of least resistance and may help to improve your relationship with your parents. As others have said you can put it in a separate account to have as an emergency nest egg for yourself and if your parents finances do start suffering you can give it back. Its good all around.
If however you want to make a stand, you should refuse it and explain why it bothers you. If they insist, then you can follow the model above but make it clear to them that you still consider it their money have no intention of touching the money in that account unless it is truly and emergency.
Overall though getting into a huge fight over it seems a waste of time.
Well, dang. I left that message only half-expecting replies, and lo and behold, the Teeming Millions are intelligent, understanding, and eager to help. Guess I’ll be hanging around this forum for a while.
Long-ass story. The short version is that I wasn’t a very well-socialized kid. (Smart, oldest in the class, only child, kinda spoiled. Books were better company than peers.) This led to a few labels being slapped on me, none of which fit very well. I’ve dropped most of my bad habits, but since my parents and I don’t get along, I don’t act as I normally do around them. Hence, she still thinks there’s something wrong with me.
YOU, good sir, are a GENIUS. I’d like to shake your hand. Seriously, this never struck my mind. I’m so used to having to refuse offers that the thought of actively initiating a request feels like walking on my hands. But I think it’ll work. I’ll try it.
To everyone who told me to sock the money away: I’ll be doing a bit more research on IRAs and an CDs, first. For now, the money’s staying in my sock drawer. Feels good to not have to do anything with it. My budget shall remain pristine!
How about a simple savings account? Unless you get it in big chunks, I’m not sure a CD is the right answer. Having an IRA is great…but in this case, I might want to have the money available in case of an emergency, or in case I wanted to return it.
