How do I kindly tell a relative to stop buying me expensive presents?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My aunt bought me a set of tea cups, saucers, and plates about 15 years ago. I really liked them at the time but they’re not really my taste any more. This year for Christmas she bought me a couple more pieces of the set. Now she’s telling my mother that she’s trying to track down the tea pot, sugar bowl, and creamer to go with them. They’re moderately expensive, and she doesn’t have a lot of money but I know she wants to do something nice for me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I appreciate how much she want to do something nice, but I don’t want her to keep spending money on something that I don’t need/want.

Should I just gracefully accept the gifts and then sell them on eBay? (OK, no, I really wouldn’t do that because I’m sure she’s looking on eBay and would see them and know what I did.) I guess the real alternative here is to gracefully accept them and just keep them in storage for a while.

Should I let my mother tell her that I am moving and won’t have room for this kind of thing?

Should I tell her how much I appreciate the thought but that… something?

What’s the kindest way to handle the situation? She shouldn’t have to go spending lots of money on something that really won’t be appreciated.

2

I think that this is your real answer, along with the comment gently said, " I just don’t or haven’t had any occassion to ever really use them. It’s a shame, they are so pretty."

Nothing like those kinda gifts. White elephants of huge guilt.

3

I have a couple relatives like this. They want to give you things. It makes them happy. Why take that away from them?

If I were you, I’d mention an item that I really wanted in front of her, as in “Oh, gosh, I could really use a new mixer.” If she’s going to buy you a present anyway, why not direct her to something you really want?

Nor would I sell the stuff on Ebay. What if she came over one time and wanted to compare the pattern, or something? She’d be very hurt if she ever found out you sold the china.

4

Some years ago I had heard from my brother that my Grandma was thinking of buying me a sewing machine. I didn’t use one much at the time and thought, no way, why would I want that. But then when she called me and proposed this, I just couldn’t say no, because she sounded so hopeful about it. Now of course I use it a lot, but I know that’s moot in this case since you wouldn’t start liking them later!

Do you ever have big family dinners at your house? Even using them once with her in attendance would mean a lot to her I’m sure. And if someday you do want to sell them, having the whole set will make it more valuable.

5

Put them away and give them to a little up-and-comer girl when she gets her first place or gets married. You can start a family heirloom tradition if they’re nice pieces.

6

You very politely decline the gift then hand them my address and ask that they send it to someone who would truly appreciate it.

:smiley: I’m sorry, someone had to be a little shit and say it.

Seriously, you could tell her you are in no need of these things but if she truly felt compelled to be generous that perhaps she could donate to a charity in your name.

7

SHe one of those women that grow up when all house holds needed a good table setting I’ll bet. That is the type of thing an aunt or mother would have bought you until you had every piece over the years. Don’t tell her when she shows up with the hard to find peice. Tell her during a chat that your saving towards something and you realy think it’s great. From then on keep telling her what you want. Most people latch onto one thing that you liked and stick with it for one reason. They no longer have any idea what you would really like to get. They want you to like what you get, so they stick with what they know.

8

You cannot “kindly” do what you’re asking. From her perspective, you can do it only with varying degrees of cruelty. Setting aside that what she’s giving you might likely one day have great financial and sentimental value, there are things you can do with her gifts if you don’t like them. Put them away in storage. Give them to people who do like them. Pass them on to your children. Display them out of love for her (other people might like them a lot). Sell them. Throw them away. Just please don’t hurt her feelings for doing something she enjoys for someone she loves.

9

Maybe I’m missing something here, and if so I apologize for being stupid.

But it sounds like it’s just your taste in china that has changed. If, and only if, I am right, why not find a good way to inform her that “I’m now collecting the xxx pattern from xxx?”

Doesn’t sound like she’s locked into buying you only one pattern, just something that she knows you used to love. If this is so, I don’t think she’d have a problem switching over to whatever you fancy now.

But I admit I am maybe oversimplifying things.

She does sound like a marvelous person, though, IMHO. You are lucky, and best wishes for a good for all resolution to you dilemma.

10

It’s really more that I’m not into collecting china tea sets at all. They were cute when I was 10. But it’s just not my thing any more (plus the pattern is pretty little-girl-ish). But I really really don’t want to offend her. As you said, she’s a wonderful person. But she really shouldn’t spend as much as I’m sure she is on this stuff. I mean, yes, that’s her business not mine, but I feel so bad knowing that she’s spending more than she really can afford on something I don’t want anyway.

11

I have an aunt-in-law like that. She’s always buying us stuff, and her tastes don’t match ours. And some of it isn’t the kind of stuff you can just put away when she leaves. ie about a year before we bought a house she bought us some big gaudy christmas decorations for the yard. Yup, had to put them up this year. When she found out we were buying a house, she started getting paint samples and pictures etc… for the new house. We did eventually have to hurt her feelings/break her spirit. When she found out we were getting married, she started planning the wedding (which BTW she was never asked to do). She even went so far as to start buying decorations for the church, put down a deposit on a harp player for the reception and picked the colors. It was finnally time to put a stop to it (by proxy of course) and tell her that she needs to back off, this isn’t her wedding to plan. I’m sure it hurt her, but she understood and bounced right back. The xmas decoration I mentioned before, came after the wedding.

The thing I found with her is that the trick is to focus her energy. Now it sounds like you aunt is trying to put together a set for you (or is it for her), if that’s the case this may not work. If she’s doing it because she thinks you like it then this may work. But what I do is I casually mention something I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for a picture of xxxx to hang here in the kitchen but I can’t find it anywhere) and a week later she has it for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exploit her by any means, I just redirect the energy. It’s better all around, she’s happy, I’m happy, we’re all happy.

12

You can always tell her that you have found another pattern that you are excited about and ask her what she think of it. It might even be something that you could “co-mingle” with the other pattern. You could even ask her if she could help you with this pattern at Christmas time instead of “your other favorite.”

Another possibility is telling her that at Christmas time you had rather that she make a contribution to a different charity each year in your name. The surprise will be in learning what charity she has chosen.

But one thing I wish to suggest to you. How much she spends on you should not be your business. That is her choice to make. Part of what she is paying for is her own pleasure in giving. Part of your gift to her is allowing her pleasure to continue.

13

Exactly.

14

Most of the suggestions here are great. Gently guide her if you must.

Purely anecdotal, this, so you may stop reading here if you like:

My grandmother bought me a set of china dishes when I was a teenager. I expressed so much pleasure over them that, naturally, each year, she began to buy me more to the set: glasses, tea cups, silverware, bowls, sugar bowl, creamer, gravy boat… by the end of it, I had burner covers, a kitchen clock, and even a baker’s rack that all matched those original china plates! Well, as I got older, I didn’t care much for the pattern anymore, but I could never bring myself to tell her that. Then, two years ago, I moved away. I hadn’t intended to move, so my china et al were left at a friend’s house. Well, the friend and I got into a fight shortly after, and she hasn’t spoken to me since. My china is gone. My mother doesn’t want to go over to her house to deal with her to get it back (and she shouldn’t have to), and I’m… well, I’m 3000 miles away, and arguing with her would just get my stuff smashed up. Yeah, yeah, small claims… what a bother. Not worth it. But you know, I miss that damn china. Not just because it’s in the hands of someone undeserving, but after I moved, and now that I’m in the fabulous immigration limbo, I realise I may not see my grandmother anytime soon. It’s been two years already. I took for granted that she just lived a few minutes from me before, and now, she’s so far away. I miss that ugly china. It was from her, and she loves me, and she bought it for me because she wanted me to have something because she truly believed I loved it. How could I have ever told her otherwise?

So, recently, when I called her before Christmas, she asked if I would like it if she got me a piece of a Christmas village every year until the day she dies. (her words! silly old fool! :slight_smile: ) So I thought, well, what’s the harm in that? It’s something she would love picking out (the woman has three full villages she sets up every Christmas!) and she gets them for my mother, too - she has fun with it. And I thought, really, a Christmas village, you can’t go too wrong with that, can you? A small, tasteful village from the same set each year, that would be wonderful. And one day I could tell my own children that this is the set their great grandmother sent me for years, and they would ooh and ahh…
The first piece she ever sent me? A huge church, lit from within… covered in fibre optic colour changing psychedelic lights! :eek:
And every year, that guady thing gets pride of place on the countertops, featured prominently for everyone who comes in to see. While all of our other “tasteful” decorations go up in their perfectly matched silvers, creams, and blues… this giant church constantly changes colours - red, purple, green, blue, and multi-coloured sparkles - and if anyone asks, I beam proudly and tell them it’s from my dear Nanny.
And that ugly sucker is staying in the family for generations to come. Guady be damned, it’s from my Nanny! :smiley:

15

I tried that once. The relative donated in my name *and *bought me a present! Some people need to give you something tangible.

16

I think some people just have to learn to stop giving gifts.
And it’s up to those of us who are on the receiving end to do the teaching. It’s nobody else’s job after all, unless your mother feels involved and independent enough to pull it off.

I had an aunt that keeps sending my sister cups and saucers, which she loves, and has on display all over her house.
So as “not to leave you out” she would send me stupid coffee cups (she knows I won’t drink anything out of a teacup and saucer). The kind with Garfield bragging about eating a lot.

I finally just had to tell her to stop sending me gifts “just because”.
She asked a couple of times for a reason, or what other thing she could send and I just repeated I’m all done with coffee cups and just don’t want to start up with something new. And she pressured my mom to tell her what else to send.
Fortunately my mom said she was not getting involved and to talk to me.
I finally told her if she kept sending stuff it would hurt my feelings. Since that was her line, she was stumped for an answer and gave up.

17

Now, maybe this is an example of the differences between men and women, because I could never do this. I think it’s mean.

Gift giving has a lot of emotional connotations. I consider the emotions of the giver when recieving them, and would never cut someone off entirely. They give you gifts because they love you, plain and simple. Rejecting the gift-giving can be seen by some people as rejecting their love. Why take the risk of it being a sore point in your relationship?

I see nothing wrong with steering gift-giving into more enjoyable channels. I have one relative who I managed to steer towards giving me gift certificates for books-- best idea I ever had.

18

you know, I think you might want to tell her something like… “Aunt Sophie, you have always been so sweet to remember me all of these years with thse beautiful teasets. I chereish each and every one you have given to me, it makes me happy that you think so much about me to go to this much effort. To be honest though, you have given me so much that I am overwhelmed with your generosity, why don’t you put that money towards a cruise or some other trip you would enjoy. It would make me so happy to see you enjoying yourself like that, you could send me postcards from all of the exotic locations you visit.”

She is buying these to show you how much she cares about you, you don’t want to even hint you would rather have something else, nor should you send your mom to fix the problems. The point is to treat her with the affection she has tried to show you all of these years. If she still wants to give you the teasets think of how much love and happiness she has put into giving each one of them.