How do I use a treadmill?

We’ve got a treadmill that’s been largely unused. In addition to personal issues (i.e. sloth) there is the problem that I don’t really know how to use a treadmill. There’s various settings on the control panel, but it sort of assumes you know what you’re doing.

I don’t.

Is there an online or book source that people would recommend, to help the Pipers from becoming the pudgy Pipers?

What’s the brand/model?
In general, make sure the key is in (and connected to you/your shirt etc), turn it on and push, well, something. If it’s a newer model I would look for some sort of a “manual” button that lets you pick your own speed, otherwise just pick one of the programs and hit the go/start button. If it gets going to fast just pull the key out and everything will stop. But while it’s going experiment with the different settings.
Also, for some units you have to enter your height/weight/age before it’ll start.

Is there an airplane on it, trying to take off?

I find About.com is always a good place to start for these kinds of questions. It’s all kind of in one place.

Download the user manual for your mil and read it. Otherwise, you need to figure it out intuitively. You could stand aside and push the various buttons and write down what they do.

First, study the dashboard and find the incline and speed buttons. Then push the start button and see if it runs with the speed increased. Sometimes the pause button needs to be pushed first before increasing the speed. They use that protocol for safety.

When standing on the mill, always have the emergency stop cord attached to you. Accidents are never anticipated. Use the hand rails at first to check your balance.

You can operate the treadmill in manual mode without knowing how to use and set those user programs if it has them.

Congratulations on deciding to get moving. Of course, you always have the outside available to walk too so don’t blame the treadmill learning curve for not exercising.