My best friend has a roomate who, up until recently, held a steady job which would allow her to pay half of the rent. However, she felt it more important to just give him whatever she had left over at the end of the month, which was typically much, much less than half of the rent.
That is until recently, in which she lost her job. But instead of my friend kicking her out, he’s letting her live with him rent-free. In fact, she lives there completely free, since he buys her food, clothes, etc. She also nags him all the time and drives him nuts; every time him and I go out somewhere she has to be part of it. He used to date her, that is, until she cheated on him. After that, he didn’t trust her at all but the thing I find totally perplexing is why he puts up with this. Sometimes I feel like my friend is a magnet for misery.
I’m not so much mad at my friend, just mad at the fact that he allows all this to happen. When him and I spend time together a lot of the conversation is how much his roomate is pissing him off. I keep telling him “Kick her out!” and he says “I will…” but it never happens. I really think he would be better off without her living with him. I’m his best friend, I’ve known him for fifteen years, and even I can’t get through to him on this situation.
You can’t rescue your friend. He’s allowing himself to be used and he’s getting something out of it. Whatever that is, until the abuse he’s taking outweighs it, he’ll put up with the crap dished out by said parasite.
I’ve been in similar situations myself when I was younger. He’s digging his own grave, so to speak, but trust me – you won’t be able to push him into anything. He might eventually come around and assert himself on the issue, but it will likely take some sort of major crisis for him to come to his senses. Unfortunate, but true. Now, if a year or two down the road, after said crisis has occured, and he gets himself into a similar situation without learning his lesson, that would be the time to slap him around a bit.
Just try not to be his crutch if this gets him into say… financial trouble, unless it’s absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t want anything with major long-term consequences to get him into deeper trouble. A simple, but firm “I can’t help you out with this because I think you’re hurting yourself” is what I’d advise. Hopefully he’s the kind of guy that won’t let that upset things between you.
Although if you want a personal testamonial to pass along to him, use this:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP! SHE’S BAD NEWS! SHE’S JUST USING YOU! STOP NOW, YOU WILL REGRET THIS!
The thing I am worried about is that this is part of his personality, to let people use him like this. The reason I think that is because he had been in a relationship for 4 years in which he was on the receiving end of nothing but abuse and financial exploitation.
If it took him YEARS to come to his senses back then, and he’s just as ready to throw himself into the same kind of hell (even though he denies it) I am seriously concerned on how long it will take him to work things out now.
Well, that certainly sucks. I think about the only thing you can do as a friend is tell him that if he isn’t willing to do anything about the situation, you’re not willing to listen to him complain about it anymore. Also tell him she’s not welcome to come on your outings with him anymore, either. Time for some tough love, baby.
Yeah, he might come to his senses and throw her out. Or he might marry her and have a kid. At least, that’s what my best friend did with his human parasite.
Not necessarily. Not all states recognize common law marriage as valid, and those that do typically (IIRC) require at least a few/several years’ duration in relationship.
No…they would have to live together for something like 10 years. And even then, simply having live-in bitches does not make them a common-law wife.
I can give you my patented roomate ejector plan (essentially an escalating series of tried & true customized techniques for making a roomate feel so ‘uncomfortible’ that they leave on their own).
Won’t work though since the plan requires your roomate to have his own set of balls.
I have no sympathy for someone who is not wiling to help themselves.
Sometimes I like to reflect back what people are saying/doing - and I’ve had helpful friends reflect back to me. Along the lines of “Why would you want to kick her out? Of course you should put up with her abuse - you don’t deserve anything better, and she has every right to trample your feelings. You owe it to her to support her, right? Haven’t you given her any money today?”
Sometimes hearing it said out loud helps a person see how silly they’re being, and it’s easier than locking horns. But you have to really know them to pull it off. And I agree w/the other posters, there’s not much you can do.
There is also typically a requirement that the couple present themselves to the world as married; that is, sharing bank accounts, having both names on a car title, that sort of thing. Only a few states even have common law marriage anymore.
Of course I’m in Canada, but around these parts if a guy and a girl are living together and having sex, regardless of what they call themselves, after 1 year of cohabitation they are considered common-law.
this means if one trys to boot the other out, the bootie is entitled to all the benefits of a married partner.
I know this because, oh so many moons ago, I was living with a dead-beat loser for 11.5 months. Believe me - when I found out that because he hadn’t worked the whole time we lived together, theoretically I could be expected to pay him spousal support should our living arrangment extend another 2 weeks, I moved in a big hurry.
BTW - around the world is a rim job where I come from. And no, I don’t know from personal experience. I’m a strictly no-poo-hole kinda girl.
