[QUOTE=Hello Again]
I don’t how to explain this… but as a 13 year old this person is becoming even more aware than ever about how society demands women’s conformance to a very narrow ideal. The phrase “how a woman does things” would have set me to bristling at 13, and still kind of does, actually –
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I think, in this case, it’s you. My mother didn’t say “a woman” to distinguish me from “a man”, but from “a little girl”.
As a little girl, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup. When I was 13 (and really, really, wanted to be a Grown Up Woman), I was allowed to, but only after learning how to do it properly. Not properly as in tea and crumpets, properly as in, “here’s how you blend colors and what colors look good with your skin tone”.
I wasn’t allowed to cook, weed the garden, drive a car or use her sewing machine without lessons, either. Putting on makeup is no more an inborn knowledge than anything else. If she’s going to do it, she might as well learn how to use the tools properly. She can then decide whether she wants rose lipstick or black or none at all.
(And, I’d also have you know that I’ve given my *son *some makeup tips. Why should he suffer a zit in school pictures when the girls can cover theirs up? He now knows not only how to cover up redness, but how to do it so he doesn’t look like he’s wearing anything, it that’s what he wants. Welcome to the Aughts!)
I don’t particularly care if someone has neatly matted hair which is cleaned with solvents instead of water - dredlocks look really great on some people. But they are not achieved or maintained by not washing or brushing. They’re a hairstyle to be chosen purposefully, not something you end up with 'cause you don’t know what else to do. It’s not about gender expectations, it’s about hygiene!
[QUOTE=Zsofia]
By the way, does anybody have any suggestions about more personal stuff? She doesn’t seem to wear a bra and she doesn’t need one - I’d say just from a glance that she’s a late developer, and you’d think she was much younger than 13. She said she didn’t need any underwear, but I’m not sure she’d tell me if she did, and like I said above, when I was that age I didn’t tell anybody I was in dire need of new undies either. Her mom is pretty much nonfunctional and I figure she’s getting to the age where she doesn’t want to tell her dad that she needs new panties or that she wants to start wearing bras or that she needs tampons, but when you’re that age anything like that is far, far too cringeingly embarrassing to discuss with anyone. Any suggestions on how to make sure she’s getting the stuff she needs?
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Don’t get her a bra until she needs one or asks for one. Until then, undershirts or camisoles work just fine under translucent shirts. I’d just get her a 6 pack of underwear at Target - they’re sized like pants, I believe, so if you know her pants size from shopping, just grab her some undies while you’re at it.
You can call her school and find out what and when they teach re: puberty and sex ed. Then just fill in the gaps best you can. Will her parents freak out if you buy her a book like Our Bodies, Our Selves or What’s Happening To My Body? I found (with my very shy son) that simply leaving a book on his desk with no comment was the most comfortable way to handle it. A few weeks later, I mentioned, in passing, “oh, about that book - if you have any questions, you know…” and he blushed and mumbled something negatory. I added, “Or, you know, talk to Uncle Johnny if you want…” and that was more or less the end of that. But we’ve had a pretty frank relationship about sex and things - the things we haven’t talked about specifically were things like hair growth, masturbation and what to do with a boner in Algebra class. I felt it best to leave those things to the males in his life unless he brings them to me.
She’ll start developing breast buds before she starts bleeding. So you’ll know when it’s time to toss her a pack of pads before she needs them. Don’t make it a big deal, just, “Here, thought you might need these soon. If you have any questions, you know…”