There’s a lot of good advice here, even the conflicting stuff. With kids, you have to try a lot of stuff to find what works. So “talk to her - just keep talking!” and “Stop talking and listen!” are BOTH good pieces of advice. You’ll probably have to try both and some more besides to find what works.
My favorite way of getting kids to open up is to take a car ride. Seriously, it’s like magic. No ipod, no DVD player, just sit 'em in the seat next to you and start driving. Even my son, the most private contemplative Capricorn on the planet will open up during a car ride. I think maybe it has something to do with the impossibility of eye contact - the level of intimacy is entirely up to the kid, because I can’t take my eyes off the road.
You have no idea the bizarre “long-cuts” I’ve taken to get to the mall sometimes, when he gets into an interesting topic. Sometimes the mall is 20 minutes away, sometimes it’s an hour!
Don’t try to find good things about her crappy movies - instead, ask *her *what’s good about them. Ask her, if she was in the movie, what part she’d like to play. Or ask her, if the movie was real, which character she’d like to be and why. That might give you some interesting insights. I wonder if she likes escapist crap because, y’know, she’d like to escape?
Rent Children of Heaven and watch it with her. Great movie, higher brow. If she doesn’t like it, she’s an asshole . Try some of your favorites from yesteryear: The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, The Neverending Story (cute boys in that one!), The Watcher in the Woods, The Secret of Roan Inish, Return to Oz, etc. Sure, they’re a little young for your average 13 year old, but my guess is her parents haven’t gone out of their way to expose her to classic children’s cinema. Oh, and have you seen Enchanted? Really, really fun movie that’s not at all as crappy as it sounds. If she’s truly resistant to such “kids movies”, try Clueless, *Emma * (same story, 200 years apart) or *Titanic *to appeal to her romantic side. Edward Scissorhands, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, and *Powder *are great ones for themes of alienation and isolation, which I expect she might relate to - but check ratings and use your best judgment.
The one thing I wouldn’t worry too much about is her hair and slovenliness. While in adults we like to use these as a judge of character, in children it’s usually just because they’re careless. When she becomes interested in boys - really interested, not just talk - you can help her learn better hygiene and she’ll actually be interested in it. It might take longer than you think - my son didn’t really give a shit until almost 15, no matter what we did. Then, wouldn’t you know it, he developed a crush on my friend Gina, and when I told him how *Gina *recommended he wash his hair thrice a week and use conditioner and comb it through in the shower so his curls wouldn’t frizz - well darned if he didn’t suddenly figure it out! (I’d been telling him the same thing for about 10 years, BTW!) Gina, bless her heart, complimented him on his hair the next time she saw him AND mentioned how much she likes men with a really close shave! Score! Next day, he asked for money to buy a new razor.
Two important things I do agree on: get her into counseling so they can poke around her noggin and see if she’s been sexually abused. It does sound like she has some of the classic behavioral symptoms. Some kids act out, some become “vacant” - both are common responses to sexual activity before they’re developmentally ready.
Second, (it’s already been stated, but it’s so important I’ll say it, too) don’t get into this unless you’re prepared for the long haul. It could be more damaging to her to have you take an interest and then drop her than to never get involved in the first place. If you get involved and then drift away (for whatever reason, good or bad), she may very well interpret that as further evidence that she’s worthless and horrible and that’s why no one loves her.