Well, now I’m curious. Anyone else like Leaffan and never encountered someone who didn’t want to be hugged? Maybe things are different in Canada? (If so remind me not to go there.)
ETA and after seeing Leffan’s ETA, I don’t mean a big old rib crusher. I personally do not like to be touched by anyone I am not intimate with (or wanting to be intimate with!).
People have a thing with everything. If there is one thing I’ve really come to appreciate as I’ve gotten older is that everyone likes, hates, and tolerates different things.
I hate hugging but when assaulted with a hug I like to keep it a little longer and a little tighter than they like. Sometimes with an optional ass grab.
I rather suspect that some of the people you’re hugging don’t like it but also don’t wish to make a scene. Hell, I used to be that way, until I realized it was ridiculous to allow people to invade my personal space out of a desire not to cause them embarrassment.
One of my busybody sisters, hearing about this incident, objected that I was not modeling good behavior for my kids in pushing Carl away. This seems ridiculous to me. All I’m teaching my daughter, I think, is that she doesn’t have to let men touch her if she doesn’t want them to; and what I’m teaching my sons is not to touch people if they object.
I think Skald is unusually bold. Most people just don’t feel comfortable asserting their personal boundaries, and they’ll tolerate mild touchy-feeliness just for the sake of getting along.
I’m sure the coworker who’s always reaching out to touch my arms and back thinks I don’t mind it since I’ve never told him to stop. But if he asked my opinion, I’d tell him.
If you looked like Santa, at a store, would you tell the little kids who run up to you thinking you are Santa to back off?
There is a guy who frequents (or used to frequent) the Memphis Central Library who DOES look like Santa. Big, tall, fat white dude with white hair and puffy beard; he even uses a cane painted to look like a candy cane. I’d wonder how he handles little kids thinking he’s old Saint Nick, though seeing the description typed out makes me suspect that he cultivates the image and doesn’t mind.
Im not a hugger, but will give hugs and receive them when given.I wouldn’t push a dude on his butt for trying to give me a hug though. You would freak if you moved to a country where they kiss your check everrrrryyytime you see someone.
Personally, I just go with it. I’m not so averse to hugging that it’s worth making a scene over, and most people will self-correct if I just stick my hand out to shake.
Skald, I do think you were within your rights to push the guy back. There’s no reason to force a hug on someone who has said they prefer otherwise. Carl is an asshole, and that’s the bottom line.
The only issue here is that you want to reject the very first hug, if you can. Consistency is important. People like Carl are probably a lost cause anyway, but if your message is inconsistent, they’re more likely to misinterpret things. In particular, they’re much more likely to interpret it as a hostile rejection rather than a personal space issue.
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
Virginia Satir, “Mother of Family Therapy”
I don’t really care. I don’t initiate hugs, but if someone wants to hug me, that’s fine, it’s over fast enough if I’m not into it.
What I haven’t seen mentioned here is your dad’s feelings about it. Seems to me with this guy, you have to make the choice of standing up for your no hugging stance, or putting up with it for your dad’s sake. I guess that depends on how you feel about your dad. Your point of an example for your daughter is a good one. Tough choice.
Oh, fess up, Gus. You love it when your beard and hair convince the kids you’re Santa while the leathers and tee shirt with the sleeves cut off convince the parents you’re Sonny Barger having a bad day and you’re going to dismember their children. 
You have absolutely no obligation to let anyone touch you if you don’t want them to. And you’re dead right, this is a very good lesson to teach your kids (girls and boys, it doesn’t make a difference).
I’m a hugger with good friends and family, but not with random acquaintances and definitely not with people who are deliberately trying to force unwanted contact on me. When someone goes to hug me and I don’t particularly want to, but they’re just being friendly and have no reason to know where my specific borderlines lie, I just go with it. I’ve never encountered someone who has reason to know I specifically don’t want to hug him and tried anyway, but if I did, I’d take a step back, do a straight arm if necessary, smile and say firmly, ‘No.’ No explanations, no details, just ‘No.’ The answer to ‘But everybody needs hugs’ is ‘I’ll bear that in mind.’
I vaguely remember Miss Manners recommending responding to unwanted hugs by doubling over like you’re in agonising pain, but I could be imagining that.
You said “no”. He was in the wrong. You are under no obligation to let random acquaintances grab you in the grocery store.
No one got pushed onto his ass. Carl got pushed back a few steps after willfully ignoring my [del]request[/del] directive that he not attempt to hug me. Given that he already knew my preference not to be hugged, can you explain his actions other than assholery?
I wouldn’t freak out in a country where “they” kiss your cheek every time “they” see you. I’d adjust if necessary–that is, if it were truly the custom for strangers to greet one another with cheek kisses. But that’s irrelevant, because it’s not the custom for every person in Memphis to hug every other person in Memphis. What the insistent huggers are doing is violating others’ personal space for their own satisfaction. They’re being assholes.
I’m a hugger, and I too feel that ‘everyone could use a hug’, or ‘hugs are the best medicine’. But those are my thought, my feelings, my my beliefs. It would be wrong for me to force those thoughts/feelings/beliefs onto others.
I do realize that not everyone’s a hugger, and I am especially watchful and observant, in that brief moment as we’re about to greet each other, to see if a hug is welcomed. If it’s obvious that we’re about to hug, that it’s mutual, then we’ll hug. But if there’s any doubt, then I offer a hand to shake. Best to err on the safe side.
It can be awkward in work situations, when first seeing friends/coworkers after not having seen them in a while (they’re from different offices, e.g.). In a ‘many on many’ greeting situation, like my office group is welcoming a group visiting from another office, I’ll hug some but not all based on how well I know the person and what’s my read on their welcoming a hug or not. Another guy in my group hugs every woman, that’s just what he does, and I can see in the face of some hugees that they’re just politely tolerating it. But at the end of the greetings, I’ve hugged some but not all of the ladies, and that’s alright with me. If a lady isn’t a hugger, then hugging her wouldn’t be a “good” hug. I don’t.
I was taught military courtesy years ago, that when greeting a lady I don’t first extend my hand to shake, but if a lady offers her hand to shake then I accept and reciprocate. If no hand is offered then I smile and greet verbally. I use the same approach for hugs (although Marines don’t usually greet other Marines with a hug).
Skald you were absolutely justified to do what you did. Perhaps an improvement would be, while you’re giving him the stiff-arm, to say, “Please remember, I’m not a hugger.” Or, “I don’t hug everybody.” Just a suggestion, but bottom line, you were justified and if anyone doesn’t like it (like your Dad) then it’s their problem. Hopefully they (incl. Dad) accept you and your explanation. But if not, then OH WELL, their problem.
Just reading this makes me want to push somebody on their ass.
No kidding. I wonder if Virginia Satir had ever been pushed onto her ass. I’m afraid she’d (unfortunately) respond with, "You, Skald, you need 24 hugs!
I tend to cringe and bear it, insofar as telling huggers that you don’t like it, tends to be disregarded.
The Rhymer Rules would prohibit me from pushing her onto her ass, but not from stlrong-arming her and telling her to fuck off.