How do you handle unwanted hugs?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Another etiquette thread, sort of.

So here’s the sitch. I am not a hugger, at least not to all and sundry. That’s not to say I won’t EVER hug: rather, that I only hug a certain group of people. My wife; our kids; my stepdaughter; two of my five sisters; one of my two brothers; and my favorite niece. I’ll hug people not on that list at funerals and other emotionally fraught occasions, but generally not otherwise.

Okay, enough background.

On Saturday, my wife & I took my dad grocery shopping, something we do one of every four weekends. While at Kroger we ran into a fellow I’ll call “Carl,” whom I worked with at my first job a quarter century ago and who is now the associate pastor at his father’s church, one of several churches my father attends regularly. (Dad would go to church every day if he could.) Carl affects to like me, which I think insincere; I don’t like him and never have. On the infrequent occasions we run into one another he tries to hug me; each time I demur. The last time I saw Carl was at one of my cousin’s funeral earlier this year. When he saw me before the service he insisted on giving me a hug, which I tolerated because of the occasion. After the service he tried to give me another one, at which time I pushed him at arm’s length and told him that I do not enjoy hugging, which he insisted could not be true “because everybody needs hugs.”

Anywho–Dad, Wife, Baby Daughter and I run into Carl at Kroger’s. Carl declares that he’s going to give me a hug. I’m not having it, so I try for a handshake, and when he keeps at it I push him back–not onto his ass, though I thought about it, but hard enough that he had to fight to keep his balance. He left in a huff.

My wife was half amused by this, half grateful I didn’t stomp on Carl’s instep. Dad was vexed, later saying that I’d embarrassed him in front of one of his church folk. Baby Daughter, being two years old, has no real idea what is going on as she was busy being the most beautiful little girl north, south, east, and west of the Pecos.

And then there’s you folks. Should I have allowed Carl to hug me? For that matter, how do you handle unwanted hugs?

2

No, you absolutely don’t have to allow anyone to hug you if you don’t want. You probably don’t have this problem, but I’ve had men use this to cop a feel.

I’m not a big hugger, either, or rather, like you, I love hugs but only from certain people. Really at this point it’s only one person. I’d really rather not hug anyone else on a day-to-day basis (funerals and weddings excepted).

Since you’ve even told Carl you don’t like hugs, pushing him was perfectly acceptable and I would have wanted to do the same thing. I usually will say “I’m not really a hugger”, and honestly, I’ve never had anyone push beyond that. Hugging isn’t really done in my circles much anyway, my friends are mostly like me.

3

I’m not a “hugger”, but I’ve never had to deal with this. I think it’s because people sense that I’m not a “hugger” and don’t even try. Or maybe I just don’t look very cuddly.

But I’ve had to deal with unwanted excursions into my personal space. Being the easy-going type, I can tolerate it for a little bit, which is usually as long as it lasts. But I’d probably lose my temper if someone refused to evaluate my body language and kept touching me. That’s a punchable offense.

There’s a guy at work who seems to go out of his way to touch me. If he were a woman, even a lesbian, I admit it wouldn’t bother me much. But for whatever reason, I get a bit peeved when he does it. I wish I had your guts.

4

Anaamika is right - no one should hug you against your will. And you are entirely within your rights to push someone off if he tries it.

I don’t mind hugs - in fact, in many/most cases I rather like it - but it is well beyond rude to force that kind of intimacy on someone unwillingly.

Regards,
Shodan

5

Since you’ve warned him on more than one occasion, and he announced what was going to happen and you objected, pushing him off was warranted.

The kind that’s tough is when they don’t give you warning but just move toward you arms out. Sometimes I will just jokingly say “No touching!” and dodge it somehow.

6

Back when Bill Clinton was president, I remember reading an article about presidential etiquette and what to do when meeting persons from more full-contact cultures - like where men routinely hold hands or kiss each other on the cheek in greeting - when responding in kind would lead to unfortunate photo ops for the Americans in the group. The article recommended the following bit of polite judo:

  1. Wait for the other guy to stretch out his arms toward you.
  2. Strongly seize his right hand in your right hand, thus creating a barrier with your diagonal arms.
  3. Place your left hand firmly on his shoulder, locking your elbow to keep him at arms’ length.
  4. Disengage while immediately turning your body to shake the next person’s hands.

I was amused that someone had planned this all out. I’m a hugger, myself, but it’s good advice when meeting dubious persons.

7

It’s ok to not want hugs, and when it’s hugging-and-kissing time you just stand out of the way and avoid being hugged. And people who like hugging can hate on you or talk about you later or whatever.

It’s also ok to not want hugs but buck up and endure that first hug, because they are just trying to be nice and they don’t know. But then you got to train them into the no-hugging thing, which takes a little doing, but handshakes are a good start. And the aforementioned skulking around during hug time.

(It’s actually kind of funny to manage this, at least for me, because sometimes I am looking to go in for the hug because I can’t remember who I hug and who I don’t and why or when and sometimes I think it’d really mean a lot to someone to get a hug from me or…anyway, I had a very awkward hug with my SIL last night).

BUT…being all “I’m going to hug you xtraz now specifically since you said you don’t like hugs!” is just stupid and childish and doesn’t need to be tolerated at all. Because the more it happens, the more elaborate it’s going to get. “Look, see you like hugs!” “Hey everyone I am hugging Sklad!” “Wait, lemme put down my burger so I can go hug my buddy Sklad!”

Dumb. Squash it. If being physical is what it takes, then that’s how it’s gonna have to go.

8

Next time “Carl” tries to hug you, flail your arms and scream “rape!” at the top of your lungs. My guess is that, outside of this fellow, it really isn’t an issue of much concern to you.

9

Actually it has been. Lotsa hugging in Memphis; I’ve frequently had to tell people that I do not hug casually. (I surprised several of my cousins by hugging them at the aforementioned funeral.) And I offended one of my sisters by not being willing to hug her earlier this year.

10

I explain that I really dislike hugging and am not a hugger. Seems to work. I make exception for immediate family, not for close friends.

11

Stand still with your arms to the side and ask, “Why are you squeezing me with your body?” Then high five everyone to celebrate lame reference humor.

12

I’m not much on hugging, either. I deal with it by turning every attempted hug into a “holy hug.” I got the term from a former co-worker. It’s the kind of hugging that might be done at church so that church ladies and jealous spouses and such aren’t offended. It’s easy. You simply turn sideways into every hug. It is then just a one-armed hug across the shoulders rather than a full-on embrace. It’s easier for the hugee to tolerate and, after a time or two, gets across to all but the most dense of huggers that you don’t want to be hugged.

13

If you can burp or fart on command, that’s a useful thing to stop hugs. Or you can just knee the unwanted hugger in the testicles very hard. Unless you have a pair of vice grips handy.

14

Hmmm. I don’t mind hugs; I’m a hugger. I hug friends all the time, even male friends. I never thought people had a thing with hugging.

15

Try “sorry, I can’t” instead of “I don’t like.” You don’t have to give him any explanation of why you “can’t.” Saying it this way carries the implication (or at least the possibility) that your refusal to hug is based on more than personal preference. If he demands an explanation, murmur “sorry, I can’t” again and change the subject. If you have to, resort to “I’m sorry, but it’s personal.”

Subbing in “I can’t” for “I don’t want to” is an effective technique for all sorts of dealings with pushy people. No, it doesn’t always work, but it often does.
You were totally justified in pushing him away. He’s a creep looking to cop a feel. Not necessarily a sexual feel, but he’s doing this for his gratification, not yours. His insistence that “everybody needs hugs” makes this plain. Even if were true, you certainly don’t need a hug from HIM specifically.

16

If someone touches you without consent, isn’t it assault?

It’s beyond ridiculous that someone can announce “I’m a hugger!” and we’re supposed to let them violate our personal space! In my youth, I’d been known to reply, “I’m a puncher” or “listen, touching me is not a good idea” (with thousand-yard stare) and make my escape.

These days, if someone wants to get huggy, I start coughing and claim a virus.

17

I felt my blood pressure rise when you said that this jerk announced that he was going to hug you after you’d clearly told him it wasn’t your thing. What a pompous ass.

I like Merenith’s solution: hand extended for handshake, stiff arm on shoulder (or in the middle of the jerk’s chest, if necessary) to keep the hugger at arm’s length. Or, stand perfectly still with your arms at your sides then growl loudly and lean away in revulsion when a hugger approaches you.

As for your dad feeling embarrassed, well, that’s his problem. You might point out to him that you’d already told Carl not to hug you and that Carl was the one being rude, not you.

Now, for the really important comment: I know you have rules about what you will and will not post to the Internet so I won’t ask, but I do wish I could see a picture of the most beautiful child north, east, south and west of the Pecos. :slight_smile:

18

I love hugs but in some way they feel very intimate to me. I admit to really loving my personal space; I don’t even like to be touched unneccesarily.

It’s not like I will reject any offer at a hug or a touch, though. Sometimes I feel it’s necessary and sometimes I even appreciate it. It’s the aggressive hugger/toucher that we all don’t like. I never understood why some people, for example, feel the need to hug at every meeting/parting.

The thing is though, if I saw you hugged everyone, and you were respectful about it, then I’d not mind you hugging me once or twice. But every time you saw me? The only person I hug that much is my SO (and I hug him lots, every day, so I get all my hugs from him).

19

Do you really mean that you never realized some people don’t like being hugged? Wow. I am surprised. I would think you would have run into someone like me at some time: someone who would wither you with a glance if you tried to put an arm around them.

I also sometimes start coughing violently and “forget” to cover my mouth. Usually backs the hugger right up.

20

I’ve never encountered this.

ETA: It’s not like I run around hugging everyone, but I do hug friends upon occasion and no one has ever backed away or seemed to mind. I’m talking about a loose hug, pat on the back kinda thing, not a rib-crusher.