Advice needed on how to deal with an aquaintence who is overly familiar (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Let me set up the situation for you (get settled- this is going to be long!).

My husband plays in a LARP (live action role play) group. He has been involved for several years. He has a friend, well, an aquaintance really, who has also been involved in the group also for several years. I have gone out to play with my husband occasionally, but I’m not as into it as some people are. This friend is like a big goofy puppy dog, he’s big and loud, and well, kinda goofy.

And he’s started to annoy me and creep me out!

As I said, I go out to play every once in a while. The past few times I’ve been involved in cooking/serving of food, which means that I pretty much stay in the kitchen the whole time. One time recently, I noticed that it seemed like Friend was coming in to the kitchen a lot, he usually talks to me during an event anyway, “How ya doin, you having fun? Great food, etc.” and then he’d give me a hug.
But he kept popping in to chat, and then would end up giving me a hug. I mentioned it to my husband and said it made me a little uncomfortable. My husband said he would talk to Friend if I wanted, but I said no, don’t bother.

At the next event, I was playing the cook. He was playing several characters including the owner of the “inn” where the event was supposed to be happening. This gave him lots of reasons to come in to the kitchen and ask me had I seen this character or that one, and also have a quick chat and then hug me again! And it seemed to me almost like he couldn’t help himself and had to keep coming in and hugging me.

This was really starting to bother me. I told my husband again, and asked if he was hugging all over the other women that play. No, not really.

Don’t get me wrong, I like hugs and physical affection. When I see my friends, I hug them hello and goodbye. But I feel like I barely know this guy, and I don’t like it when people that I don’t really know that well act overly familiar with me. Plus, I was molested by my dad when I was a kid, so I have “issues” about personal space and boundaries, and I know that I can tend to be overly sensitive about things sometimes.

But I realised why this guy was bothering me so much- it was that he kindof reminded me of my dad!:eek: Not that I think this guy is a child molester or anything. But when I was talking to my husband about it I said, “To me it seems like he (friend) can’t control himself, like he has to keep coming over and hugging me, and that reminds me of how my dad was always at me.” And that REALLY creeped me out because I don’t think I was concious before, of that aspect of my father, and being around this guy reminded me of that!!

Another wrinkle is that several years ago, long before I met my husband, he (husband) was in a serious relationship with a player, and this friend decided that he was interested too, and asked the girl out. (She went out with the friend too, which is one reason that she’s not around any more!)
So I’m not sure if all the chatting and hugging and being overly-familiar is him trying to “come on” to me. As I said, he doesn’t seem to be really touchy-feely with any of the other women players.

I really don’t look forward to seeing this guy again because I know he will keep coming around me. I don’t mind a greeting hug, but that’s all I want. Plus, now I am pregnant, and I’m a little worried that this guy is going to keep putting his hands all over my belly and asking how the baby is!

Like I said, I know I can be overly sensitive about some things sometimes. I have read too much into things before. But what’s important to me is that I don’t like what this guy does, and it bothers me for several reasons, and I want it to stop! My husband has offered to talk to him, but I feel like I need to be the one to say something to him.

The only problem is I don’t know what to say or how to say it! I don’t want to hurt his feelings or insult him, but I want to be clear about the fact that while I dont’ mind a greeting hug I don’t want him to be hugging all over me constantly! I don’t know whether to say something in a humorous way or what. Please help and give me some advice! Thank you!

2

Stop being an uber weenie. Stuff like this gets out of control precisely because people are too accommodating and don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. He knows perfectly well what he’s doing. Next time he closes in for the hug just put up your hand and say in a firm voice.

1: Sorry, I’m all hugged out

2: Sorry, one to customer

3: XXX I like you but one hug is enough.

If no hugs are desired just put up your hand when he closes for the hug, grab his hand and shake it. If he protests just tell him you’re all hugged out, clap him on the shoulder and send him off with a smile on your lips. No means no. Didn’t your mother teach you how to deal with pesty men?

3

Hmm. I have some of the same problems with guys that think they can hug you. I’m in a bowling alley a lot, and it’s always a greeting hug, but it gets to me, too. Especially the chest rubbing hug! Like I don’t know what they are doing!

Anyway, as far as your problem goes, I don’t think humor will work. I think he is attracted to and/or has a crush on you, and he probably won’t want to take any subtle hints. I think you’ll just have to be honest with him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable for acquaintances to take such liberties. You can laugh it off that it’s your problem, and that you don’t mean to hurt his feelings, that he probably came from a touchy-feely kind of family - but you didn’t. He should back off then. If not, call in your husband!

4

I always say something like “You are not allowed to touch me.”
That might be a bit more insulting then you are looking for.

If you don’t want to be insulting you could try dodging his hugs. Be busy doing something, or have something in your hands when he comes around. Move out of the way when he comes towards you. Say you have a little bit of a cold and don’t want to get too close and spread your germs. If you dodge him awhile he might get the idea on his own with out you ever having to come out and say anything.

5

Thank you for the advice!
Actually, Astro, no, my mother didn’t teach me much of anything- she was too busy living her own life to be bothered with raising her children- she only acted like a mom when she felt like it. But I like a couple of your suggestions on what to say.

I agree with Dolores and In, I’m wondering if maybe the guy has a crush on me and is doing all the attention/hugging to see how I’ll respond, i.e. am I interested in him?

I have tried the “Being too busy” dodge at one of the events, I tried to always be checking things in the oven or happened to be holding a large cooking utensil, but the thing was, he just KEPT COMING BACK!

He knows that I have had a lot of trouble in my pregnancy with nausea & vomiting- maybe if he tries to start hugging on me I can say, “No hugs right now, I’m feeling queasy!” and that will work.

6

I don’t think this guy will respond to subtlety, and I think you’re right that you need to be the one who says something, and that you must make it crystal clear. I suggest that you say the following the next time he come at you:

“[Friend,] don’t get me wrong, I like hugs and physical affection. When I see my friends, I hug them hello and goodbye. But I feel like I barely know you, and I don’t like it when people that I don’t really know that well act overly familiar with me. I don’t mind a greeting hug, but I don’t want you to be hugging all over me constantly!”

Accompany this with the appropraite physical actions: removing his hands, backing away, etc. If he argues/protests, use the broken record technique: “I don’t like you hugging me all the time, and you have to stop.” If you have to repeat yourself more than once or twice, perhaps it’s time to get someone else, preferably big and bulky, to intervene. You have to make him understand that No means NO, and he MUST stop it!

7

Scarlett, I think you’re right. The more I think about it, the more I think that instead of trying to dodge him or make jokes, I need to be up front and blunt. Because he is kindof a goof, and I don’t think subletly will work on him.
It’s just hard because sometimes I tend to be “too nice”. And I think I was kindof convincing myself that I was over-reacting because of my past. But it bothers me, and that’s the important thing, and I need to take care of myself!

8

The words are “GET OFF ME! Honestly, you hug me too damn much. Cut it out, would ya” - and take his arms off you. It’s just being clear about things, which is important.

9

Moggy, you need to set boundaries and stick to 'em. Nip this in the bud.

I had a similar acquaintance who was also socially “awkward.” Though his intentions really were harmless, his behaviour graduated and he became a big nuisance and ended up being entirely too creepy.

He mistook “politeness” for “permission” and he would often encroach on personal space way too much! He never made any sexual advances, but he created an uncomfortable atmosphere. He also graduated on to inappropriately expensive gifts for Christmas and B-days (he was just an acquaintance after all), and popping by unexpectedly to visit at socially unacceptable hours.

He didn’t start out as a stalker, because he wasn’t “obsessed” he was just very, very poorly socialized. When he finally got too annoying we set definitive boundaries with respect to his behaviour and explained as gently as possible, why we didn’t feel comfortable with the way he expressed his friendship and friend-affection.

Then he turned into a nuisance stalker, because he didn’t understand where this “rejection” was coming from. He was non-threatening and never did we feel that our personal safety was in jeopardy, but man, oh, man! Did he ever turn into a needy, NEEDY person. He remained respectful of the boundaries we discussed, but his unacceptable behaviour simply manifested itself in new ways that were definitely stalker-like and eventually we had to tell him to “go away, never contact us again!”

He never has contacted us again.

If you don’t catch it early, it can keep growing. Our acquaintance didn’t mean to be such a boob, but he was too poorly socialized.

Trust your gut. Even if you think your life history may be creating some bias, your gut feeling is still telling you something. Listen to your gut.

10

You could rearrange his face until he becomes less familiar :smiley:

11

I recommend that you do NOT say this. His reaction will be “I’m not your friend?” :frowning: Then he will probably start bugging you about “Are we friends yet?”

If you are up to it, I recommend a brute force method.

"I’m sorry, but I need you to stop hugging me. (My father molested me and) it bothers me to have people hugging me. I hug some people, but they know to let me have control over when we hug. "

This tells him that he is not supposed to hug you until <i>you</i> choose an appropriate time. If you feel up to revealing your past to him, it also gives you an inarguable reason for your preferences, although you should be able to set your boundaries without a reason behind them.

Frankly, if the subtle approach was going to work, you wouldn’t be having this problem. People with adequate social skills recognize when they are hugging someone who is not a willing recipient and they back off.

12

I don’t think that he would become stalker-like. I think that he has poor social skills, as a few people have mentioned. And that part of it is just the way he is- this is how he greets my husband:
“HEEEEY!! HOW YA DOIN BIG GUY!! GREAT TA SEEYA!!” <strong handshake followed by a hug with plenty of backslapping>
So he thinks that everyone will be comfortable with his method of greeting people. Interestingly, his son, who is pre-k age, has absolutely NO sense of personal space- gee, I wonder where he gets it from?

Zyada, I have thought about telling him about my past, but I just don’t know if I would feel comfortable doing that. I think I will try what Astro suggested, if he goes to hug me, shake his hand instead, and if he tries further say something like, “I’m all hugged out right now, dude.” Or maybe what Tansu suggested. I know that they are subtle, but I feel like they are not too subtle, and maybe if I do it every single time he’ll get the idea.

Of course, at one of the events, when he kept coming in and chatting with me, I really wanted to say, “Look, I’m trying to work here, could you just leave me alone, I told you 10 minutes ago that I was having fun and it’s nice that you’re glad to see me, but
I can’t stop what I’m doing to chat with you and get hugs every time you come in here. So GO AWAY!” I should have said it, but I was “trying to be nice” and hadn’t quite put my finger on why it was bothering me.

Perhaps at the next event that I am at, I can say all that to him, especially since it is frowned on for players to be “out of character”, and there have been complaints recently that some people are slipping in and out of character too much. Plus, I can make a character who is Diva-esque and who walks around saying “Don’t touch me!” Now that would be fun!

13

I would never divulge such information to someone who didn’t have any sense of my personal space or comfort level.

Telling him to respect personal pace is all that should be necessary, unless he’s a total boob.

Our acquaintance really, genuinely was harmless (in his intentions), for a very long time. He was in the periphery of our social circle for a few years. But his social ineptitude eventually became a serious problem and was a nuisance for a few more years.

Example/ Popping by to visit very early on a Sunday morning (like, 7a.m.) Of course we didn’t answer the door bell when he rang. So he rang again, and again, and again, and again. Most people would realize that:
a) Showing up unexpectedly on a sleep-in day, is unwise.
b) After ringing the bell for 15 minutes, if we did finally answer the door, we certainly wouldn’t be happy to see him

Honestly though, it never occured to him that it might socially ill-advised to show up.

That’s why I had to clarify that he wasn’t a “true stalker” just an adult who had seriously misguided and very naive social skills (like that of a small child who is simply unaware of basic social conventions).

Moggy I should have been more clear when I stated that it’s simply a matter of nipping it in the bud. I didn’t mean to imply your “friend” would become such a similar, stalker-like nuisance. I just meant that when someone becomes ovelry familiar, it becomes more and more difficult to step back, the longer the behaviour continues. Kind of like with children. Once you let them stay up regularly until 9:00, it’s hard to change bedtime back to 8:30.

He could become unwittingly creepier as he becomes more comfortable with what he mistakenly thinks are the boundaries of your personal space. Those unfamiliar with run-of-the-mill social conventions have more than one faux pas up their sleeve. That’s why you need to trust your gut and set the guy straight ASAP.

14

Be direct. Be honest. Don’t try to just avoid the situation and hint, that doesn’t work. Tell him that all the hugging is a little too much for social friends and it bothers you. I would suggest not doing it in character, at least the first time, or it’s possible he won’t realize you mean it for real. Be clear, and make sure that you are comfortable with the amount of contact and attention.

15

Had a colleague who had little respect for personal space and is a really touchy/huggy person, to the extent that I’m uncomfortable with it. My birthday came around, and he loomed up in front of me and said “I’m going to give you a big birthday kiss.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”
Him, taking it as a joke, even though I wasn’t smiling: “Oh yes I am.”
Me: “No. You’re. Not.”
Him, comprehending: “Okay. Happy birthday.”

No hard feelings in part because he now knows very clearly where the line is with me and hasn’t stepped over it since, partly because I was able to do this when nobody else was around. I got to make my point without embarrassing him in front of any other colleagues.

There are only two women in the office he no longer tries this stuff with: we’re also the only two who’ve clearly (not rudely) put our foot down and said, “No.” Everyone else in the office who suffers in silence continues to suffer.

16

I grew up in Connecticut, and was surprised to find, upon moving to the West Coast, that people there were really comfortable with smaller “force fields” around their personal space. I wasn’t. I often found myself backing up during conversations. And the hugginess and kissiness made me really uncomfortable.
Shoot, I’d visit my family after absences of several months, and we’d hug when I got there and hug when I left.
But my western in-laws’ relatives, who I didn’t know well, would visit them – and every time I came over, hug, hug, hug. I mean, they could be visiting for a week, and if I came over every day, hugs at arrival and leaving. Aaaagggghhhh!
It wasn’t insincere – it was just their way. And I never got comfy with it. It actually made me want to avoid visits – yes, I know, that’s a failing on my part.
Anyway, maybe explaining to him that you grew up with different boundaries than he did would help. (I know, you say he doesn’t hug other people much – but maybe he would understand your asking him to back off, without being offended?)

17

Dump cups of soda on him by “accident”, until he stops.

This is a guy in rut, & as a guy I can tell you that he utterly oblivious to every subtle hint you give him. He’s probably interpeting them as “maybe”.

Be blunt. Tell you husband to get this guy to “cool off or else”. Your hubby will probably feel all macho for days afterwards. :slight_smile:

18

Thanks for all the replies. I meant to hang around longer but the computer was being reeeaallly slllloooooooow and driving me bananas, so I logged off.
After thinking about the situation last night and then reading the rest of the replies, I have to say Bosda, I think you are absolutely right. I haven’t been “actively encouraging” this guy but I haven’t been actively discouraging him either.
I’m thinking that maybe he does have a crush on me and is doing all the hugging to try and figure out if I am interested in him too. (insert vomiting smiley here) In which case, I need to be very firm with him. And I probably was encouraging him to continue his behavior by “being nice” and just letting it continue.
As Bosda said, I know some guys can be clueless about hints and subtlety, so I’m just going to have to hit him over the head with a verbal clue-by-four, and tell him, “Look, enough with the hugging. I don’t like that you keep coming up to me and are always trying to hug on me, and I want it to stop. I will give you a hug hello but that’s it. Leave me alone.”
That’s to the point, doesn’t tell him any private information, and tells him what I want. If he ignores what I say and continues, then I call in my husband (who is a tall guy) and some of the other players, many of whom are big and tall, and who would probably “come to my defense” if needed.
Thanks everyone!

19

I agree with the others who say that being up-front and firm is the best approach. People like this pursue their objectives until explicitly told to stop, and will – whether consciously or unconsciously – ignore and/or misinterpret “subtle” hints.

That being said, if you decide you’re not comfortable getting in the guy’s face and telling him to back off, here’s a passive-aggressive alternative: Get a hold of a cervical collar. “No, no hugs, it’ll aggravate my injury.”

Oh, and regarding this:

I have a vague memory of a video I saw way back in college, in psychology or something. It was an overhead view of a convention center in Tokyo (I think), where a bunch of Americans was coming in to participate in a seminar. The idea was to show the difference between American and Asian standards of personal space, and focused on the times when the convention-goers were just milling around (as opposed to sitting in rows listening to a speaker). When the tape switched to a fast-forward mode, you could watch the Americans backing up all over the floor, either singly or in small clumps, while their Japanese compatriots chased them around. It was pretty funny. Can anyone offer any additional details to fill out my spotty memory?

20

I’ve gotten to the point in my life were I just say, “I can see that you’re a toucher. I’m not. And I’ve been known to punch people who touch me when I’m not expecting it.” And I definitely step back when people get too close. I’m sorry if I hurt their feelings, but I have my space and I don’t want it invaded. You have the right to state your problem without feeling guilty and without making him feel guilty. Each person is different, and those differences should be respected.

StG