Some people have loose personal boundaries and some have tight ones. This thread isn’t about bashing anyone. I just want to hear different perspectives. I feel like I need to say this so that no one feels uncomfortable being honest.
I define a person who is “touchy-feely” as someone who casually touches people to establish rapport with them. They are quick to hug or drape their over other people’s shoulders. They may tap somene on the arm to get their attention or ruffle someone’s hair when they are in a playful mood. They aren’t afraid to touch or be touched. They may not even be aware they are touching people, that’s how natural it is to them.
If you fit this description, I’m curious if you’ve ever experienced someone reacting negatively to your touchiness. If so, how did it make you feel? How did it go down?
For people who consider themselves the opposite of “touchy feely”: Have you ever told someone to back off? What happened when you did?
I’m touchy-feely with friends only. I say this because my touchy-feelyness has been misconstrued in the past and it makes me wary with whom I touch now.
But I’ve been pushed away, been the recipient of grumpy words and have had people tell me it’s uncomfortable. I immediately reassess the boundaries if any of these occur and try my best to give them the space they want. It hurts my feelings, I won’t lie. But I would rather respect someone else’s wishes than impose myself on them.
I tend to be a fairly touchy guy, with women and men alike (albeit more so and more easily with women). However, (I think) I’m pretty alert to situation and body language. I don’t think anyone has ever had to tell me to back off, because even just a flinch or tiny bit of recoiling is enough to make me feel like a complete asshole.
I’m discounting any instances that seemed to be men who think they should be able to touch women simply because they want to - workplace harassment and such.
I had a friend once who refused to stop doing things that got into my personal space (jumping on my back, touching my head, grabbing my arm, etc). They seemed to have absolutely no clue how obnoxious they were being even when told straight to their face, because it was all “fun and games” to them.
They are no longer my friend. I don’t think they ever realized why I burned that bridge.
However, I have no problem with friends sitting in my lap. Most of my friends can sit in my lap all day if they want. I don’t know why I’m ok with that. (Something something butts can’t grab and hold stuff but hands can??)
I’m kind of huggy, and can sometimes be oblivious to other people’s body english, but have never been told to back off by any of my touchy-feely feelees. My wife/best friend has my back and will occasionally tell me to dial it back a little. Needless to say I’m always mortified when that happens.
I used to be touchy-feely, but I lost that somewhere along the way. No idea why. When I was, I could tell who’d be receptive and who wouldn’t. No one ever had to tell me to back off.
In in my close relationships I am very affectionate, but outside of that I just don’t have much of a desire to touch people and sometimes I freeze when touched- like if it’s a coworker or friend-of-a-friend or something. It’s funny though, because I can see sometimes people go to hug me, and decide otherwise- when I’d be alright with the hug. I guess I put off a mixed signal.
My son is a very touchy feely sort. I have had to explain to him that it’s not cool to fling your arms around the waist of, say, the adult male friends of his uncles, after meeting them for the first time.
He doesn’t seem to be especially hurt by this, but it does seem to take the wind out of his sails a little bit. I sometimes imagine that his urges stem from a swelling feeling of affection for the person, which he has not figured out how to contain. In the past, I have told him that a big bright smile can feel just as nice as a hug. As he gets older, I hope he dials it down some more.
ETA: I just re-read the OP and I think it speaks to a more natural, casual type of touchingness than I was talking about actually. I have a brother who is that way, and I have never seen it bother anyone.
I’m the archetypal reserved Canadian, but I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone to back off. I just endure their hugs and touching me with quiet stoicism.
I have had to tell a friend/co-worker to back off before. It didn’t go over well at first, it definitely hurt her feelings, but as the day went on, she kinda came around, and realized it wasn’t a "think between her and me, it was just that our thoughts on boundaries were different, and we needed to find a happy medium
I don’t have to tell people to back often, my wife says I have the aura of a porcupine and people tend to stay away. I don’t feel comfortable touching other people either, anything more than a tap on the shoulder seems too intimate.
I have one particular spot on my back that I absolutely despise having touched, right between the shoulder blades. I don’t know what it is, but being touched in that one spot sets off this exquisitely uncomfortable tickling, twitchy sensation that I will do almost anything to get away from, including smacking someone. Fortunately, it’s pretty small, but one touchy-feely friend managed to trigger it one day. I whirled on her instantly and yelled “STOP IT! I HATE THAT!” right in her face. Pretty unambiguous, and she got the message and backed off immediately. It was a little awkward for a few minutes, but we moved on and are still good friends. But she never touched my back again.
I’ve embarrassed myself on numerous occasions hugging someone who had rather I didn’t. I step back and respect their space. There’s a verbal version of this, as well, usually called TMI;)
My first cousin, who has always been more like a sister to me, recently told my wife in confidence that she “doesn’t like being touched.”
This surprised me greatly. I’ve been greeting her with a hug for decades, and now I’m not sure what to do.
FWIW, my parents divorced when I was quite young. My mom’s family and my dad’s family (he remarried and gave me three wonderful half-siblings) could hardly be more different. My dad’s side has always been extremely touchy-feely; my mom’s side considerably less so.
Both sides have many wonderful qualities that I benefited from, but I’m glad my dad’s influence was stronger in the touchy-feely department. I’ve never had any problem with it.
I prefer NOT to be touched. You have to be either a relative or a very close/old friend for me to be comfortable with that (usually about 10 years of friendship seems to make someone “eligible” for that status, though it does not guarantee it).
Usually what happens is someone is all hugs/touches and I step back, tell them I appreciate the friendly gestures, but I prefer not to be touched outside of the family and very close friends. MOST people are cool with it. It’s pretty rare anyone keeps on with the touchy-feely stuff. If they simply can’t get the message I’ll cut them off/be more assertive, but it’s really rare it comes to that.
Of course, part of that is NOT getting super-defensive and making it clear I understand they’re just being friendly. Mostly, it’s hugs, kissing, and stuff like that, shaking hands/clasping hands/fist bumps are OK with me, it’s like my hands are public but the rest of me is private.
Considering you shouldn’t have heard this at all, since the admission was made “in confidence,” I’m afraid that the dilemma seems kind of your own making from here.
I’m a native Southern and we tend to be pretty touchy feely, though I was never really aware of it until I went to graduate school in New York. My advisor was also a native Southerner and he would touch me on the shoulder occasionally. Again, I never noticed until one day when all three of my native New Yorker lab mates cornered me and asked me if it bothered me that he touched me. You’d have thought he was doing something totally inappropriate, not just touching my shoulder. I told them it didn’t bother me, but took note that I shouldn’t touch them. After that, I became acutely aware of how rarely people touched me in New York. It made me a bit sad, for me and for them, but I honored their choice.
Now, I’m back in the South. In general, I think people touch each other less frequently these days. I notice every time it happens and smile. So, would I get offended? No. But it does make me sad for what you are missing.
