Today, early this morning, a coworker walked passed my office door way and saw me lifting a small hand weight. He stepped into my office and reached over to squeeze my forearm and rapidly something in me broke through and I said (loudly, but not yelling) “Don’t touch me”. Maybe if it hadn’t been so early in the morning, I would have “allowed” the gratiutous touch. Or at least I would have said “please”. But I hadn’t had my caffeine yet, so I was operating in “asocial” mode. He jerked back and for the next few minutes, our conversation was really really awkward.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong. This is just the first time I defended my personal space with this guy, who is always touching me without my permission. It would be one thing if he were trying to graze my arm through my sleeve. But I had on a short sleeve shirt and he was going in for a squeeze. No way that I could let that go.
But now I feel crappy. I caught him giving my sidelong glances today in the breakroom, and he didn’t do the idle chitchat thing like he normally does at least once a day. I don’t want him to be my BFF or anything, but I don’t want it to be weird either.
Help me get over the emotions, please!
I post this also as a public service. He isn’t a bad guy at all. He’s really sweet, maybe just a little socially awkward. He just never knew that his past touching was unwanted. Because I never said anything. If you have looser than “typical” personal space boundaries, please consider the possibility that people really do mind when you touch them, but they just don’t have the guts to say so. Tread carefully.
It might help both of you if you are able to pull him aside at some point (sooner rather than later, before it stretches on too long) and explain a little bit why your behavior seemed different than before. Obviously, you know that your feelings about it have been consistent, but he doesn’t. And since you judge him to be a decent guy without ill-intent, it will probably serve both of you well to be on the same page going forward.
IMHO, you DID do something wrong. It’s super minor in the scheme of things, but you broke part of the social contract inherent in a congenial coworker relationship. It could probably be defined like this: “Congenial coworkers may have infrequent friendly physical contact.”
As you note, some people don’t like this contact - some do. This is a nice article about the topic of touch in the workplace.
That’s why you feel bad. I’d also recommend a direct polite conversation, something along the lines of, “Hey, Bob, sorry for snapping at you this morning, I’m just uncomfortable having my personal space broached at work, and you caught me off guard. It’s nothing personal.” Smile, done.
If you’ve never before given him any indication that his touching is unwelcome, he had no way of knowing he was doing anything wrong, and it was unfair of you to be curt and snappish toward him for doing something he had no reason to know bothered you.
That is not really typical human social behavior. Usually to show someone that a touch is unwanted you move away instead of snapping at them. It is not really “wrong” but it will make things awkward.
It would have been salvaged if you had said, “Hah, sorry, sometimes I react reflexively in the morning”.
People touch me all the time and it doesn’t bug me. Why? Because they touch, they don’t grope. They touch me in ways that are congenial, not “overly familiar”. This guy gropes. His touches are “overly familiar”. IMHO, he broke the social contract that says “you don’t touch people in gropey, overly familiar ways, especially when you are of opposite genders”. I’ve just haven’t said anything about it until now.
Like I said, there’s touching, and then there’s touching. I’ve never squeezed a coworker’s forearm before, and no one else that I work with does either. Because that’s an overly familiar gesture. Something friends would do, but not workplace acquaintances.
No, I feel bad because for the past year, his touching has gotten more and more inappropriate but I’ve never said anything, for fear of being accused of “breaking the social contract”. I feel bad because I’m a wuss and because I don’t know how not to feel weird over shit like this.
I never see him touching the guys like he touches me. I have a feeling it ain’t because they are just more assertive.
You didn’t do anything wrong – this guy was behaving serially inappropriately (in a relatively minor way), and you called him on it. A sharp (again, in a small way) lesson might have been what’s necessary for him to learn that his behavior was inappropriate.
His feelings might be raw, but wake up calls usually sting. You just gave him one that was long overdue. So now he’ll probably think twice before he gets all touchey-grabby with someone else. If you hadn’t snapped at him and instead handled it in a playful manner, he might’ve just walked away thinking you’re just an exceptional case and his behavior isn’t that big of a deal. You’ve given him some unpleasant food for thought: that he has been too familiar with lots of people and they’ve just been bottling up their reactions.
I wouldn’t want to be squeezed like that either, so don’t felt guilty for disliking that.
Completely agree with this. It’s not you fault that you finally worked up the courage to say something. And while you might feel awkward around him for a bit, it’ll pass and hey, now he won’t touch you anymore!
This is new information, that he’s been overly touchy before, and it does change my advice. He is the one breaking the social contract, for sure.
I’d still recommend a direct conversation, but more like, “Bob, sorry if I was rude this morning, but I’ve been increasingly uneasy with the level of physical contact you initiate with me. It’s unprofessional and makes me uncomfortable.”
Bit awkward to say, but maybe better than feeling weird?
And this is the first time I’ve stumbled upon a thread started by “the greatest Doper of all.”
You didn’t mention this guy’s (approximate) age but you did mention that he’s maybe a little socially awkward. In truth, I could TOTALLY see this happening to me as a younger man (in fact it might very well have). To me, the fact that you didn’t let him know, right away, that you didn’t welcome his form of touching was the mistake in all this, if there was a mistake at all. Having typed that, I can also totally see why kind people don’t want to come down on others too hard, even when they’re doing something objectionable.
I’m with the other contributors: try to take him aside (and the sooner the better) to try to “soften the blow” a little bit by explaining to him what the other people think you should explain to him. Hopefully he’ll understand and things between you two will go smoothly after that. Good luck!
Say nothing. Do NOT diminish or explain away, or trivialize what you did. There is no need, and it won’t matter. Just continue merrily on as though it did not occur.
Under no circumstance remark on any equivocation or commentary from him. You don’t owe him a come back, just let it lie, should it come up. But it won’t. Guy’s a weasel, and he knows you’re wise to his game.
I’m pretty sure message sent, (righteously!), and message received, embarrassedly no doubt. Mission accomplished. No further action or reaction required at this time.
He’s going to lay low, keep his head down and pray you let it pass, I’d wager. Because that’s how handsy weasels always roll.
Yeah, I have to agree with this. The reason the OP feels embarrassed is because he overreacted. An appropriate response would have been to back away and say “excuse me”. Not “AAHHHH! DON’T TOUCH ME!!”
I was going to take your co-worker’s side until I learned that you’re a woman. I would never snap at a guy who touches me at work (unless I learn he fancies me sexually), but the rules completely change when the subject is a woman. You’re not supposed to start touching women like that for any reason, unless they decide to add this layer to the friendship or the professional relationship, and even then you should tread very carefully. Women are different when it comes to their level of acceptance of casual physical jokes or quick shoulder rubs or the like at work or anywhere else, and this is for obvious reasons that have to do with being a woman and sexual appeal and that sort of stuff. Women are legitimately protective of their bodies and personal space.
Take me for an example: I have been friends and close friends with scores of women over the years, and some of them often initiated playful physical contact, but I never responded to that or added it to the way I deal with them. Since I am a man, my law is: If you’re a female friend/co-worker and you want to joke with me physically or give me random shoulder rubs, go ahead, but there isn’t going to be any reciprocation.
You admitted you felt you did something wrong in the very first post. You said you snapped at him, which you felt the need to excuse. If you feel the need to excuse something, that means you felt it was wrong.
Plus, if he’s been touching you in ways you feel are inappropriate, then you probably feel guilty for not telling him before, leading him to believe that his actions were not bothering you. That probably has more to do with why you snapped at him. Your discomfort had been building, and you hadn’t dealt with it. So he does it when you are at a weak moment, and you react in a way you wish you wouldn’t have.
It’s not as if there are any bright unmovable lines here. What touching is acceptable differs with individuals and situations. If you’ve never brought this up before, it’s reasonable for him to think his action was okay. (Especially if you haven’t been doing the social norm of slightly jumping away when they do so–though, even if you have, some guys are clueless about hints.)
I mean, I have male friends who will grab my arm like that if I’ve been flexing it, despite being otherwise completely hands off, even avoiding the “bro hug.” He likely didn’t see this as being as intimate as you do.
Don’t get me wrong. Your sentiment was perfectly okay. You have every right to decide what is and is not an acceptable level of touching. His touchy-feely nature doesn’t in any way override yours. You just don’t like how communicated your displeasure, and feel that it may have hurt the guy’s feelings more than necessary to accomplish your goal of getting him to stop touching you.
A simple “I’m sorry I snapped, but I’m really not that touchy-feely of a person” would probably completely alleviate the guilt you are feeling, as it would resolve both issues. Yes, it’s an oversimplification, but that’s okay. The message is clear that even his past touches weren’t acceptable.
If you had previously asked him not to touch you, yet he continued to touch you, I could understand your response. But you have allowed him to touch you in the past, and not let him know that it makes you feel uncomfortable, so from his point of view, your reaction was unexpected and I can understand him feeling hurt by your reaction.
That’s probably why you’re feeling embarrassed too. You now realise you should have told him earlier and you know your reaction was strong.
If you’re not comfortable going to talk to him, perhaps send an email along the lines of ‘Hey, sorry for my abruptness yesterday. I’m really not comfortable being touched by colleagues and I should have let you know sooner.’
Yeah, and that belief that I did wrong is wrong, IMHO. The reason it felt wrong is because 1) it’s uncharacteristic of me to react that way and 2) we–especially women–are told that we shouldn’t “snap” at people, even when they deserve it. If he’d been going in to grope a guy, the guy probably would have reacted by swinging out his arm reflexively. Or he probably would have yelled. And it would be understood by all that you just don’t touch guys like that. But women are expected to be understanding and tolerant of such breeches of conduct, because how was he supposed to know that I didn’t want him abruptly stepping into my office and touching my bare bicep when I was barely awake?
There really isn’t a way to tell someone not to touch you without it being weird, though. I don’t think I’d be feeling all that better if instead of saying “Don’t touch me”, I had said, “Bob, I don’t like when you touch me like that. Please don’t do that again, okay?” Neither conversation is something people enjoy having.
But my body language has always communicated that I don’t like those touches. For one thing, I NEVER reciprocate. I’ve never touched him. I don’t giggle and laugh when he touches me. I’ve even jerked away from him. This is just the first time I’ve verbalized my displeasure, but I know I have left a lot of clues.
The secretary told me he’s got a crush on me, which is weird because he’s old enough to be my father. Keeping this in mind, I always try to keep things “light” with him. I don’t tell him my business, I don’t ask him a lot of personal questions. I keep things professional with him, without telling him “I’m keeping things professional with you”.
Um, BigT? They are your friends. This is a coworker, one that I’m not friends with. I have a couple of female coworker friends. I could see one of them doing something like this, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Probably because 1) we are familiar with one another, 2) there’s no sexuality issues between us, and 3) it would be their first time touching me like that. None of those things are in play here.
No, I feel weird because being assertive like this is not “normal”. It is not everyday when you hear someone saying “Don’t touch me”, and it’s not every day when a person is told that, either. If he touches me again, I would do it again and do it just the same way.
I don’t think a follow up email is necessary, unless it’s very important to you to be friends (or non-awkwardly friendly) with him. Sharp lessons can be appropriate.
