Some of us feel discomfort after/because of having made other people uncomfortable. It’s a pain in the ass, because it makes it difficult to call other people on their mistakes and transgressions, even in a courteous manner, even when it’s totally warranted (which appears to be the case here).
In the present case, this fellow has been tone-deaf to all of the cues that a more perceptive person would respond to:
He needed an overt rebuke to get his attention, but it’s quite likely that even a very courteous, diplomatic effort would have left him feeling awkward - and also would have left you feeling awkward. I suspect an apology from you at this point (for snapping at him instead of gently cluing him in) would leave you feeling no less awkward.
A tone-deaf gentleman would make the effort to apologize at this point, but since you haven’t mentioned that happening, it appears he’s too focused on his own embarrassment to acknowledge to you that he was out of line for making you uncomfortable in the first place. IOW, he’s a tone-deaf man-child.
As for your own feelings of embarrassment, I think it’s going to take some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome that. I’m not suggesting professional treatment, but I think that hammering your own mind over and over again with the logical facts of what happened may help to make the emotion, which doesn’t jibe with logic, fade over time.
All day yesterday I kept imagining what my therapist’s reaction would be if I told her this story. She does cognitive behavior therapy. All I can hear her saying is, “Good for you for standing up for yourself! Pat yourself on the back!” I know that if she had been in my shoes, she woud have said something a lot firmer than “Don’t touch me”.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t like touching in the workplace. IMO, the “touch” he did could conceivably be seen as inappropriate and reported to HR. Someone should clue the guy in.
Back when I was young and cute, I worked with a slightly creepy guy who liked to come around and give shoulder rubs to (attractive) women. It seriously freaked me out, but I was not yet able to verbalize directly that he should stop that behavior (one has to learn that).
One time he came up to me and started rubbing my shoulders. I didn’t hear him approach and it started me, so I let out a yelp. (Followed by an explanation that I don’t like to be startled.) He stopped the shoulder rubs, at least with me.
“Don’t touch people at work*” is normally a good rule of thumb. HR should just print that in the handbook.
*unless a) someone needs and you’re administering CPR or first aid, or b) you’re a doctor, physical therapist, nurse, hairdresser, massage therapist, etc. And then only touch clients/patients.
You need to immediately document what has happened and the past incidents. Then you need to talk to him about it and tell him that you do not want him to touch you anywhere anymore. Don’t go down any conversational rabbit holes, don’t debate it with him. Just tell him and go. “Bob, it makes me uncomfortable when you touch me, and I don’t want you to do it anymore.” That’s all you need to say.
Then you need to document that conversation and email it to yourself.
If it happens after that, you need to talk to your manager, because at that point he ***officially ***moves from clueless guy to jerk.
There is NO reason to put up with this.
This is sexual harassment. But only if you tell him.
You definitely did nothing wrong. No one has the right to grope you like that, especially at work. That said, it sounds like this guy is rather clueless and well meaning. For the sake of the work environment, I would pull him aside and say something like, “I am sorry if you thought I over reacted, but it startled me when you touched my arm. Can we just forget about it”? Hopefully he will get the message and knock it off. If he doesn’t knock it off, I would start documenting it.
Yes, his first act of rudeness was to waltz into your office uninvited. His second act was to enter your personal space with the intent to touch you.
Snapping was a natural response to his intrusive behavior.
You could smooth things over with him by explaining why his actions bothered you, but don’t apologize for simply being sharp and direct with him. The impulse to apologize is the same impulse that kept you from speaking up sooner. I suggest putting the incident behind you. Give it a week or so and then try out some small talk with him in the break room. The tension will pass, I promise.
I’m having a similar issue, btw. A friend of mine, when excited about a point she’s making in conversation, has this habit of poking me. And I can’t stand to be poked by anyone. Not even my favorite cat could do that without spiking my blood pressure. It’s definitely a quirk of mine, but I’m lousy at speaking up when someone unintentionally presses my buttons this way. I keep telling myself to do this with my friend, but the thing that has kept me from doing is fear of hurting her feelings.
I don’t think the OP did anything terrible, particularly if this guy has a habit of inappropriate touching. I would recommend a conversation in which the OP explains that she was startled but also that she isn’t comfortable being touched that way in the workplace.
But this part stood out to me:
This is a pet peeve of mine. Lack of caffeine is no excuse to behave rudely in the workplace.
You did nothing wrong. That being said, I have totally, totally been in your position - knowing I did right but still feeling guilty about it. Sometimes, though, the snapping does clear the air a little bit.
I wouldn’t really address it unless he does. If he does, then you can say, “Sorry, I’m a bit aggressive in the morning” but he really doesn’t have any right to squeeze you.
Men shouldn’t just go around touching women at the office. It’s especially weird when it’s a case where we never touch them. I have never touched a man at the office beyond a handshake, but they think it’s OK to touch us?
There is nothing wrong with snapping at someone who oversteps personal boundaries.
The issue then is what to do after that.
This depends on your own analysis of him.
Is he, as some posters have stated, a “weasel” who is abusing good-comeradeship in the office to cop a feel? Then let it lie. Indeed, if he tries anything like it again, snap at him double, or complain about harassment.
OTOH, I get the impression from your posts that you think he isn’t like that - that he’s just clueless, and went too far unmaliciously. Indeed, without being best buds with him, you don’t actively dislike him.
Assuming that’s the case, to repair your own workplace atmosphere, it may be a good idea to have a little talk with him and explain that you just don’t want to be touched without your say-so, but that you aren’t angry with him or think he’s a bad guy. Because I would be surprised if right now he’s not worried that you think he’s an asshole. Of course, that’s not a problem if you really do think he is.
You’re feeling guilty because you’re a woman and you’ve been socialised to believe that putting your foot down about inappropriate behaviour is making an unwarranted fuss/being a bitch/getting hysterical over nothing/breaking the social contract/etc etc etc. If you put your foot down the first time a guy touches you inappropriately, then you’re making a mountain out of a molehill; if you wait till a pattern builds up, then you’re being unfair to the poor guy by leading him to think that it’s OK and then pulling the rug out from under him.
The fact is, you’re never under any obligation to accept someone touching you when you don’t want them to. I’d prefer to be firm about it, rather than sharp - but if this guy failed to take your previous hints of jerking away from him, then it was perfectly appropriate for you to be sharp about telling him to knock it off.
Some people are suggesting you follow up on this by apologising to the guy or explaining yourself. I totally don’t get that. You said exactly what you wanted to say. Why the hell would you want to apologise? For him touching you, or for not wanting him to touch you? And why the hell would you want to soften the message ‘Don’t touch me’?
From my perspective, it isn’t a moral issue, or that the OP should apologize for doing anything wrong. Of course the OP has every right to be pissed if someone oversteps boundaries. The issue of “explaining” is purely a practical one. She has to live in the office with this guy she has told us she otherwise likes. How does she want their relationship to be going forward?
I assume she wants to end in a place where (1) he no longer touches inappropriately, and (2) they remain friendly.
If those assumptions are correct, it sorta makes sense to communicate. Not to “apologize”, but simply to state the message - that she doesn’t want touching in the future but that she doesn’t think he’s an asshole.
Of course if I’m wrong about that, and she wants their relations to be less-friendly in the future, because he’s kinda an asshole, then leave it lie as it is.
All this is on the presumption that he doesn’t try to apologize to her, which IMO he oughtta and would really be the best result all around.
Wholeheartedly agree. I’m rather surprised by the replies here suggesting that monstro ought to explain her reaction. Her co-worker did something inappropriate (and not for the first time), she corrected him, that’s it. Why should she feel like she owes him a “I was tired, I was cranky, we’re still friends, right?”
That’s kind of the point, though. If he’s not an asshole, then he will apologise. He’ll realise ‘Oh, shit, that was obviously inappropriate and/or unwelcome. And all those other times when I touched monstro and she jerked away from me - those meant she didn’t want me touching her!’ So he’ll say something along the lines of ‘Listen, I’m sorry - I didn’t realise you didn’t like me touching you. I won’t do it again.’ And that’s her opportunity to say, ‘I appreciate that. Yeah, I’d like you to quit touching me, but I didn’t get the impression you were being a sleaze; we just have different boundaries.’ (Or whatever she actually thinks.)
If he doesn’t apologise, if his only reaction is that monstro has some nerve telling him to knock it off, then he is in fact some degree of asshole.
The ball is very much in his court. It would be hard for her to bring it up and soften her message (especially to a guy who’s a bit clueless) without giving the impression that she’s apologising for telling him not to touch her.
ETA: Or if he’s not an asshole but can’t figure out a non-awkward way to bring it up again, he’ll just quit touching monstro and they’ll gradually go back to being normally friendly. Which, going by what she says about him, would probably be a good outcome. This doesn’t sound like some huge big deal; just a boundary that needed drawing.
The problem here is that he’s been described as “socially awkward” in the OP. Socially awkward guys may potentially be too shy to do what is necessary and apologize.
If that’s the case, he’ll get the same treatment as if he was an ass. Which may be unfortunate for both of them, as they have to live with each other in the office.
This is why it all boils down to the OP’s own analysis of this guy. Is he a shy, sorta sweet, socially awkward fellow who just made a mistake about violating personal boundaries - which the OP sorta sounds like? Or on the contrary - was he being a jerk who repeatedly pushed his luck until he was rightfully called on it? It’s up to her to decide (since we can’t know).
I guess I don’t understand why snapping at such a person is “wrong”. We aren’t talking about a child who needs gentle instruction. Nor are we talking about a breech of conduct that is esoteric. We’re taught to keep our hands to ourselves from an early age.
And I didn’t blow up like you’re implying. I just said “Don’t touch me”. If I my mood had been more upbeat, I might have just said “Please, no”.
I think the thing that really bugged me was that as he stepped in my office, I took a couple of steps back in a startled way. Then as he reached for my arm, I twisted away and he still came at me. I know he wasn’t being aggressive (mentally), but it certainly felt that way.
True enough. I still think the ball’s in his court, though, if he wants to bring up the subject again. If he doesn’t, and if monstro considers him to be a perfectly OK guy who just needed to cop himself on about the touchy-feely stuff, then all she needs to do is be normally friendly to him - that way it’s clear that her problem wasn’t with him in general, just with this one behaviour.