Crap. I Think Someone is Trying to Seduce Me.

And we’re both married.

And I’m so NOT going to cheat on my husband.

Ok, it’s like this. The husband and I live in an apartment complex, we have a neighbor about our age who he became friendly with while I was in Mexico. I met him when I came back–nice guy, gave my husband a ride to the bus-stop one day when it was raining. We probably talked for two hours the first day he came over to my apartment. He seemed really super sort of strangely friendly (offered to starch my pants for me before a job interview?), and was poking around in my house a lot, and asking questions about my height and weight my pale skin and comparing me to his wife, whom I’ve never met.

But we had an interesting conversation, and I figured maybe he was just sort of a touchy-feely person by nature, and when he left that day, I felt pretty good about the new friendship.

Two weeks pass.

Today he knocked on my door to return a book, asking me why I haven’t come to visit him. I told him I was incredibly shy, which is true. I was already nervous as heck just talking to the guy, simply because he is a human being.

He sits down, and some very awkward (for me, at least) conversation follows. He is worried about me all alone while my husband is at work. He wants me to come by while his wife is not home. I suggest things we (the four of us) can do together, but he says his wife isn’t interested in socializing and he isn’t available on weekends. He just thinks we should visit each other during the day, while we’re bored and lonely.

Then he says, ‘‘Look at how cute you are without your makeup!’’ Most women can’t get away with that, yadda yadda.

Then he wants to put his name in my new cellphone–but warns me I should enter it under a girl’s name, so my husband won’t get mad. (Of course I did not do this.)
Then he comes over and stands real close to me while I enter his name in. I made some excuse like I have to call my Mom, because I was really uncomfortable at that point. He finally left, but he hugged me and pulled me real close and insisted I am free to stop by any time his wife’s car isn’t in the front lot.

He called me almost immediately after he left to ask me how to spell my name.

Now, I haven’t been married long, and I’ve never had anything like this happen before. I’m not sure if I’m just overreacting and assuming things, or if this guy really is trying to push things beyond friendship. He’ll remark that I’m attractive and then mention his wife in the same breath–it’s very confusing.

I just wanted a friend. I am really upset about this, and not sure what I should say to my husband. I already IMed him today because the whole experience left me stressed out, but didn’t go into details (he is NOT the jealous type.)

I am really shaken up right now. I have PTSD and I don’t handle unwanted sexual advances in the most rational and healthy way. Things felt out of control and I was afraid. He is a lot bigger than me, and I find that really intimidating.

I know, rationally, that I am going to have to confront this issue probably pretty soon, and I resent that, a lot. The guy lives right next door, there’s really no way to ever avoid him, and if he really doesn’t mean anything by his behavior, I would feel bad for implying he would cheat on his wife. On the other hand, if he actually ever does make a really obvious physical move, it is going to be pretty traumatic for me. I don’t want it to get to that point.

How does one deal with these sort of situations?

Comfort, Advice solicited. In whatever order you prefer. :slight_smile:

I think he was coming on to you, and waiting for signals that you were interested. If you keep putting out the “not interested” vibe, I hope he’ll get the message and all the bad situations you’re imagining will never materialize.

I hate it when this happens. It makes me furious.

Flat out tell him NO. Ain’t gonna happen. No way no how. Never.

If he continues, tell your husband and his wife. If he still continues, tell the police. Any attention after “NO” is grounds for a stalking complaint.

DO NOT TRY TO LET HIM DOWN EASY. Make sure he is told from the get-go NO.

Seriously. I totally thought I had a new friend!

Yes, don’t give him signals. Guys like this don’t get it. Don’t let him in next time, absolutely not. You don’t have to be mean about it if you can’t get your gumption up. Do you have a chain? Just put the chain on next time he comes to the door, and open the door with the chain on. Smile nicely and say “I’m sorry, I’m busy and I can’t chat.” Repeat as necessary. Don’t sit and chat with him. Make your chats brief. Always have something to do.

And tell your husband!

If he tries any physical contact with you again (offering a hug or whatever), you might try saying something like, “Your hug last time really caught me by surprise. I’m really not comfortable being touched.”

I don’t think you’re misinterpreting, either. The thing about keeping his phone number a secret from your husband, and telling you to come over as long as his wife isn’t there – that’s creeptastic. The time to set firm boundaries is now, before he thinks he’s getting away with something.

Do you have a name that’s difficult to spell? It shouldn’t matter exactly how it’s spelled, anyway, it’s not like he’s writing up a legal document for you or mailing you a formal invitation or something.

This is actually one of my favorite excuses when a girl gives me her phone number, but I’ve forgotten her name. “How do you spell your name?”, I’ll say after I put the number in my phone. It worked great many times, until I asked a gal who gave me a dirty look and replied, “K - I - M”. :smack:

Don’t be mean about it, but as I posted above be direct about it. Don’t say “I’m busy.” Say “I don’t want you in here when my husband is not home…” Don’t make excuses. Don’t try to be nice or he’ll think you’re playing games. Just keep saying NO. You don’t owe him any excuses, reasons, or explanations.

I’m a guy that thinks that most women are too uptight about stuff like this and too many women get “creeped out” by guys that are just being nice. And with that established, I think this behavior is CREEPY AS FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

The whole repeated, “but…heh heh…uhh, just not when my WIFE’S around” thing tips it way, way over into creepazoid territory. As well as the pointed compliments and the whole “sneak around” aspect.

The only real explanation (not defense, but explanation) is that most guys are really bad about mistaking/misinterpreting simple friendliness on the part of women for sexual interest - so perfectly companionable conversation (you mentioned that you guys talked for hours the first time you met) becomes “sparks” on his end. It’s something that I catch myself doing every now and then - I’ll convince myself that a cute co-worker “totally has a crush on me” when she’s probably just being friendly. It’s just a guy ape-brain thing.

I could probably do this, and you could do this, but I wasn’t sure if the OP felt she could do this:

I thought it might be a bit too much for her. I would recommend the firm way, too, but that’s not always that easy IRL.

It’s possible you’re misinterpreting things, but I doubt it. Don’t answer the door when you’re home alone. Talk about your husband incessantly when you have to run into him. Get to know his wife and casually mention “that day X came by when Mr. Olives hadn’t come home from work yet.” (I bet this isn’t the first time.) Mention your sister who is leaving that sleaze-bag cheating husband of hers and he’s got it coming, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe once he comes back to reality there will still be a friendship component to salvage.

But I doubt it.

That guy is banging on you like Charlie Watts. Tell him no. And tell your husband.

Not sure about rational advice, but if it were me I’d be nice but distant, and definitely always rushing to meet someone/get groceries/return an e-mail. And my husband’s name would always be on my lips. 'Hi, how’s it going? Sorry, [husband]‘s coming home soon and I’ve got to get dinner started. But like I said, we’d love to have you and [wife] over sometime,’ that sort of thing. If he makes a move, that’s the time to be blunt. And if you have trouble being rude, as so many women do in the face of unwanted advances, tell him your husband is the jealous type.

And of he’s really so worried about you being home alone, tell him you’re getting a German Shepherd.

I’m sorry to hear you are upset; if you’re anything like me you have that twisted, cold feeling in your belly. I HATE THAT. The bolded part above really makes me grrrr; he has an out if you confront him. Please remember that you are the reasonable straight-up one here, even if you feel shaky, and he is the one playing games.

It sucks to have to be in this situation.

This sounds creepy. He is not interested in friendship or there would be no need for secrets. Establish your boundaries and be very direct. If after the next couple of visits he doesn’t seem to get the picture, tell your husband.
To be honest, as a married (well, almost) guy, I would want Lady Fried to tell me right away if something like this was happening. Not so
I could get all huffy and macho but so I could keep an eye on the situation and help comfort her.

“If” he makes a move? He’s already made a move… making a move isn’t restricted to “I’m dying to test drive your bed.”

Tell your husband and, unless you two decide to never have contact with the neighbor again, make sure to meet his wife. You don’t have to tell her, but you need to know her and need her to know you.

In addition to everything else said above, I suggest never be alone with this person. Even if you do nothing else, making sure Mr Olives is always in the same room with you when this neighbor comes over should do wonders for his conduct.

He’s going to try to keep this a secret from your husband. I suggest he should never have such a chance again.

My name is Christy. Some people spell it Kristie, I guess. It seems like a dumb reason to call someone, unless of course, you’re trying to hook up.

I appreciate the responses here, telling me I am not crazy. My husband and I are going to discuss this tonight. I’m not sure how he will react overall, because this hasn’t happened before–but chances are he’ll be calm and rational about it, as he is about everything else.

I think unfortunately it is true that I am going to have to be blunt about this. I’m afraid he may have taken my awkward silences for ambivalence. I am not ambivalent. I think I’d rather chew off my left pinky than run into this guy again. It’s the guilt that makes things difficult–I hate confrontation.

And just whaqt do you have to feel guilty about? You have done nothing wrong.

If everyone learned to asked directly and to take no for an answer, the world would run a lot smoother. He is not doing the first, so he better jolly well do the second. Do not get into a discussion or an argument. Say NO. If he questions you, ask “Which part of NO don’t you understand? The N or the O?”

Ditto this advice. The man has gone two steps beyond hinting that he’d like an affair into scary creepiness. Don’t let him into your apartment. I hope you have a peephole, so you don’t open your door to him. When he said he was worried about you being alone when your husband’s at work, that sent up a serious red flag danger warning.