What the Hell is Going on in My Life? (Gentleman Callers)

I feel like Granny in the Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs was trying to rescue Granny from the attentions of Yosemite Sam. “Forty years, nothing. And then it all comes out in one day.”

I recently posted a thread where I fell into a conversation with a guy at a bus stop. That did not go well, as you can read in the link if you care to.

Well, it’s happened AGAIN. In my own building, in the laundry room. And again, we exchanged numbers. The guy agrees we can just be friends. I hope that holds up.

It bothers me somewhat that he lives in my building. That could make things extremely awkward if things go sour.

I don’t understand. It’s like my post menopausal body is trying to make up for lost time now that accidental babies are a thing of the past. I don’t get it. It’s not like I’m really looking for someone, but I’ve given my number out twice, and this guy lives two floors up from me.

Am I stupid or crazy or what? I still don’t really want a physical relationship, but I would like a friend. That may change, but I don’t know. Why am I letting this happen?

Lucky, I guess?

Enjoy it.
I suspect you deserve it.

I read your other post.

I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a friend. You’ve been clear about it, and as long as you keep being clear about it, you’re on the side of angels.

So no, I don’t think you’re being stupid or crazy or anything. I think this is absolutely normal.

You’re confident and comfortable with yourself and people can sense it. These men are attracted to you, and you’re still worth being friends with after turning down the notion of dating.

Hope it works out and you’ve made a good friend!

No reason not to have some fun if you can and if you want to. If you don’t want to then…don’t. I have found age makes such assessments a lot easier than when I was 20.

No need to think long term at this point. Be clear with the other person about your expectations and make no apology for that. If they aren’t cool with it then fine, you both dodged a bullet. If they are then great! Have fun! (Although I know someone can say they are fine with “X” and then not be fine later.)

In six months or a year see where you are and re-assess (if the relationship makes it that far).

You’re neither stupid, nor crazy. You may, however, be overthinking things a bit. :wink: People are sociable creatures and there’s less than nothing wrong with making a new connection. In fact, it’s a good thing!

The fact that he lives in your building is a feature, not a bug. You’d have someone to call if you need help moving a large item, for example, or need to borrow the proverbial cup of sugar.

If things do go sour, it’s pretty easy to avoid someone. :smiley:

This may be related …

I have noticed in the last week or two a decided uptick in people being willing to talk to random people they encounter in a line, at a store, whatever.

I’m the sort who says “Hi” as I pass strangers while we’re strolling on the beach or a walking trail in the park. Used to be I very rarely got much response. Suddenly lots of people want to actually talk.

I think everybody is just about social-distanced out. And are craving even very basic human interaction even between real strangers.

That’s not what the OP is experiencing, but if folks are more open to trivial interactions like I’m seeing, they may also be more open to bigger interactions like the OP is seeing.

Plus of course, also due to COVID, the conventional ways folks looked for BFs/GFs/friends last year are all weirded out right now. So the old-fashioned “strike up a convo with whoever’s standing around me” method has come back into use.

Well, that went down the toilet quickly. :frowning_face:

Okay, so I went to the guy’s apartment and we talked and watched TV. I was a little relived to find he was even a worse housekeeper that I am, and he told me a little about Belize, (where he comes from) and I told him I spent a lot of my life taking care of my sick parents. I said I wanted to go slow and be friends, and he said he respected that. He did get a little touchy feely, but I just drew myself up, and he backed off, saying he just thought I was so attractive. I said that’s okay, but slow down, we’re just being friends now. We spoke a little more, and he said he had a job interview in the morning, for a job at O’Hare that he was pretty sure he was going to get. I said great, good luck to you, and said I had to get up early for work, and I left.

We texted good nights and good mornings, and I was fine with that.

So that afternoon, I’m at work and I get a text from him, saying he’s got the job. I say great, I knew you would get the job, etc. Now the thing is I can’t text type very quickly. My fingers just aren’t used to the tiny little keyboard. He asks if I want him to bring me some white wine. I said, “Sure, we can celebrate your job, fine.” Then he shows me a picture of a bracelet. Aannnd telling me that he’s in love with me. I say, “No you’re not. We just met yesterday.” He asks me if I like the bracelet. He says he’ll buy me a ring later. I say, “Tell you what. You keep the bracelet until we decide we’re more than friends. It’s too soon for gifts.”

And then, he starts calling me his wife. I say, “I’m not your wife. Don’t scare me off.”

…And then he texts, “What’s your fucking problem???”

I text back, “We’re done. Forget tonight. I’m sorry.”

I clicked off and blocked his number.

Aaannnddd…I start getting voice mails from the guy. “Don’t do this baby. I love you. l love you so much.”

I met this guy in the laundry room yesterday.

I called a stalker victim support group, and they gave me some advice like, don’t delete the voicemails in case you need them for evidence. Here are some resource numbers…call the police if you need to…Don’t respond to him in any way.

He did show up last night, but I wasn’t alarmed, because we had scheduled that time to celebrate his job the night before. I know the support group said don’t respond to him, but I felt I had to make myself clear.

I told him that it was over. He looked contrite and was holding the bracelet. He said, “Can’t we be friends?” I told him, “We can be civil to each other. We have to live in this same building. But we won’t be hanging out together. I think you want way more from a relationship than I do. I’m sorry. Good night.”

Then I closed and locked the door.

No more voicemails. That’s good I guess.

Goddammit. This sucks, but I think I handled it well.

I’m a little worried about him seeking revenge, but he didn’t actually threaten me in any way. He does seem a little emotionally loopy. If he did try to jump me unarmed, I think I could handle myself. He’s smaller than me, and I’m much stronger than I look. If he attacked me with a weapon…well, I’ll worry about that if it happens.

I think this should blow over in time, I hope.

I went to a diner for dinner tonight. I talked to a guy in the next booth over about old TV shows. He asked me where I lived. I told him my nearest intersection.

But I didn’t give him my number.

I am sorry that you’re going through this. Everything is so much harder than it should be, isn’t it?

Oh, yeeesh! Congrats, you hit the “crazy” jackpot. Hopefully that means you’ve met your quota for the foreseeable future.

Sorry to hear you’re going through all of this.

Not that you need to be validated or anything, but I think all of your actions were completely appropriate. The laundry room guy sounds like a loon.

I’m trying to figure out why a guy would act that way. Maybe a mix of pandemic fatigue, desperation, and a feeling that he’s not getting any younger? :face_with_raised_eyebrow: Not that this is your problem. He’s responsible for the consequences of his own actions, and maybe he’ll learn from this that desperation is never attractive.

Sounds like textbook narcissist behavior (the laundry room guy, not O.P.) called “love bombing.”

The super-fast timeline to commitment (calling her “wife”) and inappropriate lavish gifts, etc.

O.P. you may benefit from knowing what this is so you can beware any future narcissists.

A lot of men are insecure pigs. Please don’t hold it against the rest of us.



I’ll add that although the OP first noticed this guy at the laundry room convo a couple days ago, it’s highly likely that he had seen her around the complex previously and had spent the last couple of months building an elaborate fantasy of exactly how luscious & cooperative @Two_Many_Cats2 was going to be once he surfaced in her life. See Baby; it was meant to be!

Or so the pathetic goofball had persuaded himself.

FTR, as @robby said. None of this is meant as mansplainin’; there’s nothing good or justifiable about anything he did. Perhaps predictable or explainable, but not justifiable.

I’ll throw one more possibility into the mix: the guy’s a scammer. Yes, narcissists tend to rush relationships, but this was fast even for them. I’ve had a couple of friends who were in similar situations that ended with the guy needing money for some reason. There seems to be a sub-group that targets women of a certain age. I think you dodged a bullet, OP.

That said, enjoy the attention. A few years ago, I decided to take a break from dating, etc. for a year. In the space of a few months, three men tried to start relationships. One succeeded, and he lived in my complex. When I broke it off a year later, it wasn’t awkward to be living in close proximity. So while you may want to let a bit more time lapse before giving out your number, don’t let fears of awkward proximity hold you back.

I think you’re right about this. He did mention wanting to ask me out for a while.

The thing is, I’m no great catch. I’m in my fifties with a paunch, and I don’t use makeup. I have dark circles under my eyes. Nobody catcalls me anymore.

I’m surprised I’m getting this much attention from men lately, if I’m honest about it.

Oh, ferchrissakes. Not looking at any pictures of you, I can guess that you might have a lovely smile; maybe soft, shiny hair; likely your eyes sparkle when you’re happy.

I doubt you’re some hideous uggo. :slight_smile:

(I’m not touching the “don’t use makeup” comment. Let’s just say, that’s not a requirement for attractiveness.)

Hey, back off you weirdo stalker! :slight_smile:

OP, you definitely handled it well. I too was wondering about the scam angle - getting the job confirmed so quickly, especially at present, is unusual. Maybe the next step was going to be “Oh, could I borrow $200 for a new suit [or whatever]”, and so on. OK, perhaps not given you know where he lives, but criminals are not usually known for their intelligence. Or he could have just skipped town as soon as he felt you were switching from gullible mark to making a police report. He may have (incorrectly) perceived you as vulnerable. Either way, a bullet dodged for sure.

The scam thing never crossed my mind. I thought that was more of an online danger.

My HR Director would disagree with you, but that’s a story for another thread.