So, Did I Miss Out Big Time, Or Did I Just Dodge a Bullet?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

First, some background information. I’m in my mid-fifties, single, and owing to these and those religious and secular reasons, I have had maybe five dates in my life. I don’t mind being alone really, I grew up as an only child, and while I’m not asexual, I don’t have much of a libido. I call myself faux-sexual, meaning I prefer my lovers invisible, if you know what I mean.

But lately, I’ve been thinking it would be nice to have a companion. Just maybe someone to go places with and do things with. Nothing deep. And maybe, after awhile, maybe there could be a romance. I’d have to really know the person though.

Well, there was this guy I met at a bus stop. We got to talking pleasantly, and I gave him my number (NOT something I would ordinarily do). We talked later that night on the phone for two hours about current events and our lives, and during that talk, I told him straight out that I wanted to be friends first, and maybe down the road we could be more than that. I also said for him not to call me during working hours, and if he didn’t call me during the week, I would call him on Saturday, and we could make some plans or something. This conversation took place on Sunday night.

Well fine. During the week, we didn’t call each other, and on Saturday, I called as I had promised. I left a message, saying to call me if he wanted to.

He called back about three hours later, and let’s just say it did not go well. Apparently, he felt slighted that I didn’t call during the week, and that he had followed all my “little rules” about not calling during working hours and that my not calling him at all just to say hello was childish, and that I was calling all the shots and just what did I mean by leaving a message for him to “call back IF he wanted to.”

I just listened, and apologized for not calling him during the week, and then said this wasn’t for me, and we hung up. I blocked his number on my phone and that’s that.

I’m typing this here because, as it happens, I’m not experienced in these things. I’m not saddened because I wasn’t that involved with the guy. I just met him at a bus stop and thought I’d give hanging out with him a shot. Maybe trying to arrange that hanging out a week in advance was a bit strange, but all I have are weekends to do that sort of thing and we met late on Sunday. He was free to call me anytime. I guess I was free to call him, but since I had said I would call on Saturday, that’s what I did. I didn’t know he would get offended.

Did I do wrong? Or did I dodge a bullet by dropping him?

2

You totally/absolutely dodged a bullet.

3

Hmmm? After, what? 3 conversations and he got pissy?
That ain’t right.
I’m going with ‘you dodged a bullet’

IMHO

4

You should take up painting. Then you’d be an artful dodger. Of bullets. Like this guy was.

5

We would really need to hear the conversation to have a good opinion. It’s possible that the tone and specific language you used would have made lots of people irritated.

6

Hmmm.

Sounds like he “wasn’t getting what he needed,” so he took it out on you.

You dodged a bullet. Find another bus route!
~VOW

7

Yeah, dodged a bullet. He sounds like someone who would be absolutely suffocating even as a friend.

8

He seems off. That was a bizarre reaction after one phone call.

I am a serial dater in between relationships. I don’t really have rules myself but I’ll generally be happy to follow their preferences (as long as they tell me what they are which they sometimes don’t but that’s a different subject). You prefer texting, you hate texting, don’t call during Jeopardy, call between 10 and 6, whatever. It’s all good. Agreeing to a rule and then getting pissy about it is not cool.

9

Nothing about the OP suggests that. He was upset about not being called during the week. And anybody who gets upset by the tone of a single voice message from someone they barely know isn’t someone you want to be hanging with.

10

dodged a bullet for sure. The complaining about “all your little rules” makes me think he’d have been very stifling/controlling. people often accuse others of what they themselves are guilty of.

11

He’s not the person for you. Forget about him and move on.

12

Sounds like he was really into you and hurt that you weren’t as into him… and also he’s an asshole.

A two-hour phone call could be enough for him to have fallen for you. He might have hoped that you’d feel as strongly as he did and not be able to resist calling him all week. It’s a real bummer when the object of your crush is just sorta lukewarm at best about you. So even though you did nothing wrong, I can understand why he wouldn’t be happy.

That in no way excuses how he handled it, though. It’s fine to be disappointed; it’s not fine to blame someone else for just not being that into you. Unfortunately, this kind of entitled mindset is not uncommon. You were right to cut him off immediately and unambiguously. I wish you luck in finding a better companion.

13

This is possible, because even I thought I was being a little “here’s the deal” during that conversation on Sunday night over the phone. I made it clear that I wanted to be friends first, and go slowly. I said that because I wanted it understood that I wouldn’t be sleeping with him immediately. I just thought that it would be better to be honest in the beginning about that, so that if sex was all he was after, he could move on. Also I didn’t want him calling me during working hours because I’m working from home, and what if my boss calls? He could’ve called me during the evenings if he wanted to. I didn’t call because I had already promised to call on Saturday, which I did.

I’m guessing those were the “little rules” he got snippy about. That and the remark about me calling all the shots is why I’m not pursuing this further.

Yeah, I would say I was upfront in that first phone call, and that’s probably a turn-off.
But I’m set in my ways, and it’s better for a prospective significant other to know that from the get go. Men are always bitching on message boards that women don’t come out and say what they want, so that’s what I did.

14

I think they both dodged a bullet.

15

I think you dodged a bullet.

Things like this are why I don’t think I’ll ever have another date for the rest of my life.

16

Explain that, IF you want to.

17

In your OP you described yourself as someone not keen on a relationship and someone with a lot of fiddly requirements.

When the other person was not ok with all the rules they left but somehow they are the bad guy.

They’re not, as far as we know from what we have been told. They just backed out. Something you seemed primed to do the whole time.

Dating is hard. You meet a lot of duds for sure. That’s how it goes. Then you meet the right person and, weirdly, they are often not someone you saw coming or expected…that’s when it is really cool and good.

But you’ll never know if you don’t let yourself get out there.

I do not mean you should accept every date offer. You can still be judicious (and should be) but you need to date a lot of frogs to find your prince.

And the reverse is true for the person on the other side.

Do you think bus stop person totally missed out? If you were in that person’s shoes what would you think about you? Would you, in their shoes, think you had just missed out on the best thing ever?

18

Whack-a-mole, did you read the entire OP?

That’s not someone saying “I’m not OK with all your rules” and leaving. That’s someone throwing a tantrum. If you’re having trouble picturing how an adult would handle the scenario you imagine, here’s an alternate version of the OP to get you started:

I think most of us would’ve responded a little differently to that version of events.

19

I think you were being totally reasonable; and he, in the second call, was being totally unreasonable.

If he didn’t like the way you wanted to set things up, all he needed to do was to say, as you did, that this wasn’t for him. Going off at you like that was a really bad sign. You’re a good bullet dodger; keep it up.

20

I did.

Tantrum? Really?

A person backing out before a first date is even set is a tantrum?

Both sides get to assess the other person.

Look, the person was probably a doofus and the OP is lucky it never even started. Pure chance suggests that is (probably) true.

And the OP is free to make any requirements they want before going on a date.