All you dating experts out there-advice needed!

Okay, so some of you may remember my May/December thread.

Consider this Part 2.

I don’t get what’s up with this guy. We’ve both got really busy schedules. I work full time and attend law school in the evenings. He works full time, teaches (no, not at the law school) and does a host of other activities. We’re busy people, lots of commitments, blah de blah.

So, the last time we got together was the Saturday before last. Movie Night. His Place. Lots o’ Fun. Everything was just peachy. He calls the following Thursday, as expected (I suspect he’s operating off of a dating for dummies rule book). He can’t get together this last weekend because he was attending a friends play (we’re not tight enough that I’d wonder why I wasn’t invited. Not a big thing at all) on Saturday, working on Friday and Sunday evening. Which fits in with his normal schedule so no flags were raised.


He mentions on the phone that I could call him too (in a ya know tone of voice). Hint taken. I throw out the suggestion of hooking up at some point this weekend. He seems all for it. Very Excited. It’s a Go. He’s got a friend’s wedding this weekend but he’s sure we can get together at some point. I ask him for his email and proceed to email him Wed. morning.

With just the right touch of breeziness I tell him that I hadn’t made any plans as of yet for the weekend and if he still wanted to get together, to let me know what his schedule was looking like. He emails me back (about 2 minutes later) to tell me to go ahead and make plans, he’s got the wedding Saturday and a rehearsal dinner Friday. Ooookay, not sure if I’m getting the brush off yet. He mentions he’ll call me tonight. We continue to banter back and forth via email, All is Well With The World.

Fast forward to tonight. He calls and we talk. Everything’s peachy. I tell him about an interview I had today and he wants me to email him as soon as I hear back (which is supposed to happen tomorrow). I mention to him as we’re hanging up that I hope we can get together again before the New Year. He laughs it off and says he’ll call me next week.

Okay, time out.

The hell? Have I mentioned that I live oh, about 2 MINUTES away from this person? And that we’ve been “dating” for about five weeks? And yet, we can’t seem to get our respective schedules to coincide for any substantial period of time for over 2 weeks now? Has this man ever heard of any days other than Friday and Saturday? Do people not eat lunch on whatever planet he hails from?

Ah-hem. Now, ordinarily I’d assume I was being blown off. No biggie. I’m hardly attached enough to really care all that much. Rejection sucks, sure. But it’s not like I’d be dusting off the 'ol Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces album and crying into my Corona or anything. The thing that’s bothering me is that he’s actively keeping this thing going. He keeps calling me (if you can consider a weekly phone call regular contact). When I mention getting together again he seems geniunely excited. He averages a 2 minute return email time. I don’t get it. If he’s trying to blow me off why in the name of All that is Good and Right in the World does he keep initiating contact with me? It’s not that hard to NOT call someone. Especially when they’re not calling you! It’s really starting to irritate me.

If you’d care to bear with me through this really bad analogy, it’s like he’s running a baseball stadium and he’s got me sitting in the dugout. He’s not sure if he wants me out on the field or not, but he’s keeping me on the team as official bench warmer until he makes up his mind.

I need some objective opinions on this. Should I just ask him what’s up? Should I use the horrendous baseball analogy? Should I just not answer the phone the next time he calls and cut my losses? I don’t mind being blown off, but I absolutely cannot stand to be strung along. And let’s face it: there’s really not much point in being in the stadium if you’re never going to get to play.

For anyone who’s actually read this far down, thank you for listening, please place your opinions on the table on your way out.

Thank you and goodnight.

Maybe he doesn’t want to seem to desperate.

Perhaps he *does * want to call you more often, but since you haven’t been reciprocating his advances (i.e. calling him, asking him out), he’s not sure how comfortable you are with him. So he’s taking things slow.

But from your story, it sure seems like he likes you.

Ah, but Kea], I have been reciprocating. I asked him out the last time we spoke (prior to this evening’s phone call). He was all for it. Now we’re not getting together. And I mentioned getting together again tonight. At this point, I’m fearing that I’m coming across as too desperate. I’ve asked him out twice already. Or at least strongly hinted I wanted to get together. Like hell I’m doing it again.

But thank you for your post, it made me feel a little better. :slight_smile:

Now I’m going to go attempt to get some sleep, which should be interesting considering my brain is spinning into overdrive with this one.


Lez you’re not gonna like what I’m thinking and about to say but it sounds like you’re being kept as a backup plan/date.
I could be wrong of course but if you were first in his heart then he’d make time, I would :slight_smile:
Just hang loose and act like you’ve got better things to do than sit by the phone worrying over him. Better yet, get another guy to go out with some night.
Or at least let him know that you’d like to have a social life even if it means with someone who CAN find the time to be with you.
If I could only… :frowning:

If he doesn’t get the picture then to hell with him. You are worth much more than some lame ass who can’t make the time to be with you.

You obviously have a good attitude and a sense of humor. So you shouldn’t feel desperate or needy at all. If you are not happy and spending a bunch of time and energy trying to figure this out, CUT HIM LOOSE. Seriously. His loss; I know, easier said than believed, but you deserve someone who PURSUES you with ALACRITY. And that BS about him hinting that you can call and ask him to do stuff? Well, I think you have done MORE than enough. Ditch him. Screen your calls and don’t e-mail him. It is FAR BETTER to be ALONE and calm and happy and not twisted in knots than to be semi-attached and forever playing Junior Amateur Detective with some goofball.

Did you have any definite plans when you asked him out, or was it just “some point this weekend”? If he’s suggested that he’d like you to take a little more active role getting together, and you’re willing to, then really take it. Make plans; date, time and place. Maybe you both feel like you’re being blown off because you’re both waiting for the other person to put some effort into making your dates more than hypothetical.

Ask him to lunch at a definite time and place, with at least three days’ notice. If he can’t make it, I’d seriously consider looking for someone a little more flexible and willing to put you before…anything.

It’s only been five weeks, right? That explains why he’s not taking you to the wedding (but really, who wants to go dateless to a wedding?) but really, chill. Five weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and he does keep in contact fairly regularly, it seems. If you hadn’t heard from him in 5 weeks I’d worry. And if you want a lunch date, suggest it. I didn’t read Part I, but us older folk have busy schedules and need alone time too, plus maybe he doesn’t want to rush things. I’d worry more if he were the type that had to see you every available second and hurried the intimacy. That’s whats scary, not scheduling conflicts.

By lezlers: * " I don’t get it. If he’s trying to blow me off why in the name of All that is Good and Right in the World does he keep initiating contact with me? It’s not that hard to NOT call someone. Especially when they’re not calling you! It’s really starting to irritate me." *

He’s either socially impaired (wasn’t THAT cute?) or he’s just messin’ around, playing some kind of game. You live two minutes apart and he can’t find a way for the two of you to get together? Please! Most probably, he’s simply stringing you along because he thinks it’s fun.

Something tells me this isn’t the guy you’ve been looking for. At best he’s thoughtless, at worst he’s mean. If he really wanted to pursue the possibility of a long term relationship with you, he’d find a way to be at your door with flowers, either before or after somebody else’s wedding rehearsal.

Sorry, but hey: You asked! Good luck, however this turns out.

I don’t know if you saw my thread on the long-winded internet dating story and here, but this type of behavior was exactly what I was getting from the guy I liked. When we would get together, it was great, but he wasn’t too keen on finding the time to see me or call me. When I asked what was going on, I made it worse. So, I wouldn’t suggest bringing up the baseball stadium analogy. Someone referred me to a book “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I didn’t read the book, but I did go to Amazon and read the summaries and people’s reviews and I think it makes some good points.

I have to agree with some of the others - you’re the back-up plan, as I was. I felt I deserved more than that, so I gave up on mine. You’re already better off than I was, because I was pretty attached for only having known him a few weeks. I say cut your losses before you do get too attached, and find someone who is into you and not just stringing you along. I suppose if you hung on long enough it might turn around, but probably not.

Before I gave up for good, though, I might try suggesting a weekday date for a day when you are fairly sure he won’t be busy (if you know enough about his schedule) and see what he says. If it is still a negative response, let him go.

I read your thread Thinks2much. I remember thinking that our situations were pretty different, actually. You guys were pretty intimate pretty early on, and seeing each other a lot. Your conversations were deep and he had a sudden change in personality. We don’t see each other all that often and while we’ve gotten close physically, there hasn’t been all that much emotional bonding. His personality has stayed consistant throughout this thing, upbeat and cheery. It’s really been kept to a lighter vibe. I think you were smart to ditch that guy, and if I’m being blown off here, it’ll be smart for me to do the same.

John Carter of Mars, thanks for the honest assesment. He works in Public Affairs and is in general, a really good schmoozer. But when it comes to male/female relations, he is a bit akward. I can’t imagine him being mean, but then again, I don’t really know him all that well. Anything’s possible. I’ve thought about the “he’s just doing this for fun” theory, but what doesn’t make sense with that is: why wouldn’t he want to see me? I decided in the beginning of this thing that if it was just a fun, lighthearted, physical thing that I would be okay with that, if I went into it with my eyes open of course. Thing is, if that’s what he was going for, why wouldn’t he want to see me in person? What’s he getting out of just calling me? I’ve more than proven after our last little get together that I’m not the clingy type so he doesn’t have to worry about me becoming some sort of psycho stalker. I know he’s attracted to me, he’s male, I don’t think he’s gotten any in awhile and he lives 2 minutes away. Why does he keep calling me but doesn’t make any real efforts to see me? Does. Not. Compute.

kitten, I’m not tripping over the wedding. I can think of nothing worse than attending a wedding of people I don’t know so I’m just happy he didn’t ask. We were talking about it last night though and he’s serving more of a “hospitality host” role at this thing, which could explain my lack of invite. Or he could just want to appear really, really single if there happen to be any single women there.

Mercury and Robot: I feel weird asking him to a definite lunch date after having had both my prior attempts at getting us together fail. Third time can be a charm, or give the appearance of desperation, you know? I told him in an email that I had this Monday, Columbus Day off (hint, hint), he just said that that was cool and he hadn’t gotten that day off since elementary school (he’s very intelligent, there’s no way he unintentionally missed that hint).

t-keela, thanks. :slight_smile:

I was going to share my thoughts on what might be happening, but I’m afraid it would just be pretty much a copy of t-keela’s post. You may not be “back-up”, but I’d wager you’re not the only person he’s dating. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

He sounds busy. He may not have tons of time for ‘dating’…and therefore might be looking in several directions at once. It sounds to me like he views your relationship as a very casual thing. You enjoy each other’s company, so you go out on occasion. If your schedules conflict, then you’ll go out some other time. In fact, I know people who do this on purpose. They aren’t ready for/don’t have time for/don’t know if they want a “relationship”, so they keep their ‘dates’ casual and carefree. For example, they don’t call 3 times a week, don’t see a person more than once a week…this way, people (yes, men and women both) can meet and get to know more people in a shorter time, thus increasing their chances of them finding “the one”…it’s some people’s theory. From the VERY little I know of you, him and your situation, this is what it sounds like to me.

Now, if this is true, you need to decide what you want from him. You said if it were over, you woudn’t break out the Dixie Chicks. Did you mean that? Are you ok with him possibly ‘seeing’ other people while also dating you? If so, then I would suggest you try approaching the situation casually. If he lives 2 minutes from you, call him up on a Saturday morning, or on a Tuesday night, and say “Hey, what are you doing?” if he replies with “not much” or “nothing” or something like that, say “I was going to run over to ____ to grab dinner. I’m leaving now, you want to come along?” Spontenaity, while not spelled correctly, will go a long way in helping you determine if he ‘likes’ you or not. If he responds with “sure, come pick me up on your way” he likes you. If he responds with “OH, well…I…uh…was supposed to meet a friend…at…the…” you should probably forget him.

Also, I could be off my rocker…this is just one person’s take on the situation. Either way, good luck.

I think you really need to suggest something specific to do. It sounds like the conversations went like this:

You “Hey, let’s get together sometime this weekend”
Him “Love to! I have some stuff to do but I’m sure I can get together.”

You “I don’t have any plans yet this weekend, let me know if you want to meet.”
Him “I’m free Sunday, make some plans”

You “I hope we can get together sometime before the new year”
Him “Um, sure, call you next week”

It sounds to me like he wanted you to say something like “Let’s do X on Sunday!” and when you didn’t he figured you weren’t all that keen on it. I’d suggest if he says he wants to get together, you say something like, “OK, let’s do X on [day]”. Don’t just keep hinting and wait for him to suggest something. At the very least, when he says, “let’s get together” say “OK, anything you’d like to do? Thursday’s good for me.”

You say you’ve asked him out twice – the way I’m reading the OP, it sounds like you said twice, “so, do you want to do something at some point?” That is not asking him out. Asking him out would be “Would you like to go out to dinner on Tuesday?” or “Would you like to go see Movie X on Thursday?”

I’d try actually asking him out and see what happens. If he says yes, you can go out and see what happens. If he says “No, I can’t do Tuesday, how’s Wednesday,” you’re also good. If he says “No” with any other vague or specific excuses, that is strike three, he’s out.

I think you’re reading too much into his “rejection.” He hasn’t said: “nope. busy.” and let that be the end of it. He has had prior commitments and at 5-weeks you can’t really expect him to blow them off for you (not that that is what you seem to expect.)

It sounds like he’s a busy guy. If he’s a teacher he may be the type who needs to get to bed early so that he can be fresh for his early morning classes and the weekdays are mostly taken up with prep and work and sleep.

Be patient. I’m sure he’ll have a free weekend soon and will spend lots of time with you. I don’t think you’re being blown off.


Gaudere and twickster have it right. lezlers, don’t just hint that you’re not doing anything on a particular day and expect him to make all the plans so you don’t have to lift a finger. Don’t expect him to magically know what you would enjoy doing.

Find the name of a movie you want to see, find what theater it’s playing at, and what time. Or pick a restaurant, and a time. And tell him you want to go there with him. Then, and only then, have you asked him on a date.

Maybe he won’t be able to make it exactly when are where you want, but at least get the ball rolling on making specific plans to be together. If he turns down all of your suggestions without offering any of his own, then you can start to wonder if he’s stringing you along.

I don’t have much to add, other than echo what others have said, maybe try to plan something specific.

But I thought I’d let you know, Demo and I are known to eat lunch from time to time, if you’d ever like some company, shoot one of us an email. :wink:

Well, asking him out on an actual date with a specific game plan appears to be the general consensus here. Most people have said it doesn’t sound like he’s blowing me off.

Now, it’s just a matter of being ballsy enough to do it. I think I’m a little afraid of getting shot down, as well as feeling a little sad trying for the third time in a row.

But what the hell, I’ve conquered bigger mountains than this!

Snake Legs, he teaches at night, once a week. And has two other weekly standing evening engagements. We both work regular 9 to 5 jobs and usually have stuff going on on the weeknights, which does make it a bit more difficult to plan stuff during the week.

psycat90, love to grab some lunch or hang out with you guys sometime, ya’ll are all about the fun! I’ll email you.

I agree with Thinks2Much.

Call. “Bill, I’m free for lunch next Wednesday. Can we get together?”

If he just says no, forget him. If he says he can’t make it but seems to have a backup plan (like a different date), go for it!

And good luck.

Yeah, asking a guy for a date is scary – but it’s doable.

And if he says no, you don’t actually die.

Believe it or not.