I have been using Internet personals to try and meet someone new. I had been looking on match.com for several months and had not been satisfied with the quality of guys I was meeting. I decided to give up on meeting someone via the Internet, but that only lasted about two weeks, as I was bored and tired of third wheeling my female friends and their SOs. I decided that maybe I should just try a different site instead.
I checked out Yahoo. There were many familiar faces, but several new ones, too. One profile jumped out at me. He sounded great! He was what I consider to be highly attractive, perfect age, perfect location, similar interests, also divorced, also has a child, plus his description of what he wanted in a woman sounded like me. I put up a profile (copied mine from match, basically) and sent him an ice breaker. The next day, he replied, including an email address so I didn’t have to pay to talk to him, but it would have been worth it to me to pay if he hadn’t. We went back and forth on email quite a bit, to the point where I don’t think either of us got any actual work done that day. He did mention he had already met someone who was “pretty cool” that he was still talking to “semi-regularly”. Ok, fine. I know how these personals things go, so I didn’t really worry about it too much at that point.
He is an engineer, as am I, for his day job, but he also works in bars on the weekends for fun, and mentioned I could stop by to see him anytime if I wanted to. I decided to take him up on it the next night - Friday (9/10). I told him I would stop by, but I did not give him a time. I was really nervous, so I didn’t manage to get up the nerve to go until about midnight (he had said he was usually there until about 1:30). I had kind of hoped I could hide in the crowd, make it in the door without him noticing, so that if I really chickened out, I could just leave. Well, no such luck. He was right next to the door when I walked in and recognized me right away. He gave me a hug hello, which I wasn’t really expecting, but was a nice surprise. He told me immediately that I was much more attractive in person than in my photo, which was funny, because I thought the same thing of him (but didn’t say so – I was too flustered). Being honest, I think I am fairly attractive in terms of facial beauty, as long as you like my style, but I am not the thinnest girl in the world, so I am used to being avoided by men more than being catered to. He told me he had been watching for me all night, and had given up on my showing, and thanked me for coming. He hung out with me when he could, bought me a couple of beers, and generally we hit it off well, despite him being at work and all.
After he finished work, we went out for a bite to eat at IHOP. I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted to spend more time with him (We each drove our own cars), and IHOP was the only place we could think of that was open at 2am at night. We sat and talked until 3:30 about everything from quantum physics to Nietzsche to personality types. He walked me out to my car, gave me a hug and a short kiss on the lips - closed mouth. He told me the next day that he was really impressed that I was so intelligent and it was some of the deepest conversation he had lately, especially for someone he was dating, but for clarity’s sake, we were not dating. Uh, ok. I don’t usually kiss people I am not dating, but fine, I left that one alone, for the moment.
We talked on the phone both Saturday and Sunday that first weekend and it was still amazing. So, I told him on Monday that I was free Wednesday night. He let me choose what to do. I wanted to have a picnic or something like that because the weather has been so beautiful, but we decided by the time we got off work, it would be too dark. He offered to take Thursday off work so maybe we could go to a forest preserve or something to enjoy the weather, but we could talk about a plan on Wednesday. I was flattered he would take a vacation day for me, so I scheduled one for Thursday, too. I suggested pool for Wednesday night, he agreed. We met in the parking lot, and it was a little awkward at first. I put my hand in his as we walked in, but it was a hesitant connection. There are an awful lot of double entendres in pool, though, so we loosened up quickly, despite the fact that he wasn’t drinking at all and I had one glass of wine. We made some open-ended wagers, hinting that they were sexual in nature, and he won them all, but he would never say what he wanted. There was NO ONE else in that part of the bar, so we were really kind of all over each other within a couple of hours. I am not one for public displays of affection, so it wasn’t like we stood there and made out, but there was lots of hugging, back rubs, and simple kissing. We threw Simpsons and Seinfeld and other quotes at each other on a regular basis. Not only was the conversation sharp and witty and fun, but the sexual tension was as thick as the Florida air at noon in the middle of July after a sun storm. He suggested we blow that Popsicle stand - maybe we could rent a movie. Wrong - I had known him less that a week, I didn’t want him to know where I live. I told him I didn’t have a chance to clean up and I was too embarrassed to have him see my house like that (partially true…) He refused to let me go to his house, either. So I suggested we go listen to music and take a drive. We decided to take my car because he had left his windows open, it had rained while we were inside, and the seats were wet. It was a good thing we didn’t decide to do the picnic thing that night because the weather ended up terrible, anyhow. We got in the car, I got it started, but we didn’t leave because NOW we were making out. After a while, he pointed out that it was really bright in this parking lot and we should go somewhere else. I asked if he knew of anywhere to go, he said no, nowhere that the police wouldn’t be patrolling. Well, I did know of somewhere, about 15 minutes away (when you’re a single parent, you have to have options other than home, like being a teenager all over again.)
So, I drove us to the place I knew of. We didn’t go all the way, but he got what I call the signature service. 
It really was a perfect match of styles and desires… I couldn’t have dreamed a more perfect sequence, and told him at one point that I thought I must be dreaming – he countered that he was the one who must be dreaming! He said some wonderful things about what he thought about me as well. It was pouring rain this whole time, so it was now humid for real in the car, but we didn’t care. I asked playfully if we were dating yet, and he called me a smart ass, but didn’t actually give me an answer. He talked and talked and talked - about his childhood, his adventures, his job, his family, his pets. He talked like I was part of his life now – WHEN I met his best friend, when this, when that, where up until that point he had been very careful to always say “IF”. I listened and jumped in here and there, but I didn’t share nearly as many details about myself - he was on a roll and I didn’t want to interrupt. We would stop talking from time to time to listen to the music, and I have some quirky music tastes. However, he said he really liked my favorite artist and I offered to burn him a disk of his stuff, which he was very appreciative of. He can really sing, too, so he sang along with a few songs here and there and just melted me even further, as there is nothing sexier than a guy who can sing well.
He apologized for monopolizing the conversation on the way back to his car, but I told him not to worry, I loved listening and I would get even, because once you get me going, I don’t shut up. We parted ways about 11pm. He told me he would call me the next day late morning or early afternoon for our vacation day. As I drove home, I was on absolute cloud 9. Not only was he smart, funny, and sexy, he thought I was the same. We liked all the same things, both high and low brow. I have never had such a terrific date in my whole life. I called my friend who was my back-watcher, the one who would turn him into the police if I didn’t turn up, and left her a glowing review of my evening. Not only was he smart, he was also fun. We laughed together so easily, sharing the same off-beat sense of humor.
Well, he called me the next day at 11am, but rather than the funny, lively, wonderful guy I was out with the night before, he was now very quiet. I had to drag one word answers out of him. I had gotten up at 7am to clean the house so he could come over, as I wasn’t worried about him being a “stranger” anymore, and I wanted to prove to him I had nothing to hide. On the phone, he agreed to come over, then we would decide what to do. After he showed up at 12:30, he told me he needed to leave at 3. Here I took the day off for this, and he is being moody and is in a hurry to leave… but fine. We walked to a hot dog stand and brought the food back to my house to be outside as we had originally wanted. I asked him as we were walking hand in hand -comfortably this time- what was the matter. He said that he had a lot on his mind, and that I shouldn’t take it personally, but offered no more explanation than that. So now it was my turn to monopolize the conversation, since he was not talking. I told him all kinds of things - probably a lot I shouldn’t have about why my marriage failed and such, but I couldn’t help it. Without him saying much, I kind of got on a roll and couldn’t stop. He had started it, though - he asked. At some point I told him that I was thinking about bringing some friends to visit him at work on Saturday (a different bar than the one I met him at), and he said I shouldn’t bother. The place is a dive. After we ate, I asked what we should do, and he had no ideas. I suggested a movie. So, he picked Time Bandits out of my collection of DVDs. We sat on the couch and I rested my head on his shoulder. He adjusted after a while so we were more lying down, with me in the crook of his arm, head on his chest. We watched the movie for about an hour like that and didn’t talk much, but it was a cozy thing. I stroked his legs and arms rather absentmindedly as we watched the movie. He was responsive, but never seemed interested in doing anything other than watching the movie, which is a perfect waste of an empty house on such a short time span, to my way of thinking. I listened to his heartbeat as I lay there, so when I heard it speed up, I decided it was time to make a move. We stopped paying attention to the movie and lay down to make out on the couch, (he did make the first move to truly lay down) but the arm rest was too high to use as a pillow and still kiss properly, and in general it wasn’t particularly comfortable. I suggested we go to the bedroom. He said he was not sure if he wanted to go, it depended on why. I said just for more room, taking the hint that he didn’t want to go all the way.
We moved to the bedroom and basically repeated the actions of the night before without going any further. He was slightly more subdued than the night before, but being the middle of the day with the windows open, I thought it made sense. I said something nice about him as we were lying there afterward (I think I said something about being lucky or happy), to which he replied that I had only known him for a week, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. It wasn’t like I said I loved him or wanted to marry him, just that I felt lucky to have him there.
When it was time for him to go, I offered to let him borrow the DVD so he could see the rest, but he declined, saying he wouldn’t have time to watch it any time soon. He said goodbye, said he would call me the next afternoon, and left. I sent him an email after he left saying what a great time I had, and how I respected him for not wanting to go all the way, but he can only check email from work, and he was taking Friday off, too, so I knew he wouldn’t see the email until Monday. I also wrote that I suspected that part of what was bothering him was that we were taking things too fast, and I said that I wasn’t trying to rush things, I just wanted him to know what I thought of him and that we could go as slow as he wanted. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t forget that he was still “talking” to someone else as well, but I said nothing.
He didn’t call that Friday like he said he would. When I called his cell phone later on Friday (8:30pm), it rang twice and went to his voice mail, which implies to me that he sent me to voice mail on purpose (Thinking in my head that he could be out with the other girl…) So, let’s look at his pattern – he is quiet and moody, doesn’t accept my compliments anymore, won’t borrow anything from me, no longer wants me to visit him at work, doesn’t call when he said he would, and doesn’t take my call. Plus now he had seen me buck naked in broad daylight, and I am not exactly happy with my body. How could he go from so happy go-lucky to so moody in 12 hours? It would be one thing if he got moody as I was telling him my mess of a story, but he was crappy on the phone long before that. I hadn’t done anything in between dropping him off and talking to him the next morning. Well, by Saturday morning, I assumed he was going to pull the disappearing act on me, as seems to be acceptable in the realm of internet dating, and I was all depressed. But just at my lowest point of depression (it really sucks to try to care for a small child alone while being incredibly depressed!), he called (about 4pm), however he didn’t mention anything about why he didn’t call the day before, and I didn’t want to pry, so I said nothing. I did ask him if whatever was bothering him on Thursday was better, and he said no, it still wasn’t resolved (again, I was thinking it was that he has to choose between her and me). I offered to listen, if he wanted to talk. He said as I got to know him better, I would come to find he tends to internalize things. I mentioned something I had said in the voice mail I had left him the night before, and he said he hadn’t had a chance to check his messages yet. But still, he called again Sunday. However, both phone conversations that weekend were rather strained – he wasn’t Mr. One-Word answers, but we struggled to find things to talk about. No more Nietzsche, no more Simpsons, even. I told him on Sunday that I was free on Wednesday (9/22) again and would like to see him, if possible. He said he had to help a friend rebuild an engine either Tuesday or Wednesday, and he would let me know the next day if he could see me Wednesday. He sent a few short emails on Monday, but never mentioned his plans for the week, and never replied to the email from Thursday. I mentioned in another email to him that friends were having a BBQ on Sunday (9/27) and it would be cool if he could come. He ignored that part of my message. He told me he had broken his finger. I offered to kiss it and make it better. He ignored that, too.
He did not call Monday night. He told me me via email Tuesday morning (yesterday) that his mother is coming into town on Wednesday (today) so he can’t see me, and that her birthday is Sunday, so he can’t go to the BBQ either. He had told me on that great night that his mom was coming to visit soon, even hinted that I might meet her, but I had the impression when he told me that it was going to be a few weeks away, so while I was somewhat surprised of the timing, it wasn’t a completely foreign concept. This news that I would not see him for at least a week could not have been timed worse, as I was having a horrible day on several other fronts as well. I replied saying that I understood, but I asked him to do me a favor. I thought I put it nicely, but I said that if he doesn’t want to see me again, that he should just tell me. He got angry - said that I should give him the benefit of the doubt, that he is just gun-shy because he feels real potential with me. He said it was inappropriate and scary that we were having such a conversation after only two dates (he said all this via email). I (probably over-) apologized, explained myself, and also stated that when I am upset, I have a tendency to say too much and dig myself in deeper. He replied, word for word – with virtually no other words in the message, “Let me breathe - and put down that shovel”. This was about 2pm yesterday. And I haven’t heard from him since. I understand the shovel reference – he confirmed I was digging myself a deeper hole and should just shut up. I didn’t quite get the breathing part – if I was suffocating him in the figurative sense, if I was literally causing him a panic attack (as he had informed me he had one the night before our big date and couldn’t breathe or sleep), or if I was not letting him get a word in edgewise, I don’t know.
As far as my plan, I am not initiating contact again – if I ever talk with him again, he will have to contact me. (Although I am tempted to send him a wave file quote of Bugs Bunny when he says “ok, I’ll shut up. I’m not one to go on when I’m told to shut up, some people can’t shut up but not me etc”, to try and lighten the mood…) I don’t know how long I will have to wait to decide if I am never going to hear from him again or what. I didn’t think I was pushing that hard – I thought that we had established that we were speaking on a nearly daily basis. It wasn’t like I introduced him to my child, it wasn’t like I was hounding him. I almost always let him call me first. I did say a lot of positive things about him, but that is just the way I am – I wear my heart on my sleeve. I never made any assumptions about the future. I stuck to talking in the present, no more than a week out. I was trying to let him know what a great guy I thought he was – and he had done the reverse, at first, anyway. I told him I wasn’t in any rush. I never invited myself anywhere. I can’t help it that I have to make babysitting arrangements and so I can’t be so spontaneous. (His child lives out of state so he doesn’t have that problem.) All I ever did was try to give him an idea of when I was available.
Life sucks. I had what felt like it could have developed to be the most promising relationship in years, and I screwed it up by sharing too many of my positive thoughts, and by (accidentally) insinuating that he was playing games and trying to pull the disappearing act. But tell me, wouldn’t you have thought the same thing, if someone went from hot to cold so quickly and refused to talk about it, and you knew they were talking to someone else as well? Do you think I’ll hear from him again? There is another part of me that thinks maybe I am well rid of him, if he is going to act so manic depressive. Maybe he really is MD? He had mentioned he is a touch obsessive compulsive – in particular about washing his hands. Do the two tend to come in pairs? How do you deal with an MD? Share your thoughts. Cheer me up… sigh. He was so wonderful, we had so much in common, he was so what I am looking for, so unique, so HOT, too! It is a very small pool of fish indeed that are of his caliber, who would actually be interested in me. 
I give up. I think I’ll go be a hermit in Alaska. Relationships aren’t worth it.
