I fear I am repeating an unhealthy pattern

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

For those of you wishing to mouse over, my unhealthy pattern has to do with internet dating and giving up too soon.

I considered posting this in the pit and pitting myself, but since my last thread was in MPSIMS, I decided to stay here. It is more mundane than flaming, anyway. I am very frustrated with the state of my life right now and with myself for letting it get to be such a mess, but I’ll keep it clean.

I posted the thread linked above last week, describing my interactions with one particular guy. As far as an update on that situation – I am still talking to him, but it is rather strained. I don’t know that we will be able to recover the awkwardness of the disparity we had. In one way, I am tempted to just give up. In another way, I feel like I should be patient and give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t have any real reason to leave him, other than a perceived lack of interest on his part, but he said he would tell me if that were the case. So, I am going to stick it out a little longer – try to be patient, and let him call it off if he truly decides he isn’t interested. I might be reading it wrong, so I refuse to act on any assumptions about his feelings. Yet in the back of my mind, I feel like it is just a matter of time before he goes. He has that emotional guard way up high, so I can’t get through. How can you know how someone truly feels when they put up walls? It’s not a good sign.

It is the fact that I am tempted to give up on him just because he wants to take things slow that gives me cause to write today. I have been doing this internet dating thing for about 10 months now and I am starting to worry about myself. I am wondering if I am getting addicted to the new relationship “high”. My pattern has been to meet a guy, think he is pretty great for the first week or two, and as I find out things, I lose interest rather quickly, then give up after a total of 6-8 weeks and head back to the drawing board. With the other three that lasted beyond one date, I was always the one to leave, with what I felt was good reasoning each time. But now I am tempted to leave a guy I have no reason to leave, just because I feel cheated out of the new relationship novelty feeling. Maybe you know what I am talking about – when you can’t wait to talk to or see each other, you talk on the phone for hours, you share your stories and thoughts and whatnot. Now I suspect myself of leaving the others for the same reason – in all cases, it was about the time when we seemed to settle into a routine that I left. Well, since the new guy wants to take things so slow, we are not allowed to feel that happy giddy feeling – not since that night we played pool. We talk every couple of days, but about nothing special. I have seen him once in person since posting in that other thread. (We watched a movie at his house, for those of you who said it was weird that he didn’t let me see his house – he had given the reason that his reptiles were all over while he did some rearranging. Well, they were all put back in their room when I was there and good grief, that room was stinky!!! I wouldn’t have wanted to be there if the whole house had smelled like that. So at least one detail he provided has checked out.) So the night I saw him was reasonably good, but not great like the night we played pool. We didn’t talk a whole lot outside of watching the movie and playing with his pets. We didn’t even really make out, no clothing was removed, but we did do some nice - innocently placed- cuddling while watching the movie.

I have had relationships last beyond the novelty stage. I was with my husband for 8 years. I recently dated a guy for two years. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think it is maybe that I set my standards too high, that I am too much of an idealist, and that I am never going to find what I am looking for because it doesn’t exist. As far as my recent track record, I left the first guy because he wouldn’t talk to me about anything out of his past or anything about his thoughts nor especially feelings, plus his house was a scary place, with guns and ammo lying about everywhere as well as the rest of a typical bachelor pad mess. When I stepped on a bullet on the kitchen floor and it was still there the next time I visited, I decided I was done. I left the second guy because he was obsessed with morbid things and feeling sorry for himself, plus his hygiene was atrocious. He did weird things like eat napkins. I swear he never brushed his teeth, even after I asked him to try to take better care of himself. We never agreed on anything, and he was easy to offend. I couldn’t talk to him, either. I left the next guy because he made me feel used. He never remembered ANYTHING I told him, plus he was just a cranky old man at heart, even if he was only in his thirties. He was always complaining about everything and everyone, he talked about his bowel movements quite often, and I suspected him of a violent streak. I wouldn’t say that any of them were crazy about me, either, but none of them would have ever left me, but not because I am some great prize. It was just that they seemed content to settle – anyone who was willing to have them around who didn’t give them too much trouble seemed to do.

I feel like the only person in the world who isn’t willing to settle. I feel like I am the only person who is really looking for a true connection – someone to be my confidante – and I his - someone who enjoys communicating about deep things as well as surface things. I want to feel like I can tell him anything, and know that anything I share will be met with at least acceptance, if not joy. I want a guy with strong opinions, in whose opinion I am the best thing since sliced bread. I don’t want the guy I find to feel like he has settled – that the position I am filling is just “warm body, not too annoying”. I want him to feel lucky to have me and for me to feel lucky to have him. When I do find someone who seems like he has the potential to be deep enough for me, he is too scared of being burned to actually follow through on that potential. I am willing to give it time to develop, but yet I don’t want to be fighting nature and trying to do so over big emotional guard walls, either. It is that deep connection that matters to me more than anything else – the rest is just fluff to me. I don’t care how tall he is, how old he is, where he lives, what he does for a living, what his past was like, or even what his hobbies are. (but please at least bathe, ok?) Why can’t I find that? My friends tell me to stop trying – when you stop looking is when it happens. Yeah, thanks, easier said than done.

I want to be confident. I want to let it slide off my back and just forget about it, but I don’t know how. I don’t want wallow in self-pity. But right now I can’t help it. I am upset with myself for being weak, for being impatient, for being an idealist, and for letting all this bother me way more than I should let it. I am living up to my user name and don’t know how to stop.

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This doesn’t sound abnormal or unhealthy to me. Quite the opposite – the worst thing you can do is date someone you otherwise wouldn’t solely because you think you should want to date them. Trust yourself, especially when it comes to relationships.

There’s nothing in what you’ve written that makes me think you’re rejecting potential soulmates. There’s nothing that says you can only leave a relationship if there’s something specifically wrong. Personally, I think if you’re not feeling a strong, mutual connection within a month, that’s a great reason to end it. Life is too short to waste in relationships with people you’re not into, or who aren’t into you.

3

Funny this sounds to me like the perfect ad for you…why don’t you try it? What have you got to lose?

Just copy and paste it into one of your ads and chances are you will find the right guy.

I agree with Giraffe, you are doing fine. With all relationships there will be a little “settling” but unhealthy and unhygienic practices are something I don’t think may self-respecting people could live with. Not that my house isn’t a mess, just not all the time.

You might want to change your view of online dating. Think of it as meeting new friends and let it go from there. What you said here leaves out the messes you have previously encountered and leaves room for the ones who have different faults. Probably ones you might be able to live with. :smiley:

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By the way…if you don’t want to use it…can I steal it from you??

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Thanks, Giraffe. I appreciate your vote of confidence that I am doing the right thing - it felt like it at the time. I just spent so much time second guessing myself that I can’t tell up from down anymore.

Sensualips - my profile does (or did, anyway - I took it down for now as I try to figure out what the hell I really want) say something to this effect, but I am honored if you want to use my description as well. :slight_smile:

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Thank you Thinks2much
Coming soon to a personals ad near you!

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On behalf of the whole male race, I can help redeem your view of us. If you’re interested, go to MPSIMS and check out the Icelandette thread :wink:

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Not to hijack, and not that this guy’s other, erm . . . qualities don’t leave him a bit lacking (ya gotta bathe and brush your teeth, man!), but is it possible that he suffers from pica and that’s why he eats napkins?

Just a thought . . .

As far as the rest of your OP . . . I’d say take your own advice. If you don’t want anybody “settling” for you, then I say don’t “settle” for anyone else! Sure, every relationship has crap ya gotta work through, but it doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of what you want out of any of the dating experiences you described. There has to be a baseline, y’know?

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Interesting - I was never aware of that condition, but after reading your link, I really don’t think he had pica. He didn’t eat anything else weird, and that link you provided says that it is very uncommon in average intelligence adults. He wasn’t stupid - just weird. He would rip the napkin up into small pieces, roll a piece into a ball, chew it for a while like gum, then swallow it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on settling as well. They are appreciated. :slight_smile:

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The only reason I’m aware of it is because my cousin has been diagnosed with it. AFAIK, the only “weird” thing she eats is sand.

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Thanks, Iceland_Blue. However, I live half the world away from you, am significantly older than you are, and divorced with a child and all that. We don’t have much in common. But I really appreciate the flirt! It made my day just the same. :smiley:

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I read the other thread (at the time) and I think part of what might be going on is that you seem to be jumping into relationship mode way to quickly. You said something like “he never ever did that before” in the other thread, and I remember thinking at the time that you it was odd phrasing to use with regard to someone you had known about two weeks.

Even in your descriptions of the other men, I don’t really read that you left them. I see it as you wanted a realtionship so badly that you ignored alarming signs until (thankfully) you knew you had to give up. It doesn’t seem like you were going along swimmingly and then all of the sudden decided the novelty was gone and you jumped ship.

You know, there’s a book making the rounds right now that may help. The author has been on a lot of talk shows lately. It’s called “He’s just not that into you” (I think). I haven’t read it, but from what I cld an gather, it’s geared to women who tend to make excuses for men (or believe excuses). It stresses that sometimes people just don’t click and gives you ways to know that you have, in fact, not clicked.

In any event, my advice in a nutshell would be to SLOW DOWN. Have fun, don’t overanalyze and let things take a certain course over weeks and months, not hours and days.

I hope that’s not too harsh – I don’t mean it to be.

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Sat on Cookie - No that wasn’t too harsh. I thought you put it very well. That is why I posted all this gunk - to try and get a fresh look at things and to possibly get some constructive criticism.

I will have to look into that book. Sounds like it might apply. Thanks for your input!

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Well, as always IANAGD (I am not a good dater) but my impression is that your user name is appropriate in this case, Thinks2Much! (insert smiley here)

It’s easy to get that “first date high,” when you’ve just met someone and you want to know everything about them and you’ve still got an infinite number of ways the relationship could turn out. The more you get to know someone, it can feel like closing doors on ways it could turn out as you start to realize how it’s really going to turn out.

But it’s important to keep in mind that that’s what you’re doing – you’re still figuring out how (and if) things are going to work out. I think that people are too used to thinking of relationships like they think of stories or movies, where all the dull bits are edited out, every moment is a notable moment in the development of The Great Romance, and everything is important because it’s predetermined to end in lifelong love.

The reality, though, is that there’s no guarantee it’s going to lead to something more, so you’ve got to stop thinking of it in those terms. You’ve got to try to stop asking, “Where is this going?” and start asking, “Am I enjoying myself now?” Remember that a long-term relationship isn’t made up entirely of blissed-out infatuation, like you describe pool night. There are highs, and lows, and a lot of just plain dull. And when you’re in a good one, you don’t realize it until you’re just sitting there and realize, “Hey, wait a second. When did I get happy?”

If y’all don’t “click,” it needs to be because it’s not working out right now, not because of something that might not work out later. What you see as his being emotionally guarded might just be that he’s taking his time.

Or in short, what Sat on Cookie said. Slow down, don’t overthink it, and just enjoy yourself.