I agree with everybody else who’s said “give him the chance to agree to go on one specific date with you, and judge his respose from that”. But I do have to say that even when a guy’s busy, if he wants to he’ll find some time to spend with you.
I’m dating a guy now who’s really super-busy - he probably works 80 hours a week with a long commute, too, and he travels with the stupid football team, so weekends are Right Out anyway. But generally he finds some time to see me every week or so, at least. I think he does feel bad that he dosen’t get to actually take me out a whole lot, as often he ends up calling around 10 and saying “Er, you wanna come watch a movie?” I think it’s difficult for him to make time to see me without making it look like he’s just always inviting me over for sex. Maybe your guy, too, is worried about how some pattern of his behavior will look?
Anyway, yes, ask him on a specific date you arrange. “Er, could we do it Wednesday instead? Or next Tuesday? Let me get back to you with my schedule” is an okay response, “Um… I dunno…” isn’t. At that point, feel free to either squish it or ask him what’s up.
I wouldn’t make too big a deal out of two weekends, but I do have a few questions… Did he say anything about the play afterwards? Email you about how great it was? Mention what the name of it was? That kind of thing. Same for the wedding scenario. Does he ever mention these plans in advance, or only in response to you asking him (however vaguely) out?
He mentioned both the play and the wedding before any hints were dropped. He didn’t mention the play at all last night, but our conversation took off on another tangent and I totally forgot to ask him about it. He menioned in an email this week that he had a good time, though (I hadn’t asked about it).
He went into detail about the wedding last night and all of the various tasks he’s been randomly assigned to. I’ve got no doubt that these engagements are in fact, happening. Which is cool, I’ve got a busy weekend as well, during the days. It sounds as if he’s got the opposite happening, free days, busy evenings. Our schedules just don’t seem to be matching up. The only time I can anticipate we’d both be available is late Sunday afternoon or Monday evening. It’s literally that or next Saturday, the way our schedules are.
So if I’m asking him out this week it’s got to be for late Sunday afternoon (i’m thinking coffee) or Monday evening (movie?). But that’s it until next weekend. Anyone think those dates are too soon to ask about?
Sunday and Monday are both close enough that you’d come across as spontaneous, not desperate. Say something like “It sucks that we’re both so busy – any chance you can get away to Starbucks for an hour Sunday afternoon, or maybe Monday after work?” If you’re nervous about asking him out, coffee is much lower risk than a “date-date.”
Lez we’ve had several threads in common and you’ve always come across as intelligent, independant, and funny. Life’s too short to be subtle. If you like the guy let him know it. Ask him over to your house for dinner one night. It’s just two minutes away and everyone has to eat. If you know what his interests are, then ask him to a ??? ballgame, concert, movie…
I like entertaining at home myself but that’s me. I’m a damned good cook too, so that doesn’t hurt either.
If the guy is so dense that you think he might not have gotten the message, you’re going to have to be blunt.
I’m reading between the lines but it seems like you implied there’s been some intimacy in the date at his house you described. If so, then he knows exactly what time it is and is definitely giving you the brush off.
If not, then you are just gonna have to make the first move. We guys can be pretty dense sometimes.
Just kiss the guy and see how he reacts.
If you just don’t have that boldness in you…send him an invitation. Give him a nice card with a little note or send him some flowers. Believe me, MOST guys are impressed when a woman thinks enough to send flowers. It is a VERY rare thing in a man’s life. It’ll get results.
In any event, don’t let this get you down sweetheart…there’s plenty more of us out here who’d jump at the chance to be with a good woman.
take care… t/k
We were pretty intimate on our last date, and would have been completely intimate had either of us been prepared. If you know what I’m saying. And I think you do. Which is what’s also getting me. He knows if/when we get together again most likely he’ll be getting some action. A little tiny part of me is wondering if he might be avoiding seeing me for just that reason, god only knows why. He’s never been shy about making the first move.
I’m a damned good cook as well and in fact, he asked me on our first date if I’d cook him something (I’m vegan, so he wanted to try some of the vegan items I claimed I can make edible).
And flowers? Really? As a guy, you wouldn’t be embarrased by that? I’m a girl, and unless they’re sent to my home, I’d rather not have all that attention on me. I’ve had men bring me flowers when I was waiting tables and I always wanted to just sink right on down into the floor!
I think I’ll email him and ask him to coffee Sunday afternoon or dinner Monday evening. I’ll let ya’ll know how it pans out.
I am not too sure about the flowers suggestion, either. My ex-husband, and many other men I’ve known, have been extremely uncomfortable with receiving flowers, whether at work (although this is definitely the worst for them) or at home. A hit if he’s comfortable with it, but a pretty bad miss if he’s not.
Well, now that you mention he should know the next time you see him that there will be full action, a thought occurs to me. Maybe he is avoiding it because he has stage fright. I used to think guys who hadn’t gotten some in a long time would jump at the chance, but actually, if they go too long in between, they are afraid they will be rusty and not make a good impression. Since you haven’t been talking about deep stuff, it isn’t something he is comfortable telling you that he is worried about… and he doesn’t want to disappoint you by turning you down in person, so he avoids seeing you all together.
I don’t vote for flowers, either, by the way. Even if he happens to be the kind of guy who likes flowers, too desperate for the circumstances, I think. Better in the context of a more serious relationship.
Most guys don’t embarrass that easily. They might act like it, but secretly it’s an ego booster. They’ll maybe try to act like it doesn’t effect them and play the macho crap but they’ll usually turn it into the chance to strut a bit. A few high fives maybe on the outside and a couple of way to go’s…etc. But inside they’re thinking, “damn she really does care”.
Sorry guys if I’m giving away any union or trade secrets but I’ve been through a lot lately and well…sometimes honesty really is the best policy.
good luck lez
BTW
This was only one suggestion. It’d work for me…and did once upon a time. Back when I thought it wasn’t something that you’d do for a guy. I’m just telling you how it affected me and some others I’ve known.
Guy checking in here. It sounds like he basically has you on-deck. That is to say, if he doesn’t have plans with his buds or something else he would rather do, he’s willing to give you a call.
I don’t know about that. That’s something a few beers will cure. For most guys, their wanting to get laid eventually overides performance anxiety. Now some guys are more nervous than others about when its the right time to make the move. The obvious walls being first kiss and getting nekid.
You’re going to make me say it directly, huh? Keep in mind this is a 40 year old man here. He might have some minor Erectile Dysfunction problems he is nervous about - even the healthiest, normalest guys you can imagine have a touch of ED now and then. I date nothing but men in this age range, and while they can get started, they can’t finish and that is embarrassing, especially to a guy dating a 26 year old who is used to young guys who are more likely to have premature problems than his problem.
I would say definitely no on the flowers. I don’t even know if I’d bother asking him out specifically. Contrary to the popular opinion in this thread, I don’t think he’s that in to you. Classic response when you LIKE a person but you’re not really that into him – the IDEA of getting together sounds good, especially when you’re talking to him, and you feel mean saying no, and the person is an enjoyable person, etc., but actually setting up a time and a date to do it seems stifling. What if something more exciting comes up? I don’t mean to seem harsh, but I think it’s fairly obvious he doesn’t want to make plans. You’ve given him ample opportunity. Next time he calls, be pleasant and nice and get off as soon as you can. Be the one to hang up, seem busy. In the meantime, go on a date or dates with other people, so that you genuinely are busy. If he IS into you, your sudden unavailability will force him into action. If he’s not, who cares, you’re on to other stuff.
Assuming he’s not a dum-dum (or is it dumb-dumb?), it sounds like you’ve made it really clear that you’re interested in getting together. For whatever reason, he’s not exerting a lot (any?) effort to make that actually happen. I say mosey on down the road.
Well, the only thing you can 100% conclusively determine from the behavior described in the OP is that you’re dating a man. So if there were any doubts about that, you can put those to rest.
As for the rest of it, hard to say. He’s not giving you the brush-off, or if he is he’s just spectacularly inept at it. Think about it: the reason a guy gives someone the brush-off is because he doesn’t even want to devote the time and energy to cutting it off completely. Which means he simply does not initiate contact. It’d be different if you were calling him and he was being nice and polite and then you never heard from him again. If you’re giving someone the brush-off, that means you just don’t want to do anything to risk having to talk to them.
What I would guess is that the relationship, at least to him, isn’t about infatuation/passion but just taking it gradually and figuring out where it’s going to go and how it’s going to fit in with the rest of his life. You could interpret that as “stringing you along,” or keeping you “on-deck,” but I don’t suspect that’s going on, or at least not consciously. I mean, you’re not the single most important thing in his life – but is that where y’all are at right now, anyway? Is he the single most important thing in your life? After five weeks?
One thing to ask yourself: you said before that the age difference was a big issue to you. Could it be an issue to him, but he didn’t have a message board to turn to to work everything out? That might explain some of the hesitation.
And I’d definitely say no to the flowers. No offense intended at all to t-keela, but I have to seriously question the idea that MOST guys are impressed by receiving flowers. The two times I’ve gotten them, I had no idea what to do with them, and it even came across as a challenge.
I agree that you should ask him on a definite date at a definite time and place. You’ll never get anywhere always trying to interpret what he’s saying or doing.
I would suggest not doing that by e-mail. In a good e-mail conversation, there can be multiple threads going at once, and it’s hard to make one idea stand out. And it just doesn’t have the immediacy and momentum of a real conversation. Doing it by phone is okay, and it’s not really a case of pressuring him, but ask him in a way that he has to answer.
I know how hard it is to ask someone out, point blank, and I know how much it sucks to be turned down. But there are times when you have to do it. Whatever his answer, you’ll be a stronger person if you can do that.
Fortunately, I got called into a last minute second interview for this job I’m going after a few minutes after I sent it, which cut down on the anxious nail biting time. When I returned to the office, he had responded.
I used twickster’s (thanks) “it sucks both of our schedules are so busy”
Ah, hell. I’ll just cut and paste my email:
"It sucks that we’ve both been so busy lately, I’m beginning to forget
what you look like! Any chance you can get away for an hour to get some
coffee Sunday afternoon or grab some dinner Monday evening?
Let me know."
He declined the Sunday coffee as he had to prepare for something that evening, but took me up on the Monday dinner offer. I told him about the second interview and he said he’s looking forward to hearing some good news on Monday. So yay!
I’m glad I sent that email before I read tasseract and Sat on Cookie’s responses, or else I definitely would’ve chickened out. Now I just have to sit here and wonder “I hope he wasn’t just being polite…”
