One if the weird functions of funerals is they are often the last time we see people. Like, my grandmother has siblings living, and they have kids. I saw them at her funeral, but likely never will again.
Presumably this funeral will be the last time your wife sees a ton of people, including half siblings, their kids, a whole branch. It’s a reason to keep things bland and mildly positive. That’s a good note to end things on.
So a man goes to a newspaper stand, picks one up, glances over the front page, and puts it back. The newsseller says “Sir, would you like to buy a copy?”, and the man says “No, I’m just checking the obituaries.” “But sir, the obituaries aren’t on the front page.” “The sunovabitch I’m waiting for will be.”
(first told during the Nixon era, but it still works)
Back on topic, you should tell the truth and nothing but the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth. Everyone has some good features; tell those. And if there aren’t many good features, then keep it short.
A public funeral will have a cross section of people that will include those that know the family history intimately, those that knew the deceased in a different way such as through work and those showing support for family members. There is no reason to dump dirty laundry on them. I would feel extremely uncomfortable and possibly pissed off if I went to a funeral (which I hate) to show support and I get subjected some sort of tirade as an audience member. It will not have the desired effect. If there is dirty laundry air it out in private. If you hate the deceased don’t go to the funeral.
Several folk have made observations similar to this. I guess I thought it would be POSSIBLE - possibly even desirable - to present SOME negatives in a manner that fell far short of a “tirade.”
IMO, to not mention those negatives would be a disservice to those who experienced those aspects of the deceased.
No - I’m not a fan of big wakes/funerals/memorial services. Tho in a rare instance, it can be worthwhile to learn how the decedent was viewed by and interacted with different people differently. When my best buddy from work died 20 years ago, it was so neat to meet so many other folk, who also consider George to have been their best buddy - tho they interacted with him in ways entirely differently than I.
Hey its just my opinion. A funeral/eulogy/obituary is not a legal requirement. If the dead guy is a bastard don’t have one. If there is one and you hate them don’t go. Anything you need to say about the dead guy can be said in a different setting. If I was there from a third party point of view and have to sit there through a negative eulogy I’m going to think more negatively towards the eulogist than the corpse. Its an individual choice but I would never give a eulogy like that and and I would not want to be a spectator either.
I think eulogies should be honest if there is any decent chance the deceased will straighten up and fly right as a result.
Otherwise, a higher priority is to entertain and hearten the people in the audience.
A statement made by the preacher at a church I was attending a funeral that has stuck with me-
“Remember the best, forget the rest”
I.e. they are dead and you can’t change them or the past.
If you have some folks whom you know to be like-minded, I don’t see why you couldn’t get some booze and appetizers and roast the guy later on…
"He was a successful man, honored by his peers. His only failing, perhaps, was that he loved too much, some might even say two times too much. He was an inventive man, and a man of words, oftentimes words of such invention that they seemingly defy reality. He loved all people, equally, of most races and genders. He leaves behind him a legacy of intense fervor that will not dissipate quickly or easily.
This joke appears in the book “Washington at War” with FDR being the subject.
However, it wouldn’t surprise me that much if someone could trace the joke back to Julius Caesar:
“Citizen, why dost thou listen only to the first announcement of the town crier…”
I LOVE it! 
While walking the dog this a.m., I asked my wife what she would put in an “honest” eulogy. What she suspected would me most challenging was that she anticipate many folk coming up to her and saying how he was “like a father to them.” Which will be hurtful, as she did not perceive such emotion toward his actual children.
She observed that he had a very strong sense of ethics, but his sense of right and wrong did not necessarily reflect common conventions. For example, I recall him saying he deserves MORE credit, because most men do not support ONE family in the style he supported TWO! 
My wife anticipates the memorial being a marathon to be withstood, and desires to play as minor of a role as possible. Sounds like it is going to be a mammoth event. Which is going to be interesting because his Fanny Dashwood of a 2d wife always bitches about spending money on anything other than directly on her children. I’m intending to simply do whatever I can do to support my wife in whatever way she wishes. She hopes it will be somewhat of an end to the long drama that her father fostered.
That’s kind of what I was thinking. Could @Dinsdale’s wife and her sisters have their own little “memorial” where they got to say what they really thought of the old bastard, without the pressure to keep up appearances?
Yeah - some of that HAS been going on already, and I assume will continue for some time.
One of the things I wish would’ve been different, is the amount of psychic energy this bastard took up throughout our marriage. The hours we have spent discussing him and trying to figure things out - and how to deal with them. The countless times we got together w/ her family, to have them bitch about latest developments.
One problem - as you can imagine - is that this dynamic has fucked w/ each of the sibs in different ways. The one sister who lives far away and will be coming in has some - ahem - psychological/personality issues, and my wife and she have never been close. But she and her other sister have spoken on the phone just about every day.
As you might imagine, I sense many of the rest of our friends and family are somewhat tired of hearing about the old bastard over these many decades. But she does have me and our kids, and a couple of closest friend, with whom she can talk.
My Dad was an engineer who was an extreme workaholic and drank way too much. He was very successful and very well credentialed and was a corporate vice president and was loved by his co-workers. He was still working full time until the day that he dropped dead a couple of weeks before his 80th birthday. He didn’t need to work. He had a rags to riches life story. He was, for the most part, a righteous prick to his kids and both wives (sequential, not at the same time) 
. He alienated nearly all of his friends.
I was an engineer who worked very hard, had no interest in management and retired last year at 56. I take on the very occasional consulting gig that amuses me.
I wrote his newspaper obit at the request of my stepmom and it gave a very brief biographical synopsis where I mentioned the family and then focused on his career. I did a similar thing for the eulogy but referenced how difficult he was by telling a couple of funny stories. I closed with relating one of the few truly happy memories that I had with him
Good luck to you and your wife in this difficult time.
“Dan Fielding was a … mammal.”
I’ve got some pretty wretched relatives. But since I haven’t had a go at them in life, it would be petty to do it over their corpses. Also, I think eulogy is a great time to reflect on the decedent’s assholishness and try to see the world through their eyes as you understood them. I’ve got maybe three warm memories of my mom, and a box set extended edition of negatives. But I know how she was raised, and where, and I can understand why her instincts were what they were, and that in her twisted calculus she was always going for the right answer. And I can recognize the strength it must have taken to stay focused on what she thought was the right answer despite all the crying and screaming it evoked. I don’t believe in evil. I believe in people not understanding one another and the conflict that can come from that. Such a eulogy could be wrapped up with a plea for those in attendance to try and honestly reflect on someone living whom they find troublesome, and maybe identify and acknowledge a nugget of good in them before they croak.
I don’t know about your mom, but if my mother-in-law ever ends up in hospice or similar end-of-life accommodation, she is definitely getting a stripper. And it will be entirely because of your post. She will die with a smile on her face.
One of my friend’s had a son who died of an overdose this year. For ten years he made his parents life a living hell, financially ruining them and even physically terrorizing them. His younger sister’s life was pretty hellish in his wake.
But in the parents eyes he could do no wrong. Everything was someone else’s fault.
His funeral was quite well attended, and speaker after speaker praised the deceased. This was like twisting a knife the daughter’s heart.
I don’t think it’s fair to the deceased or especially the deceased’s family to trot out a bunch of beefs that they have no way of defending against in a more or less public event. I mean people are generally there to celebrate a person’s life, not celebrate their death.
That being said when I was growing up a high school boy who was a lifeguard somehow got his foot caught in a rope anchoring the swimming area lines and drowned. It was a big tragedy in the community. He was a lifeguard, Eagle Scout, top student, talented long distance runner, a junior pillar of the community. One of the girls at the funeral, maybe 12 or 13 at the time was crying not because he was dead, but because she couldn’t understand why nobody said anything about his sexual abuse of her and apparently other girls in the community. This was in the late 1970s.
Fast forward to our current social media era. A beloved soccer coach died and his obituary was posted on a town page in Facebook. A bunch of his former female students, now women in their 40s and 50s came out in force and denounced him for his sexual abuse and the abuse from other teachers was brought up. I was surprised and at the same time not totally surprised because in my own little band world one of the senior girls and a teacher had some sort of relationship going outside of school.
At my Uncle’s funeral, my cousin during his eulogy said he was the reason he and my siblings hadn’t gathered together for over 30 years and that he drove my Auntie to the mad house. I didn’t care about their family issues, but thought it was unfair to my Auntie who was there in a wheelchair and seemingly not there, but you never know.
Another cousin (his brother), while my brother and I were joking after the service about how my Uncle was a man of few words, told us “Your Dad really screwed up!” and walked away. My Dad passed away years before… F**k you to my cousins who I haven’t seen since and hopefully never will again!
Mama said, If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything!
After the service of a co-worker, his brother came to talk to us and said, “You know, he was gay.”. Duh! He was very open about that and that didn’t make us love or care about him any less! He was a super nice guy!
Let’s see - tomorrow will be a week, and there has not yet been an obit either in the paper or on-line. No idea of the 2d wife’s motivations (I suspect cheapness), but I’m sure the dead guy woulda wanted a nice write-up.
Still no obit. Supposedly whatever is being drafted has no mention of my MIL - wife #1. I guess if there had been a contentious divorce, an obit/memorial might to mention the 1st spouse. But the way things are being done is sorta creating the impression that my wife’s family was “illegitimate.”
What is curious (tho not to be unexpected) is the extent to which various people are re-inventing history recent and remote. From on kid saying wife 2 had been with him when he died ( she wasn’t) to multiple references to him having done things with his “wife” (2d wife) - things that happened when he was still married to my MIL.
I suggested to my wife that she might want to invite her in-town sib over for dinner, to process things how they want. Or to zoom w/ their out-of town sib (who is kinda nutty). We’ll see.
Memorial isn’t until 1/9. IMO, that is too long after the death. Unnecessarily protracts the mourning period.