So the memorial is planned for Sunday. That has been a long time since the death to process things. Thought you might get a chortle out of recent developments at my wife’s expense.
We have every expectation that FIL left everything to his 2d wife and their 2 kids. But it turned out that there might have been a life insurance policy that was supposed to be maintained for the benefit of wife #1 - with the residual to my wife and her 2 sisters.
Long story short, my wife tracked it down, and there IS a valid life insurance policy. Took a little detective work, as it was held in a trust established in 1979. But the dead fucker amended it in 1985, to expressly remove my wife as a beneficiary, and to add the 2 bastards from wife #2. (1985 was when my wife first learned her dad was a bigamist, and she said some pretty direct things to him. Coincidentally, she learned of it a couple of weeks after we started dating.). So the $120k will be divided between my wife’s 2 full sibs, and 2 half sibs.
So we’re going to go to this Covid superspreader event, w/ my wife knowing that not only did wife #2 scheme to write the first family out of everything, but the dead asshole expressly wrote my wife out of this insurance policy.
Fortunately, we don’t need the $. But DAMN, it is going to be hard hearing people talk about what a great guy this asshole was. I am going to be biting my tongue…
If you are worried about how YOU are going to be spoken of at your funeral, memorial service etc. Then I would suggest going and making those amends, repairing those relationships, etc. while you are still living. Otherwise, c’est la vie!
@Dinsdale I hope your wife is able to get something out of this impending shit show. This event, her participation in it, should be for her. Not the bigamist dad, not the second wife, the other kids, or even her own full siblings, for her.
Thx. I’m really bracing for a tough weekend. I’m doing my best to support her absolutely, while sublimating any of my own feelings/thoughts. This morning she asked me if I was feeling any sadness or anything about his passing. I honestly answered, “No.” I did not go so far as to tell her I was glad the asshole was dead, and was looking forward to when we might (hopefully) never deal with his 2d family again.
Her somewhat unstable older sister is flying in from out of state - as are several other relatives. The 2 full sisters are coming over for dinner Fri. I assume that will be THEIR version of a wake. The sister has a history of flying off the handle. Might add an extra dollop of shit to the show Sunday. It is gonna be really challenging to hear all these folk sing the dead guy’s praises…
The “Don’t speak ill of the dead” phrase goes back to Ancient Rome and Greece, 6th Century BCE: De mortuis nil nisi bonum - Wikipedia
As one might imagine it’s been challenged many times since then.
Dinsdale, it must be really rough to be in your wife’s position right now and it’s good that she has you to support her. She has my respect for taking the high road and not stooping to the level of her dad and stepmom.
Yesterday we met the lawyer who drafted the insurance trusts, and he gave my wife FIL’s file. In addition to 2 (ambiguously drafted) trusts, it also included a WILL!
Dated in 1979 - when the 2 half sibs were already born, but naming only wife #1 and my wife and her 2 sibs. Under state law, it would be a felony to NOT file an ostensibly valid will. So estate hijinks will apparently continue!
I suggested to my wife that it would be considerate to hand copies of the docs to wife #2 at the memorial on Sunday…
That’s because when they said that, they thought the dead had POWERS. I think you can, and should, speak ill of the dead, especially if they were right bastards.
Given that, just avoid funerals of said bastards. Just because you were related to them doesn’t make them family. They aren’t owed a thing.
It’s certainly the “kind” thing to do, wouldn’t want wife #2 blindsided by the will that the lawyers are legally required to file. #2 should make sure to get a hold of the new will (presuming it exists) so that FIL’s money goes where it’s “supposed to”.
Especially murder victims. So many of them are outstanding people with lives cut short before they could cure cancer or establish world peace, that you wonder if a satanic agenda is involved.
Hmm, I don’t know about the background of the saying. But it’s one of those things that has exceptions, obviously. So we’re not supposed to talk trash about Hitler, for instance? I can see where it could be cathartic for less universally evil people as well.
At the very least, even the most pious would say “Adolf Hitler, may his name be blotted from memory”
Judaism also deeply frowns on gossip. Indeed, certain illnesses are said to be punishment for gossip. It never occured to me that speaking of ill of the dead was based on a concept of the departed having power. Rather, they are unable to defend themselves. As I’ve said before at a Jewish funeral everybody helps (usually only in a ceremonial fashion) help bury the coffin. It is considered the last good deed you can do for some one. It is considered especially righteous as the deceased cannot pay you back.
I have no basis for disagreeing with you, but isn’t there a common exaggerated image in TV, movies, and books, of Jewish people eagerly engaging in gossip? Isn’t a yenta a busybody - as well as a matchmaker? Seems weird that there would be such an image, if the faith deeply frowns on gossip.
There’s a lot of room between making the deceased out to be a saint, and dragging them through the dirt.
My husband’s uncle was not a well-loved man. He hurt some people, and avoided a lot of other people. But he, like most people, had some good qualities. For instance, when my husband’s father walked out on the family, his uncle was there for him as a caring adult male relative.
My husband was also the heir, since his uncle was estranged from his own son. So my husband arranged the funeral, and the people who attended were people who had some positive aspects to their relationship with the man. The ex wife, the son, and my SIL all skipped it, and if they did anything, they did it at a different venue.
It was a small funeral. We didn’t have an officiant. My husband read the primary eulogy, and he started by saying that he knew his uncle had some bad qualities, but on this occasion he wanted to focus on the good. And he shared some happy memories. My MIL did the same. I talked about our shared love of gardening. In general, everyone said true things about the man. No one who was there would mistake him for a saint. But they would also know that some people had benefited in some ways from his presence on the planet.
Judaism also frowns deeply on Jews eating pork or shellfish. Yet Beverly Goldberg is known for her shrimp parmesan and the Fine family often say “It doesn’t count if it has soy sauce on it!”
There is a lot to what you say. Thanks. But I think there is (likely to be) something truly fucked about a person who is estranged from his own wife and child, but is eulogized by a nephew. Similar to my wife’s situation, where all these people will be saying how the dead guy was more fatherly towards and supportive of them than he was to his own family.
Over the last day, what has really been fucking w/ my head is that this asshole disinherited my wife and one of her 2 sisters 10 days after our wedding. Never said a word to them. OK, maybe someone might do that after a bad enough dispute. But he never reconsidered over the course of the next 36 years? During which his daughter foolishly tried to figure out what sort of a relationship she could have with this asshole - the only father she was dealt.
It would be a rare person who did NOTHING worthwhile throughout their life. But if the shitty things they did were shitty enough, they are what describes the person.
I think my wife and her sisters want to go to this thing mainly to bear witness to (hopefully) the final act in their family tragedy. It really sucks that the 2d family - with the help of so many others - succeeded in essentially delegitimizing my wife’s family. Maybe it is pride or something else, but they refuse to hide on this occasion to further enable that delegitimization.
Well, that was a tough few weeks, but it is (mostly) over.
Couple updates for anyone who cares.
We got the docs from the atty. The insurance policy seems to continue to list my wife and her 2 full sisters as beneficiaries. So there may be some $ coming from that. Older sister is handling.
There was also a 1979 will with an associated trust. In that will and trust, FIL left everything to 1st wife, her mother, and her 2 full sisters. In 1985 - 2 weeks after our wedding, he amended the trust to specify that my wife and 1 sister got $1000 each, and remainder went to other all sister and the 2 half-sibs. As you might expect, that hit my wife pretty hard. NOT because we need the money (tho of course, it would be nice), but because for the past 36 years, ALL of our interactions with FIL were being done while - unbeknownst to us - my wife had been essentially disinherited.
The disinheritance occurred when we were getting married, and w/in the year after his bigamy was disclosed. As you might imagine, words were said. We did not allow him to perform traditional “father of the bride” duties at our wedding. He said, “There will be repercussions.” Even if he disinherited my wife and 1 sister in a fit of pique - nothing that happened over the next 36 years caused him to change things?
Oh well. Since we have this will, my wife is required to file it with the county. Who knows what subsequent wills may have been written. No idea if the one sister who potentially inherits under the 79 (the sorta unstable one from out-of-state) will open a probate proceeding… If he never wrote a superceding will, his estate could be quite messy. But we won’t be playing an active role.
The memorial was goofy - in a Masonic Hall w/ Masonic and VFW rituals. We’re hoping we don’t have to see/deal with the other family again. The best thing was having the half brother tell us afterwards that his father never had time for him, etc. But all these non-family members talked abut what a great guy he was. I wish I believed in hell, so I could think of him rotting there. Our kids/friends were wonderfully supportive.
