My mothers side of the family had a catholic background and my fathers side had a southern baptist background. So I was subjected to a couple of different views, neither of which ever really made a lot of sense to my young mind. I can remember suffering a lot of emotional pain because of my lack of faith. I recall asking a young Christian women how I would know when I was saved and she told me I would just feel it. I just had to pray harder and more often. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I never felt anything, no matter how hard I tried.
My step mother read the bible out loud to all of us every night after dinner. Man, that scared the crap out of me, even though I didn’t understand most of what she read. All the thee’s and thou’s and smiting and what have you just confused me. I damn near had a panic attack when I watched the astronauts land on the moon because I had understood the bible to say that God would crush the earth when man tried to reach the heavens. I can remember asking my catholic grandmother where god came from and she looked like someone possessed when she told me to “Never Question God!”
So I quit asking questions for a long time. But every time something bad happened in my life, I would drag out a bible and look for help there, only to be disappointed again when I just didn’t feel that magical something I kept being told I’d feel. I wanted faith in the worst way.
I finally resolved to read the bible from beginning to end, even though every Christian I spoke to
advised me to ignore the old testament and only read the new. That felt wrong to me. So I started reading and whenever I could not understand something, I would look it up on the internet. That’s how I found this board.
I couldn’t get past Daniel or Judges, one of those. I was completely disgusted. I don’t understand how anyone can believe the utter nonsense in that book. I can’t understand why anyone would even want to believe it. The god described is a right bastard. And heaven sounds terrible. No sex, no food, no spouses. It doesn’t resemble life as we know it in the least, so what’s the point?
These days, I’m pretty much an atheist, though I still have a small twinge when I admit that to myself since the idea of hell is pretty damn scary. My family was not worldly or sophisticated in any way shape or form. The bible was pretty much the only book in our house. As far as I know, I’m the only one in my family that doesn’t believe. This is not a fun place to be either, so I keep my thoughts to myself. Mostly. I want to come out to my family, but I have little doubt that I will face enormous pressure to return to the fold.
I’m still making peace with my new reality. Parents, please don’t pound that junk into your young child’s head.
