I feel like my daughter’s being overly dependent on me while she showers. She’s 6, turning 7 in a few days.
I’ve been called in there eleven times for a 10 minute shower. To start the water and help her get in. To adjust the water temperature. Because someone flushed a toilet somewhere in the building and the water got hot for a few seconds. To open the shampoo bottle. To adjust the water temperature again. To pour the shampoo on her hands. To put the body wash on her scrubbie. To adjust the water again. To “tell me if it’s all rinsed” (it was). To turn the water off and help her get out.
Suggestions that she try it herself are met with instant tears and “Nooooo!” or “I can’t, I might get burned!” She’s never been burned in the shower, so I’m not sure where those fears are coming from (but I’m pretty sure it’s based on something her dad said at some point.) It’s only been in the last six months that I’ve even been able to leave the bathroom at all while she bathes, without unleashing a torrent of tears and screams. It’s obvious she’s got some weird anxiety thing around bathing.
Am I expecting too much of a nearly 7 year old, that she can take a shower pretty much on her own? I’m happy to be there when she gets in and gets out, 'cause she is small and our bathtub unusually tall-walled; of course I don’t want her to slip and fall. But I feel like she should be much more independent with these other things. How can I help her to become more independent with bathing? Or do I re-evaluate my expectations?
I don’t see anything wrong with helping her get the temperature right, at the beginning, but I would think she’d be able to handle the rest herself. Maybe a pump-style shampoo bottle and body wash would make it easier for her to do more by herself? Take my opinion for what it’s worth, considering I don’t have kids.
I can’t answer your question, but maybe it would help for you to just sit there with her but not do all those things? Or maybe say, “OK, I want you to turn on the water this time, but I help with the other things.” And then slowly dole out the other tasks.
When I was a little kid, I remember being intimidated by the shower. I made the transition from the bathtub to the shower around seven or so, and it was kind of a big deal to me. I think it’s because I was afraid of water getting in my eyes.
As usual I have NO clue about anything, and my kid is only two and a half, but:
When there’s a real fear going on, I go with it. If my kid’s genuinely scared of doing something on her own, I’ll stay with her for as long as she needs it. I figure that sense of security will help her get up the confidence to do it herself, a lot faster than if I tried to force her to go faster than she was ready for. Again, though, mine is younger than yours, so your mileage etc.
When a new skill needs developing, I move it gradually from being something I do for her, to being something we do together, to being something she does herself. As in, if I wanted Widget to start putting the shower gel on the scrub thingy herself, first I’d get her to squeeze the bottle along with me. Next time I’d get her to hold the scrub thing while we squeezed the gel on together. Next time I’d get her to give it a shot herself, and then I’d add some more if she didn’t get enough. And once she’d done it herself, next time she asked I’d say, ‘You did it yourself last time, remember?’ and leave her to it.
Any chance she could have baths rather than showers? Those might be less scary, since the water temperature can’t change.
Maybe she’s just not ready for showers. With baths, she wouldn’t have to worry about the temperature changing, or being all rinsed off, and you wouldn’t have to worry about her slipping and falling. Of course, you want to monitor her closely in the bath, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have to sit right there with her- she could have toys to play with and make noise with. I don’t think any of my three boys were ready for showers at that age. You’d probably still have to help her wash her hair, but with a big fountain drink-type cup, it’s quick work, and going in there once to do that is better than going in multiple times for all the other stuff in the shower.
Can’t say it was with showers necessarily, but at various points my kids have been reluctant to do certain things themselves.
My reaction, at least in part, depends on whether this is part of a pattern or unusual.
If it’s unusual then I generally will work on it very slowly. If it’s a child in a stage of reluctance to take on new responsibilities I became less and less immediately available.
My six-year-old boy has been bathing himself for 2-3 years now. At least, this is what he claims. I hear him go upstairs and I hear the water run, and sometimes his hair is a little damp when he comes back down.
Velociraptor is fairly independent at eight but he still prefers baths to showers. I usually finesse the water for him because it can be finicky and make sure his hair is completely rinsed. He also has a tendency to use too much body wash so I pick up lots on sale.
She might not be ready for showers, take it a step at a time and she’ll get it eventually. I’m lucky to get Velociraptor into the shower once a month, he’d still much rather play with some toys. As long as I can hear him and I just toss a quick ‘remember to wash -whatever-’ in the door and when to get out he’s good.
My son is 5, and the extent of my involvement with his bath is to turn the water on and off, and to get a towel for him if he forgot to get one before he started. Occasionally he’ll try to shout “I’m done!” 45 seconds into the bath, and I’ll shout back “check your fingernails!” He knows he’s not clean until the dirt under his nails is gone.
That said, there’s no way he could do a shower by himself. For some reason the shower terrifies him.
Well, my daughter’s a bit different because she’s autistic, but one of the reasons I recently worked my arse off to pay to have a shower installed was because it might make it easier for her to bathe alone without it taking three hours (yes, really) and with instructions written down. She was always better about taking showers at the swimming pool and such and was really looking forward to having a shower at home; it was what she asked for for Christmas.
Turns out she finds showers more difficult to operate, and this is the easiest shower ever. So I’d agree with the others that maybe baths would be easier - they take longer, but can supplemented by a quick wash. Though that can be difficult too.
If it were me the first step I’d take is to ask her why she thinks taking a shower is so hard. Something like, “WhyGirl, you are so good at doing X and Y all by yourself. It seems like taking a shower alone isn’t something you are comfortable doing though. What is it about showers that make you want help from Mommy?” She may just reiterate the fear of being burned or she may tell you about drain monsters or about a story she heard about where a little girl died in the shower. She may just say, “I dunno” and leave it at that. At least if you ask her about it you may get some insight into why the problem exists. Then if you still don’t have any more information you can ask if she wants to switch back over to baths or perhaps take small steps towards her being able to take a shower alone, whether that means switching her over to bar soap or teaching her to use the shower gel or whatever.
I should have mentioned - she absolutely refuses baths now, and has for about the last three months. She says baths are “boring”, despite our attempts to add interesting elements, from bubbles to toys to tub crayons. We’ve also tried no interesting things. Once she decided she was ready for the shower, there were no more baths, by her choice.
All my kids (2 girls, 1 boy) had no issues with showers. My son was taking them at 6, as he told me, he’s not a baby
But I started all of them as babies into the swimming pool as I’m a poor swimmer and wanted to make sure they were all fine with that. So they had no fear of water. Maybe that has something to do with it.
I didn’t like to take showers as a little kid. It’s like getting rained on instead of swimming. The shower head is way up there and a little kid can’t adjust it. And it’s just not fun like taking a bath. I grew out of it pretty quickly. Hardly seems like much of a concern. But if it remains a problem, get one of those shower head on a hose things and see if you can mount a holder lower down, or just leave it dangling for her to hold herself when she needs it.
Do you have a shower rod that allows the kid to adjust the shower so her head stays above the water?
Have you thought about the possibility to go noo-poo for your daughter? I have hardly used shampoo with my baby son ever since birth.. His hair is non-greasy and shiny, and I have to wash it with just water about once every two weeks. We bathe him twice a week. He gets clean clothes every day, and we clean his nails with a little steel hook thingy. He has no skin problems and had no trouble with diaper rash.
I also think his natural clean hair will be less likely to attract head lice then the overly clean, stripped hair of kids who get washed daily with shampoo. Head lice like clean hair, and head lice are a bit of an epidemic at Dutch schools.
…and then, for the “body wash on the Scrubbie” issue, help her make one of these and you’ll never need that scrubbie again.
In our household, the Taller Girl (8) has only just started to become a shower bunny, and definitely still needs help with the water temp. But that’s pretty much all, and it is a bit of a fine skill to master. The Smaller Girl (6) is still a bath fan. So your girl seems pretty normal to me, but of course it’s annoying to be called in All The Freaking Time for water temperature emergencies etc!
Ooh, that’s really neat! I’ve never seen one here; I’ll begin looking to see if they’re available in the US. …maybe with the bathing aids for those with disabilities…I can think of a couple of patients of mine who would find something like that useful, too…
I’ve considered it. I tried no-poo and made it several weeks before I nearly scratched my scalp off and gave in. But she does have that awesome silky little girl hair that doesn’t seem to get dirty unless it’s stuff like barbeque sauce or glue stuck in it! I think the biggest challenge here would be getting her dad to go along with it at his house. I’ll ponder that.
That is so cool! And it looks pretty easy to make. I think I’ll order some wool and give it a try…thanks! (Wow, it only takes about $1 of wool to do one bar of soap, and they’ll let me order in 1 ounce increments! (1.95/ounce!) )
Strange; they are standard here in the Netherlands. One of those odd little cultural differences. Another benefit is that they are the right height, even for a kid, to take the shower out of the holder and not put it in unless she trusts the temperature and the strenght of the water jet. It also allows to take out the shower to use it manually to clean otherwise hard to reach spots and to allow another position in the shower. It makes showering a bit more under one’s control and that is pleasant for anyone, especially kids.
I don’t know the proper US name for them, though. Shower rod is the rod that holds curtains; [shower arm](adjustable shower arm) is another thingy I never heard of… [Adjustable shower rail](adjustable shower rail), that’s it.
