WIFE: . . . [cough] . . . Listen, dear . . . This is important . . . After I die I want you to marry again . . . and I want you to give your new wife all of my jewelry . . . [cough] . . . and all of my clothes . . .
HUSBAND: Oh, darling, I couldn’t do that! She’s a size 8 and you’re only a 4!
The OP was a but vague on where I fit in on the question. I’m the son. I just found out that my dad is dating and has been dating for some time now. I’m just having a hard time dealing with it.
I haven’t talked to him since he brought it up, and I’m trying to figure out what to do/how to act when I do speak to him again.
It is not my call when he starts dating. I have my own life 200 miles from him. I just hope he understands that I’m going to have a difficult time dealing with this for awhile.
My parents were married almost fifty years. In the case of my mother, she married one of my father’s best friends (going back to Jr High) less than six months after Dad’s death. And she chose to tell me on my birthday, less than three months after Dad died, that this was her plan. “Happy Birthday! Here’s a punch in the gut!”
I had very hard feelings, particularly after she said “Dogs won’t cut it as a companion for me”, in reference to my single life with a couple dogs. I took over year to reconcile myself to it, but I will say that Jim treats my mother wonderfully, and I’m glad he’s there to care for her. On th edown side, she has this idea that there should be some sort of familial ralationship between me and my siblings and Jim’s kids from his first marriage. Sorry - they aren’t my family.
StG
Yeesh. That’s… uncouth. :dubious:
(ETA: Is it just me, or would no-one even consider asking a widow a question like that?)
I really wish my father, then 68, had considered dating again (mind you, his elder brother has been widowed twice now). It’s been just 14 years as of yesterday. I believe it may be too late now.
I think if you tell him that “it isn’t my call, I want you to be happy, but I hope you’ll understand if I have a difficult time dealing with this” you’ll both be fine.
Have you considered that perhaps your father had a tough enough time working out how and when to tell you that he’s been dating and perhaps he expects (and understands) that there will be difficulties for you?
My advice to you would be to phone him, don’t be confrontational but do explain to him that you are having a tough time dealing with things. It’s important that you don’t lose the relationship you have with your father over this, he’s apparently doing what he feels is right for him and perhaps he felt it was better to tell you than to date someone in secrecy, not being able to share his new-found happiness with you.
In his position, yes it’s only been a short time since losing his wife, but when did wallowing in self-pity and misery help anyone?
I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a way to deal with your feelings without losing touch with your father.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling weird about this, brewha. Since when are any feelings logical? About the only thing you can do is adjust at your own speed. It might help to talk with your dad about it, if that’s the kind of relationship you have.
At his age, I imagine just about anybody he dates will be a widow or at least a veteran of a marriage. It just goes with the territory. This is relevant only in the sense that any new companion/possible romantic partner will be coping with a loss of her own. In my experience, folks in that position–bereaved, second time around–go into dating with a different approach. Both must come to terms with always loving the lost partner while still trying to build something new. Not, never, a replacement but something to help keep going.
Corny but true…your dad’s willingness to take another chance on a companion, passing or permanent, is a real compliment to your mom and to their marriage.
Any chance you could talk to your dad about it? Just ask how he’s doing? Maybe he didn’t want to burden you with how bad his own loneliness and grief have been. I can’t imagine he didn’t feel very weird about the idea of dating. Would it help either/both of you if you broke the ice?
All comfort to you, brewha.
There’s a minor scandal where I live, because my fire chief is getting married 10 months after his wife died.
Most of those who are upset only know him lightly; anyone who knows him well thinks it’s great, because her death hit him very hard.
The new wife is someone he and his old wife knew before she ever got sick, so there wasn’t near as much getting to know each other in the courtship.
I’ve heard it said that men in long happy marriages tend to remarry fairly quickly after their wife dies. They miss the companionship (Paul McCartney, anyone?) and the relationship.
That said, I would recommend a year. Mainly because you (or whoever we’re talking about) have been through the most traumatic experience a spouse can go through, and you need time to get through it. Plus, you have to get through the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversary, etc, after the death.
As far as your son goes, I would submit 3 months is a little soon. See above paragraph.
My condolences on your loss.
Here’s the honest truth - I can not express feelings sober. I posted the OP while I was drunk and am posting this in the same state. I had just dealt with the worst mother’s day of my life when I got an email from my dad telling me that he intended on dating. My sister lived with him at the time, so she kept me updated and I knew that he had been dating soon after my mom’s death.
Bless my sister’s heart. She moved back home when my mom fell ill to help take care of her. There is no way I’ll ever be able to pay her back for that sacrifice.
I can understand my dad’s reasoning and had a heart to heart with him tonight. He knew that his wife - my mom- was dying for months (over 60 months to be exact) before she passed. He had been prepared for her death long before it happened.
I, OTOH, was not. My mom was the type of person that was happiest when those around her were happy. She knew that her days on this earth were numbered, but never told those closest to her. She would rather see everyone enjoy the holidays than worry about her. She kept a brave face till the very end. I didn’t have a clue about the severity of her conditon until 3 days before her passing.
Because of this, I’m riddled with regret. I wish I had more time. I wish I could tell her what I wanted to.
How do you end a post like this? I guess there’s no good way.
I think you do need to talk about it. My dad was 26 when his mom died. His father remarried (wife #3) eight months later. None of the kids understood so my grandfather shut them all out, all six of them. He died when I was 23, and I’d only seen him a dozen times in all those years. There was this huge rift between my dad & uncles (and a lesser extent my aunts) and my grandfather that never healed. My dad went through a lot of guilt when his father finally died, because neither of them made enough effort to fix their relationship.
Don’t let that become your story too. Say you have kids someday, are you upset enough now that decades from now your kids will say they barely knew him? It’s hard to think of the long term when you’re grieving, but falling out of touch now might dictate the course you stay on from this day forward. Talk to him about anything, even if you don’t want to bring up his dating.
brewha, I completely understand where you are coming from. Your dad knew about your mother’s illness long before you did; he had time to grieve before she died. You did not have that time, so your grief is still fresh. Your feelings are completely understandable. It is how you decide to deal with them that is the issue.
Your dad wanting companionship is a compliment to your mother, not an insult. He is not trying to replace her, he is trying to continue on with his life without her. I think, if you are honest with yourself, you will find that you would be much unhappier and much more worried about your father if he holed up in his house and became a hermit. Do not let his decision to move on with his life become a source of stress between the two of you.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Tove, that royally sucks.
brewha, there is no time limit on when it’s good to start dating again. Sometimes a new person comes along so fast that you can’t believe it, sometimes it never happens. My mother and her best friend are both widows: their take on dating is “I was married to one of the good ones and it was no heaven, why would I want to give it another try?” Sounds like your Dad’s opinion on the “average quality of women” is better than these two ladies’ on the “average quality of men” :smack:
Okay, so your father is one who wants to start dating?
I can see your concern…he’s have five years to prepare for his wife’s death, and you only had three days to prepare for your mom’s death.
I think you need to have another heart to heart with your dad…he may be ready to move on, but you’re not.
And slow down the drinking, dude. That’s not going to help the situation.
I am a widow and have some wonderful friends and family that try to understand and support me, but I KNOW that no one gets what I am going through. However, they are kind enough to have some empathy. There is no way that anyone can feel the sudden devastating loss that I have been through if they have not been in a good marriage for 40 years like me. My husband loved me dearly and I loved him with all my soul. He knows that and would not want me to be unhappy the rest of my life. He would not want me alone with no one to care for me. I went out on a date to save myself from depression and try to want to live again. I had to stop thinking about the past and create a new future for myself without my husband. My kids live far away from me and should not have to worry and take care of me. That is what I want, but I never expected that through my trying to take care of myself, trying to be happy again, and trying not to be a burden to them because I love them, that they would never speak to me again. I truly understand that they are grieving, I have lost my dad too early. I understand that it is strange and uncomfortable to think of their mother with someone other than their father. What am I supposed to do for the next 30 years? Be alone and stay home and cry all the time? I did that for nearly a year.
With grown children, I agree with “It’s up to you when it’s a good time” and also that it’s never going to be a good time for the adult children, so keep it as circumspect as possible until you know it’s something that will lead into a long, long-term relationship. Yes, the kids will have to know eventually, but dating is for you, not them, and they will have to handle it in their own way. In the meantime, ‘need to know’ is a good rule of thumb, especially for something so private.
I hadn’t really thought about it in terms of this particular subject, but one of my rules of thumb for life is “If you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not ready to do it.”
Wow…are you me?
For me, the answer was: 6 months. Wife died in August, I joined eHarmony and started going out on dates in March of the following year.
My children (also in their 20’s) were fine with the concept of me dating, but reserved the right to object to any particular individuals. And their acceptance of their father being in a serious, committed relationship has been bumpy, but seems to be progressing.
Best of luck, and I’m happy to share more about my own journey if you think it helps.
FWIW Jewish law allows remarriage after 3 months.
I think short of bringing a date to the funeral, any amount of time is ok and it’s nobody’s business what the bereaved wants to do. MrPanda has a great uncle who remarried within 3 months of his wife dying – his dying wife actually picked out his next one.
Considering some people start dating new partners when their spouses are alive and well, I think any time after his/her death is respectful enough.