I think that there’s a respectful way to go about things. For instance, if Mom has been dead for less than 3 months, I see no need to bring a new love around her children, or parents, right away. Give them time and space to grieve over the one loss before making them deal with the emotions of seeing their (father/son-in-law) with a new person. Gradually introduce the new “friend” into the family. Resist hugging and kissing in front of people who are still reeling from their loss.
IMO, it’s not so much about hard and fast rules, but rather about acknowledging and respecting other people’s feelings.
That extra information has really shed light on what you’re going through, brewha. You’ve got a lot of emotions to work through, and your dad had time to (emotionally, mentally, and every other way) prepare for your mum’s passing, and you didn’t.
The decision your mum made not to tell you was clearly what she thought was the right decision. But I’ve never heard anyone say, ‘I wish my loved one hadn’t told me they were sick, I would have been much better off not knowing until their last moments.’
You asked the question ‘how long should a widower wait’ but I think that’s an impossible question to answer, unless the answer is, ‘when the widower feels ready to date.’
Clearly your dad does feel ready, and in a way, don’t you feel glad that your dad is continuing to seek happiness and companionship in his life, rather than constantly grieving at home alone?
I’m the daughter, and less than a week after the funeral my dad was talking about seeing other people. I have to say it did not bother me at all. I knew what he was saying - he’d just seen his wife of 35 years (yeah! same as the OP) die of cancer (again! just like the OP) and she’d been ill for three years. He was lonely, dammit, and unhappy and sad and miserable all at once, and who knows how long it had been since he’d had sex or even closeness with anyone.
My dad’s a human being too and wants the same things as any other human beings.
I didn’t have proper time to say goodbye to my mother, either, brewha. I seriously could be your sister in all this. I only knew my mother was dying at the end. But the fact is, I will not take away from my father’s happiness, whatever he can glean at the end of his long life, for my own selfishness.
It’s been two years, btw, and I don’t know if he’s seen anyone. I know he was looking at personal ads in India Abroad, and I’ve even helped him by e-mailing a couple of people. I know he loved mom, he evidenced that by taking care of her when she was sick, cleaning up after her, doing everything for her. Of course he loved her. But it’s his choice when it’s time to move on, not mine.
Just want to point out that **twigs **posted to a 6-year-old zombie thread. Sounds like there is more conversation to be had, but I suspect **brewha **is in a completely different place mentally by now…
Just be honest with your Dad. Start with just a little, if it’s hard. “I’m going to have a hard time with this for a little while, but I’ll get over it. Please forgive me.”
One sentence. You can do it. Once it’s out there and you’ve told the truth, the importance of all of it will greatly diminish, I promise.
If he wants to talk you into being better with it, be honest again. “I just need some time, is all. Let’s just leave it alone for now, okay?”
Good Luck to you, I know it’s not easy. But it will get easier, with baby steps.
I have been in a relationship with a widower for 20 months. His wife died almost 3 yrs ago. He is adamant that he loves me and does not to be without me but also says he never wants to get married again. He was with his wife for 38 yrs. there are many photos of her and the family on display in his house, I very rarely go there as I feel very uncomfortable. 3 weeks ago his daughter got married. She had invited me to the wedding but I decided not to go in the day as some aspects would be quite difficult for my partner and daughter as they are still grieving. However, I did want to go for a couple of hours in the night but my partner did not want this as he felt that his father-in-law would refuse to go to the wedding if I was there at any time. He didn’t actually ask him and the father-in-law has been aware of me from the start. I feel deeply hurt and very angry about being treated like this. Am I wrong to feel this way? He also added more photos to his display before the wedding and didn’t understand why that upset me. He has many photos of me but there is not one of me anywhere to be seen
Katz333, from the description you’re giving me, that guy doesn’t sound very considerate or committed to you. Speaking from experience as someone who is married to a widow, my now-wife was always extremely careful not to make me feel I was living in someone else’s shadow. No photos of her dead husband on display. We have a box of his things in a closet, things my stepson (age 12) may want one day. Everyone’s grieving process is different, but I have to say that if it’s still so raw and painful for him almost three years later, he probably isn’t ready to date.
One cent stamp. I think you are right. His grief is very close to the surface. He had a good marriage but I think the thought of marrying someone else in the future makes him feel disloyal as the first thing that enters his mind is his wife and children even though they are all adults. I have often felt that there is 3 of us in the relationship. When I tried to end the relationship before he was distraught but I wonder if that is because in a sense it is another loss to deal with rather than being “in love” with me.
Yes the ceremony was in the day and I think some aspects would have been quite testing eg partner’s father of the bride speech and question of where I would sit etc. The evening should have been fine though as everyone would have been feeling more relaxed then and it was just a nice party. The fact that he did not enable me to be there for only the last 2 hours has caused tremendous damage to our relationship and I really don’t know if it can be repaired. I feel if he really thought of me as his partner he would not have treated me like that and would have told others to accept it.
Well, the first non-burial social event you will be attending is the wake, and it’s not too soon to start flirting at the wake. I live near Rossmoor in Walnut Creek, CA, a retirement community where the widower to widow ratio is 18 to 1. You will certainly be brought a casserole by several thoughtful ladies within the first week. They may wait until week two to find out whether you are interested in dessert, but not all of them are that appropriate. At least so those old biddies tell me as they gossip about each other as I drive them around. Get two of them in the car and if they forget you are there, your ears will burn off.
That illustrates the flip side of what Scarlett67 said. When my father died, my mother said she would never date again because she couldn’t bear the thought of having to go through the loss of a spouse a second time.
To be a bit harsh, it seems to me that it is very selfish for kids not to want their surviving parent to date again after the death of a spouse. Shouldn’t you care most about what makes the parent happy?
I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years, and we dated for 5 years before that.
I’m pretty invested in her.
I find it unthinkable to consider dating or even marrying someone else if she should die before I do. I’ll be lonely I suppose, but how do you even begin to share a life with someone after you’ve already had one full of love, travel, children, adventures, and more?
I say this is the hand you were dealt. You get a dog, teach the grandkids to fish and play three-card monty, and you watch Law & Order reruns in your recliner until your heart or kidneys give out. The End.
She insists that she would want me to remarry, and I forbid her to leave the house and wear anything but black for the rest of her days if I should kick off first… :dubious:
She said “Fuck that, I’m bringing a date to your funeral, and marrying for money this time.”
Well, my one grandmother has been a widow since 1968, my other grandmother since 1980. The first dated once in the mid 90’s, the second never has. So based on that experience I’ll say never.
For the bonus question, I would understand my mom wanting to date after dad died 2 years ago, but I would never be comfortable with it.
My relationship has reached make or break point. I told him after 18 months he should have asserted himself with his father in law and not excluded me from attending party for only 2 hours. I said spending 18 months of my life with him should count for something. His response was that he has known his father in law for 38 years and my presence would have upset him as he has not come to terms with losing his daughter who died almost 3 years ago. Although my boyfriend claims to really love me his actions tell me otherwise and I am beginning to think this is a rebound relationship for him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be alone and ending the relationship would be another loss for him to deal with although not to the same degree as losing his wife. I was the first person he dated 15 months after his wife died but maybe he would have formed an attachment to whoever it was.
