When we have family get-togethers, all of my family except me and my mom drink to excess. There isn’t really any repercussions to it (no drunk driving, no accidents, no lost work time, no drama) except for hangovers the next day. I don’t really like being around drunk people, so family things are not as much fun for me as they would be if people didn’t get drunk, but I also realize that I can’t tell other people what to do.
I’m starting to wonder about people in my family, though, because they’re not that young anymore (ages are between 37 and 45). Is it normal to still be drinking to excess at every family get-together, and I’m the prude for thinking they should be growing out of it at some point? Or is this not really a healthy thing to be doing at their ages (physically and psychologically)? If so, is there anything you can say to someone to get them to reconsider what I guess is binge-ish drinking?
What do you mean by excess? Are we talking Uncle Jack puking over the porch rail, or Aunt Mabel having 3 glasses of wine and telling naughty jokes?
Without knowing the specific behaviors, it’s hard for me to say. I will confess to knocking back multiple glasses of wine during Thanksgiving with the in-laws, because it’s what gets me through Thanksgiving with the in-laws.
That’s me, too. Sadly, that tendency is what led us to overlook a brother-in-law who was actually an alcoholic, because he didn’t look any different from most of the rest of us when we got together. We didn’t learn that was his usual drinking until he was admitted to the ER with a failing liver.
Humm - my family all tends to be in that age range (or younger) and none of them drink to excess at get togethers. My mom will have two glasses of wine and get rosey cheeks, but that’s about it.
Honestly, if my whole family got together and got drunk I would be sort of horrified.
Heavy drinking was the norm in our family get togethers, but only for the males. That has dropped off considerably over the past 25 years where sometimes there’s not even any booze around. For myself though, I had to quit completely for my health and sanity. I think kids had something to do with it.
It depends on how many get-togethers you’re talking about. If it’s five or six holidays or birthday parties in a year, maybe that’s the only time these people get drunk. If it’s once a week, I’d say that’s too often for anybody to get really drunk, not just older folks. It’ll catch up with ya.
Last time I visited my sister we bought a bottle of rum at 3ish and it (along with a bottle of champagne) was dead by 11ish. And we do that every time we get together. But we were on vacation, when things like limits and responsibility are dropped.
When you think about your last family get together, which person would you pinpoint as the drunkard? Have you ever had experiences with that person outside of family get togethers?
I mean, maybe you’re right and maybe you’re wrong, but my closest aunt once confessed that she thought I was a drunk until we started having semi-regular (and completely dry) lunches together because I usually only drink when I’m surrounded with pressure/people.
Sis and I treat our days off as holidays/vacations and act accordingly.
I think that is the only times they get drunk (five or six holidays and birthday parties a year). I guess my question basically is, is getting drunk five or six times a year in your forties normal? I kinda thought it was something you do as a callow youth and grow out of.
Around here, it’d be abnormal to only get drunk 5 or 6 times a year in your 40s. It’s pretty much a given that most people go out at least once a week and have dinner/drinks with friends. Most people don’t get falling down puking drunk, but I’ve definitely seen people do that. My personal goal is that I don’t like hangovers, so I limit myself (mostly) to what I can drink and not feel it the next day.
But we’re a small town in the far north. I’ve done jello shots with a 92 year old woman. It’s the culture up here.
I think the number of times a year one is drunk as a callow youth is more than “five or six times a year.” YMMV. I’m 26 and I drink enough to feel somewhat buzzed at least once a week. Enough to get drunk maybe 2-3 times a month. Enough to feel hungover the next morning, maybe once a month or every two months. Mind you, I haven’t been drunk enough to be sick in years. That’s definitely something I’ve grown out of.
My dad’s side of the family loves drinking on holidays. I’ve gotten used to seeing my uncles falling-down drunk on Lunar New Year’s and Harvest Moon.
This is kinda like saying you “grow out of” the urge to stuff yourself stupid on Thanksgiving. Hey, all this food is laid out, that’s kinda why you’re there, it tastes good, and you eat far too much of it.
And then you stuff yourself til you’re sick and you go, “Dammit!”
By the OP’s logic, we should all outgrow the urge to stuff ourselves on holidays by the time we’re about…oh…ten or twelve years old? Because we know it’s a bad idea by then, we’ve had the consequences before, we know we’re going to feel like a beached whale within half an hour of doing it…and yet most people do it anyway.
If you over-indulge in something a handful of times a year, I don’t see how that means you have a problem. If you eat like it’s Thanksgiving every day, you have a problem. If you drink like it’s a holiday every day, you have a problem. Other than the issue of alcoholism–which is another issue entirely–what is the difference?
So yes, at a glance, I think the OP is being kind of a prude. Drunk people are annoying if you’re sober, but that doesn’t mean they have a problem. I find most of my relatives so annoying that if I didn’t have a drink when they are around I’d probably leave within half an hour. If I’m supposed to “grow out of that” by some mythic age then you can hang out with them instead of me.
No one on their death bed ever said “boy I wish I didn’t spend all that time getting drunk with my friends and family.” Maybe if they are dying of liver failure or something.
Five or six times a year seems well within the bounds of reasonable. Like chique says, you’re around your loved ones, you’re not driving anywhere, why not cut loose? It’s not lunch with the boss or a date with someone you’re trying to impress.
Wanna bet? I’ve heard that lament often enough, in the terminal days and hours.
I’ve also heard that lament from families about the dying person. Seems not everyone in the family was having such a fine time with the heavy drinking at the family events.
Recently, we burried a step-family member. He was an abusive, fuck [for lack of a better word] who cared about no-one but the booze. He was 56 when he passed away, and he looked like he was in his 80’s. I was not around to know what he was saying, but in the end I know he lamented to a degree. However, a gallon of nasty scotch a day habit never left him…even when he was 90 pounds and had a trach…
How do you know what they are doing when they are not celebrating at these occasions? Are they drinking in excess at other times that you know of?
I think the most telling factor you are talking about here is your own feelings. If YOU believe the drinking is too much then it is. If YOU believe this you are entitled to your opinion. I was very much one of your “relatives” in my family before I gave up the drink. I feel wonderful. Clear. And thanks to many people on this board and people in my life who understand this disease intimately…I am not alone.
The first part of my last post was a bit harsh. Those with alcoholic relatives may understand - there is no end to the emotional harm someone who is caught in the grips of alcoholism can inflict. I was reacting to that emotion.
Well, I think that would be covered under “unless you were dying of liver failure OR SOMETHING”.
I’m thinking more along the lines of having a few beers or glasses of wine with the family and friends, not abusive alchoholic asshole.
To answer the OP, I think “how much” depends. The problem is that as you get older, your responsibilities tend to preclude you from being able to get wasted like a 20 year old fraternity guy. You can’t show up to work drunk or hungover (well, unless you worked at my last job). You can’t skip taking the kids to school because you tied one on the night before. Your wife or SO probably doesn’t want you coming home at 4am drunk from the bars, even if you aren’t abusive.
On the other hand, one does not have to “outgrow” getting together in a bar with a couple of your buddies to watch the Giants. Or the wives getting together to make margharitas and chitchat.
featherlou - What kind of drinking exactly are we talking about here? The family getting a little unusually loud after a few glasses of wine or setting up a FlipCup tourniment on the kitchen table?
My family aren’t big drinkers, but I have a group of friends ranging in age from 30ish to 50ish, and we all get together and go out and get drunk every couple of weeks or so. Not falling down drunk, not doing body shots or setting up a slip and slide on the bar or anything. We talk, and dance, and laugh, and generally have a great time. And yeah, get kinda drunk. But we’ve all got kids to tend to in the morning, and we do fine.