How much of what the Modern Major General knows is actually useful for an officer?

In My Humble Opinion
1

From Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates Of Penzance (it’s public domain, so I’m posting it all)
I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy—
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

My commentary in the next post

2

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
Ok, basic science is good

I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;

So’s basic history

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;

Ok, math is good, but isn’t Trig necessary for ballistics? That’s gotta hurt

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

Ok, basic science is good, but at this point, he’s repeating himself.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;

Mythic history? Why?
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
Basic logic, problem-solving
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
I fail to see how writing rhymes about perverted Romans will help win battles
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
Presumably this involves balistics
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
Obscure art knowledge doesn’t win battles
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
So?
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
He’s lying! Penzance opened in 1879. It it critical to the story that the story takes place in a leap-year. The story wasn’t set in their future, so the show had to be set in 1876. HMS Pinafore didn’t open until 1878. QED, he’s LYING!

More later. :wink:

3

Of course, the whole point of the song is that the Major-General doesn’t know a thing that would be useful to an officer - he is an incompetent buffoon promoted waaaay beyond his competence for political reasons only.

4

I’m not sure if you’re saying that lying is a proper credential for being a modern major general or not… One could argue either side of that case. :slight_smile:

5

Could you do that all again, only faster?

6

I remember this bit from one of the Black Widower stories.

The story doesn’t take place in a leap year. Frederic was born on leap day, but he’s 21 years old when the story opens, so it’s the year after a leap year. That puts the year of the action at 1877.

In the story, they say that it’s possible that the Major-General could have heard the score a year before the play opened. I don’t know enough of 19th-century theater to judge if that’s plausible or not.
In any event, it’s much more likely that the Major-General would have heard of ‘that infernal nonsense Pinafore’ in 1877 than in 1876.

7

We already know the major general is a liar. He tells a big lie to the pirates five minutes after finishing that song, which forms the crux of the rest of the story!

8

You mean he’s not really an orphan?

9

:smiley:

10

Sure - I will help.
IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor-General,
I’veinformationvegetable,animal,andmineral,
IknowthekingsofEngland,andIquotethefightshistorical
FromMarathontoWaterloo,inordercategorical;
I’mverywellacquainted,too,withmattersmathematical,
Iunderstandequations,boththesimpleandquadratical,
AboutbinomialtheoremI’mteemingwithaloto’news,
Withmanycheerfulfactsaboutthesquareofthehypotenuse.

I’mverygoodatintegralanddifferentialcalculus;
Iknowthescientificnamesofbeingsanimalculous:
Inshort,inmattersvegetable,animal,andmineral,
IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor-General.

Iknowourmythichistory,KingArthur’sandSirCaradoc’s;
Ianswerhardacrostics,I’veaprettytasteforparadox,
IquoteinelegiacsallthecrimesofHeliogabalus,
InconicsIcanfloorpeculiaritiesparabolous;
IcantellundoubtedRaphaelsfromGerardDowsandZoffanies,
IknowthecroakingchorusfromTheFrogsofAristophanes!
ThenIcanhumafugueofwhichI’veheardthemusic’sdinafore,
AndwhistlealltheairsfromthatinfernalnonsensePinafore.

ThenIcanwriteawashingbillinBabyloniccuneiform,
Andtellyouev’rydetailofCaractacus’suniform:
Inshort,inmattersvegetable,animal,andmineral,
IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor-General.

Infact,whenIknowwhatismeantby"mamelon"and"ravelin",
WhenIcantellatsightaMauserriflefromaJavelin,
WhensuchaffairsassortiesandsurprisesI’mmorewaryat,
AndwhenIknowpreciselywhatismeantby"commissariat",
WhenIhavelearntwhatprogresshasbeenmadeinmoderngunnery,
WhenIknowmoreoftacticsthananoviceinanunnery—
Inshort,whenI’veasmatteringofelementalstrategy—
You’llsayabetterMajor-Generalhasneversatagee.

Formymilitaryknowledge,thoughI’mpluckyandadventury,
Hasonlybeenbroughtdowntothebeginningofthecentury;
Butstill,inmattersvegetable,animal,andmineral,
IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor-General.

11

okay…'fess up. How did you do that? Is there a “remove-all-spaces” command in Word?

12

You can do it with the simplest text editor that has a “find and replace” function: find space, replace with nothing.

13

Do you mean often, frequently?

14

Often often often!

15

Exactly, it’s the same theme as “When I was a lad…” from Pinafore where his experience was completely useless for his current office.

16

I think that an argument could be made that recognizing valuable art works could be useful if one was planning on taking spoils of war (as counterfeit spoils are heavy to carry and not worth much).

17

I only said it ONCE!

18

No. And worse than that…
HE NEVER WAS!

19

The Major-General was a cast at Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had attempted to professionalise the post of army officer where previously officers required nothing other than an ability to lead troops into battle with absolute indifference to personal danger. Many officers regarded this as the limit of their professional responsibilities and took no greater interest in the job, leaving all administration to NCOs. The Major-General has stuffed his head with all kinds of knowledge but has failed to focus on military engineering.

20

Exactly - you said often - “frequently” - only once!