How often do you visit the gravesite of a loved one? (poll)

In My Humble Opinion
21

Not I, but my (adult) children visit their father’s grave fairly regularly. On his birthday, father’s day, and the anniversary of his death.

I can’t find the thread about leaving stones/rocks on the headstone, but they do that too. My youngest son just came back from an extended trip to several Asian countries; NZ; Australia; and finally Hawaii. He collected interesting stones from each place and will put one on the headstone each visit.

There is some sense of an ongoing connection with him and sharing important things from their lives, but it’s also a sign to others who visit that someone was there.

My two sons also filled his casket with things they’d shared with their Dad or he’d found important: a couple of Simpson’s figurines, a Beatles CD, a few cigarettes and a Zippo lighter (as the eldest stated, “you never know what he might be able to trade where he’s going”).

22

None of my dead relatives are local, and when I visit the living ones, I’d rather spend the time with them than schlep halfway across the state to visit the dead ones. The only time I visited a grave was that of my paternal grandfather, on the occasion of burying my grandmother next to him.

23

I didn’t know where my grandfather was buried until 1994, when my grandmother – who outlived him by 45 years – was buried.

My other grandfather wasn’t buried until last December (he died in 1981); he and my grandmother’s ashes were kept in out store’s safe until then.

24

Never. I have never understood the point. I will be cremated and the ashes scattered. Same with my wife.

25

Before I was married, I rarely visited grave sites except on the day of the funeral. After I was married, my wife and her family had a tradition of visiting on Memorial Day, and their birthday or deathday. So, I selected ‘several times a year’.

If you’re into genealogy like I am, it kind of becomes important to know where people are buried. But then I’m older than most of you. :cool:

26

The body wasn’t your loved one. Where it was buried should mean little to you.

27

Most of them, never. My family is spread out between America, Canada, the UK and Ireland, so unless they are buried locally, I don’t get to visit their graves much, or at all.

The one local grave is my father’s, but I rarely go. His anniversary, Christmas, birthday and parents’ wedding anniversary, I will place flowers but I don’t stand there for any length of time.

I don’t really like cemeteries much, I don’t understand the need to have a grave with a headstone after someone dies (obviously you need to dispose of the remains in a dignified manner), and I really really don’t get funerals - why are you made to stand and watch a coffin being lowered into a large hole in the ground??

28

I love cemeteries. To me, they are a peaceful place, brimming with the stories of peoples’ lives.

My parents are inurned in a columbarium at a National Cemetery. Daddy was retired AF. When I go to visit (maybe once or twice a year), on my walk to their niche I gaze at all the names on the markers, and in my mind, I tell all the veterans, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I am interested in my family geneology now, and grave markers are a way to research family history.

I can understand how people wish to dissociate themselves from the ghoulishness of death and decay, but there is something comforting in assembling the records of your ancestors, and leaving something of yourself to future generations.
~VOW

29

Like VOW, above, I love boneyards, even though my family cremates and scatters. I am an historian by nature, and adore wandering through old cemeteries, reading the stones and looking at the photos (a nearby cemetery has glass-encased photos on many of the tombstones), wondering about peoples’ lives and times.

I was going to say “I am amazed at all the cemetery-hate in this thread,” but then I recalled another similar thread recently with lots of similar cemetery-hate. Oh*, *well.

30

“Not really liking” something is not the same as “hating” it. Graveyards make some people uncomfortable.

My parents were cremated, and I buried the ashes under an oak tree on my sister’s ranch. Used an old post-hole digger. I’ve walked by that area once or twice, but never had any wish to stop. It’s a place that invokes sad memories, and I’d simply rather not do that to myself.

People are different. What gives one soul comfort causes torment to another.

31

I last visited my father’s grave (died 2001) when my aunt died (2008).

That’s my general pattern. If I’m already at the cemetery, I’ll go by.

32

We usually hit up all the grandparents on Memorial Day, since we like to go out for my grandpa (he was a vet). Fortunately, my grandparents on both sides of the family (and even my ex-stepdad’s grandparents, coincidentally) are in the same cemetery. I wouldn’t mind being buried there some day, it’s a nice place. Very roomy and green, and they give out free flowers on holidays.

33

I went a few times a year for many years for my wife, and even now I go at least once a year. I partly went for my own needs, and I don’t need to as much anymore. It wasn’t painful to go visit her grave. Her dying was what was painful. She was only 40.

I took our kids a few times, but the didn’t seem to like to go, and they have never asked to go, so I stopped taking them. My (second) wife goes with me usually, nowadays. I appreciate that she does.

I don’t believe in life after death. But you know, on the infintesimally small chance that there is some sort of awareness, I want her to know she is not forgotten, that she is still loved. I know that is not consistent, but it is how I feel. I do talk to her in my head while I am visiting. Also, I sometimes think, “wow, there is only a few feet of soil and gravel between me and the box holding her coffin under my feet.” It is as close as I can be to her now. As I stand there, I also sometimes wonder what she looks like now, if she has turned entirely to dust, or is a skeleton like in the movies, or some combination of goo and dust and dirt (and that is not a request for someone to tell me). I can imagine the necklace that she was wearing, and the beautiful kimono, laying there in the dark, and I hope she is feeling peace if she feels anything. In the coffin, in the edge between the two halves of the lid, there was a little drawer, and I put a little letter to her in the drawer, as well as some notes from the kids. Again, I don’t believe in life after death or a soul or anything like that; I just don’t feel compelled to be intellectually consistent in this instance.

Also, she was Japanese, but she is buried over here in the U.S., and I feel it is important to take care of her grave and visit it on her family’s behalf. Visiting graves is an important activity with various “rules” and customs for many Japanese families, and I think her parents and siblings would feel bad if no one was visiting her.

I happened to go last week for the first time in about a year, and her gravestone was completely covered by the dried remains of fallen leaves, etc., from last autumn. I felt horrible when I saw it, like I had been derelict in my duty. Left like that, in a year or so it would be covered by the grass and “lost.” Part of the problem was that it had become sunken relative to the turf around it, allowing it to catch and accumulate debris, so I stopped in at the cemetary office and asked them to reset it. I will go in a few weeks and see how it is.

34

Oh and for people saying it’s creepy, or they’re dead and they won’t know… it doesn’t have to be creepy. And you don’t do it for the dead people, you do it for the ones who are *still alive *(same as funerals).

Grave visiting is a pretty big event in my family. We put flowers down, clean off the headstones, then eat ice cream and chili dogs at the Dari-Dip next door while reminiscing. I miss the people who’ve died of course, so it’s not all sunshine and roses… but, I always leave glad I got to see the family who’re still left, while renewing memories about the ones who aren’t.

As much as I fear the act of dying (because it will probably hurt), I’m not afraid of being dead. Maybe this is why? I guess I’m lucky in that my family is pretty good at acknowledging our mortality. I didn’t think what we did would be so strange to so many.

35

For the record, I don’t hate cemeteries or think they are creepy - many of them are rather pretty and there are some fascinating tombs and sculptures, etc. I used to live across from one that was very nice to walk through in the spring and summer evenings.

I’m not particularly creeped out by the dead or by funerals, but I don’t really think that the body in the casket is the person I knew and I think it’s weird to dress it up and keep it around for a few days for everyone to stare at it. As for cemeteries, I just don’t think they make sense. I can accept the cultural/historical/religious reasons for cemeteries, but I think they are all rather silly.

36

I haven’t deliberately visited a grave for years. Last time I saw my dad’s grave was when my great aunt was buried - her plot was close to his.

When we were kids, Mom and Dad would take us to leave flowers in the cemetery a 2 or 3 times a year - both sides of the family were in the same place. But in the last 20 years or so, I’ve only been there 4 or 5 times - both maternal grandparents’ funerals, Dad’s, and Aunt Clara’s. And I think I went once after Dad’s marker was in place.

I didn’t like the ritual as a kid and apart from being more than 2 hours away, I really don’t get the point of it now.

37

I like walking through cemeteries myself, the older ones. The newer ones are pretty dull places, all of the headstones much of a muchness. I know a lot of old folks who get all wrought up over keeping the graves nice and tidy, bringing plants or flowers a couple of times a year, and call and nag their adult children non-stop to come pick them up and make a day of it. :rolleyes: I have no interest in ‘visiting’ relatives gravesites myself, and the fact that they’re a long drive from my house is another factor.

38

My dad’s grave is about a 20 mile drive from me, and I’ve only been there once since his burial in 1999. And that was because my aunt and uncle asked me to take them there.

I actually like cemeteries. I visit Graceland all the time because it’s filled with famous Chicagoans. I even like my dad’s cemetery because it has a pet cemetery connected with it.
I think it’s inertia more than anything that keeps me from going more often.

That, and the stones are mostly flush with the ground so that the groundskeepers can drive mowers on it. As a result, I spent a good deal of time on that last visit digging out the goose shit from my great aunt’s gravestone which is near my dad’s. That’s a memory I can do without.

39

I have no cemetery hate; they are indeed peaceful places. I grew up across the street from one (which now holds many people that I know) and played there as a child. It’s just that the death of my infant daughter was so awful and painful that going to see her grave is no comfort, it’s just a hideous reminder of the most awful time in my life. I just can’t put myself through it, and frankly, I can stand a lot. Just not that.

She is not in the cemetery where my father and grandparents are; that’s the graveyard in the parish where I grew up, and it is literally filled with all kinds of people I knew. I’m from a very small town and it’s extremely bittersweet to walk through there and see the names of so many people I loved.

It’s just hard. Sorry.

40

I’m sorry. :frowning: You don’t have to explain, but I’m glad you did. Grave-visiting is just one of those things I grew up doing every year. I guess I never really thought that everybody else wouldn’t do the same.