I’m 2000 miles away from my parents, and they live in a closed-minded village that doesn’t tolerate my lifestyle (I’m a lesbian). I’ve never been back since I moved here.
As often as you like. If you don’t get along, then they need to make their own friends. You can’t buy someone’s love with lavish gifts.
Maybe the parents don’t WANT to be visited. Not everyone enjoys the company of their children.
That sounds about right to me…
My mom (she’ll be 80 in January) lives about 2 hours from me, but all of my sibs are within 30 minutes of her, one sister living about 6 miles away. Mom is widowed, living alone in a house that’s too big for her on almost 7 acres. I’d love for her to move into a condo, but she likes the solitude and the garden. My brother helps her manage her finances, my youngest sis will go see her every couple of weeks to help out with big chores, the nearby sister and BIL pop in frequently. The other sister and I see her occasionally, since we lived the farthest away. But between email and the phone, we all stay pretty well connected.
My biggest worry about my mother is if she fell or was hurt badly at home. Because of her isolation, no one could hear her call for help. My pleas that she carry her cell phone at all times have been unheeded. A child can only do so much with and for a stubborn parent. I should enlist my bro to press the phone issue - for some reason, his word carries more weight with her. :rolleyes:
Since I am considered an elderly parent, I feel my children have lives of their own and can visit me when ever they desire to, they have lives of their own, children and grandchildren, My children do visit when they can. I am always happy to see them, but I like that they visit me as they do and are not pressured to come to visit. I know it is because they want to visit my husband and I and don’t feel obligated. With the Phone and internet I feel they are showing concern for us.
I’m an over the road truck driver. This keeps me away from home for 4 to 5 weeks at a time. I try to call my dad (my mom has passed on) once a week and I try to spend a day with him every time I’m in town.
This is an interesting question in that my sister and I have quite different approaches to the same set of parents despite the fact that we have more or less the same relationship with them.
My sister used to call my parents literally every day, or at least 5-6 times a week. She and her husband made an effort to see them once a month of so (they live a 3-hour drive away, and the drive necessitates driving through most of Toronto, among the worst cities to drive through in North America.) By way of comparison, I call once a week. Unless they call me first, in which case I’ve no reason to call them. I visit on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and their birthdays, and maybe once or twice a year when I’m passing through anyway. They are very resistant to the idea of coming to visit my sister and I (we live close to each other) so that’ll only happen on the kids’ birthdays, really.
This isn’t because I am less fond of them or them of me, not at all. It’s just what works for me. I have time for a call a week, more or less. I don’t even know what the hell else there would be to talk about. And what’s funny is that my sister’s relationship with them is FAR more acrimonious - she gets into battles with my parents, especially my mother, that are completely baffling to me, whereas my relationship with them has been happy and genial for as long as I can remember. I have tried to coach my sister into the idea that maybe a grown woman doesn’t need to talk to Mommy and Daddy every day, and to her credit she’s backing off a little.
I used to live 50 miles (about an hour drive) away from my mom and would visit, drive her to doctor’s appointments, and take her to the grocery store between 1-3x a month. My sister lived over 1000 miles away, visited once a year, did nothing (compared to my contributions) in my mom’s day-to-day life, but my mom liked her better. I got tired of feeling like I was being taken advantage of, stopped visiting, implied that she should start taking the (free!) disability bus for groceries, and recommended she find a doctor in her new city. Because I wasn’t going to be making the 6-hour round trip to her house, to the doctor, back to her house, and back home on my dime anymore. She wouldn’t pay for the gas to cover it, not to mention the amount of PTO I ran through for her emergencies, and I was running myself broke with nothing to show for it but stress and anger from her hammering through a laundry list of my faults every single minute we spent together.
Now I live 700 miles away. I wouldn’t say I moved away *because *of my mom–I moved because of my boyfriend–but her actions sure as hell didn’t give me a reason to stay. If I visit every 5 years between now and her death, that would be too often.
That is pretty sad. There’s got to be something up with her. But the fact that she’s taking money from them and not returning it and showing as if she hardly cares about them seems bratty.
Anyway, my parent’s parents (a.k.a my grandparents) live in India, so we only get to see them at most, once every two years for a few days.
And it sucks for my parents, and quite a pain for them every time our vacation is over.
You’re assuming the OP is a reliable narrator. Either they are intimately connected with the family, which would certainly bias them one way or another - or they are not, in which case they are talking about a situation of which they may only have a partial understanding and which is certainly not really their business.
The answer to the thread title is that it varies greatly depending on family and circumstances, which is why it’s best to worry about your own personal relationships and not get bothered about how other people handle theirs.
I want to tell a little story. I was investigating some possible Money Laundering. Turned out it was a 88yo woman sending funds (in a structured manner) to some Canadian Lottery scammers.
I went out there and managed to convince her it was a scam. She had already sent them nearly $100k.
Now, here’s the point. Her son had put her in a (very nice) Home. The scammers called her every day and chatted for her for at least a hour. Her son called her once a week for 10 minutes and visited once a month.
He called, very angry that no-one could get her $$ back (actually we had stopped a few thou from getting all the way into their hands, but…) . Then I pointed out that the scammers were being better friends to Mom than her own son and grandkids. He thought that the fact he had put her in a very nice Home was enough.
Not talking to the Parents can cost you $$. Besides the fact that when they die you’ll blame yourself for not talking to them more often.
I have an elderly mother. It takes me four hours to go and see her. I do not drive and so I have to take three trains and a cab because she is not near the train station and there is no bus. We have had a very rocky relationship over many years, but now that she is older she seemed to settle down. Because of the distance and the expense to travel to see her, it can not be done in one day so I have to stay a night or two somewhere which pushes up the cost and I do not earn a fortune and do not really have much savings.
I usually go three time a year simply because of cost and distance and getting enough time off work to do so.
My mother has complained that other daughters and sons go more often (she is in a care home) and I pointed out that they drive and live close by so visiting is easier. She would not accept that and told me it was my duty to go more. Then completely out of the blue she said that because I did not visit that often or as often as other peoples families did, she was re making her will and any money left in her bank account at the time of her death would go to a couple of friends from her church who have been to see her every week and she felt I did not deserve to inherit whatever she would have at the time. She then said I really did not need the money because when I retire I get a very good work pension so what would I need her money for. She then said she was going to revoke her power of attourney and stop it (currently I am listed as her power of attourney). She says that power of attourney is only valid if she was unable to make decisions or pay bills and then I as power of attourney would step in and see to these things. She did not think she would be in such bad health that I would have to ask the doctors to do something on her behalf. She has very mild dementia which she does not think will get much worse so from that point she feels she will be ok to not have me or anyone else as power of attourney. She said that when she dies all I need to do is go to the home and sort out her belongings such as they are and take what I need and give the rest away. I will always be her next of kin as I am the only family she has so that will not change so I will organise her funeral which she has stated what she wanted and it has all been paid for years ago so we do not need to do anything about that.
I have accepted what she wants to do about her money and her power of attourney. I honestly cannot visit as often as if I were living closer and to be honest, we have a bad relationship so I think its best as it is but she feels I have totally neglected her (she is 90) what does anyone else feel or think.
Very beautiful reply! Due to a lot of reasons, I wasn’t close to my family. I preferred to believe I was adopted or there was a mix up in the hospital when I was born. Even my wife mentioned that they were nothing like me.
Anyway, I now in live in Mexico. And I really enjoy how paramount the family is here. Family will travel long distances to share a birthday of a young family member. These people aren’t rich, but they always find a way to visit and share these events. I have been adopted by a few families and I am so proud that they are sharing their lives with me. I now have families. And it is so beautiful.
I have severe social anxiety disorder and it took me a good 20 years to forgive my mother for enabling my abuse as a child, and her continued choice in mate causes me a lot of issues. I’m fairly happy that I live over 500 miles away and am way too poor to ever visit. Even from such a distance she’s managed to cause problems in my marriage and general well-being.
My younger siblings have a much closer relationship with her, probably because they never had to know their father, and never had to suffer through being her first born son.
All my aunts and uncles who seem to have any degree of happiness were ones who moved far away from their parents (my mother’s mother in particular). Yet my grandmother now lives with one of my uncles at the end of her life. I could never do that.
There is no Should.
YMMV, a lot.
My mother thinks there is and I SHOULD go. I am not saying I never go but I dont go enough for her liking and when I got told off for not going as often, I said I was actually looking up the train times in order to visit, she did not believe me. One Christmas I went and took a card and a gift and I did not even get a card or anything from her and I am her daughter. She cannot get out much and is in a care home but the home sell christmas cards and she bought some to give to thoe who gave cards to her saying well they gave me a card so I have to give them one too and she went to the lady selling the cards in the home and wrote them out. I was naturally very upset because I am her daughter and its not as if she had to go out to buy a card, they were already in the home and I was crying and said to her… why didnt you write me a card as well, I am your daughter. It was not hard because she had the pack of cards on the table and could have used one and when I visited her said here you are happy Christmas. She could not see why I was so upset and she said I was expecting too much from her. Then she wonders why I hardly visit. I hated that Christmas and if I could have walked out and gone home I would have done so as I was too upset to enjoy anything.
There may be some social rule as to this situation, but I am sure that most folks do what is best for them and their family.
I strongly disliked my father, and while I liked my mother, I did not see them often. I have many siblings and some of them saw my parents often, according to them. Although I am not sure how honest they have been about the frequency of their visits. I do not care about that. It is none of my business. My parents are dead now and I have no regrets.
There is a reason I moved over 1300 miles away from my “family”. I will not go into details. What worked for me was, almost no phone calls, and even less visits.
My FIL on the other hand lived with my family for the last five years of his life. We had a ball! I miss him.
So each person is different as is each relationship. IHTH, 48.
See, this bothers me. I think homes are not such an awful thing, to be honest. And I don’t like when people put them down.
Some people literally cannot take care of Mom or Dad at home. Do you know how hard it is to take care of an elderly patient with even mild dementia that is really strong? You have to watch them constantly. You have to make sure they don’t get into things, take care of them, childproof your home. And it’s not like your own life grinds to a halt.
Some people can do it. I’ve also seen some people sanctimoniously state THEY can do it, why can’t everyone? meanwhile grandma is wandering out in the yard every day and no one is watching her close enough.
The home has got friends her age, activities, and oftentimes even though they resist they end up being happier in a home because a lot of the sources of stress are gone.
All I’m saying is, it’s different for every person. You don’t know what their story is, you can only judge. And in this case, what kind of job was the home doing, letting the scammers talking to her every day for an hour, and never informing the son?
I’m not saying the son in your case might not be truly irresponsible. I’m just saying, it’s not always the best, keeping them at home.
Lastly, my boss had to put her mom in a home - she had severe dementia, and I know she felt guilty - but she couldn’t take care of her! She has two young kids who also need her attention. The home is 24-7 care.
I saw my father three times between Christmas of 1994 and mid-2003 (one of those was because I nearly ran into him at BJ’s wholesale). Since 2003 I’ve seen him 5 or 6 times even though I have mostly lived within 60 minutes, and never more than 90 minutes. The last time I saw him was when I took my 9 year old niece to meet her grandfather for the first time. That was 17 months ago. I don’t talk to him or email him between his invites to come over for holidays. I must note that those invitations only started about 4 years ago since prior to that my stepmother “lost track” of me. I worry that I will feel guilty when he dies. But when I do visit, he never talks to me so I am not too worried about it.
I generally talk to my mother anywhere between zero and 4 times a week. While she is old enough to be considered elderly, she isn’t in any way frail. In fact, the last time I talked to her she had been out mowing her 6 acres and building burn piles. I almost never visit her even though she lives less than an hour away (non-rush hour). She stops my my house at least once a month since she works not far from here and plays golf even closer. If she were to become frail, I would visit once a week or so if she stayed in her current house. I would keep the visits short because time in excess of 40 minutes becomes painful
My mother is 89. I try and visit 4 times a year (never on holidays because of the stress on traveling on a holiday–I’m old too!). I live on the other side of the US.
I send her cards and gift cards to restaurants between times since she likes to eat out.
We talk weekly usually.
I pay some of her bills.
I know this post is about time, but I’d like to suggest that if you have an elderly parent, occasionally get them to take off their shoes so you can check their toenails and clip them if necessary. So many people ‘of age’ can’t bend down to clip their nails.