I believe it is a pattern of behavior established early in the lives of those involved.
For example, when my siblings and I were pre-teens, my mother remarried, and she and her new husband decided to move the family halfway across the country, away from all relatives. From that point on, we had little-to-no contact with the family we’d known prior to the move (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). So, we grew up without any family-bonding type of relationships. Grandparents were visited on average once every two years until we were well into our late teens, when contact with them dropped to phone calls on birthdays (ours, not theirs) and Christmas and nothing else. I never knew the birthdays of my Grandparents and was never asked or encouraged to send them cards or gifts for any occasion whatsoever.
After leaving home in my early twenties, this learned behavior continued in the same way towards my parents; we very rarely communicated, visited on Christmas for a year or two, then a phone conversation once or twice a year was pretty much it.
Given the above, I felt a variety of emotions when my mother (now quite elderly) over the last few years decided that we need to communicate and visit more often (even though I currently live over 2K miles away from her), mostly becoming quite abusive and rude about it. I find her behavior fascinating and strange given the history, but have maintained “high ground” and refuse to return any rudeness or harsh words. So far, anyway.
When both of my parents were alive I saw them maybe once a week.
It depended on what was going on. They traveled a lot after my father retired.
After my father died I made sure I saw my mother at least once a week and called her everyday.
Now I live with my mother and I can go several days without seeing or talking to her even when she is home. That probably sounds strange but we live on different floors and unless we are both in the kitchen/dining room at the same time we don’t run into each other. When her bf isn’t here I’ll check on her. When she is traveling we don’t talk at all unless something important comes up.
If she were living by herself I would call her everyday to check up on her and if I lived close enough I’d see her at least once a week. I’d feel like scum if my mother died at home and laid there for days or weeks without anybody noticing.
Perhaps I should have made my post more clear. The daughter is given by her parents quite a large sum of money every Christmas, and she and her husband use a lot of the money for travel; Hawaii, Europe, etc. (first-class). She can wait in security lines, etc. at airports but cannot visit her parents who live 20 minutes away, and literally has never said to them “Is there anything I can help you with?”, as her parents do not drive anymore. I see her as selfish and spoiled, but her parents love her as she is their daughter, and their relationship is good between them. I maintain my position that adult children of aging parents should visit their parents on a timely basis, if they live in the area. I have the utmost respect for children of aging parents that do visit their parents. Unless there was terrible abuse, all adult children of aging parents should visit their parents. It’s called doing the right thing, and having high moral standards.
We have six kids in our family, my mom just passed at 94. My sister lived next door and one sister stayed with my mother. The four brothers would visit at least once a month and usually at least once a week phone calls. My mom would talk incessantly about religion and the wondeful priests and drive us all nuts.
We live 5 miles from my parents and see them at least once per week, on average. We live 6 hours from my mother-in-law, so only see her 3-5 times per year. FIL is 2 hours away, but we only see him 1-2 times per year. It’s an odd dynamic. Phone conversations are more frequent than visits in all cases
I don’t believe adult children really owe their parents anything. If you’ve been a good mother or father, hopefully your children will turn out ok and will want to see you because they love you. If they don’t, I pretty much always assume the parents deserve it somehow. By the same token, though, I do not believe parents owe anything to their kids once they’re grown. All of it is voluntary, and I think the best thing is to keep your nose out of other people’s personal business, which this certainly is.
This girl does sound very spoiled, but you know, it’s still none of YOUR business, unless you are the parent! Why don’t her parents say something, if that’s what they want? Trust me, if it’s really bothering them, the resentment will eventually spill over. In the meantime, maybe they are happy they can give money to their daughter and let her travel. Maybe they didn’t get to travel much, and now they are wish-fulfilling through their daughter. Maybe their daughter happy makes them happy.
My parents live in the same sub division around the block and I don’t even see them once a week. They both drive and are in their late 60s so I don’t know if that is “elderly”. They can (and do) pop in whenever they want.
My brother calls them daily and my sister’s partner does as well so I guess I am the bad sibling. If they need me they can stop by on the way back from their errands.
I used to see my mother two or three times a week and talk to her on the phone about that often. She lived about ten or fifteen minutes away. Before I had children (and before she retired), we’d see her maybe once a month and I’d call every couple of weeks. Mr. Legend’s parents were always a bit clingier, so we visited them every couple of weeks before we had kids, even though they lived an hour away, and we talked to them on the phone every few days. After we had children, we saw them weekly unless there was some special circumstance, and talked to them every other day or so. I’m eternally grateful that my kids got the chance to grow up knowing their grandparents well.
Once our mom could be considered “elderly” (and, oh, how she hated that word!), my brother called her a couple of times a week and usually visited her once a week. Before that, he talked to her less frequently, but they still had pretty regular contact. He lived about 30 minutes away.
Now that my mom and my mother-in-law are dead, we see my father-in-law at least once a week, and we talk to him on the phone almost nightly. Sometimes it’s a hassle, but he’s 84 and I know we don’t have that much more time with him, so it’s worth it.
However, if our family didn’t feel like visiting that often, or if we felt like visiting daily, I would still consider it none of anyone else’s business.
OP, to make an assessment of what she should do, don’t you need to sit down with the parents and ask them what they want? maybe they are paying her not to come over…who knows.
Has it ever occurred to you that the relationship of that individual with her parents may not be stellar and that she doesn’t -want- them in her life in a more than perfunctory manner?
Adult child here, elderly parents 9 hours away, and visiting them once a year is plenty and enough.
My sisters were 90 minutes away, I lived in town. They visited every 8-10 weeks while I was the local on call person. Once Dad passed they increased their visits to 24 hours every two weeks while I was still on call. Even in my supposed day off, if the whole family wanted to be together, then I gave up my day off. Now that Mom is gone too, there are lots of hard feelings. Probably won’t see them face to face again. Alright by me.
I’ll admit I feel some guilt over this issue in my family. As I wrote above, I live a few hundred miles away from my parents. My sister lives several states away. My brother lives next door to them. So inevitably he ends up having a much greater burden than either my sister or I do. As you note, he’s the one who’s “on call”.
My feeling is that if you don’t visit for the parents, then visit to give your siblings some time off. Just be aware how much the other caretakers are giving.
yes. I’m 2 hours from my parents, on sibling is across the country, one is 20 minutes away and one is a 5 minute walk. The two who are closer do end up beating more of the burden.i try to do what I can, but I admit I don’t visit often.
How the parent raised the child as to what was expected family behavior - did the parents visit their own parents? Did they make it obvious that the kids needed to DO anything in order to get money and perks from their parents?
The current relationship between the parents and adult child. Maybe they’re estranged. Maybe they are totally different personality types, and love each other dearly but can’t stand to be in the same room? Maybe the parents or the child aren’t really emotional or close by nature, and choose to keep their distance. Maybe the parents were abusive, and now they feel guilty so they’re paying for the child to have a lovely life now.
It isn’t anyone else’s business! If they are happy with their arrangement, then yay for them! If they aren’t happy, well, they’re all grownups, so they can work it out themselves. If they aren’t able or willing to work it out themselves, they aren’t going to welcome a nosy stranger telling them what for like they don’t already know it.
My office moved over an hour away from the retirement community my mother lives in, so no more dropping by for lunch, and frankly, after work and my now tripled drive, I’m tired. I see her every weekend, at which point she a.) bitches I don’t come more often and b.)bitches because I can’t stay longer. To her, my weekends, when I have errands, cleaning, the usual, are HER time. Visiting is now a chore I add to my list. And the ALZ means we have the same 5 conversations everytime.
I live in another country so I try to see my folks a couple times a year usually for several weeks at a time with my kids. Now that one of them is school age that doesn’t happen as frequently. One sibling lives with them to care for them and another visits every weekend and stays over. If I lived in the same area I would be visiting a couple times a week probably living in the same neighborhood. They have significant health issues and I like hanging out in the house I grew up in.
It isn’t really for anyone else to say what’s the right amount of visiting for anyone else. I think the natural tendency is to compare other people’s behavior with our own. If I lived that close to my mom I’d be over there a lot more, but I’d visit my dad on more or less the schedule described in the OP.
