“Well, if I based my management decisions on your management practices, my team would end up with your team’s low productivity scores and everyone would lose. That would be…unfortunate.”
Wait, was the whole idiot thing in response to her e-mail to you? Please, oh please, say that it was! Erm. . . I’m in particular need of proof that good sometimes wins at the mo. . .
I like that.
How about this:
I find your complaints petty and your managing methods counterproductive. If I ever find out that you ever criticize me again, either to my face or behind my back I shall ask the boss’ boss to fire your hopeless ass and assign your team to me. This will increase my staff size with the promise of increasing their numbers and saving the entire cost of your pay and benefits package because we could use those assets much more productively without your sorry, whining ass. Then you can go demoralize another sales team at another company. Die Bitch! Die!!!
This is the best plan that’s ever been proposed in any context ever.
Yes, but she’s been told that her management blows and she needs you to tell her how to do it. And presumably you’re going to get to help pass judgement on whether or not she improves!
Tell your boss that she’s already familiar with your methods, at least superficially, and she is disinclined to adopt them.
As evidence, show your boss the email, and suggest that he cut to the chase and dump her.
Take your coworker out for lunch at the end of any month she does the managing stuff you tell her to.
Make sure she knows in advance that if she shows this measured improvement, this will be her reward.
Might have worked when he was told.
As of now, she’s Skald’s bitch.
Drop the attitude, accept a different way of doing things, or start looking for another job.
Oh, and let’s start with taking your team out for lunch…
(And I don’t want to hear you bitching about ANY aspect of it before, during or after.)
It would be … sweet … if things were going to work that way. But the thing is, our immediate boss wants her to keep her job and thinks that she, or rather her amazing boobs, are quite an asset to the company, by which I mean his pants.
Aw crap. Is this a case of shape her up but don’t make her unhappy? That would truly suck.
No, I have leave to make her unhappy, as our boss’s bonus is contingent on his managers’ performance (just as each manager’s bonus depends on the performance of the people on their teams). But I don’t like her and dont’ want to deal with her and her boundless-but-unfounded confidence.
Be really condesending. That should annoy her.
Or take parts of her job and be all, “Sorry, I didn’t think you could handle it. Refilling the printer takes brains”
I hate the type of people who think they’re “all that”. Surprised they don’t overbalance with their fat heads in the way. Oh wait, her boobs must make up for it…
Bump.
So how goes the taming of the shrew?
She has taken the instruction “learn from your fellow manager how to better manage your team so that you don’t lose your job” to mean “persuade your fellow manager to do as much of your work as possible through the magic of your boobs.”
Just a minute!
Are you saying that this nincompoop manager is in fact … hot?! 
Well that changes everything.
You have intelligence, efficiency, hard work, style and good management practice on your side.
She has a good body? Right, I’m on her side now. 
She’s extremely hot. But she’s also a bitch who uses her sex appeal to control people, or at least tries to.
From your posting here, I’ll assume she is failing miserably at her attempts to “delegate”. And depending on her level of annoying, you should be deriving a great deal of amusement from her attempts.
Is there any way you can convince her you’re gay? Scribbling Sharpie mustaches on family photos is an option here, by the way.
The Power of Breasts compels you!