question for team players

In My Humble Opinion
1

Asking for a friend.

I fortunately work from home, alone, and don’t have to deal with office bullshit.

A friend of mine got a new job a couple of months ago. She feels very unwelcome on the team she has been assigned to. Some of the stuff her teammates do seems a bit childish to me, it upsets her. For instance they will invite her to go to lunch with them then they will sneak out and leave her behind. Once a month or so they bring in breakfast. They asked her if she would like to participate and she suggested she bring in a fruit salad. The next day nobody ate her salad and one of the other women asked loudly who would be stupid enough to bring a fruit salad for breakfast?

One other person in the department told her she should do her best to get off that team because they have a bad reputation in the company, they goof off too much, joke too much, laugh too loud.

So here is what she is worried about now and I told her I’d not worry about it at all.
Several of them were assigned large projects that they can’t complete by themselves. Everybody pitched in and helped the first person get her part done. When my friend’s time came she asked another person on the team if he would help her and he told her no, he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t like her work ethic. She finished her part of the project and then sent out an email thanking everybody who helped her. She left his name off the email and now he is upset and having a fit over it.

She is all upset, worried that this will somehow come back on her. I said who cares if he has a fit, he refused to help and he doesn’t get a thank you. If he doesn’t like it then maybe he needs to grow up and do his job.

However, I always sucked at office politics.

How would you have handled it?

2

Changed companies.

3

She’s working on it.

4

Step 1: Seek and find new job.
Step 2: Last day of work, treat everyone to ex-lax brownies.

5

Agree. The toxic culture in that group is nothing she is going to be able to change and she’ll be swimming upstream the entire time she’s there. They will find a way to blame all the issues on the newbie and she will be left holding the bag while they skate on as they clearly have always done.

And don’t worry about being candid with future employers. Every company has encountered one of these situation and won’t blame her one bit for wanting out.

6

I think her only option is to shrug it off and ignore that guy and any other teammates that act similarly. It’s highly unlikely they’re going to all just get along no matter what she does. Try to move to another division or look for another job if it’s unbearable.

I’ve been aware of teams like that, where everyone acts like a child, but never actually been a part of one. It must be insufferable.

7

If the company is big enough to have teams, it probably has more than one team.

So while changing teams is imperative, changing employers might not be.

8

When asked if I wanted to participate the in the breakfast thing, I would have asked what people tended to bring or what was needed and go from there.

When asked to lunch and sneaked out on (which strikes me as one of those things that might be a matter of miscommunication), I would do nothing.

When refused help, I would send out private notes to those who helped saying thank you, or a general email saying “Thank you for those who helped.” I would not attempt to single out someone for not helping by leaving them out of a general email.

What I would do going forward, if she is to remain on the team:

Approach whoever asked originally about breakfast. Say, “My fruit salad went over like a lead balloon, but I’d still like to be involved. Any suggestions for better stuff to bring?” I would also try to think of ways to bring in food and treats, preferably not always super calorie-intensive (so, not always doughnuts, for example). People like food and you really can win friends with it. We’re a weird species.

Ask individuals if they are free for lunch, and don;t take it amiss if they aren’t. Personally, I hate going out to lunch. I would rather eat in the lunchroom or at my desk, so I don’t place too much importance on lunch.

Don’t whine about the team to coworkers. People may be sympathetic, but when it comes time for a change, they may not want you on their team either if they feel you’re a whiner.

There’s nothing wrong with laughing loud or joking often. Goofing off (or giving the impression of such) is not a good idea. You can only control the reputation of a team so far as you are the reputation of the team, so get the work done on time. And cultivate friendships outside of the team so that a transfer would go smoothly if you end up switching to a different team.

Generally, I would try to establish a pattern of friendliness, competence, diligence, and willingness to help. Don’t play passive aggressive bullshit games. Don’t play tit for tat. Laugh at yourself and the “fruit salad debacle.” Be a friend when you can.

9

Entirely too sensible and adult, jsgoddess. You’re fired.

10

The mission is: impress people on other teams so if theres a vacancy they want that nice person suffering on team arsehole than get john q randomnewhire.

Politely dodge socialisation, try to make friends outside the team.

Dont whine, but if asked, dont try to win an oscar acting everythings great

11

I make it a rule not take what people tell me as gospel. These are the events as your friend has experienced them. Even if she’s being 100% honest, that may or not jibe with reality.

Does it make sense that the entire team are a bunch of dicks? Not one nice, helpful person among them?

12

Thanks for the advice - I will pass it on to her.

She was called into the office and asked about what was said to her. She doesn’t know how management found out. Since he was stupid enough to follow up by sending her a nasty email? I told her either somebody overheard it or emails are being monitored. In either case it’s not her issue anymore, it’s his. She is afraid that now it will only be worse for her.

He was called into the office as well, she doesn’t know what was said but I suspect he got an attitude adjustment.

A meeting was held in which they were all reminded that they are professionals and expected to behave that way. Everybody is expected to pull together as a team.

I hated to say it to her but I also told her I think she is being too sensitive.
She really got upset when one day she walked past a co-worker and said hi to her. The co-worker said. ‘oh, we were all just talking about you. We’ve decided you are the devil’. She got very upset over it and asked me what I thought they meant. I said I think it means they are stupid, and if they spent as much time working as they do gossiping then the team wouldn’t have such a bad reputation.

Hard to believe these are adults. Professional, well educated adults.

13

Not in principle, but as everything there is a line where we move to “too loud” or “too often”, and while I’ve known people who would have understood “you are the Devil” to be a joke it’s not a particularly elegant one. I’ve been in teams where the jokes flied while typing like mad, and in others where some people’s sense of humor seemed to be built of lead shoes. If their noise bothers other coworkers nearby then they should tone it down.

Is she actually reacting in any way other than freezing, pouting and being unprofessional back? I’d ask what should I bring for breakfast, would have sent the “thank you” email to the whole group (“thanks for your help” already includes “you know who you are, and those of you who didn’t just to be mean can fuck off”, it doesn’t need to be spelled out).

She should be professional, leave her own side of petty at the door, and do the best job she can do. And at some point, start working on a new job.

14

Fired everyone on that team.

15

The only thing you can do in a situation like that is to keep things professional, and remember to treat people as well as you’d appreciate being treated. Interact with them when the job demands it; otherwise leave them to their own devices.

That, and get out ASAP :frowning:

16

The serious answer kind of depends on the culture of the company. A company with a healthy culture will not tolerate the behavior the OP is experiencing. A company with a toxic culture will tend to treat the OP as the “nerd” who isn’t fitting in. If management is calling her into the office to find out what was said to her, fortunately it sounds like the former.

But generally you want to act friendly and professional, regardless of the behavior of other people. Just up and changing companies just because a situation is socially awkward isn’t always viable or desirable. All companies have jerks.

You might want to think about privately keeping a log of every time someone’s behavior is abusive or unprofessional towards you. Keep it factual and specific, but it doesn’t hurt to also indicate how those interactions made you feel. (e.g. When So-and-so called me “The Devil” it made me feel threatened and unappreciated.)

These notes are useful when explaining a situation to management and HR. Or in a worst case scenarion, when explaining it to HR in the context of filing a harassment lawsuit.
And women wonder why they get paid less then men.:smiley:

17

I’ll suggest to her that she keep a log.

I don’t know why the devil comment upset her so much, other than that she is a devout Christian. The comment doesn’t even make sense to me.
However, I’m a different type of personality. If they called me the devil I’d just smile and say, ‘yes I am, and you’d do well not to forget it’. Maybe start wearing an inverted cross to work.

This is why I am not the person to ask for office advice.