Is this high school?

The BBQ Pit
1

I actually love my job. I truly do. I started there six weeks ago, and it’s my dream computer job. I sit in my office (for starters, I have an OFFICE - I share it with my co-worker, but I’ve never had my own office before) and work on projects that require actual thought, unlike my past jobs, which were mostly drone-like administrative positions. This is a change, and I love that. It’s inspired me to go back to school to get my computer science degree, and I’ll be able to do that and work full-time at the same time.

However. When I was hired, my co-worker was moved from her former office in the management hallway to our new office, which is smack in the middle of another department. We really don’t have much to do with this other department. They alternate working at home and working at the office, so we don’t see the same faces every day - but it’s about six people every day - and they’re definitely all familiar by now. Still, I’ve made overtures to be friendly to them because I’m just that way - I like working in a pleasant environment (which this is, for the most part) and I try to facilitate that environment. However, this department, no matter who’s working, is incredibly cliquey. That’s fine - I know if they’ve been working together awhile, it’s hard NOT to become cliquey. My co-worker and I, from sharing an office, sit in our office and talk constantly. So it may seem like we’re cliquey but we’re always friendly if someone comes in.

My co-worker has been here a few years - so she knows everyone. So the department we’re near is very friendly to her. But I’m treated very coldly at times. I feel like it’s high school. My co-worker was off last Friday, and when she’s there, the department always makes a point to come in and ask if she wants to order lunch - I’m usually an afterthought, but at least they ask. I usually run home for lunch, but if I order in, I always check with the others to see if they want something. Last Friday, I really needed to order in and they were getting lunch from my favorite place. So, I waited while the supervisor made the rounds, worked on a project, figuring she’d get to me. Then I got caught up in my project and totally forgot about it. She never came to me. Whatever. I was a little hurt, since they ALWAYS come in when my co-worker is there, and my office is VERY visible to all of them, but I figured it was an oversight.

So today, they were ordering again. I managed to get in on the order when she came in to see if my co-worker wanted anything. IThe food came about an hour later, but I didn’t realize it. When I did realize it, the department had taken all the food to the kitchen for their lunch break. No one bothered to tell me that the food was there or they were taking it to the kitchen, and did I want to get my sandwich? Instead, I made my way back to the kitchen and asked for my sandwich. No one apologized for forgetting me, just waved a hand in the general direction of the food.

I’m starting to get a little frustrated. I’m not an unfriendly person and I’m not an OVERLY friendly person. I’ve made a few friends at the office and I don’t think anyone can say I’m not a nice person. My co-worker has told me that they’re just a cliquey department by definition and not to worry about it - it’s not me. But if I work in that close of a vicinity to people, I would at least like to feel like there’s not a hostile vibe in the air. I guess I’ll continue to be nice, but I won’t make it a priority to get to know them because obviously, they don’t care.

I won’t even get into my rant about mr. avabeth’s company. I hung up the phone after a conversation with him today yelling ‘Fucking assholes!’. At least I don’t have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning to deal with stuff my employees fucked up (he’s a district manager for a newspaper).

Ava

2

That’s really too bad, ava. Working at a job you like with people you like makes the days go by nice and quick, and puts a spring in your step. These cliquey people you work with - they’re just plain rude. No, we’re not in high school anymore, and it is juvenile to be friends with some of your co-workers and ignore others. What, do you have cooties or something?

My advice to you would be to ignore these people back. Don’t ask them to get you anything, just go and get your own and don’t ask them if they want anything. If they’re going to be that way, I would just withdraw my friendliness from them. Be welcoming and friendly to any new people coming in, just don’t bother with the prom queens. Be friendly if they come to you, but don’t go to them - if this is a power struggle, you win if you withdraw from the contest.

And for the record, the supervisor should be above the stupid cliquey-ness of the rest of the peons. Management sets the tone, and she obviously isn’t setting a very good one.

3

Hi avabeth!

We had a similar situation going on in our office recently, though I was on the “inside” looking out. Me and the two other girls close to my age in my office have gotten pretty close. We hang out sometimes at lunch, on breaks, and sometimes even go out together after work.

Another girl started working for us, as a temp, about a month ago. At first, we thought it would be great. She’s still in the same general age group, and seemed pretty nice…for about ten minutes. She became overly comfortable with her position in the company way too quickly and really ended up annoying everyone in the office.

**Disclaimer: I do not mean to imply that you have anything at all in common with this girl. I could tell stories about her, but there’s no reason to go into all of that in your thread.

My point is that sometimes it is hard to be the newest person in the office. There are politics and interpersonnel dilemmas going on all the time. Relax and give it some time. When I first started working for this same company, I thought that one of the girls I am friends with now didn’t like me at all. It took months for us to actually develop a friendship that extended beyond coworkers.

It does sound like your coworkers are shutting you out a bit, but maybe they don’t realize it. I have always found that the new person has to make the effort to fit in, as opposed to the office being overly accepting and friendly. I had to do that with this job, and all of the jobs I’ve had in a real office environment. No one went out of their way to be necessarily rude to me but no one extended any particular courtesies towards me either.

Give it a few more months. Do your job well, and be as friendly as you can be, naturally. Don’t force anything. I’m sure it will all work itself out.

4

Since your coworker is buddy-buddy with folks, can you talk about this matter with her? Maybe she can do a better job of inserting you into the clique.

Do you bake? I’ve found that bringing in cookies makes people more friendly. Leave them in the kitchen with a sign that says “Help yourself! -avabeth”. If people are relatively decent, they’ll bop into your office and thank you (especially if they’re good cookies).

Do these folks socialize outside of the office? Maybe your coworker and you can cohost a get-together. The others will see you there and know you’re “cool” and may take to you more freely since you’re in a neutral environment.

Maybe make friends with another coworker. Then, when your officemate is absent again, the other friend can “vouch” for your existence.

I don’t recommend giving them a cold shoulder, and here’s why: you will only escalate the isolation. They may still consider you a “newbie”–a nice newbie, but a newbie nonetheless. They may not be intentionally ignoring you, but rather waiting to get accostomed to your presence. But if you ignore them, then you’ll be the mean newbie or the bitchy newbie, and no one will forget that about you once you stop being “new”. Your goal shouldn’t be to become the most popular person in the office, but you don’t want to become the girl everyone talks about behind her back either.

5

Hmm, getting two different kinds of advice here. Take mine with a grain of salt, I guess - my personality is very much a self-sufficient loner who doesn’t want very many friends. I’m also 37 years old, and have a satisfying life outside of work and don’t care very much if I make friends at work. If my friendliness is snubbed, I ain’t making any more efforts. If this isn’t you, then ignore my advice. Still, don’t meet them more than halfway, because you don’t want to seem overeager or desperate, either. If these people really are juvenile and acting like they’re in high school, you seeming desperate will just be fuel on the fire for them.

6

I have mentioned it to my co-worker - she basically told me that they are very cliquey, and just not to worry about it. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who picks up on the feelings of others very intensely (a friend just told me to stop doing this last night), and if I’m snubbed, it stays with me for hours. My own bad personality trait, but one I can’t particularly help.

Featherlou, I used to be like that, but that was when I lived in NYC and had a whole circle of friends outside of work. I’ve just moved to Ohio to be with mr. avabeth, and I don’t know many people here. I have one friend that I’ve met through a wedding board we both hang out at, but we have weird schedules and can’t get together often. So I’ve seen work as a way to get to know people and possibly make friends. I love my fiance dearly, and this might sound awful, but I need to spend time with other people, preferably girlfriends. And for the most part, I’ve made friends at work. Everyone else is incredibly friendly and nice, and I don’t get these feelings from anyone but this department. And it’s because they’re in such close proximity that it bothers me. I certainly have no desire right now for these people to become my girlfriends - I’ve made friends in other departments, and they seem to be filling those roles.

Jaade, I honestly don’t force anything. I’m very into my job, and I spend most of my days heavily engrossed in my computer and my projects. But when I get up to go to the restroom or to the kitchen for a soda or a snack, I have to walk through these people. And when they’re looking at me, it’s only natural for me to smile or say hello. Part of me thinks it’s just polite for them to return that gesture - because that’s all it is, a gesture. I’m not asking them to invite me to the movies. I’d just like the unfriendly vibe to disappear.

What’s funny is that my co-worker and I have just hit it off like gangbusters. We do sit in our office and talk a LOT because we just get along really well. I don’t know if they act funny around me because she and I seem to get along so well, and they can hear our conversations, or what. I don’t know why that would make a difference, but maybe it does.

Thanks for the advice. It just frustrated me yesterday that I was totally overlooked with the lunch thing - I mean, hell, if lunch comes and someone’s ordered with you, wouldn’t it just be polite to stick a head in her office and say “Hey, lunch is here, we’re taking it to the kitchen, do you want to come or do you want your sandwich now?”.

Ava

7

Oh, monstro, sorry - I totally missed the part about baking something. I’ve thought about doing that because they definitely like it when people bring food in. Maybe I’ll make a batch of chocolate chip cookies tomorrow afternoon and take them in. I’d only be hitting about 1/3 of them since not all of them work at the same time, but maybe word would get around.

And I won’t act cold towards them. It’s just not my nature. I’ll just bring in the cookies and go back to my office, and be friendly when proximity calls for it. Maybe something will change, maybe not. Either way, I still love my job and the majority of my co-workers. My boss, my co-worker and I comprise our own small department, and it’s been fantastic. I can deal with a few unfriendly co-workers.

Ava

8

Wait a second, these people don’t even smile or say hello back when you say it to them? That really is rude.

9

Is it possible that it’s not you they’re snubbing, but that they’re trying to send a message to someone higher up? What I mean is, could there have been circumstances surrounding the person you replaced leaving the company and they’re angry about it? If so, they might resent you for replacing one of their buddies. I hate to make excuses for these people, because they sound incredibly rude, but I just thought that might be a possibility.
I say go ahead and bring the treats, and keep being the friendly person you are. If they don’t wake up, it’ll be their loss, not yours.

10

Nope. My position was created to pick up some of the work that my department has been getting - way too much for two people. So I didn’t replace anyone.

Featherlou, yep. I’d understand if I were draping myself over their desks and yelling “Say hello to me! Say it, say it, say it!”, but I’m just being polite when we cross paths. Normal behavior, or so you’d think, right?

I bought some cookie dough at the store earlier and I’ll make a batch of chocolate chip to take on Monday with me. Hopefully, it’ll be seen as a friendly gesture and get rid of some of the coldness.

Ava

11

  1. start bringing your lunch

  2. pick out one person in the group and make an effort to develop a relationship with that person

12

Damn it, County, I was hoping for a smart-ass answer, and here you are, giving me real advice!:smiley:

  1. I usually go home to eat because I only live 5 minutes from work. I won’t be ordering lunch with them again, though.

  2. That might work, but like I noted before, they alternate days in the office and days at home. So it would be tricky talking to the same person every day. But it’s a good suggestion - I’ll try to do it if I can. I think I’m just gun-shy on talking to ANY of them because I worry about being ignored.

Ava

13

Even county fucks up occasionally.

14

I had to deal with a situation like this during a contract last year. It’s one of the hazards of being a consultant, of course, but most times people at least make an effort to be civil and courteous.

This one assignment though, I felt like I had walked into the cheerleader’s room in high school (I only say cheerleaders, because they and I never got on well when I was in school - no offense to any cheerleaders intended).

It was a group of five other women - one of whom also happened to be a consultant, but had been there about six months longer than me. Unfortunately from day one, it was clear that I was intruding on hallowed ground. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I was a consultant but as time went on, it was clear that they simply didn’t like me. I can respect that, really, I can but sometimes it was just so harshly meted out - one day one of the girls went down the aisle, cubicle to cubicle, saying she was going out to lunch, would [so and so] like to join her? All 5 accepted of course, and despite any misgivings, I would have as well. Had she invited me. I was smack dab in the center of the aisle, she had to make a conscious decision to exclude me. And she certainly wasn’t discreet about it.

Christmas party a few months later, one person had to stay behind in case anything came up. Guess who was nominated?

It sucked. It finally came to a head when I came back from a much needed vacation, and the first thing I was treated to was an anonymous voice mail from a woman saying “Be careful, we’re watching you”. 2 minutes later I was called into the boss’ office, to be told that she had received complaints from the crew that I hadn’t answered several of my emails (all of which came in while I was on vacation in another friggin country). One of my biggest pet peeves about myself is that when I’m mad, I cry. So I promptly burst into tears, making myself even more angry. I left a month later, and never looked back.

15

Avabeth, how many of the people in question are men? I have found that men and women tend to act differently in this situation.

16

I’m more like featherlou at this point, I’m not looking for friendship from any of my co-workers (I’m just dating one :eek: ) But back when I was, at a different company, it took about 3 months before I felt comfortable there and that people were comfortable around me. I worked there three years and its been another three since I left, and I’m still great friends with two of my coworkers from there. It does take a while. Don’t get discouraged, avabeth. They just need to warm up to you in their own way. And I have no doubt they will since you sound so friendly and becuase of the efforts you’re making/have made.

My current coworkers probably call me The Bitch behind my back, I’m sure of it. But its not that I don’t return the hello’s and good-morning’s and smiles. I certainly do. It’s just that I don’t dance a jig for whoever comes in the door. I don’t offer personal information to every suit that walks by, so therefore I’m “secretive”. :rolleyes: I’ve never met a whole group of folks in one location that needs so much reassurance throughout the day. I never ask them to get me lunch, so then I never feel I need to offer to get them anything, and I know that also doesnt sit well with them. It does feel like highschool a lot of times. Sigh.

17

All women. I think that’s part of the problem.

I should’ve known better than to make cookies on Saturday night and expect them to stick around long enough for me to take this morning :rolleyes: . mr. avabeth and I finished them off (it was a very small batch to begin with). I’m going to make some tomorrow night again and take them directly to work on Wednesday.

I pretty much just kept to myself today, aside from talking to my office-mate and the girls we go on our breaks with. I honestly just didn’t feel like dealing with it.

We’ll see how Wednesday goes.

Ava