Pit your co-workers!

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear co-workers (you know who you are):

When you called off work today with the excuse that your father had just had a heart attack, ya know what? I didn’t really believe you. Know why? Because every fucking week you experience some new family crisis. What was it last week? Up all night at the emergency room with your pain meds-addicted boyfriend wasn’t it? Or was your baby sick again?

And let’s not forget co-worker #2:

Couple of weeks ago you tripped over your dog, fell down the steps and hurt your arm. Last week, let’s see: Wednesday you had to leave early because your fiancee’s ultrasound appointment was moved up. Thursday you had to leave early because your fiancee had an asthma attack and was taken to the hospital. Friday she called you off saying you were puking up blood. You come in two hours late Saturday with a doctor’s note for Friday - for a slipped disc! Today your fiancee, due 12/25, is apparently going into labor and is bleeding or something and someone called 911 and they’re taking her to the hospital, blah, blah, blah. And let’s not forget about the weekend you had to fly to Chicago so your daughter could have open heart surgery. Say, how many kids do you have anyway and where do they all live? You never can seem to keep your story straight on that. And which member of your family was trying to kill which member of your family the other night? That’s what, three times now you’ve had to break up fights between family members and the cops came and you were right in the middle of it and thought you were gonna go to jail, yadda, yadda…

Co-workers #3 & 4:

Yeah, I know life is tough for the modern married couple; you’re always bitching about your lack of money. Know what? Between the two of you last week you called off for 30 FUCKING HOURS! Hell, that’s a rent payment for you. Yeah it sucks that we don’t get sick pay and it sucks to work when you’re sick, but sometimes ya gotta suck it up and come in - especially for us management types (like you, hubby) who are supposed to be more responsible.

Special mention to long-ago co-worker who called off because her mother had just died. (Turns out her mom hadn’t in fact, died.) :rolleyes:

Special mention to the recent co-worker who called off…but came in to pick up her paycheck (not looking the LEAST bit sick)!

Fuck you one and all for making me feel cold-hearted and cynical. (Just FYI: no one believes your bullshit stories anymore.)

2

Dear Cow-Orker 1
Fuck you for making me a thief. Don’t worry, you’ll get your slinky back as soon as either you or I move to somewhere where I can’t hear you. When you left for two weeks, the silence was bliss. What did you do as soon as you got back? Started sscchilking away. You even had the balls to say to someone, “wow I’m surprised this is still here!”
Why are you surprised? Is it because you know it is fucking annoying and yet you keep doing it? Well, now I have to treat you like a little kid and take your toy away til you learn to play nice.

Dear Cow Orker 2
I don’t know if you think you smell bad or think that a gallon of perfume applied everyday smells good, but please use some constraint. I’m sure that perfume smells very nice in moderation. But, it is on so heavy that I can smell you from across the room. I know if you’ve been in a hallway within the last 30 secs. I’m sure everything else about you is very nice, but please take a shower with water and stop bathing in stink!

3

I love these:

New Mommie 1: You’re a fucking intern. THAT’S why you don’t get the same telecommute privileges as the strategic manager. Suck up and deal. If you REALLY think you’ll be more productive working from home, why shouldn’t I be able to do so too? Having kids doesn’t mean you get special treatment.

New Mommie 2: You’re a repeat offender. With this 2nd kid, you discover that you are giving a large portion of your paycheck to day care. Fuck you. You make over 80K a year and get free health benefits courtesy of your husband. You, also, do a job that requires you be here all the time, as the tremendous clusterfuck that greeted you on your return should have indicated. Your problem is that you are indispensable, not inconsequential.

Finally, to old fucking woman: Just retire already. We’re being nice by not canning you in the hopes you’ll retire soon. It’s gotten so bad with you that we no longer give you real work to do because your narcoleptic tendencies would ensure that the items are not monitored. Also, when I choose to leave a few minutes early because I have no more work, stop announcing it. It’s not funny, the boss doesn’t care, and it just makes you look more like a shriveled wretch. Oh, and spend the money for your dentures because having 4 teeth on the bottom is freaking me out.

4

Dear coworkers:

It was explained to me by my manager that this company does not allow working through lunch, as they feel it is important everyone gets a break. So I am now forced to take a half an hour off during the day and do no work. During this time, I eat my lunch. When I am eating lunch, I’m not doing any work. I was told I couldn’t do any work during this time.

So stop bothering me. I’m eating lunch, and can’t help you. I might want to help you, but I can’t. Really. Also, I don’t want to help you, I’m eating. Holy crap, I’m eating lunch, you can’t wait a few minutes to ask me this? You want me to do what for you? Now? So what you’re saying is that you want my lunch to get cold while I do you a favor? Dammit, fuck off and let me eat.

5

Yes, it certainly does get dark early, now that Daylight Savings Time has ended.

Yes, when it’s dark, it certainly does get dark. Especially since, you’re right, we don’t turn on that many lights because the designers prefer to work with them off.

Yes, it’s true, your desk lamp is pretty good but doesn’t provide illumination to the entire area. I suspect that’s an inherent quality of desk lamps, but good observation.

I’m sure it’s hard for you, a “native California girl,” to deal with the weather here in the Pacific Northwest. Last I checked, the sun set in LA, too, but maybe, like Hershey, we have a special darkness up here.

No, actually, it doesn’t really bother me that it’s dark outside after sunset. Or that we don’t turn on the fluorescent lights.

Yes, apparently your brain chemistry is really different from mine. No, I don’t suffer from SAD. Yes, I’m happy about that.

No, I don’t want to join your effort to get the entire department to “vote again” on turning on the lights. I just don’t care that much.

Yes, it certainly does get dark early, now that Daylight Savings Time has ended.

Yes, when it’s dark, it certainly does get dark. Especially since, you’re right, we don’t turn on that many lights because the designers prefer to work with them off.

No, no, I’m putting on my headphones because I have a sudden urge to listen to (thinks: ANYTHING other than your recurring litany of darkness complaints) Stereolab.

6

Ooh, no wonder I enjoyed my trip to Seattle so much. It was the special darkness.

7

Dear coworker,

Yes, I know you hate the sun. It was the cruelest of ironies when you were given the coveted corner cubicle, and then insisted on keeping the blinds shut. You say it’s too hot with the blinds open. Fine. I can deal with that. I have a window of my own.

But why in the lavender hell did you call the tech department this morning and tell them to crank up the AC? It was already 64 degrees in the quad! Don’t you realize how that affects the people sitting directly under the vents? Lisa’s bundled up in a scarf and gloves, Jenny’s shivering under her afghan, and I think I saw a penguin waddling by around 2:45 this afternoon. And if the AC weren’t bad enough, you had to turn on your industrial-sized fan, which appears to be a close relative to a jet engine. So not only do we have to deal with the cold, but you had to throw wind chill into the mix.

Have some gorram consideration for other people. Twit.

8

To: The Princess

From: Me

Subject: You’re an asshole
Dear Princess,

Your behavior is almost always extremely inappropriate, you talk way too goddamn much, you’re a narcissist, and your relationship with our crazy supervisor is twisted and sick. It’s fine if you two want to believe you’re mother and daughter, but it shouldn’t be constantly mentioned in front of the rest of us that are emotionally abused by her. Please die.

I wish that last week at the drug rep dinner with other derm offices, when you sat there and bad-mouthed one of the doctors we work for, totally slammed him in front of the rep, the speaker and the whole table, that I had stood up, called you out on it, and left, then spent the next morning telling anyone in the office who would listen, including the administrator. That may have been a firing offense, and right now I’d be rid of you. How could you not know not to do that? The man is your employer, he has 30-some years of experience as a physician, he’s a genius, and you’re a pissant piddling nincompoop. I would tell you to grow up, but at your age it’s probably not going to happen. Please die. Oh, and hint: your not being able to get pregnant is not the tragedy you think it is- narcissists shouldn’t have children.

9

Dear coworker

I’m happy for you that you bring a selection of fruit to snack on during the day at your desk. I’m sure you’re much healthier for doing so.

Bananas? Oranges? Grapefruits? They’re wonderful. I even enjoy the smell of fresh fruit when you’re eating them.

But every day draws you an inch closer to having that damned noisy apple lodged into the back of your throat intact.

Just sayin… Not all fruits are as healthy for you as popular wisdom would have you believe.

10

To my boss, who wandered out when I was doing breathing exercises in the garden, quietly enquired “Solitude or cigarette?”, and when I managed to communicate through nods and mumbles that although I was in fact doing breathing exercises and would like a little peace for twenty minutes, they were his premises and and he could smoke where he wanted to on them, nodded understandingly, murmured “I’ll leave you in peace” and strolled off, a big wet kiss on the lips.

11

Formerly from Friday:

How much of a prick are you. You’ve worked here for years, longer than almost anyone else, and you quit without even giving 24 hours notice. Zero notice. You don’t even work out your day. Instead, you leave the dude we hired two weeks ago to do the job of the department. I know why you hate it here, but STILL.

And you didn’t even have the decency to train the guy. Like, at all. He’s bright and he’s good at what he knows how to do, but you didn’t train him on simple fucking authentication procedures. Or how to upgrade to different servers. Or anything other than the barest rudimentaries of creating an account. In two weeks, you’ve taught him nothing, and now you’ve left him here for my department to train. He has this sort of hopeless smile and thinks he’s unholy stupid.

Formerly from Monday:

So glad you’re gone. Stuff finally started HAPPENING – all those things you promised. Why didn’t you follow through? Did you ever actually talk to the owners like you said you did? You and your six figure salary (hah, not anymore!) and your 20-hour weeks and your refusal to actually, oh, do your job or hire someone else to do it for you, are probably pretty major reasons you’re gone. Our customers are relieved, too – at least the ones you didn’t drive away.

Girl:

Direct quotes:

“I want that ring from Tiffany’s for Christmas! I suppose I’d better find me a boyfriend by then to buy it for me.”

“My dad said we aren’t doing Christmas gift exchanges this year. Yay! I can spend more on myself!”

Guy:

It is not antagonism when I come to you and ask you to do your job. You are not too cool to answer your phone. Do not treat me like I’m an idiot just because I don’t work in tech. Do not tell me ‘no, that’s not what happened’ when I damn well know that IS what happened just because you want to get out of having to deal with it.

Adjust your attitude. Srsly.

12

Coworkers: Yes, I do occasionally enjoy eating lunch at my desk, by myself. Thank you for noticing, and poutily calling me “antisocial.” I do things like read the paper, screw around on the interweb, pick my nose, and fart quietly.

I mean, harassing me on the one or two days a week I choose to eat lunch by myself really makes the three or four days a week I eat lunch with you guys even more special. Really.

13

Dear ex-coworker,
Thank you ever so much for stealing from the company’s bank account. No wonder we’ve been struggling financially despite the amount of hard work we’ve been putting in. Hope you enjoyed all those sessions with your personal trainer and your expensive meals.

Oh, and thanks for ignoring vendors we owed money to. That was a fabulous way to make sure our relationship with suppliers is permanently damaged.

But don’t worry. We’ll make sure everyone we do business with knows what a douchebag you are.

With love,
Your ex-coworker who’s helping to clean up the fucking mess you left behind

14

Dear Officemate,

When someone calls for me and I’m away from my desk, take a message. Do not become rude with the person calling and tell her that “We don’t do that here. You have to call somebody else.” Because in fact, if you had bothered to ask her, I did help her with the situation once, and she appreciated it. She doesn’t have access to our different databases but I do.

Also, dear officemate, you could try not taking out your personal problems on everyone else. I know your kid is causing you tons of shit, but it’s not the fault of random caller that shit happens.

To the person in charge of us all:
You are the most fucking anal retentive OCD person I have ever met. Flying off the handle because we loaned - yes loaned not GAVE- a white out pen to someone who doesn’t technically work for our department is fucking insane. It was probably a 39 cent piece of crap white out pen that didn’t even work, actually, so we would have had to throw it away anyway. But the way you acted, you would have thought I unplugged all my computer equipment and lugged it out to her room for her to use.

And by the way, if you don’t want people asking for stuff from us, then fucking tell them not to ask. Just because you’re a bitch doesn’t mean I’m going to treat people like shit to please you.

15

Dear Co-worker,

Don’t answer your cellphone when we’re in the middle of discussing how to rig this flight-control cable.

Don’t turn your back on me mid-sentence and wander ten feet away with your phone clapped to your ear, yapping, only to come back 5 minutes later with your tale of woe about how the dog ran out the door when your wife opened it.

Like I care. Stay focused on the job.

16

Hey Long Island-born Italian American! I get it, you have Italian ancestors! Stop saying “Mama mia!” every time you get flustered. You pepper every conversation with references to how Italian you are. Get the fuck over yourself or I’ll get drunk and bash you in the kneecaps with my shillelagh!

To the same co-worker: I know you’re bi-polar, but I don’t need to hear about every medication-related side effect you’re having. I’m just glad you’re finally medicated so you don’t jump out of your seat (which is in the open office area where everyone can see and hear you) while screaming at your boyfriend on your cell phone. Thank you for taking the rest of the conversation outside, but not before telling him that he should just “get over” his mother’s death from the fucking week before, you psycho bitch.

Still the same co-worker: Yes, my office is right outside the kitchenette, but I don’t need to be engaged in conversation every single time you go to the fridge!

Still the same: Stop speaking every thought that comes into your head. Oh Matt isn’t in his office? Why feel the need to say it out loud. You have to clean out your coffee mug? Just fucking do it! Looking at your reflection in the microwave and asking what’s going on with your hair (every fucking morning)? I don’t give a crap!

Yup, still her: All you do is bitch and moan about everything you have to do. You’d have time to do your job if you’d just shut up and stop talking to the other girls about every aspect of your life. I don’t care that you chipped at tooth on Poppycock and I certainly didn’t want to hear it every time you told someone that hadn’t already heard.

You guessed it, her: I wouldn’t have to micromanage so much if you’d learn your fucking job. You’ve been here about 3 months and you fuck up so much. That’s why I’m always coming to you asking you to correct something. I’m starting to fear putting anything in your inbox, because when you do, you sigh loudly and say, “Oh for the love of Christ”. Hey, Christ called. He said “Shut your cake-hole and get to work!”

In summary: You bug the ever-living fuck out of me. I hate that my office is kitty-corner to the area where you are sitting. I like having my door open, but you make it difficult to get through the day without feeling murderous rage when I hear your shrill voice, assbitch!

17

Dear sales representative,

If you’re going to take the time to set up an appointment to see me and try to get my business, then be considerate enough to take that cellphone earpiece off!

18

wolfman in the land of the idiots

Scene: A common office building cube farm.

The players:
wolfman; our hero.
Talks-way-to-loud-and must-acknowledge-every-event-during-the-day-guy(twtlamaeedtdg)
Stupid-coworker-who-had-most-of-brain-eaten-by-syphlitic-lemur(scwhmobesl)
The boss, ohh let’s call him Lumburgh.

Act 1

wolfman thinks to himself “Hmm it is 4:45, and I can’t get much more done today. I will sure surreptitiously leave a little bit early for once”
wolfman gathers bag and coat and and heads toward the door.
Twtlamaeedtdg raises his head and smiles.wolfman tries to avert eyes before contact is made, but it is too late.
twtlamaeedtdg:Takin off a little bit early!? Well, have a good night! see you tommorow! I am going to leave soon myself!
wolfman quickly makes up lie and talks rediculously loud so that everyone who heard the original comment can hear this. Yes! I have to get to the bank before they close to pick up a canceled check to dispute a charge with the local goat vendor!

(offstage, accelerating footsteps, enter scwhmobesl)
Scwhmobesl "I heard you are leaving for the day wolfman. I have this task I would like you to help with. if I had given it to you anytime during the day you could have easily done it in the background while you did your other stuff. But I didn’t give it to you earlier because most of my brain has been eaten by lemurs. It will take you 90 minutes of doing pretty much nothing.

(Lumburgh enters with a totally unmanly way of walking)

Lumburgh: Is this task associated with Really-big-poorly-thought-out-project-that-will-assuredly-be-canceled-but-lumburgh-took-it-on because-he-thought-it-would-make-him-look-better(rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb)?.

wolfman: no it’s really not associated with rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb in any way.

Lumburgh: ahh ok. rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb is really imporatant.

wolfman:yes it is but this task has nothing to do with rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb and isn’t urgent.

Lumburgh:Ohh I see. But is it part of rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb?

wolfman: ummm no they may have been mentioned in the same meeting sometime, but they really have no relation.

Lumburgh: Ok, rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb is really important. if this is a part of rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb then it is urgent too.

wolfman :There is no relation between task and rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb whatsoever…

Lumbugh interupting… is rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb dependant on this task. rbptoptwabcbltiobhtiwmhlb is important.

wolfman: Oh fuck it all.(wolfman signals the vogon constructor fleet to destroy earth)

Fin

19

Can I be angry at my coworker just because I’m jealous that she won 1,100 dollars a few day ago and blew it all on booze and new tattoos?

20

Dear Co-Workers;

You know, I just spent about 15 minutes typing out a very descriptive rant for each and every one of you. After reading them, I decided that you’re just not worth it.

So go fuck yourselves instead.

In the neck.

With the zipper up.

Hoping that most of you die in a fire,

rhythmonly