YES. Because clearly she should have at least bought the first round!
Dear anonymous assnugget,
Yes, I realize that my computer is not technically my computer. Any employee, at any time, may log onto any computer and do some work. I’m good with that. Yes, when you do so all of my applications close, and any unsaved work gets lost. I’m good with that too. I take steps to not get burned by that.
But for all that’s holy, please do not ever again install whatever Ooh Shiny spyware, adware, or whateverthefuckware you happen to come across. I like to keep a clean machine, and I hate having to uninstall useless crap that is likely to kill it.
Don’t make me bitch slap you.
Brilliant.
God Help America I hate that shit. Almost as annoying is having to look at their ugly children because they “forgot”, AGAIN, to take down the picture at the end of their shift. Now, when I first worked there, I put up with it. But, when I saw that you took down my Dilbert comic strip and placed it in my drawer, I knew it was Game On, Sister.
On a related note, dear ex-coworker. I liked you as my cube mate, really. You were a breath of fresh, child picture free air. If you could have learned just once to log off at the end of your shift, you would have been my favorite. I didn’t even care about the growing collection of Red Bull cans. Simply clicking on the shiny green button and then the gold one would have made you almost perfect in my eyes. It was because you didn’t that I had to fill the cabinets with your putrid cans and styrofoam peanuts.
Hmm. We had issues with shiny crapware around here for a while before the PTBs got on the ball and started restricting and filtering internet useage.
My solution was a file that I’d dump into the registry that added most of the problem sites to the restricted sites configuration in IE.
Looks like they changed format in the past few months, but I think it still works the same.
Ooooh, I’ve been waiting for this [lame, mild alert]:
Co-worker no. 1: Stop asking me for a weather report every time I come back from lunch. If you want to know what it’s like outside, just walk to the bloody window and look out and see what people are wearing. We are not in a tent in the Antarctic.
Co-worker no. 2: You were musing yesterday about why people don’t like talking about cystitis. There’s no mystery, it’s because we don’t want to think about your 64-year-old private parts.
Thank you.
I just wanted to say, this is the best quote I’ve read in a long time.
Co-worker 1: You know I like you, but what the fuck am I going to do if the building lobby is unlocked on a weekend? It’s not my building, and I simply don’t care. And then you tell me that you already called the building manager and left a message? Why call me then? You know, the lobby may have been unlocked by the business that actually works there…coffee shops are sometimes known to be open on the weekends.
Oldest co-worker: I’m on fucking vacation! Why are you calling me to tell me you fucked up your time sheet? Why are you calling me to ask me if you should have my backup fix it? Why do I even have a backup if you are going to call me at home?
I wish I had never given you people my home phone number.
Twunt: Could you possibly do your paperwork? I don’t enjoy spending part of my vacation working with people at HQ, explaining that the intern doesn’t work here any longer, I will not enter time for someone who was not at work, I don’t know where her termination paperwork is, etc.
I hate that I have to check my email the whole time I’m vacation because you people can’t do the simplest things when I’m not there. You can bet your sweet asses that my time sheet will reflect that I had to spend time each day of my vacation putting out stupid little fires. ARG!
I don’t care that you stayed until 7 last night (we close at 5:30). If you would simply do your work instead of having long conversations in the hall and taking a ciggie break every hour or so, you wouldn’t have to stay to finish the job.
It’s nice that you have a grandson but I don’t need minute by minute reports on how happy you are and how wonderful he is. I have grandsons too and other children just don’t compare to my genius babies. I’ve tried to be polite, but again, if you would sit down and work instead of stopping at our desks with updates you’d go home on time.
I’ve tried to help out when you’re close to a deadline, but after watching how you spend your day I’ll no longer make the effort since you create these emergencies.
I hate it when you attempt to join in my private conversations. Please stop standing near my desk waiting to speak. You don’t need to know everything and I don’t need to introduce everyone to you.
Whew - that felt good.
Dear New Guy,
We start working at 9:30PM, the first hour being the most physically demanding because we have to unload the truck. In the two months you’ve been here, you’ve shown up at least twenty minutes late every night except for your first three nights. Yeah sure, you don’t get paid for the time you’re late so it’s not like you’re taking money for work you haven’t done, but the rest of us have to pick up your slack for the first third of the truck. I have a feeling that this is just the first of many bad habits that will mean I have to work harder to pick up your slack.
Oh, and night crew supervisor? Working with you is truly wonderful and I respect the hell out of you. But why are you allowing New Guy to pull this shit every night?
By the way, New Guy – we work in a grocery store. We sell deodorant and soap over there in Aisle 13. It’s not that expensive, even at our wages. Honest.
Former Co-worker #1: So glad you quit. Nothing to complain about now. Hope you are enjoying working for your father-in-law’s factory now that you’ve failed out of Law Enforcement. Guess those 4 FAILs during your last year of school put the kibosh on your plans to be some hotshot Rapid Response/SWAT guy and eventually work for the FBI. But hey, since you couldn’t manage to do the easy as cake job we have working security, we all knew that you’d never make it as a cop. Good luck dumbfuck, you’ll need it.
Former Co-worker #2: Glad you quit too. I was tired of your pathological lying and your admiration for former co-worker #1. Tired of you sitting on your ass letting everyone else do the work because the job is so easy. Tired of you sitting in the van staring into space because you’re allegedly doing escort work. I was SO HAPPY that the boss finally bitch-slapped you, just sorry that it took you badmouthing an old friend who she’s known for 24 years before she did it and that she didn’t ever believe all this shit you’d been doing because of your lies and your previous relationship with her.
Current Co-worker #1: I know you’re ambitious and capable of working hard, because you teach self-defense, two different martial arts and have a home-based business on the side. But your job with us isn’t a hobby and we’d really appreciate if you didn’t treat it as a lark. Either do the job or go the fuck home.
Seriously, what would you think of someone who came into your MA classes with the attitude that you bring to your job? I think you’d boot their ass out the door.
Boss: I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re “too busy” or “don’t have time for this” or “don’t want to hear it”. Then go home to your mommy and let her deal with the adult issues. I’m quite certain that part of your written job description is that you WILL deal with the various personnel issues that come up. I’m also quite sure that it’s professional negligence to refuse to deal with them, and that it’s absolutely petty and unprofessional to, when you are forced to deal with them, react as if you’re trying to punish the other person for making you do it.
It is your job. Do it properly and professionally, or go home.
Sub-Boss: Get some therapy for the bi-polar issues. It’s frustrating to deal with you when you’re happy and nice one day, then a screaming, disrespectful terror the next. The less self-assured people in our office are terrified of you. Seriously.
Also, we work in a public office. Get used to the noise. Learn to shut your office door. Just get the fuck over it and stop being an asshole over “the noise”.