Took that long, huh? The worst case of widower chasing I ever witnessed was at the funeral home. A whole cluster in colored stockings and netted hats like a mob of butterflies. Probably 7 or 8 of them, tittering like tweens. It genuinely turned my stomach to watch them.
I think it was only partly interest in the man (who was still a handsome man at 80), and muchly interest in his house full of nice things, with the expectation that he would soon follow his beloved to the grave.
dflower, you’ll be ready when you’re ready, which may be sometime between 20 minutes ago and never. But do expect that some people have no expectation of a mourning period at all, and others have timelines that don’t match yours.
I might ask a widow out for coffee or lunch or something within a short time after the death in a “I’m here for you” kind of way.
Hopefully, she doesn’t react by kicking me in the nuts just yet.
I wouldn’t consider proposing anything romantic (let alone sexual) until I got some kind of signal from her that she considered herself back on the market so to speak. Losing my mother is the closest death I can think of to a spouse, and even that left me uninterested in a relationship for a long time afterward.
If my spouse died, I would probably not be interested in any type of romantic relationship for a very long time. Years, maybe. I wouldn’t be offended if someone asked me out for a drink within a couple of weeks or months, but I think I’d turn them down.
I probably wouldn’t initiate a romantic relationship with someone who’s spouse died unless they initiated it first. You never know how long it will take someone to grieve.
Maybe it was easier for our great great grandmothers. Back when generally accepted rules for mourning and the attire that indicated your position in that mourning timeline were very obvious. If I was upper class or even middle class in the Victorian times I would be in complete black and all would know not to intrude in my grief. But now I am expected to be back at work in no time flat and cheerful at that.
I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that. I personally would have found the rigidly prescribed Victorian mourning period stifling, but then I hate it when people tell me what to do. But yeah, it really would be nice if we could come up with a modern equivalent of mourning dress or symbol, widely recognized, that we could choose to wear as long as we each feel the need.
A common signal that you are “back on the market” is to stop wearing your wedding ring. This may be too subtle for some of the folk described by previous posters.
Customs have varied widely by time and place. In Victorian times, there was that lengthy, elaborate timetable, with two year’s worth of prescribed wardrobe colors and permitted activities. In the eighteenth century, things moved a lot more quickly – James Madison was making his addresses to the widowed Dolley Payne Todd after about six months, with friends on both sides encouraging the match.
These days, as those above posters have noted, it’s your call.
It took me a little over a year to take off my wedding ring. I’d forgotten (I think) that I was wearing it. It now sits in a box with it’s companion. I’m waiting to give them to one of my sons or daughter.
Sucky Gestault is that, as a swimmer in the dating pool, you have to get your feelings hurt as a matter of course. As a widow/widower, you’ve already had your feelings hurt tremendously.
You never wore black, I take it. I’m thinking of tradition because I recall from my readings that (rich) were considered prize catches (might still be.)
Some guys are just as thick as a brick and don’t know how to read when it’s time. I’ve never been pushed away from a woman or had my advances rejected, and I believe it’s because I have a very good sense of timing. I think it’s silly to count the number of dates or times a couple has been together, there is the right time and place for things, and there is no formula for that.
I’ve not had experience with widows, but I think I would start off simply being their friend and not pressure them into an official date until they are ready. If I suggested an activity I thought we would both enjoy over time, and she didn’t show an interest, I would take that to mean she isn’t ready or isn’t interested in me. Depending on how long it’s been (less than a year), I think she might felt she is continuing to honor the memory of her late husband, and I would have respect for that.
Wearing black is not a sign of mourning these days, I wear black often as it has been in style for everyday wear for some time. As for a noticeable sign that a woman is available it is so hard to know these days. So many women dress as if they are strippers or show girls that I am often shocked. But I am one to dress more for comfort than to draw attention to myself.
So my “admirer” was not picking up on my signals and it took me a while to understand his intention. It was odd and a bit unnerving but I now know to watch out for this. I really did think that at my age, this was not going to be a concern for me. Live and learn.
And thanks to all for your kind expressions of sympathy. It is appreciated.
