How soon to make sexual advances on a widow?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I am sorry for your loss.

It may not be any help, but my uncle complained of much the same thing. Women were hitting on him within a week of my aunt’s funeral.

I don’t know that there is any hard-and-fast rule on how long one should wait before asking a widow out. “Whenever she’s ready”, I guess, but there is no generally accepted social signal nowadays that says one is back on the market. It used to be one was in “deep mourning” for a year, and after that, it was up to the widow.

One interesting thing my mother, who is Grand High Arbiter of Everything That is Correct, said is that one is automatically no longer in mourning once one becomes engaged, and this is considered entirely proper. It is not a social faux-pas to become engaged while in deep mourning. As is said, some women look good in black.

You can and should date when and if you want to, obviously. If you are not wearing a wedding ring, that means you are not married (or engaged), and many men will draw conclusions from that. That doesn’t mean necessarily that they are being disrespectful of you or your late husband - it is kind of the nature of the beast.

Regards,
Shodan

42

Glad to hear from your mother about all that is proper. So when Rhett asks Scarlet to marry him right after her husband’s funeral, that is proper? Please double check with Mom. :slight_smile:

43

Might have missed it, but how long has it been? And do you have children or not. People usually keep into account, 3 months with 3 kids, hell no. 18 months and childfree, well…

I am sorry for your loss.

44

I think the situation is more that in the 19th (and sometimes even the 20th) centuries, remarrying quickly was not at all uncommon. Sometimes it was simply a necessity: a man with children pretty much had to either have some woman come into run the household/raise the kids, or he had to send the kids away. Sometimes a female family member was available to move in permanently, but often not. Women often had to remarry quickly because there wasn’t that much money and they lacked the means to support themselves and their children.

So there really couldn’t be a stigma against marrying again too soon–it was just an inarguable fact that sometimes–often–a person had to. And when you did, you stopped mourning the former spouse, because that would be weird.

45

… Maybe we need PSAs on the subject “nowadays, widows don’t need to resort to prostitution in order to make ends meet.” :smack:
I know that back when my great-grandfather remarried, the rule was “one year is too early for a next-wedding” - which logically implies the very-discrete courtship would have started sooner. I think this was linked in part to paternity issues: if the widowed person was female, one year is enough time for any posthumous children to be born and for the mother to be recovered from the delivery.

Moving from “full mourning” to “half mourning” used to be considered a sign that the person was open for frivolous activities: a different great-grandmother always kept the full mourning - I understand a couple of different parties asked people close to her whether she was open for lowering it and were told no, but from family stories she was never asked directly. The full mourning signaled that this would have been unacceptable.

46

Rule of thumb: if Rhett Butler did it, it was meant to appall respectable society :stuck_out_tongue: . Which Scarlett O’Hara was moving away from, so in this case, probably “no harm, no foul” :wink: .

47

The problem with widowers is that, if you DON’T move fast, you’ll find you’ve been cut out of the chase entirely. There have been several widowers in my circle that I MAY have thought about asking out after a (to me) proper amount of time, only to discover they had already started relationships within a few months of their loss. Was sort of hoping to reacquaint myself with an old high school crush at our 40 year reunion this fall. His beloved wife of over 35 years died after a long but not debilitating illness, just before their daughter’s wedding, a short while back. The Facebook tributes and reminiscences are still pouring in, us classmates are still reeling from losing one half of a true high school love story, and there in the middle of the tributes and condolences is a notice from one of his kids about an estate-type sale of his stuff and the new girlfriend’s stuff so that they can move into their new place with stuff that more suits their new home. Granted he’s a huge catch and adult children don’t always want to have to worry about a 58-year-old dad at loose ends, and they did know for over a year their mom was going to die, but damn!

48

Well AK84 my husband died in December 2014 so that is 7 months now. We had no children. He had a daughter from his first marriage. She is 28. She and I are not close. I was not a mother to her as her mother lives nearby and she was with us only for every other weekend for a few years.
I am 59 years old and honestly did not think that I was going to be in the position of having admirers at all. I don’t need the drama in my life. I can do without sex as I have for many years. My husband was sick for most of our marriage. I quit smoking and became celibate and I see no reason to take up either again. I desire a simple life. And I will get one. Without his pension and SS I am soon to be poor as a church mouse. I have a part time job only and an selling all he owned to try to pay off the mortgage. The hard times are knocking at my door. But not going to marry money.

49

I know several ladies in their 70s who still get admirers. Heck, my 101yo grandma still gets admirers… the first couple of times it happened she thought it was a joke and got mad; the last time it happened in front of me she asked “how old are you?” “85” “too young”. I asked what if he’d been her age “that would have been too old!”

50

Obviously, it goes without saying that you are entitled to decide what types of relationships you want and when, now and for the rest of your life, and if you want to be celibate for the rest of your life, you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval.

I don’t think this guy was out of line, though. Seven months is long enough that the question of “has it been long enough?” would be in a gray area. He has no way to know what you’re feelings about romance going forward are, aside from straightout asking, which some would find awkward, or testing the waters, which is what he did.

From my understanding, after an hour-long pleasant conversation, he asked you to dance, you declined, and he let it drop. If that is an accurate understanding of what happened, I think that is kind of sweet and respectful.

You termed it “making sexual advances,” but unless you left something out of the story or I missed it in the posts above, equating an invitation to slow-dance with making sexual advances seems a little old-fashioned to me, but I am sure thare are reqions and religions where dancing would be deemed inappropriate.

He might very well have been just hoping to get you into bed, but his objective with the compliments and the invitation to dance also might just as easily have been to just signal you, “I am interested in more than just an acquaintanceship with you, are you interested in exploring in that direction?” You weren’t, and unless he was persistent after that, it sounds like that will be the end of the story.

In short, I don’t think he deserves the scorn that he has received.

Good luck. You seem to be handling a very difficult situation very well.

51

Forgive me for asking but have you cleared up all the financial issues like the life insurance?

52

Dflower, I am very sorry for your loss.

Jewish law says a widow can remarry after a year, so presumably she can date a bit before that. Just another cultural example.
…
I also think the fellow may have been clueless, but is not a cad. You have been widowed 7 months and are not wearing a ring, and he made a simple invitation and accepted your refusal of it. He did nothing wrong, imo.

Fwiw, my grandmother was still turning down guys in her 80s, so I don’t think you are too old to attract interest. (She, also, was uninterested in a new relationship after her husband died.)

Best wishes

53

Dflower, I’m very sorry for your loss. Also, I’m very sorry for my reaction. About a month ago one of my best friends died, leaving one of my other best friends as a widow. We were/are all very close and maybe I was projecting a little bit. Here I am, worried about my friend… and I read your post like it was Susan Sarandon getting unwanted boner-hugs like in Elizabethtown.

Please ignore my over-reaction, use your best judgment, and know that I meant well.

54

In my part of the country, complimenting the looks of a Craigslist seller is standard practice to get the price down, and dancing with them usually “sweetens the deal”. Worked perfectly when I bought my weed wacker (that guy wouldn’t let me lead, though, so we stepped on each other’s feet quite a bit).

In all seriousness, I’m truly sorry for what happened to you, and hope your future “simple life” has plenty of joy.

55

All I can say is that, of the two middle-aged widows I’m friends with, one of them waited three years before she decided she was ready to date again, and the other has been widowed for 18 months and has no desire to date at this point.

56

Urbanredneck, thanks for asking but there is no life insurance.
To all, I thank you for this therapy. It is helpful to me. I would go to the physiatrist but did I mention there is no life insurance. :slight_smile:

57

Did I miss it or was the “sexual advance” just a request to dance?

58

Treat her the same you would anyone else.

59

My mother married my step-father less than 6 months after my father’s death. He had a long, drawn-out death from cancer, and my step-father’s first wife also lost a long battle from cancer. Husband 2.0 was one of my father’s best friends, and lived all the way across the country. Basically he flew out and they got married after a 3-month long-distance engagement.

After my mother died my step-father talked often about the “casserole brigade” of widows who tried to get him interested in wife 3.0. He said twice is enough.

StG

60

Different situation, but my parents were living in assisted living when my mom passed. If the first pass didn’t come within hours after the funeral, it was definitely days. Several women hit on the old man before he passed a month later. He was 76 yrs old, had limited mobility since his stroke, and was occasionally incontinent! Absolutely NO subtlety involved.

But it is different for a man in assisted living.