As I announced in another thread I am going to be married on August 19th.
I’m a widower. I was married for 22 years. I’ve known my in-laws since I was 19 years old (I’m 43 now). My deceased wife was an only child. I’m the only link that my in-laws have to their only grand children. I love them like they’re my own parents. As a matter of fact they are like my own parents in many ways.
My Wife To Be (WTB) (age 42) has never been married. This should be a special day for her. My daughters are going to be two of her bride’s maids. We (and it was actualy my WTB’s suggestion) would like to honor my late wife in some way during the wedding mass, (We’re Roman Catholic) so we’re going to say an petition for her.
Here is a brain dump of things that have crossed my mind. Please feel free to comment on them as you wish.
Have my ‘in-laws’ sit with my mother in the place of honor. (I’m pretty sure we’re going to do this)
Have my father-in-law escort me to the alter instead of me coming from the back room with the groomsmen. (a. my father is deceased, b. my in-laws would be touched by this gesture, and my WTB thinks this is a nice idea)
Have my father-in-law be one of my groomsmen.
Have the mass said in memory of my late wife (of all the suggestions, this seems the most crass to me)
In addition to commenting on the above, how do recognize my in-laws in the printed wedding program? “Grandparents of bride’s maid #1” (not literally like that, but you get the idea)? What is some eloquent way to match with “Mother of the Groom”?
I think all of your ideas are lovely, and as long as everyone involved is happy with them, you should go ahead and do what pleases you. That fact that your WTB wants to honor your late wife in the ceremony speaks loads about her character. You’re a lucky man.
I do agree that having the wedding mass in honor of your late wife seems, not necessarily crass, but a little odd. (I’m not Catholic, so I don’t know the significance of mass, so take that with a grain of salt.) Can you arrange to have one in her honor shortly after your wedding?
How about “Grandparents of the groom’s daughters”?
I’m a wedding planner, with an special interest in wedding etiquette, so I tend to look at these questions through the lens of etiquette.
Great idea. You could also make a special toast to them at the reception – these would both be very appropriate methods of honoring them.
Either or both of these honors would also be entirely appropriate.
Not appropriate, as you seem to think yourself. Having the entire mass said in your late wife’s honor will seem uncomfortably as if the three of you are being married, I think. The primary service ought to be about the wedding couple – you and your future wife. A petition for your late wife would be all right, if I understand it correctly – it would be one of a number of prayers said for different people and circumstances, right?
There really isn’t an eloquent way to say ‘former mother-in-law of the Groom,’ I’m afraid. If you feel you have to include them in the program, just use their names without any title. The fact that they are seated with your parents will make it clear that they are honored guests. And, if you make a toast to them at the reception that will make their honored status even clearer.
How nice that your future wife is so gracious about this – it says a lot for her (and for you both) that you want to include your former in-laws on your special day.
If you put a message in the program “flowers in the entry are in honor of Enright’s late wife, Firstname Maidenname Marriedname,” then have her parents listed in the program under your mother with their last name, people will figure it out (provided it all matches, which not everyone’s does).
Any one of these smaller gestures honoring your inlaws is basically fine. Any mention of the ex-wife, other than recognition of the job she did with your kids is way over the top. It gives the impression that you’re still married to her (and that the new wife is just a stand-in). I feel it’s disrespectful to the bride-to-be. Just my impression. It looks like you’re not really moving on to this new chapter of your life.
See, I think there’s a world of difference between “ex-wife” and “late wife.” He didn’t choose to stop being married, it just happened. Sure, now he has the chance to find true love again, and that’s what the ceremony is all about. But his first in-laws are still family to him.
I think the idea of having them sit with his parents is great, and if FIL is close enough to be considered a groomsman, do that.
Right. I think a mention of the in-laws is fine, as well as a seat of honor in the church. But the late wife stuff…I dunno. I don’t think I’d include her in any of the ceremonial stuff. Maybe a mention at the reception (a toast, perhaps?).
I like the suggestion of your first set of in-laws sitting with your family and the suggestion of your first FIL being a groomsman or escorting you to the altar. Especially since you are the father of their grandchildren, your in-laws are still going to be your in-laws. Death does not sever that relationship.
One of the loveliest wedding write ups I ever saw was where the bride’s in-laws were giving the wedding and reception. The bride had been married to their son for only a few years when he died, and had a child by him. I thought the in-laws showed a wonderful, generous spirit.
I think the idea of including your first in-laws is wonderful. As you said, they’re like your parents.
One of my friends was in a similar situation. She recently re-married after being widowed for more than 5 years. She was also married for more than 20 years. Her mother couldn’t attend, so her first mother-in-law was escorted into the church in her mom’s place. The wedding was bittersweet for many of those who attended because we lived through the sudden loss of the first husband. We were all very happy that the bride found someone to share her life with again, but you could see that First Husband’s family was having mixed emotions throughout. That took us back to First Husband’s funeral. Still, the whole family was there. (All of his siblings, nieces, nephews as well as his parents.)
Probably want to make sure your first wife’s family is comfortable and doesn’t feel awkward in the spotlight; as wonderful as WTB sounds, I’m sure your in-laws will find the wedding to be an even more emotional occasion than most weddings. They may not want to feel like they’re on display if the emotion overcomes them.
All of the important people that matter already know how much you loved and respected her. There is now need to proclimate that at your WTB’s wedding.
Remember this is her FIRST wedding. It should be about you and her. NOT you, her and your late wife.
Your WTB is indeed a gracious lady. And I’m sure she wouldn’t object to any of your ideas as I’m sure she doesn’t want to lessen the sancticy of your former marriage. But please, think about your WTB.
I think in this instance, it’s ok to think of her (WTB) first. And I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts, your late wife would think that as well.
As a matter of fact: If you feel a goshtly kick in the ass; It’s probably your late wife trying to tell ya’ “What in the world are you thinking”
Wow. I think I have to disagree with you Kalhoun. She’s not my ex wife. She’s my late wife. Furthermore, it was originally my WTB’s idea that we honour my late wife in some way. My children are part of the wedding. One of hte reasons they like my WTB is that she embraces the idea that my children keep their mother’s memory alive. I am moving on. I’ve grieved for (almost) three years. However, I can’t just shut off 22+ years of my life. I couldn’t be in love with someone who would expect me to. It’s only disrespectful (IMO) if I continue to have my late wife as part of my daily life. However I can’t deny who I am today, as my life wife part of the reason for that.
Regardless, I don’t want to show any type of disrepect, and I’ll think over what you said. Thanks for your insight.
Thanks, GardenTraveler. I’ve been very sensitive to their needs (my inlaws). Me, wanting to be traditional as WTB has never been married, I asked her father for his blessing… but way before I did that, I asked, and received, my own mother’s blessing (although she was suggesting way before I did! ), my children’s blessing, and finally, I asked my in laws for their blessing.
If you’ll read my second post, I thought a toast would be fine. And I think it’s great that WTB wants to keep her memory alive. But there are ways to do that outside your wedding ceremony. Your wedding ceremony should be about the two of you and your new journey through life. Honoring your late wife in other ways is very nice. I’m sure it means a lot to the kids that the WTB is so understanding. I wish you a happy new life together.
), my children’s blessing, and finally, I asked my in laws for their blessing.