Wedding Thoughts and Musings

In My Humble Opinion
1

Wow, I’ve been reading different sites about weddings from hell. Let me tell you there are some doozies out there!

Here’s the deal. As many of you know, my wife of 22 years died almost three years ago. I have had the great fortune recently of finding someone else that I think I could share the rest of my life with. I love her, my kids love her, and my (former) in-laws love her. I predict that we will get married someday. This is her first marriage, Obviously it’s my second one.

Is the only way to have a wedding these days to just throw millions of dollars at it so as to not offend anyone? Here are some examples of things that I have read that have caused problems…

Invitations - should they include a nice card with registry information in it or not? When I’ve received invitations this way, I thougt it was great because I knew I could get the couple something they wanted. I’ve read that it’s just tacky tacky tacky.

Kids at weddings - to invite, or not to invite… well I can see both points. It seems mean to not invite full familys or to only invite a single person, or not allow a date. OTOH, if I were videotaping my wedding, how happy would I be to have someone’s kid crying recorded forever. OK, so you have to save money, I get it. I still don’t know how to feel about this one. It would seem to me that you invite full families so you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s almost cruel to be kind, in that inviting a partial family seems meaner than not inviting them at all.

Speaking of wedding registeries… I’m puzzled. You see, this will be her first wedding, and I think she deserves everything that comes with it. I worry that people will see that we’re older (ages 43 and 42) or that this is my 2nd marriage, and it will somehow not be as special as it would be if we were just starting out in life. I don’t know where I’m going with that, but feel free to comment on it if you like.

I’m discovering that no matter what you do, somene will find a way to bitch about it. Brides maids dresses ? Always considered ugly… so let them pick their own as long as they’re one color. style doesn’t matter… Then someone complains that it looks silly because theyr’e different.

Don’t get me started how bride’s and groom 's mothers can wreck things. Ugh.

anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on what is tacky or isn’t tacky, or anything else that you wish to share.

E3

2

But, if you, your spouse-to-be, and all the people involved in the wedding are at least somewhat reasonable people, it’s not likely to happen to you. I read a whole bunch of those stories when I was planning my wedding, too, and most of them, IMO, consist of people being unreasonable. Being jerks, even.

According to traditional etiquette, they shouldn’t. But everyone I know seems to think it’s acceptable to have registry cards in with invitations, and some of them were a little confused as to why we didn’t. It is kind of annoying to have to call the mother of the bride and ask about registry information, rather than get it on a card. But I’d have to do that anyway, because I’d lose the card a long time before I thought about buying a gift.

I will nominate this as a corollary to Buddha’s First Noble Truth. It’s always true, but it’s just very obvious around weddings. Also, no matter what you don’t do, someone will bitch about it.

And someone will probably complain about the color. If you don’t choose black or navy, someone will complain that “they’ll never be able to wear this dress again.” If you do choose black or navy, someone will complain that they’re “funeral colors, not suitable for a wedding” :rolleyes:

I’m with you on “no videotape”. I don’t like how I look on video, so I insisted that we wouldn’t have one.

I wish I’d insisted that I keep my glasses on for more of the pictures. I look stoned when I’m not wearing my glasses, because my eyes are so obviously out of focus.

We didn’t do a bridal shower, because I hate hate hate the traditional games played at those. Plus, between Mr. Neville and I, we already had most of the household stuff that people give as gifts at showers. In fact, we had two of most things.

We kept the bachelor and bachelorette parties strictly PG-rated. There was wine and beer at the bachelorette party, but no strippers or anything like that. I heard that the guys went to a mini-golf course for the bachelor party.

Open bar or not is another big wedding controversy. We had a compromise- open beer, wine, and soft drink bar, but if you wanted anything else, it was a cash bar. We didn’t want people getting terribly drunk, but I think cash bars are tacky.

We didn’t do the tossing of the bouquet or the garter. When I was single, I hated being reminded of the fact by being singled out for the bouquet toss. And I think having the guy who catches the garter put it on the leg of the girl who catches the bouquet is tacky.

We didn’t feed each other cake. And if we had, under no circumstances would we have deliberately smashed cake on anyone’s face. I think that’s incredibly tacky and immature. I’ll accept differences of opinion on most of the other things I think are tacky (though I’m less tolerant on the garter one), but anyone who thinks smashing cake on your spouse’s face is not tacky is just wrong.

3

First, congratulations in advance.

My advice - figure out how much you want to spend. Then, figure out what kind of wedding you want. (What was your first one like?) Go from there, and screw not offending anyone. It’s your wedding, not their’s.

Two cases in point. When we got married, I was in grad school and my wife was just finishing. Her parents gave us a budget (small.) We decided to only invite friends and very immediate family. You should be aware that we never lived within 600 miles of each other when we got married. I think we had a total of 25 people, most of whom flew in to be there. We got to invite everyone to the “rehearsal” dinner, and we got to talk to everyone during the lunch/reception. My in-laws invited everyone back to their house while we went to the hotel we stayed at that night - we eventually went back and joined them. Our further out relatives got their noses out of joint, but if we invited one we’d have to invite them all. That was 27 years ago, we’re still married, and we’ve never regretted doing it that way.

One of my wife’s cousins didn’t invite anyone to the wedding proper, but did invite everyone to the reception - which was an informal pig roast. Lots of kids, and everyone loved it.

My brother, who is a bit older than you, just got married for the first time. He got married at a JP, then we met in Vegas.

Doing what people expect of you, rather than what you like, won’t increase the happiness of your marriage one bit. Probably quite the opposite. I’m not saying you should be untraditional, just that if that’s what you want it will be fine.

4

You’ve been reading www.etiquettehell.com, haven’t you?

Personally, I feel the tackiest things that go on at most weddings is how uptight, tense, stressed, and downright rude people can get. The bride throws a fit because one of the flowers in her bouquet isn’t exactly the right shade of aqua-teal, or the mother of the groom has a hissy and yells at the caterer because the appetizers got cold while everyone was sitting around for 3 hours waiting for the wedding party to finish with photographs. I’ve seen “Bridezillas” on tv. I wanted to smack them.

It’s a special day for you and your bride. Enjoy it and plan the kind of ceremony and reception you will like. If you guys are relaxed and having fun, the guests will too.

Regarding registries: I was always taught that if people wanted to know where the couple is registered, they should ask the mother of the bride, or the maid of honor. If your bride wants to have a registry, I say go for it; even an established household could use new towels, or everyday dishes, or new flatware, or decorative items, or appliances.

5

Well, as my youngest brother is getting married soon, I’ve been brooding over wedding nonsense lately.

Since I’ve been tapped to be a bridesmaid (oh please oh please for the last time in my life) it’s that topic that I brood on.

It is time to end this madness! Honoring your friends and family as you marry is a bad reason to rope them into a role that involves spending hundreds of dollars on clothes they will never use again.

I am spending in excess of $150 for a dress. I must then have it altered, probably for at least $50. I must also purchase a special bra, probably also for more than $50. The bride hasn’t mentioned shoes dyed to match so I’m praying she won’t. But if she does, that’s probably another $50-75. Conservatively then, I am spending $300 for an outfit I will likely never wear again for the privilege of a 2 min. walk down an aisle and a 20 min. stand at the altar. If I decline this privlege then I jeopardize family harmony for a lifetime. Incidentally, I will be nursing a three month old at the time of the wedding. The design of the dress will require complete disrobing (in a closet? a toilet stall?) to nurse.

The guys get off a little easier. How much is renting groomsman clothes? $100? But still a headache.

On top of spending all that, of course, we will still buy them a wedding gift.

It’s crazy! I fully regret my participation in this tradition as a foolish 25 yr. old bride and will advise any marrying children of mine against it.

If you must have attendants, just ask them to wear whatever they would wear if they were attending as only guests. Anyone who criticizes you for non-matching bridesmaids can live with the subsequent karma (hopefully they will be 10 times a bridesmaid with the ugliest dresses imaginable)

If you disregard my rant, and MUST have matching bridesmaids, please bypass the bridal shops and just order dresses not officially designated as “bridesmaid” from a catalog. They will come a lot faster, be a lot cheaper, be made of nicer fabric, and be easier each woman to size/return for different size.
On some of the other topics you mentioned…my own humble opinions.

-yes, invite kids. who cares if your video has crying on it? Just hope you avoid snarky comments like my husband’s aunt put into ours.

-sure go ahead and register. Most people will disregard your registry, but it will be helpful to some. Don’t bother with china and silverware though, unless you really forsee fancy dinner parties in your shared lifestyle

-don’t fall for the “it’s OUR wedding, we’ll do it OUR way” mode of thinking. It’s the union of families. Be flexible.

6

If you’re married at the end of the day, your wedding has been successful.

If you’re married and your friends and families are all still on speaking terms at the end of the day, your wedding has been very successful.

Everything else is gravy. Fuss over the other stuff if you want to, but never forget that those two things are far, far more important.

7

Do the things that make you happy, and will keep the peace with your friends and families. If you’re from a family where etiquette and tradition are important doing things the “right way” might be a big deal, if not, not.

Save money on the things you’re not bothered about and spend it on the things you care about.

Whether or not you have a list and whether or not you include the card, someone is still going to buy you something very, very strange.

My hot tip for your lovely bride-to-be is to get her dress made for her. Mine was designed and made for me, and in the end was cheaper than paying for one off the rack and having it altered. The dress maker also made dresses for my bridesmaids and my mother, but you could skip that!

8

I still wish we could have eloped. Yes, yes, I know we could have if we’d put our foot down, but that would have involved my husband’s parents probably never speaking to him again.

I say register if you want, but don’t include registry info in the invitation. Sorry, it’s tacky. The place(s) you register at will probably give you registry cards and insist that it’s polite even, but it’s not. Out of the many wedding invitations I’ve received over the last decade or so, I can think of only one that included registry info. I either knew the person well enough to ask someone close about the registry, and/or gave money.

For bridesmaid dresses, we had a very handy group of bridesmaids, so after choosing a style, two of them went out to pick the fabric and get it cut, and they sent it out with patterns. All of them sewed it themselves or had their mother sew it for them. My sister took it one step farther and just told her bridesmaids to buy a dress in a particular color, didn’t care what shade or style. I bought my wedding dress off-the-rack for $175; it was a fancy dress not specifically made for weddings.

If you don’t care about something, don’t include it. You don’t have to have a matching number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, or wait until after the ceremony to take photos (we did it beforehand and saved on the time that guests had to wait before dinner), or have party favors or huge bouquets.

9

VCNJ~

10

I’m beginning to hate weddings. Everyone should elope.

And I hate the fucking word ‘tacky’. It’s a rarely used word that really only comes out regarding weddings. It’s like the minute someone announces they’re getting married everyone starts pretending they’re heading for the Hamptons with Buffy and Chip or something. It’s a sign that the entire wedding thing makes people into what they’re not just for this event. And that irritates me.

It’s a touchy subject.

Enright, the important thing, FAR more than a wedding, a reception, the registry, the guest list, the dresses, whatever, is that you’ve found love. That’s the most precious thing of all (confession, I still tear up during ‘Beauty and the Beast’ sniff). The rest is all window decoration and the expectations of others. It can all be dispensed with and might lead to less stress and more fun if you do.

In short: Fuck it. Have the wedding YOU and your bride want. Not one that other people think you should have. If you want the full-on gala go ahead. If you want to stand before the minister (or whatever) naked go ahead. The most important thing is this:

STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT IT.

And if you make some plans and someone says ‘you can’t do that!’ instantly tell them they’re dropped from the guest list. They’re busybodies who have their OWN sensitivities in mind and not yours.

Argh!

11

I’m getting hitched three weeks from tomorrow (holy crap!) and I still haven’t arranged for flowers, cake, or music. I just have to live dangerously, I guess. Anyway, I’m glad Enright started this thread. I find it very comforting to read about how none of it really matters. :slight_smile:
irishgirl, that is a beautiful picture, dress and all.

12

When I got married a few months ago we had around 90 people show up, we spent about $5000 total, and we shouldn’t have spent that much but there was a mix up and they ordered shrimp for everyone which realy took up the cost. We did it at the American Legion which lowered the cost of renting the hall at only $300.

We didn’t really want kids, but we didn’t really say no, and we had zero trouble, but I think that’s because most of them were pretty young, the oldest I think was only two. I don’t think I remember anyone having a bad time, though a couple of people looked bored that’s their problem, so it can be done cheap and fun.

13

Thanks Dung Beetle.
Re: Cake
My mother made and decorated ours, cost about a quarter of the price of a bought cake. We used fruitcake because it’s traditional here and it keeps for months, so it was made in advance and iced a couple of days before the wedding.

Buy some nice, cheap cakes iced in plain icing (frosting?) and decorate with fresh flowers if you want the easy route, otherwise bake and ice the cakes yourself.
Don’t stress, and if you do go to a cake shop, don’t tell them it’s for a wedding or they might try and sell you something a bit fancier than you planned!

14

I forgot to say- wedding boards are populated by neurotic attention-whore harpies who can’t spell or punctuate. Don’t go there if you value your sanity.

There was one memorable bride-to-be (or B2B) who was distraught because one of her bridesmaids would be 7 months pregnant at the time of her wedding. This was despite the fact, you see, that she had specifically picked friends who were single…4 years ago when she first got engaged. So now here she was, with 2 of her bridesmaids married before her, and one of them pregnant. Horrors!

Yep, she was expecting people to put their lives on hold for 4 years. The sad thing was that people on the board were sympathising about how “selfish” the bridesmaids were being. :rolleyes:

15

Be sure to register for some things that aren’t too expensive, so that friends and family without a lot of money to spare will be able to buy you something off your registry.

If you’ve got friends and family far away from where the wedding is being held, be sure to register somewhere that they can shop online, or that will have a store near them. You can register at more than one store, by the way.

Don’t even think of registering for stuff that you plan to return for cash or a gift card.

We get it from Etiquette Hell, which has a section labeled “Just Plain Tacky”.

16

Ditto - you both look so good, and I love your dress!

I’ll just add my personal experience, take from it what you will, Enright3. We had a wonderful wedding (second for both of us), and I think it was because he wanted to be just as involved in the planning & details as I was. (Kind of like the “Joy’s Wedding” episode of “My Name is Earl.” :D) We did what made us happy.

As an example: we didn’t want to do a receiving line, so we didn’t. Instead, we each made it a point to personally spend a few moments greeting each and every guest, but we did it separately, in a mingling, informal sort of way. That way, the guests all got to be comfortable & sit or get something to eat or drink until we got to them. They were relaxed and not stiff, and that made me feel the same. I remember feeling the most extroverted I ever have in my entire life (and I’m quite an introvert).

We decided we didn’t want alcohol to be very prominent, for several reasons. So - we found a facility that had a bar on the premises, but not in the reception room. Those few guests who just had to have a drink were welcome to go buy one and bring it back in with no hassle, but the only drinking we did was the champagne toast. Later on, after the reception had ended, a small group of us retired to the bar for a little while - we were the only ones there. It was intimate and fun.

I only had one matron of honor & no bridesmaids, so I told her to pick any dress she wanted, as long as it was burgundy. She picked a very classy dress.

One area where I did insist on being a stickler for the Etiquette Rules: I refused to open gifts that people had brought to the reception. I’ve seen it done, and I’ve thought it was in extremely poor taste. I’ve had people tell me that they expected to see their gift opened while they were there. Too bad. Similarly, I will not (usually, if at all possible) bring a wedding gift to the ceremony or reception - I try to deliver it to the bride’s house prior to the wedding date. Go look it up, if you think I’m wrong.

And we didn’t smash cake in each other’s faces, in spite of the prompting of some very childish guests (actually, his teenaged daughter & the boyfriends of his 20-something daughters, mostly). I have nothing but comtempt for this practice.

I hope your wedding day is as joyful as mine was. Good luck.

17

**KeithT **and I are getting married next December so I’m keeping an eye on these wedding threads too.

We’ve decided to keep it really really small - 16 people on the guest list right now. My feeling is that you either invite everyone or no one. We’re doing parents and a couple really close friends (with guests/SOs/spouses) and no one else. If we opened it up to even one more person, then there’d be a huge issue over “You invited him/her/them, why didn’t you invite me/us??” That being said though, we’re already finding that people are assuming they will be invited. Not sure how to handle that. I think we’re going to avoid telling most people when the wedding is and treat it more like an elopment, just announcing it afterwards.

Also, there’s no reason to stick with traditional wedding cakes. We’re doing cheesecake because we both love it and can’t stand the dry white cake that is often the staple of weddings.

18

I had one guest (hubby’s aunt) who tried to say that if we didn’t open our gift from her at the reception, she was taking it back. I told her she was welcome to haul it back to Texas on a plane, stowed wherever she could fit it - I was not turning my wedding reception into a birthday party. (It was a set of TV trays.)

We didn’t have a receiving line, either. And we did NOT smash cake in each other’s face. I got a little bit of icing on my pinky fingernail (completely by accident), so I tapped that onto hubby’s nose and then kissed it off (it was cute).
The only alcohol we provided was spiked punch (it was on park property, so technically, even that was illegal).

We had kids at our ceremony, and they were all well-behaved (thankfully). However, I think the age range was about 4 and up (with one 3-month-old), so we didn’t have super young kids getting bored out of their wits.

My bridesmaids were all very busty girls, so the lady who made my dress made theirs as well. We found a pattern that would allow them to wear a normal, comfortable bra, as opposed to trying to buy a strapless bra (it’s tough when the smallest gal is a DD). The cost was comparable to what they would have spent in a store (~$125), and since they were custom-made, there were no alterations necessary. I let them pick the shoes, so they got something they liked and could afford (~$20 at Payless).

19

irishgirl-that’s a gorgeous dress. Is that golden detailing? It’s adorable.

20

As others have said, you just need to ask yourselves, what is our style?

Are you formal people? Do you like to dress up and expect decorum, maybe even sophistication? Then a fancy evening wedding (no little kids, duh) makes perfect sense. Coordinated (rather than identical) dresses for the bridesmaids would be lovely, particularly if they all go shopping together and do the coordinating together. It needn’t look like a hodgepodge.

Are you casual people? Do people take their shoes off in your home? Then an afternoon picnic-style wedding with everyone invited, hell bring your dog, who cares - that’s the wedding for you. This is my kind of bash, by the way. All you really need is decent food & music and you’ve got your party.

Do you share a passion? Why not incorporate it into some kind of theme for your wedding? Who to invite and how to manage things will flow naturally from there.

And if you’re really concerned about noisy kids, hire a babysitter yourselves. Set aside a “play room” or area or whatever, and let parents drop 'em off. They may scream themselves silly for an hour, but at least it won’t be on tape.

As for registering – yes, register for lovely things. Tell your immediate family about it. Then, when people RSVP and ask (or ask your family), they’ll know. DO NOT put those tacky tacky “notices” in your invitations. It’s not like you’re sending them out & will never hear from these people again, they WILL call you to RSVP and will ask about the registration then.

Do a search here (try “wedding” and “shoestring”) you’ll find some fascinating wedding threads with all kinds of ideas.

BTW, I think it’s delightful that you want your future wife to enjoy the hoopla that comes with getting married. I’m sure you’ll find a way to give her the thing that matters most.