Wedding Registries are rude and just plain tacky.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I admit it, I love weddings, love them to death, I am a hopeless romantic and one day I want a really big one for myself (and the future Chèvre-mate).

But the one thing I will not have, that I will put my foot down on, is a wedding registery.

I don’t know why people like to register presents, I just find giving a list of potential presents to your guests to be the height of rudeness and tackiness.

Maybe I was just brought up in an enviroment with a different kind of ettiquette, but it perplexes me.

Some people argue that they wouldn’t know what to buy the happy couple if they didn’t register, though I say baloney. If they are really desperate for an idea there is bound to be a person or two they could talk to for subtle hints.

Most happy couples should have a ‘go-between’ person for such hints anyway if people are that devoid of original thought (maybe I am being somewhat gentile in my ettiquette, but on a day as big as ones wedding, I believe one should be)

A gift on an occasion like a wedding is suppose to be from their heart not from your “Meier & Frank” catelog. And that is really what it boils down for me. I can live with three toaster ovens if neccessary (though people rarely give toasters anymore - it has become to much of a running joke - but I degress) but I cannot live with telling somebody who only wants to share in my joy that they cannot buy the coeur-de-fluer towels, they have to buy the monograph towels.

Dictating to your guests what they must give you is rude.

And don’t even get me started on people that insist that the guest pay for their own meals or ask for money (that MTV wedding show with the Staten Island couple comes to mind).

Does anybody agree with me, or at least understand me? Heck, anybody willing to debate this with me? :wink:

(btw - I refuse to use registries myself for buying gifts - my gifts are always from the heart - if it matches something they want - well lucky them - if not, they still have a personal gift from me which I put a lot of thought and love into).

2

I completely disagree. Dave and I were married last year, and while we didn’t get married for the gifts, choosing your own is much preferrable to ending up with stuff that you don’t recognize, won’t match your decor, or just plain old won’t ever use.

3

I completely agree.

4

I don’t like registries either, but we got a lot of “gifts from the heart” when we got married. I don’t know what kinds of hearts these people have if they think we needed a ceramic Christmas tree that rotates and plays a song. Or a bunch of candles that smell like ass. Or Tiffany candlesticks that have obviously been regifted at least once before.

Give cash. It’s from the wallet, not the heart, but it’s always a wonderful gift.

5

I like them. A lot of the weddings I get invited to are those of distant relatives or family friends whom I haven’t seen much of since childhood; I have no idea of their taste and I’m terminally clueless about all things domestic anyway. If there weren’t a registry, I’d have to ask what they wanted anyway, and it’s nice to have a full list in one place with choices for all price ranges.

I totally agree on your second point, though. Asking for money is tacky.

6

A registry does not exist to “dictate to your guests what they must give you.”

It exists as a suggestion for people who may not know your tastes, who aren’t comfortable trying to figure out what you might like or need, who have neither the time or desire to come up with an appropriate gift, and so on. Guests are free to use the registry or not; it is perfectly acceptable for guests to choose their own gifts independent of the registry.

The registry serves as the “go-between” that the OP suggests. To expect your close relatives or friends to suggest gift ideas to a hundred-odd guests or more is rather an imposition. And some guests may not even have any idea whom to ask.

A well-chosen registry contains items of a range of prices, so that guests who wish to use it but have a limited budget can still choose something that they know the couple will like without breaking their wallets.

Where rudeness comes in is when the couple (1) INSISTS that gifts be chosen from the registry, or (2) includes registry information in the invitations. Rather, it is proper for guests to ask someone close to the couple (usually the mother of the bride) if they want to know where the couple is registered. (This information is much less hassle to give out than actual gift ideas, as noted earlier.)

What comes “from the heart” is the act of giving, not the object itself. One is properly thankful for any gift given sincerely, no matter how it was selected.

Asking for money, specifying certain gifts that MUST be given, demanding payment for attendance, and so on, are always rude, independent of the subject of the registry.

For cites, please see Miss Manners.

7

Totally agree with the OP.

I was innocent enough not to know about this custom until Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee to you Yanks) did it when he dumped his lovely wife and ran off with a bimbo. So his being an arsehole hasn’t endeared the wedding registry practice to me, but I’d hate it anyway.

People, it’s not “being practical”. It’s rude, tacky, and extremely revolting.

8

Asking for a gift is tacky.

Insisting on a gift at all is rude. Insisting that presents must be bought from the registry is rude.

Throwing “and here’s our registry information” around to all and sundry is tacky.

That’s what a registry should be. Essentially the go between person. If I want to find Jane and Bob a gift from the heart, I can.

If I am feeling devoid of original thought that day, I shouldn’t have to spend 3 weeks trying to find the ‘go-between’ couple, hope that they really do know what Jane & Bob like and their bathroom color scheme (who remembers someone else’s color schemes anyway?) hope that they remember what they’ve told other people, so that 8 of us don’t show up with puce bath mats, hope that they’ve not decided to substitute their judgment for Jane and Bob’s (e.g., that they know that puce will look charming in the bathroom while J&B really hate puce), and hope that they’re even still speaking to the happy couple. I instead can go to the store which then provides shipping, too.

Now, people should not tell you where they’re registered until they’re asked.

It is also tacky to insist that a couple register. If they don’t want to, good for them. It is not a necessity at all.

9

Lately, a lot of my friends and husbands friends are getting married. I find it easier to simply buy something online. I don’t have to worry about shipping or anything. If they register somewhere, I know what to get them. A lot of these people (my husband’s friends) I know nothing about. I don’t know if they like classic stuff or contemporary.

I used to think as the OP, but now, frankly, I find they save me time and energy.

I also think it’s a cultural thing. In my husband’s family, everyone registers. It’s what you do. In my family, it is considered tacky… yet they do a dollar dance. Go figure.

When I got married, I was really not sure of the whole registry thing. I also felt that anyone that my family (or in-laws) wanted to invite were welcome to come. I really don’t think that the wedding was all about ME and my personal friends. It was about having my parents and their friends get together and have fun, too! A lot of these people, then, didn’t really know me. The only person we had in common was my Mom-in-law. I ended up registering so that she wouldn’t get the daily calls about what I liked, etc.

So, unless someone is forcing gifts from a registry (or better yet, only have $$$$ items on it!), I don’t think it’s rude. I personally didn’t care if someone got me something from the list or if they gave me a regifted clown sculpture… or if they got me anything at all! It really is the thought that counts, in my book.

I do think the couple should NOT mention it unless asked. I thought it was rude to say the least when we got an invite…complete with cards from where they registered. The cards were more prominant than the invite itself.

10

A lot of family members asked where our registry was when we got married - we didn’t really have one as half the family was in the US, half in Canada and it was confusing overall. I didn’t feel our guests even needed to bring gifts as so many of them had travelled a good long distance to come, and that was gift enough for me. However, I see that a registry is very very convenient for those people who feel they MUST buy a gift and desperately want to get you something you -like-.

Throwing your registry information around is pretty tacky though, IMHO.

11

I mostly disagree. However, I agree with your points that it is very rude to ask for money or expect people to pay for their meals/bar.

On the main topic, the registries, I love them. It’s a great way to at least get started on thinking about a wedding gift. Even if you opt not to get a gift from the registry, you learn about the colors and styles that the happy couple likes, and if you are a creative soul, can then take that knowledge and go off and puchase/make/find another gift on your own. And it’s possible to get something off the registry, and then augment it with something more personal of your own choosing.

Sometimes when friends get married, I instantly think of the perfect gift, something that I know the couple will like, and something that might even have a special significance to our friendship. Other times, nothing comes to mind. Then I am thanking Og for the registry. I find this especially true now that it is more common for people to have their own homes (possibly even as a couple) before the wedding – they already have all the basics so there aren’t as many obvious “starter” gifts for newlyweds.

It’s also very convenient for out-of-towners. Mr. Del and I met on the internet, and we know a lot of other couples from online who had met on the internet, and in some cases, the first time we met them in person was at their weddings! I’d never seen their homes or how they decorate. Nor did we know their families in most cases, so it would have been difficult to track down someone to ask about their taste (and what if we inadvertantly picked the family member who was the most clueless about it?).

A gift registry is a tool, nothing more or less. As in most situations, the graciousness or jerkiness of the situation depends upon those using the tool, not the tool itself.

12

A good friend of mine has a gift of being able to choose the perfect gift for someone. I, on the other hand, am pathetic. I spend weeks agonizing over what to get, and then end up buying something at the last minute that isn’t perfect but I’ve run out of time. So, for those of us that aren’t really good at choosing meaningful gifts, registries are wonderful things. You know the couple will like it.

I do agree that sending out the registry location with the invitation is tacky. As is asking for money. However, one couple recently married asked that in lieu of gifts, we could make donations to their favorite charity. I thought that was a great choice for a couple that pretty much had everything they needed anyway.

The only thing that has ever bothered me about registires is when the couple gets greedy and selects a bunch of high-priced items with nothing for those of us on more limited budgets. I’ve seen registries where I could afford to buy one fork! That’s it. “Here’s your fork!”

13

I like registries for all the reasons listed above. I registered for my own wedding and it worked out well. Some guests gave gifts from the list, some gave other items, some gave cash, some gave nothing. I was glad to see them all. I know there’s been a lot of griping about it in this thread, but in my family listing the registry info in the invite is standard practice. There’s at least three hundred people in our extended family and that’s a lot of phone calls for an “in the know” person to field.

What does bother me about registries though, and I’ve seen this more and more lately, is when I get an invite with all the time/date/place info and then the registry line goes something like

“The couple are registered at Target, Pier One, Bed Bath and Beyond, Kohls, Dillards, and Sears.” Uck! Pick one and get on with it people!

14

re: “the perfect gift”; When I got married we had ~250 people attend. We had a registry at Marshall Fields and Crate and Barrel. About a quarter of the people used the registry with the rest giving “heartfelt” gifts.

I think “heartfelt” translates into "that piece of crap in the closet we got as a gift and can’t figure out what to do with.

A few examples-

  • a gift boxed singe embroidered glove that might fit a 3 year old.

  • 12, count them, TWELVE picnic baskets. Note this in addition to the picnic basket we registered for BUT NEVER GOT.

  • a used bread maker…also in addition to the bread make we registered for but never got. Did I mention that by used I meant no cord or instructions…wrapped in a USPS shipping box?

-2.5 sets of Wal Mart china…also in addition to the china we registered for but never got, ok we got 4 place settings out of 250+ people…sigh, anyone got any Wedgwood Jade china place settings they’d like to get rid of? I’ve been looking for 5 years but the bloody pattern has been discontinued.

-a Rubbermaid 5 gallon water cooler with spigot…I used it for the first time a month ago for a lemonade stand for my kids and I got it in 1993.

  • a partial set of silverware from Target that was clearly marked Clearance and still cost more than the place setting we registered for but never got.

  • a box of blank Hi-8 videotapes that had to cost over 50 bucks…we did not nor did we ever have a Hi-8 video camera.

The list goes on…I guess my point is that a registry is a good idea, it tells you what the couple has and more importantly it tells you what they need.

15

It’s like an Amazon Wish List.

16

I can see how a registery is easier for a lot of people involved. I don’t think it is tacky to be registered, but to complain about every ‘straight from the heart’ gift that they got and didn’t like is kind of tacky to me. I think most weddings are pretty tacky in general though…
Asking for money is pretty tacky, but what about when people ask for honeymoon contributions? I know it’s pretty cheesy asking for cash, but I’d rather help give someone a really great honeymoon than a stupid set of plates that they don’t really need.

17

There are way tackier things than registries… As has been said, Miss Manners approves of them provisionally, the provision being the couple does not announce the registry, but the guests have to ask. This inserts a needed layer of misdirection without which the wedding invitation is transparently an appeal for gifts, which is ALWAYS tacky.

If Edith Wharton was correct, and if I have read her right, 100 years ago the custom in New York high society was to display all the loot at the reception. Now THAT’s tacky, but the very best people routinely did it at the time.

18

Something only becomes tacky when middle-class people are able to afford to do it.

Until then, it’s considered high-class.

19

What Scarlett67 said.

Wedding registries are not law. You don’t HAVE to buy something from one of them.

That said, there is one thing I think is tacky: registering for outrageously expensive stuff.

Okay, if you’re rich and your guests are rich, it’s no big deal. I realize that $500 for a china place setting is pocket change for some folks.

But if you live in, say, West Virginia, you’d better not go register for really expensive stuff if you know that most of your wedding guests are making $8 an hour. I don’t have a problem seeing a few expensive things on a registry but I think I’d be pretty turned off at a registry that had nothing on it for less than $50.

And really. Who needs $100 towel sets made from Egyptian cotton? No normal newlywedded couple even needs a china set, they need regular dishes and silverware that they’re gonna use everyday and are easily replaced.

When I married I registered at Wal-Mart. No regrets.

20

g.g.: I think you may have a point there.